UPJOKE
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You know the worst part about taking a corpse out on a date?

They're quiet they always give you the cold shoulder and always seem pretty stiff when it comes to paying the bill.

I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

Why was Donkey Kongs corpse smelling?

It was beginning to DK

Why do some corpses have an erection?

They die hard.

A guy with no arms……. (Long)

A guy who was born with no arms goes to the doctor one day and the doc says, ‘I have bad news, you are terminally ill and you only have one month left to live.”

The man was a absolutely despondent - but as he walked out of his doctors office, he looked up at the monastery atop the hill near t...

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What does someone with depression and a necrophile have in common ?

They both feel like fucking corpses.

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When fucking a corpse...

The most difficult thing is to decide which one of you is more rotten.

Offering corpses for free isnt just a sign that someone might be crazy

It's a dead giveaway

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A sadist, a masochist, a zoophile, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a serial killer are having a stroll in the park.

This merry band of weirdoes and deviants are getting a bit bored. Then the zoophile whispers: "Oooh, I know what we should do. Let's catch a cat!"

The sadist nods approvingly: "Yes! Let's catch a cat... and let's torture it!"

The serial killer licks the blade of his knife, and chimes i...

Two little boys stole a load of apples from a neighbours apple tree.

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, they dropped two apples, but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough.
A few minutes later, a drunk, on his way fro...

Two cannibals are devouring Amy Schumer's corpse

One asks, "does this taste funny to you?"
Other cannibal answers, "nope"

I just murdered a tree and put its decorated corpse on display in my living room.

For Jesus.

if Newton heard someone suggest his corpse could move without an external force acting upon it...

...he would roll over in his grave.

You know how many corpses it takes to screw in a lightbulb?

Well, it's not eight, because the crawl space is still dark.

Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough, but we need you to ID the body.

Me looking at the corpse: *takes a deep breath* Are-are you over 21?

A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were i...

An astronaut lands on an alien world.

Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the...

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I work at a crematorium, and recently received an unclaimed corpse that came with a note that read: inherited wealth—never worked a day in his life. So I cremated him, and put his ashes in an hour glass...

he's been working ever since.

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A man dies



his friends didn't know how to inform his wife, so the best friend went there and told the wife

\-There's something you need to know, your husband was fired from his job three months ago

\-what? then what is he doing outside all day long since then ? and how did ...

Two corpses are lying in a grave and one turns to the other and says,”Dude, why are you rotting?”

The other turns to him and says, “I decay.”

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

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Me: I'm afraid of corpses and donkeys

My therapist: Deadass?

Me: *screams*

What does a corpse and a phone-booth have in common?

I don't need permission to come inside either.

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A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"

Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.

When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"

Do you think corpses are funny?

They are dead serious.

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A poor family lives on a farm and they rely on their chickens for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find the chicken coop empty and the corpses of chickens on the ground.

"There’s nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the chickens on the ground.

...

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Why was the corpse late for the funeral?

They had to rehearse on the way.

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New Lover

A man got married to a hot (unknown to him, vampire) woman and took her out for dinner. The next day she was very ill and complained of chest pains, then she vomited fire and the bathroom burned down.

"What did you feed her" asked his friend.

He said that his dish was garlic shrimp. He...

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A young man was driving his old neighbor to get groceries

On the way there they spotted a woman attempting to jump off a bridge. They stopped and the old man got out of the car, he told her

"If youre going to die anyway would you want to have sex one last time?"

"Fuck off you pervert!" yelled the woman

So the old man replied "ok i gues...

Police raided a tautology club.

They found a fatally murdered body of a dead corpse.

A vulture walks into an airplane with a rotting corpse.

The flight attendant screams, “You cannot bring that on this plane.” The vulture says, “It’s just my carrion.”

What does a rotting corpse say?

idk

There’s this big controversy with horse owners over whether it’s “defiling a corpse” to put decorations in a horse’s mane after it passes away.

I don’t know what all the fuss is about. They’re just beading a dead horse.

What's a corpse's favorite currency?

Cryptocurrency

So apparently there is now a social awareness group that formed to protect corpses from necrophiliacs!

#MeTomb

Did you hear about the raffle that a local necrophiliac club was having? They were selling a lot of tickets until the cops shut them down on the grounds that it's illegal to sell parts of a corpse.

Ironically, the police never would have found out about it if the title wasn't "A Dead Giveaway"!

What jokes can corpses tell?

D(e)ad jokes.

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Schrodinger, Heisenberg and Ohm are all on a road trip...

Schrodinger, Heisenberg and Ohm are all on a roadtrip and they are zooming down a highway on a summer night. Heisenberg is driving, Schrodinger is riding shotgun and Ohm is in the back-seat tinkering with the light. They get pulled over for speeding.

The officer walks over to the driver's si...

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A pathologist is teaching her class how to do autopsies

The students are taken to the morgue and once in there they are shown the corpse of a dead man. The cadaver is bloated and old, several traumatic wounds are visible, its skin is pale and dried and the faint smell of chemicals and rot emanates from him. "To become a good pathologist you need to lear...

A police officer was driving through an empty freeway in the woods one day, when he stumbled upon the corpse of a large animal laying on the side of a road...

A police officer was driving through an empty freeway in the woods one day, when he stumbled upon the corpse of a large animal laying on the side of a road, with a pickup truck parked nearby.

He parked his car, opened the door, and looked at the animal, a grizzly bear, with some of its limbs ...

What’s the difference between a shirt and a corpse?

One’s a casualty and the other is a casual tee

How long does it take to hide a dead hooker's corpse?

Seriously guys, the cops could come by any minute now

What do you name a freshly disinterred corpse?

Doug.

And what do you call him when you put him back?

Barry.

Where's the best place to hide a corpse?

The second page of search results.

Two cannibals just got their hands on a corpse

One says to the other, "I'll start at the head, you start at the feet." They start to eat, and after awhile the one at the head yells to the other one, "Hey, how's it going?" The other replies, "I'm having a ball!" Getting mad, the one at the head yells, "Dammit, slow down, you're eating too fast!"

What's the difference between the 2016 presidential debates and a pen of baboons relentlessly fighting over the dead stinking corpse of a sheep?

Microphones!

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A medical Doctor is teaching, and everyone is around a corpse, ready for their first lesson.

"Welcome, class. OK, since this is your first lesson, I have to tell you: The 2 most important things to be a good doctor are: *Dedication* and *Observation*."

Doctor then proceeds to unveil the corpse, a big, fat woman who got shot in the head.

"This is *Dedication*". The doctor proc...

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Apparently, in the Dark Ages, having sex with corpses was pretty popular

But now, necrophilia is fucking dead.

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What do you call a person who loves having sex with a black corpse.

A Negrophiliac.

What do you call an attractive primate corpse in Saudi Arabia?

Haram bae

Why is the number 288 like a rotten corpse?

It's two gross.

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What so you call a corpse that won't admit it's own sexuality?

A skeleton in the closet.

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(An old joke I heard. So sorry if I mess up with the wording.) A dead body was found floating in the river.

..The police recovered it, and found a wallet with the body. They found out that the wallet belonged to Mr. Smith. But they still weren't sure if the dead body was of Mr. Smith or not.

So they did some investigation and found out about the twin brothers Mark and Harry, who were very close fri...

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Paddy the Irishman dies in a horrific fire and his corpse needs to be identified

So the coroner brings in paddys two best friends, Mick and Joe. Mick goes in and tries to identify the mangled corpse, mick says "turn him over", the coroner does. Mick says "ahh jaysus no, that's not paddy".
So the coroner brings in Joe, Joe goes in, says to the coroner "turn him over", he does ...

On a hunch, I tried looking for the murderer at the corpse auction.

As soon as the auctioneer started it was a dead giveaway.

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A traffic cop stops a man for speeding

Policeman: "Can I see your driver's license?".

Man: "I don't have it, they suspended it for speeding."

Policeman: "Can you show me the registration document of the car?".

Man: "It's not mine, I stole it".

Policeman: "You stole this car?".

Man: “Exactly. But wait a...

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A Rather Distasteful Joke

New students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important quali...

My dad is deaf, blind, has lost alot of skin, never brushes his teeth, and he's probably got worms but wont go to the doctor. How can I help him?

stop digging up his corpse

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother. While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel. The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free. r>

The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home.<...

This is terrible, and I'd like to apologize in advance, but could anyone tell me why hipsters prefer corpses over zombies?

Corpses are still underground.

Funeral home mishap

A grieving family arrives at the funeral home just ahead of the wake for their dear departed husband/father. They are taken in the back to see body before the event, and are disappointed to see that he is not in his favorite blue pinstripe suit, but in a tan suit. Then, they are horrified to notice...

A funeral home director was meeting with a grieving widow

The funeral director was showing the widow the final touches they had done to her husband's corpse before the funeral the next day.

As the director was showing her the way they had put the finishing touches on and dressed up the deceased, the widow burst into tears.

The director,...

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My sex life with my wife has started degrading.

Guess it's time to Bury her corpse

Can zombies do yoga?

Of corpse knot!

One day there were three grave robbers searching through a graveyard in Central America

They came across an Ancient Mayan temple which had three doors. the first grave robber walker up to the first door and looked inside, he saw a black pedestal with nothing on it, and in the back of the room there were piles of gold and riches, so he walked in and grabbed a handful of gold, but as he ...

Police investigating the feline corpse discovered in a Zerox machine.....

have said “this may be a copy cat killing”

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First day at medical school..

It was the first day at medical school and all the students gathered around a corpse in a lab next to the professor.

The professor says, "There are two important lessons every person wanting to be a doctor should learn. The first lesson is that you should never feel disgusted about the human ...

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Tommy was 4 when his little brother was born. Tommy was pissed.

His life was suddenly turned upside down. Everyone was too busy doting on little Timmy to notice him anymore, everyone was like "Timmy this, Timmy that, Timmy's the best kid ever". Even his parents seemed to have forgotten about him. Tommy began to go deep into depression, but nobody seemed to care,...

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A field guide to corpses

there was a professor at a school that taught morticians how to do their thing during an autopsy. The professor had a pretty slack bunch of students this time and decided to give them a test while they were around the corpse they had to practice on. he told them that to tell in the field how long a ...

When I die I’m leaving my body to “Toys For Tots”.

I think children all over the world will behave a whole lot better if they knew that if they were bad Santa might bring them a rotting corpse for Christmas.

The Artemis mission is a success, two astronauts land on the moon.

The astronauts are exploring the surface and collecting samples. The mission is going well, but one of the astronauts notices something strange in the distance.

"Hey, what's that thing on the ground?" the astronaut points.

They cannot make out what it is, so the two astronauts approac...

A man goed bear hunting for the first time in a long while...

Hiding in the woods he spots a bear through the scope of his hunting rifle. He aims... shoots... and hits the bear!

Excited to hit the bear in one shot he grabs his gear and runs over to where te bear was hit. But to his disappointed, the bear is not there and not a single trace of blood can ...

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.

She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him
in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and
gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes ...

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Looks like Lars

A mortician called Sven and told him he had some bad news.

“I’m afraid your friend Lars has died, but we need someone to confirm the body.”

“Sure thing, I’ll bring Ollie, we were with him yesterday.”

So Sven and Ollie go to the Mortuary, and the mortician informs them that they ...

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You go hiking with your best friend Terry. Both of you get lost, and Terry is mauled to death by a bear.

You bury Terry in a shallow grave and try to find your way back to civilization. However you end up walking in circles and days later, you find yourself at the exact same spot.

By this time, you've exhausted your supply of water and are severely dehydrated. Then you realize that Terry was ...

What do you call a dead fish that worked for the military?

Marine corpse

A cop pulls someone over for doing 130 in a 50 zone

"Your drivers licence please" he asks. The man he just pulled over replies "Sorry I can't, it's in the glove box together with an unregistered firearm". "Really? You know that I have to search the vehicle now?"
"Oh please don't, I just shot my coworker and put his corpse in the boot"
The polic...

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(NSFL) Dog

An animal lover, a zoophile, a sadist, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a masochist are talking.

Animal lover: We should get a dog!

Zoophile: and fuck him

Sadist: and torture him

Pyromaniac: and set him one fire

Necrophile: and fuck the corpse

Masochist: woof

Three vampires challenge themselves to a blood drink off

The first one comes back, 10 minutes later, lips bloodied proud of himself.
The two others ask him how he got so much blood, so the vampire points towards a corpse drain of all it’s blood only to say: you see that girl, yep, that’s her blood!

The second vampire turns into a bat and leaves...

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

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A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes

getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began pla...

Mac‘n‘cheese

Two men are lost in a desert. They have been walking for days and are absolutely famished. All of a sudden they come across a human corpse lying there.

After some quick thinking the first guy has an idea: „Lets open his stomach, there‘s probably some food in there!“

So he does.. As h...

At the Polish-Russian border

A Russian border patrol walks down the line, expecting a quiet evening when suddenly he sees something dangling from a tree. Someone hung himself. Right there. At the border. He calls his partner.

"Ivan? Come quick, there's someone hanging from the tree! Someone committed suicide right here a...

An old man is dying..

His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.

Some pallbearers are carrying a coffin at a funeral.

Suddenly they stumble and drop it. It slides down a hill, gains speed and shoots out of the cemetery toward the street. It goes down the road gaining more speed. It veers onto the highway. It goes several miles and gets off after three exits. It goes across town through three intersections and final...

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An medical forensics professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students.

Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. “There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.” Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus, withdrew it, then licked his finger. “Now you must do the same,” he told the class. A...

A bus full of politicians crashed in a remote village.

Days later, when the reporters went there they found that all the corpses have been buried. And they went to the village chief to ask about the details. He told them how it was raining and that their bus lost control and crashed into a tree.
And then the politicians in the bus were screaming that...

(AoT joke) What happened to the Survey Corps after Zeke's attack?

They became Survey Corpses.

Ba Dum Tss

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Once upon a time...

A horse lived on a farm with a pig, a sheep, and a cow. Now these were no ordinary barnyard animals - for they were bestowed the miracle of Disney animal anthropomorphism - subsequently, the farmer was very happy to have these animals in his posession and the people who came afar to see them made hi...

One night, a Boston police officer knocked on a woman's door.

"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news".

"Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies.

The officer replied: "I'm sorry, but somone stabbed your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor."

The woma...

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One of my favorites

So three men crash land on an island in the middle of the ocean. They are soon captured by a tribe of cannibals. The leader tells each man to go find ten of a fruit and come back to the village. Each man, not wanting to be eaten, goes and gets the fruit.

The first man comes back with kiwis. T...

Steve jobs would have been a better president than Trump.

Although that isn't really fair to say, since any other corpse would be too.

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says “uno, dos...”

But before he can finish his sentence, a gunshot rings through the air and he falls to the floor, blood oozing out of his head. Screams are everywhere as the audience seeks cover.

His best friend Nathaniel is in the audience, but all he can do is sit there in shock and stare at the corpse of ...

A man was stranded on an island and was visited by a genie who gave him one wish.

3 weeks later rescuers found a corpse with a 3 foot dong.

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