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Altar Jokes

The priest angrily asks the altar boy standing two meters away,

"Are you secretly drinking the holy wine?"

The altar boy remains silent. The priest's anger grows.
"I'm asking you! Can't you hear me?"

"No, I can't hear anything from here, Father."

"What do you mean? You're just two steps away and you can't hear me?"

The altar...

Altar boy goes to confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm su...

I was engaged to be married 5 times, but never made it to the altar..

That's a lot of near Mrs

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The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a £5.00 note.

The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...you’re a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.

The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
...

Bride was stood up at the altar and decided to have the party any way.

It went off without a hitch!

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!

After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.

The groom approache...

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A man haunted by his sins went to the church for a confession with the priest...

There's a devout Catholic man who once committed a regrettable act – he gave his best friend a blowjob while intoxicated. Filled with remorse, he decided to seek forgiveness from God and headed to the church.

Inside the church, he approached the priest and says he wants to confessed his sin, ...

The wedding party is standing at the altar waiting for bride and groom....NSFW

The groom arrives and is adjusting his belt while smiling hugely. Groomsman asks him what he's smiling about.

Groom replies "I just got the most amazing head-job from a beautiful woman and will be waking up to that every day for the rest of my life!"

Bride arrives, fixing her lip-stick...

My fiance left me at the altar...

Turns out she wasn't as into human sacrifice as I was.

Officer: The Victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers.

Detective: Dear God

Officer: Most likely yes

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A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.

His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do ...

Why was baby shark not allowed to be an altar boy?

Because its mouth has too many teeth to doo doo doo.

How do you get a Nun pregnant?

Dress her as an altar boy

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An altar boy walks in to find his priest masturbating furiously...

Emabarrassed, he begins to back out of the room when the priest says "Sean, this is perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of; you'll be doing it yourself soon enough".

Skeptical, Sean says "Really, Father?"

The priest replies "Sure you will, my wrist is getting tired!"

[At the Altar]

*Leans in to kiss*

Priest: The bride, sir.

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Two altar boys catch a fish. One says, “look at this huge dam fish!”

The second altar boy says, “You shouldn’t swear like that! You’re an altar boy.”

The first says, “I wasn’t swearing. A dam fish is a type of fish that lives near a dam.”

The second altar boy says, “Oh, cool. That IS a huge dam fish! Let’s go show the priest!” So they run off.

W...

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

Why does McDonalds like to hire altar boys?

Because if you can turn on a priest, you can turn on a fryer.

Why do Priests screw altar boys

Because nothing should be tighter than an altar boy's bond with god

A couple getting married are standing at the altar saying their vows...

"Do you, Linda, take David the optometrist for better or worse. Better.... Or worse? Better.... Or worse?"

When I was an altar boy, Father Murphy always said that I was his favorite and was so much nicer than the other boys...

I was touched...

What do wine and altar boys have in common?

Catholic priests like them aged eight years

Why do couples cry at the altar?

Eye Dew.

Altar boys are a bit like Jesus.

They're being nailed.

How do altar boys qualify for their job?

By oral examination.

"This body is a temple," said the altar boy,

" Only preists can enter it."

What did Fred Flintstone say at the altar on his wedding?

I YABBA DABBA DOO

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Donald Trump walks into a Catholic church.

He turns to the altar boy and asks

“where’s that box where I proclaim all the fucked up shit I’ve done lately”

The altar boy, stunned to see the president in his church, directs Trump to the confession box. Trump steps inside and the altar boy realizes the priest is nowhere to be found...

A priest, a bishop, and an altar boy are out fishing...

A priest, a bishop, and an altar boy are out fishing on a lake. While they're relaxing and shooting the breeze, the priest accidentally drops his fishing pole into the water.

"No worries," says the priest. "I've got this."

He climbs out of the boat, steps onto the lake surface, and wal...

What's the hardest part about a priest and an altar boy doing their ceremony?

Keeping a straight face.

A young altar boy walks into a room with a priest

The priest instructs him to observe his surroundings.

"What do you see"

"I see a light, and some walls, and a door."

"Now, what do you hear"

"I hear birds chirping and the wind blowing."

The priest gestured to the boy and showed him a small rag.

"Now, what d...

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Why do priests have sex with altar boys?

Otherwise, they're getting nun.

Two altar boys are hoping to work in a church.

They are walking down the aisle in the church when the priest sees them. He walks up to them and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before."

How did the eager young altar boy get the holy water ready for the priest?

He boiled the hell out of it.

Three guys are praying in front of the altar...

First guy: "God Please give me 5,000 $. Please just 5,000$"

Second guy: "God Please give me 10,000 $. Please just 10,000$"

Third guy: He goes to the first guy and gives him 5,000 $, then to the second guy and gives him 10,000 $. Then he looks at Jesus and tells him "God now concentrate...

I don't worry about my friend whose fiancee left him at the altar

I know he wants to hang himself, but he can't tie the knot.

I'm confused. My professor told me Nietzsche was 'an atheist who worshiped at the altar of nihilism'.

Is nothing sacred?

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Bride and Groom at the Altar

A groom is standing at the altar watching his beautiful bride walking up the aisle. The best man looks at him and sees him smiling like crazy.

"I know it's your wedding, but what are you smiling like that for?"

"Last night she gave me the best blowjob of my life."

When the bride...

Do you know the one about the bride who choked at the altar?

Can't say I do.

What did the altar boy say when he was in the shower?

"I got Pope in my eyes!"

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My priest is an asshole.

Talk about an altar ego.

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Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident.

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says, "If any of you did the wrong things with altar boys, there’s no point waiting here. You might as well go straight to hell right now!”

Nine of the priests turn around and b...

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The Priests Question

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. D...

I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.

It’s his altar ego.

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So when I was an altar boy when I was a kid...

...and its not all that you'd think it would be. Contrary to popular belief, an aletrboy's true purpose is to put up with the priests shit, and to pick up the slack when he drops the ball. Anyway, one day I was sweeping the chapel floor when i heard somebody whisper my name. I looked around and saw ...

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One morning a man came into the church on crutches

He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, then threw away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the scene, then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?"
...

Men and women have two distinct views about weddings.

The husband-to-be wakes up in the morning, plays a round of golf and counts the minutes until he has to be at the altar.
The wife-to-be, on the other hand, wakes up in the morning and is panicking. She immediately begins to organize things, making sure everything is in proper order. In her mind ...

A man was passing by a small courtyard when he starting hearing...

...voices and murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said, "NIL."

White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.

The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and a...

Wedding Nerves

Girl was about to get married, but was very nervous. She told the pastor she was too nervous to go in front of all the people to marry her soon to be husband. The Pastor told her to look straight down the aisle at the altar, and listen to the hymn. The ceremony started, so she started repeating it o...

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the limerick contest

An altar boy is sent up to the priest's office.
Priest: Now, I've heard you participated in a competition.
Altar Boy: Yes father, that is true.
Priest: And I heard, this was a competition in the art of writing limericks.
Altar Boy: Yes father, that is true.
Priest: And I hea...

Two nuns at a Catholic Church

Two nuns at a Catholic Church near me got pregnant.

On an unrelated note, they dressed up as altar boys for Halloween.

Nun's First Confession

A Nun's First Confession. The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional. She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit." The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so ...

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A priest is doing confessional and really has to go to the bathroom.

While he's in between people, he notices the janitor outside the confessional booth.



**Priest:** "Hey John, come sit in here for me for a second while I use the restroom, please."



**John the janitor:** "Yes Father, no problem."



As the janitor is waiti...

It was early in the COVID-19 pandemic, and

Father Michael was walking through St. Patrick's Cathedral. He noticed an altar boy furiously scrubbing the crucifix. He asked the boy what he was doing, and the boy said "I'm trying to prevent cross contamination. "

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Two Irishmen met in a pub...

Two Irishmen meet in a pub, and in a slur one says to the other, "I'm thinking I ought to know ye."

The other replied, "You've got a familiar face, where ye be from?"

"I be from County Cork."

"Well I'll be dipped! I be from County Cork too, from Middleton!"

"Middleton?! I...

Larry Goes To Get Prayer For His Hearing

Larry goes to the revival and listens to the preacher.
After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Larry gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:
"Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

...

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A priest is taking confessions...

in the confession booth, and he desperately needs to take a bathroom break, however the queue outside the booth of confessing sinners is building and he really doesn't want to delay any further.

Thankfully, with him is a young deacon in training, so the priest whispers to him,
"listen, I ...

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A groom breaks tradition by taking a quiet moment with his bride before their wedding...

He can barely get one word in before she drops to her knees and gives him the best blowjob he’s ever had.

Later, beaming, as he takes his place at the altar, his best man asks him why he’s so happy.

“I just got the best blow job of my life, and I’m marrying the woman who did it!” He re...

As a child my priest traumatized me.

He cheated on me with another altar boy.

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Three best friends become nuns

Three young women who had been best friends for their entire lives all decided to join a convent and become nuns. After going through all of the preparatory courses, the young women are ready to take their final vows.

After an elaborate and beautiful ceremony, the priest calls the young wome...

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Forgiving Your Enemies

After a long sermon, the priest asks his parishioners if they are ready to forgive their enemies. About half of the people in the congregation raise their hands. The priest talks for another 20 minutes and at the end asks the same question. This time, 80 percent of the parishioners raise their hands...

What do you call the identity of a person who secretly is a priest?

It’s an altar ego.

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In Catholicism, you can only have sex with your partner when you are married. So if priests are married to God, they can have sex with God.

And sometimes they cheat on God with altar boys.

How do you give a catholic priest a circumcision?

Kick the altar boy in the chin.

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What's the easiest way to lose your virginity?

Be an altar boy.

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A priest is running late for an appointment

so he asks the altar boy to help him with the confessions.

"If someone comes for a confession, go to the confessional and pretend to be me. When they tell you their sin look it up on this reference book and tell them their penance"


Now that the altar boy is in charge a girl comes ...

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How much penance is there for a blow job?

A man is in confessional when the priest says "Hey, I've got really bad diarrhea, could I get you to take over for a bit?" The man says "I don't know what penance to ask for sins.", to which the priest replies "I have a list..." and opens the divider to show the man the list on the wall. "You just l...

The devil strolls into a church

Everybody starts screaming and running out, the priest almost falls as he jumps over the altar. One old man remains seated seemingly completely unphased by the incident. The devil booms "YOU MUST BE BLIND OLD MAN, DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM???" The man replies, "Not really worried brother... I married ...

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