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The wedding party is standing at the altar waiting for bride and groom....NSFW

The groom arrives and is adjusting his belt while smiling hugely. Groomsman asks him what he's smiling about.

Groom replies "I just got the most amazing head-job from a beautiful woman and will be waking up to that every day for the rest of my life!"

Bride arrives, fixing her lip-stick...

Officer: The Victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers.

Detective: Dear God

Officer: Most likely yes

Why was baby shark not allowed to be an altar boy?

Because its mouth has too many teeth to doo doo doo.

How do you get a Nun pregnant?

Dress her as an altar boy

My fiance left me at the altar...

Turns out she wasn't as into human sacrifice as I was.

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Two altar boys catch a fish. One says, “look at this huge dam fish!”

The second altar boy says, “You shouldn’t swear like that! You’re an altar boy.”

The first says, “I wasn’t swearing. A dam fish is a type of fish that lives near a dam.”

The second altar boy says, “Oh, cool. That IS a huge dam fish! Let’s go show the priest!” So they run off.

W...

confession time

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sur...

A couple getting married are standing at the altar saying their vows...

"Do you, Linda, take David the optometrist for better or worse. Better.... Or worse? Better.... Or worse?"

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An altar boy walks in to find his priest masturbating furiously...

Emabarrassed, he begins to back out of the room when the priest says "Sean, this is perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of; you'll be doing it yourself soon enough".

Skeptical, Sean says "Really, Father?"

The priest replies "Sure you will, my wrist is getting tired!"

I went to a wedding where the groom was left at the altar.

It went off without a hitch

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A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.

His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do ...

When I was an altar boy, Father Murphy always said that I was his favorite and was so much nicer than the other boys...

I was touched...

[At the Altar]

*Leans in to kiss*

Priest: The bride, sir.

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One morning a man came into the church on crutches

He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, then threw away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the scene, then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?"
...

A meeting between all Catholic priests was held the other day, but the topic of altar boys was never brought up.

I guess they’ll touch on that later.

Why do Priests screw altar boys

Because nothing should be tighter than an altar boy's bond with god

Why does McDonalds like to hire altar boys?

Because if you can turn on a priest, you can turn on a fryer.

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A priest needs to go to the bathroom, but it's a busy day so he asks an altar boy to work the confessional for a little while...

The priest tells the boy, "don't worry, all the sins and their punishments are listed inside on the wall."

So the altar boy goes in. The first confessor, a woman enters. "Bless me father for I have sinned: I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."

The altar boy is looking on the punishment sheet...

What do wine and altar boys have in common?

Catholic priests like them aged eight years

How did the eager young altar boy get the holy water ready for the priest?

He boiled the hell out of it.

I'm confused. My professor told me Nietzsche was 'an atheist who worshiped at the altar of nihilism'.

Is nothing sacred?

What's the hardest part about a priest and an altar boy doing their ceremony?

Keeping a straight face.

Why do couples cry at the altar?

Eye Dew.

What did Fred Flintstone say at the altar on his wedding?

I YABBA DABBA DOO

Altar boys are a bit like Jesus.

They're being nailed.

I don't worry about my friend whose fiancee left him at the altar

I know he wants to hang himself, but he can't tie the knot.

A priest, a bishop, and an altar boy are out fishing...

A priest, a bishop, and an altar boy are out fishing on a lake. While they're relaxing and shooting the breeze, the priest accidentally drops his fishing pole into the water.

"No worries," says the priest. "I've got this."

He climbs out of the boat, steps onto the lake surface, and wal...

Do you know the one about the bride who choked at the altar?

Can't say I do.

"This body is a temple," said the altar boy,

" Only preists can enter it."

Why did the blonde put candy on the Buddha's altar?

To repay her caramel debt.

How many altar boys does it take to change a light bulb?

uhh...father...that's not a light bulb

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Two Irishmen met in a pub...

Two Irishmen meet in a pub, and in a slur one says to the other, "I'm thinking I ought to know ye."

The other replied, "You've got a familiar face, where ye be from?"

"I be from County Cork."

"Well I'll be dipped! I be from County Cork too, from Middleton!"

"Middleton?! I...

I stole an election from the altar at my town's church.

It resulted a huge altarcation in the chapel, let me tell you.

An Irish priest was at the altar one dreary Sunday morning, addressing his congregation

He was vehement that alcohol was the work of the devil.


"As an example," he stated during his sermon, "If you were to lead a donkey to a bowl of water and a bowl of whiskey, from which would he drink?"


Grizzly old Mick at the back of the church spoke up: "Aye, Father, f...

What did the altar boy say when he was in the shower?

"I got Pope in my eyes!"

Three guys are praying in front of the altar...

First guy: "God Please give me 5,000 $. Please just 5,000$"

Second guy: "God Please give me 10,000 $. Please just 10,000$"

Third guy: He goes to the first guy and gives him 5,000 $, then to the second guy and gives him 10,000 $. Then he looks at Jesus and tells him "God now concentrate...

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So when I was an altar boy when I was a kid...

...and its not all that you'd think it would be. Contrary to popular belief, an aletrboy's true purpose is to put up with the priests shit, and to pick up the slack when he drops the ball. Anyway, one day I was sweeping the chapel floor when i heard somebody whisper my name. I looked around and saw ...

Two altar boys are hoping to work in a church.

They are walking down the aisle in the church when the priest sees them. He walks up to them and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before."

What do Mike Piazza, and an altar boy have in common?

They were both catchers for the Padres.

On my wedding day, I walked down the aisle with my back to the altar

I really wasn't looking forward to getting married.

An altar boy goes into the confessional and says "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

To which the priest replies "No need to be so formal. Just call me Daddy."

Nun's First Confession

A Nun's First Confession. The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional. She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit." The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so ...

Larry Goes To Get Prayer For His Hearing

Larry goes to the revival and listens to the preacher.
After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Larry gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:
"Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

...

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An altar boy takes over hearing confessions...

A priest is hearing confessions one Sunday. So a man sits down in the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, I jacked off three times." The priest says, "It's ok, my son, it happens to us all. Just say three Hail Marys and three Our Fathers." Then the next man comes in and says "Forgive me Fathe...

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Why do priests have sex with altar boys?

Otherwise, they're getting nun.

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Bride and Groom at the Altar

A groom is standing at the altar watching his beautiful bride walking up the aisle. The best man looks at him and sees him smiling like crazy.

"I know it's your wedding, but what are you smiling like that for?"

"Last night she gave me the best blowjob of my life."

When the bride...

Two nuns at a Catholic Church

Two nuns at a Catholic Church near me got pregnant.

On an unrelated note, they dressed up as altar boys for Halloween.

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

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One spooky night on Halloween...

Chris, an urban adventurer. was looking to have some fun.

He decided that since it was Halloween, it would be the perfect time to explore a spooky house. He asked the locals if they knew of any, and they informed him of this abandoned mansion not to far from where he lived. He was warned cou...

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Donald Trump walks into a Catholic church.

He turns to the altar boy and asks

“where’s that box where I proclaim all the fucked up shit I’ve done lately”

The altar boy, stunned to see the president in his church, directs Trump to the confession box. Trump steps inside and the altar boy realizes the priest is nowhere to be found...

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!

After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.

The groom approache...

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The Missing Cock [nsfw]

The village priest went out to collect his freshly laid eggs on Sunday morning and realised his cockerel was missing.
At morning service he decided to ask his parishioners if they had seen it.
"Has anyone got a cock?" the priest asked.

All the men stood up!
"No, no," said the priest,...

It was early in the COVID-19 pandemic, and

Father Michael was walking through St. Patrick's Cathedral. He noticed an altar boy furiously scrubbing the crucifix. He asked the boy what he was doing, and the boy said "I'm trying to prevent cross contamination. "

A newly married Alan goes to the meet Father George

He greets the priest and says, 'Father, I need to talk to you.'

The Priest asks, 'Is it a confession, my son?'

Alan replies, 'No, Father! I need to clarify something.'

The Priest takes Alan to his private chamber and says, 'Tell me, Alan. What is it?'

Alan asks, 'Father,...

I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.

It’s his altar ego.

A man named Joseph moved into the apartment next to another man and his fiance.

The man and his fiance got to know Joseph over the next few months and became friendly towards him.

One day, Joseph was caught in an accident at work and injured his eye. He had to have a cotton patch over it for a few weeks while it healed.

It was during this time that the man's fianc...

I Just Started My Job as a Minister's Assistant

My local church just hired me to assist the minister, and so far the job is going very well. The only real challenge is that he's very particular about the display towards the front of the sanctuary. He insists that it be kept spotless at all times, decorated with the freshest flowers, and have ever...

Just heard this little bit of boomer humour

A priest is giving a sermon in church when suddenly flames leap up from behind the altar and the devil himself rises from below. Terrified all but one of the congregation flee, the devil stares at the last remaining member of the church, a single old man and asks him, ‘are you not afraid mortal?’...

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Been a year of lifeless scrolling on reddit so here's a classic to celebrate it : )

The priest in a small village loved the rooster he kept in the house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the bird and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the...

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A virgin is trapped in the woods on a deserted island

A virgin is trapped in the woods on an island which appears to be deserted. However, once he sets up camp, some indigenous people tie him up and capture him.

The man is pretty ugly, so the tribe decides he is probably a virgin. The leader proclaims, "It is as prophesied: the gods have brought...

A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.

Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons.



“I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee....

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Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident.

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says, "If any of you did the wrong things with altar boys, there’s no point waiting here. You might as well go straight to hell right now!”

Nine of the priests turn around and b...

The devil strolls into a church

Everybody starts screaming and running out, the priest almost falls as he jumps over the altar. One old man remains seated seemingly completely unphased by the incident. The devil booms "YOU MUST BE BLIND OLD MAN, DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM???" The man replies, "Not really worried brother... I married ...

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A priest is taking confessions...

in the confession booth, and he desperately needs to take a bathroom break, however the queue outside the booth of confessing sinners is building and he really doesn't want to delay any further.

Thankfully, with him is a young deacon in training, so the priest whispers to him,
"listen, I ...

Wedding Nerves

Girl was about to get married, but was very nervous. She told the pastor she was too nervous to go in front of all the people to marry her soon to be husband. The Pastor told her to look straight down the aisle at the altar, and listen to the hymn. The ceremony started, so she started repeating it o...

As a child my priest traumatized me.

He cheated on me with another altar boy.

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A groom breaks tradition by taking a quiet moment with his bride before their wedding...

He can barely get one word in before she drops to her knees and gives him the best blowjob he’s ever had.

Later, beaming, as he takes his place at the altar, his best man asks him why he’s so happy.

“I just got the best blow job of my life, and I’m marrying the woman who did it!” He re...

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