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An altar boy walks in to find his priest masturbating furiously...

Emabarrassed, he begins to back out of the room when the priest says "Sean, this is perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of; you'll be doing it yourself soon enough".

Skeptical, Sean says "Really, Father?"

The priest replies "Sure you will, my wrist is getting tired!"

Why does McDonalds like to hire altar boys?

Because if you can turn on a priest, you can turn on a fryer.

I overheard a coven of witches sharing tips to keep cats off their altars.

I guess it’s a *familiar* problem.

An altar boy comes running up to the Father. "Father, Sister Hilda is running around the abbey nude!"

The Father turns to the boy and smiles, "Oh, that's just like Hilda. Some say she's just got a bad habit."

My last girlfriend left me at the altar...

I guess she just wasn't into animal sacrifice

Altar boy goes to confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm su...

What did Fred Flintstone say at the altar on his wedding?

I YABBA DABBA DOO

An altar boy is not unlike a camel at all.

They’re both meant to carry someone else’s load.

What's the hardest part about a priest and an altar boy doing their ceremony?

Keeping a straight face.

How does a priest find out if the new altar boy has a pure laugh?

Using test tickles.

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.
The groom approaches the him ...

Altar boys are a bit like Jesus.

They're being nailed.

Why do couples cry at the altar?

Eye Dew.

Why do Priests screw altar boys

Because nothing should be tighter than an altar boy's bond with god

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Little Johnny, an altar boy, went into the confessional box because he has been seeing a girl

"Bless me father for I have sinned against the Lord."

The priest asks, "Little Johnny, is that you?"

"Indeed. It is I father"

"Let me guess, you came here to confess about seeing a girl?"

"My lips ar- wait, how did you know father?"

"BECAUSE THIS IS THE FIFTH TIME ...

"This body is a temple," said the altar boy,

" Only preists can enter it."

How do altar boys qualify for their job?

By oral examination.

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A priest needs to go to the bathroom, but it's a busy day so he asks an altar boy to work the confessional for a little while...

The priest tells the boy, "don't worry, all the sins and their punishments are listed inside on the wall."

So the altar boy goes in. The first confessor, a woman enters. "Bless me father for I have sinned: I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."

The altar boy is looking on the punishment sheet...

What do wine and altar boys have in common?

Catholic priests like them aged eight years

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change in the pulpit.

At home he was shy, quiet and retiring but in the church he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people.
One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
"Ah," he said, "...

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy

When I was an altar boy, Father Murphy always said that I was his favorite and was so much nicer than the other boys...

I was touched...

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A guy goes in to a catholic church to confess his sins but Father is still sleeping up stairs half drunk so one of the altar boys tries taking the confession instead

but soon this altar boy is put in a situation where he does not know what to do.

"Euh, excuses me for one sec. I will be right back to let you know what the proper penance is for that sin"

"Psssht, hey danny. Danny!"

"Yeah"

"What does Father give for masturbation?"
...

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A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.

His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do ...

Do you know the one about the bride who choked at the altar?

Can't say I do.

Wedding Nerves

Girl was about to get married, but was very nervous. She told the pastor she was too nervous to go in front of all the people to marry her soon to be husband. The Pastor told her to look straight down the aisle at the altar, and listen to the hymn. The ceremony started, so she started repeating it o...

Why did the watermelon get left at the altar?

Because his fiance cantelope.

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How much penance is there for a blow job?

A man is in confessional when the priest says "Hey, I've got really bad diarrhea, could I get you to take over for a bit?" The man says "I don't know what penance to ask for sins.", to which the priest replies "I have a list..." and opens the divider to show the man the list on the wall. "You just l...

I stole an election from the altar at my town's church.

It resulted a huge altarcation in the chapel, let me tell you.

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In Catholicism, you can only have sex with your partner when you are married. So if priests are married to God, they can have sex with God.

And sometimes they cheat on God with altar boys.

I'm confused. My professor told me Nietzsche was 'an atheist who worshiped at the altar of nihilism'.

Is nothing sacred?

What did the altar boy say when he was in the shower?

"I got Pope in my eyes!"

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What's the easiest way to lose your virginity?

Be an altar boy.

I don't worry about my friend whose fiancee left him at the altar

I know he wants to hang himself, but he can't tie the knot.

A priest, a bishop, and an altar boy are out fishing...

A priest, a bishop, and an altar boy are out fishing on a lake. While they're relaxing and shooting the breeze, the priest accidentally drops his fishing pole into the water.

"No worries," says the priest. "I've got this."

He climbs out of the boat, steps onto the lake surface, and wal...

Two altar boys are hoping to work in a church.

They are walking down the aisle in the church when the priest sees them. He walks up to them and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before."

On my wedding day, I walked down the aisle with my back to the altar

I really wasn't looking forward to getting married.

A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.

Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons.



“I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee....

Three guys are praying in front of the altar...

First guy: "God Please give me 5,000 $. Please just 5,000$"

Second guy: "God Please give me 10,000 $. Please just 10,000$"

Third guy: He goes to the first guy and gives him 5,000 $, then to the second guy and gives him 10,000 $. Then he looks at Jesus and tells him "God now concentrate...

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Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident.

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says, "If any of you did the wrong things with altar boys, there’s no point waiting here. You might as well go straight to hell right now!”

Nine of the priests turn around and b...

I came to the realization that my 5 year old was watching too much reality TV when we attended a wedding

As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle to the altar, he asked, "Is this where the groom picks the one he wants to marry?"

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so my brother noticed that his church uses girls as "altar boys"

i had to tell him that not all priests are gay.

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So when I was an altar boy when I was a kid...

...and its not all that you'd think it would be. Contrary to popular belief, an aletrboy's true purpose is to put up with the priests shit, and to pick up the slack when he drops the ball. Anyway, one day I was sweeping the chapel floor when i heard somebody whisper my name. I looked around and saw ...

As a child my priest traumatized me.

He cheated on me with another altar boy.

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What did the priest say to the altar boy who liked chickens

Cock-a-diddle-you

What do Mike Piazza, and an altar boy have in common?

They were both catchers for the Padres.

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Another Christian Joke

A priest is sitting in the confessional when he realizes he really needs to take a shit. He peeks out the door and sees the janitor. "psst, hey bobby, come here, can you sit here and listen to these confessions while I go drop trou?" The janitor is hesitant, but the priest reassures him and shows hi...

Peter in church...

In a church one Sunday morning a preacher said,

"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front of the altar."

With that, Peter got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher asked,

"Peter, what do you want me to pray about for you...

Easter mass

Easter was was very traditional this year the priests and bishops came, the altar boys didn’t say anything, and when the service was over the priests went to a different church.

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An altar boy takes over hearing confessions...

A priest is hearing confessions one Sunday. So a man sits down in the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, I jacked off three times." The priest says, "It's ok, my son, it happens to us all. Just say three Hail Marys and three Our Fathers." Then the next man comes in and says "Forgive me Fathe...

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Bride and Groom at the Altar

A groom is standing at the altar watching his beautiful bride walking up the aisle. The best man looks at him and sees him smiling like crazy.

"I know it's your wedding, but what are you smiling like that for?"

"Last night she gave me the best blowjob of my life."

When the bride...

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The lost cock

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass...

Lorraine

So imagine you are dating this girl named Lorraine, she is AWFUL. She stalks you, goes through your phone, and other crazy girlfriend things. The times you have tried to break up with her is countless but she always weasels her way out of it and you find yourself not doing it.

However there i...

I just found my friend has a secret life as a priest

It's his altar ego

A Catholic kid goes into confession...

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“Yes, son, what did you do?”

“I cannot say.”

“You must confess, or I cannot give you absolution.”

“Well, Father, I had relations with a young girl.”

“I will forgive you. But who was the young girl?”

“Sorry, Father, I...

I just saw someone had set up a little wedding chapel in their front yard.

It had a tasteful little altar, a lattice arch covered in white roses, the whole deal. The only thing I didn't understand was a vertical length of 2x4 lumber, placed in a hole in the ground so it stuck three feet high. Just then, I noticed someone who lived there open the front door and start wal...

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It was the happiest day of my life.

Arrived at church.

wife waiting at altar.

Walked up the aisle.

Kissed her on the cheek,

smiled and closed the fucking lid.

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the limerick contest

An altar boy is sent up to the priest's office.
Priest: Now, I've heard you participated in a competition.
Altar Boy: Yes father, that is true.
Priest: And I heard, this was a competition in the art of writing limericks.
Altar Boy: Yes father, that is true.
Priest: And I hea...

An English sailor is swept overboard and ends upon alone on an island

In a terrible storm in the south seas, an English sailor is swept overboard. Somehow he manages to find enough wood to cling to, survives the storm, and eventually washes up on an island.


After giving up on any hope of a quick rescue, he realizes he must make do. As an member of the R...

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A prison chaplain prays with a mafia boss

He gave him a figurine of the Virgin Mary and told him to follow God’s word and not go astray.

Then he came back the next day and found a note on the altar in the chapel.

“If you want to see your mom again break me out of this prison.”

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I am so ugly that..

I have been working as an altar boy for more than a year, and I am still a virgin

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A groom breaks tradition by taking a quiet moment with his bride before their wedding...

He can barely get one word in before she drops to her knees and gives him the best blowjob he’s ever had.

Later, beaming, as he takes his place at the altar, his best man asks him why he’s so happy.

“I just got the best blow job of my life, and I’m marrying the woman who did it!” He re...

A Priest goes on a cruise...

English is my second language, so, please forgive me!


So that priest is going on a cruise, and he needs someone to do his confessional work for him. After a mass, he asks a guy : the gentleman accepts.

1st guy to come in the confessional says : "forgive me, Father, as I have sinned...

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A Rabbi goes to church to visit a friend who is a priest...(long)

He is waiting around for the priest, just hanging out by the pews, when a young woman comes into the church, and goes into the confessional.

The Rabbi thinks to himself that he dose not want to wait around longer for the the priest, and taking confessions can't be that difficult, so he slip...

Why do people’s personalities change so much after marriage?

Because out comes their altar ego.

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A newly anointed priest is given his first posting.

Father Ben a newly anointed priest is given his first posting of his career. He’s fairly young and very nervous, but seeing his distress, Father Todd the elderly priest he’s replacing was very thoughtful and had prepared some cheat sheets so everything would transition smoothly. Hidden behind the al...

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A priest is taking confessions...

in the confession booth, and he desperately needs to take a bathroom break, however the queue outside the booth of confessing sinners is building and he really doesn't want to delay any further.

Thankfully, with him is a young deacon in training, so the priest whispers to him,
"listen, I ...

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