What's the tastiest part of a doorway?

The jamb.

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At a wedding party in Mexico, the inebriated groom stumbles into the bedroom and finds his bride getting fucked by the best man.he laughs uproariously and calls his his friends to the doorway to have a look. They say to him "Juan, you are drunk!"

"You think I'M drunk?" he yells. .
"Take a look at Manuel. . He's so drunk, he thinks he's ME!"

Yoda stands in the doorway, surveying the crime scene.

The victim is lying face down on the floor in a pool of his own blood. Huge chunks have been taken out of him, and clear teeth marks are visible around the open wounds. Against a nearby wall lies the suspected killer. Mouth full of blood (likely not his own) and back broken in such a way that he can...

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

“We’ve divided the population as you’ve requested, Mr. President,” announced the assistant from the doorway, “so we’re just waiting on your final approval for the memory wipe.”

“Wipe the memory of groups 1-8,” replied the president, “leave group 9 alone but wipe group 10 too.”

“Sir? You want us to wipe groups 1 through 8 and then 10, but not 9? Group 9 refers to... children born between 1990 and 1999, why should they be left with their memories?”

The presiden...

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A man walks into a bar. A sign above the bar says “Complete the challenge, win $500.”

Curious, he asks the bartender about the sign. The bartender says, “It’s simple, drink that bottle of habañero vodka, go out back and extract a bad tooth from an angry alligator and then go upstairs and give an orgasm to a woman who’s never had one.”

The man thinks about and decides he has be...

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[Long] A guy walks into a bar and demands 3 shots of tequila. Bartender obliges and says, "rough day?". "You have no idea!", the guy replies as he slams down the shots...

He begins telling him about his horrible day when a jar full of money at the end of the bar catches his eye. "What's that jar of money for over there? It's full to the brim of $10's and $20's!"

Bartender tells him it's a challenge he offers to his patrons, $10 to play, and you have to complet...

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His Native American girlfriend was really shy...

...so, when she came to visit him at college, he hid her away in a hotel pretty far away from his school. He knew how crude his schoolmates could be and it wouldn't do for her to be exposed to such filth as these cretins would be likely to subject her to.

The whole week that she visited, she ...

Paddy’s night in Dublin

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He fal...

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A man goes to a brothel

He asks the hookers in the doorway: "Do you have a colleague with a really bad STD?"

The girls whisper a little and then say: "Yes, we know someone: Melissa."

The guy then proceeds to walk in, but the two girls call him back with a question: "Why do you need a hooker with a STD?"
...

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The devil is showing the new arrivals around hell

The devil shows them all the different torture devices, they use the crime the people committed on earth to sort them into which punishment they get.



They hear screams coming from behind a doorway. The devil opens it and shows them people getting killed over and over. "These are the p...

A man spends the entire night getting hammered at his local pub.

After last call, the man stands up from his stool but falls flat on his face trying to walk. He pulls himself up in the doorway of the bar, attempts to stand, but falls flat on his face to the sidewalk. He drags himself to his car and drives home. He tries to unlock his front door, finally gets it u...

Two church members were going door-to-door through the neighborhood and finally arrived at Mrs. Smith's house.

She was not happy to see them. She greeted them with an attitude that made it clear she had no time to waste on them or their message.


As she slammed the door in their faces, though, to her surprise, it bounced back open. She caught it, slammed it again, but the same thing happened! ...

A young woman was moving into a new home in the suburbs—her first time away from family.

She decided to take residence in a house that was built by a small family several years ago. There was some construction to be done, however, so she called one of her friends who had a background in architecture to point her in the right direction.

He arrived early one morning, surveying the ...

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Little Johnny

A traveling salesman rings the doorbell, and 10-year-old Little Johnny answers. He's holding a beer, smoking a fat cigar, and kicks a used condom away from the doorway.

The salesman says, "Young man, is your mother home?"

Little Johnny takes a swig of beer and says, "What the fuck do y...

A lady was expecting the plumber. He was scheduled to come at 10 A.M. Ten o’clock came and went with no plumber.

She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived. He knocked on the door; the lady’s parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, “Who is it?”



He replied, “It’s the plumber.”



He thought it was the lady who’d...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a big jar full of money on the counter

He asks the bartender about it, and he replies, "Oh, it's for this ongoing... I guess you'd call it a contest."

Intrigued, the man asks how it works.

"Well, you put $100 in and then you'll win the whole jar if you complete three tasks."

The jar is quite large and full to the b...

A man is half listening to his wife.

She mentions putting a potted plant in the doorway. He goes to bed a few minutes later. He wakes up and feels like he’s forgetting something. He steps out of his room, still confused.


And then it hit him.

A Rabbi, a Hindu holy man, and an Alabama Crimson Tide fan are in a car together, but the car breaks down.

Luckily, there's a farm right nearby. The farmer says, "I only got room for two of ya in the house, so one of you's gonna have to sleep in the barn."

The Hindu holy man decides to go, but comes back to the barn because there's a cow in there, and Cows are sacred in his faith.

The Rabb...

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Trump snuffs it, and arrives at the Pearly Gates

they issue him with a Redirect Notice, and he is sent to the not-so-pearly ones.
The Devil looks at his clipboard irritably.
“Look, I’ve got a problem. You’re due here about now, but I’m full. I’ll have to ID one of the temporary inmates, whose sentence is just about up, and give them an ...

A joke for Tony Bennett fans...

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam where best friends. They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good.
Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together.

Larry went to heaven and ...

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Little Timmy went into the living room as his parents were having an argument.

“You bastard!” said his mum to his dad.

“You bitch!” replied his dad to his mum.

And they suddenly stopped when they saw little Timmy in the doorway.

“Mum, what’s a bastard? Dad, what’s a bitch?” questioned Timmy.

His parents stuttered and stammered until his mum thought ...

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Mailman Gets an Interesting Christmas Gift

Joe the mailman was on his usual rounds in late December when he came upon the Jones residence, finding to his surprise that Mrs. Jones was standing in the doorway in sexy lingerie beckoning him inside. Not one to question a good thing, Joe followed her inside, where she showed him the night of his ...

Abraham wandered into Sam’s pawnshop and placed a leather coat on the counter.

“How much will you give me for this jacket?”

Sam checked it over. “$20, and that’s the best” he replied.

“But that jacket is worth $100" argued Abraham.

Sam was adamant. “$20 or nothing.”

“Are you sure that’s all it’s worth?” pressed Abe.

“Positive”

...

Arnold Schwarzenegger woke up this morning with a sore head and a bad back...

... he put on his dressing gown and slippers, opened the door to his en suite shower and let out a sigh.

“Why is my shoauwer still broken?” He exclaimed. “The plumber was supposed to hef come last week.”

He made his way to the kitchen to fix himself some food. Opening the fridge, a put...

A man dies and is sent to hell.

A man dies and is sent to hell. Satan greets him and shows him a series of doors. "While our job is to torture you and make you suffer for all eternity, we also treating our guests well. Hence, we would like to offer you a choice in how you would like to be tortured," said the devil.

Satan op...

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A decrepit drunk decides it's finally time to leave the bar.

He stands up, wobbles a bit, and proceeds to throw up all over the front of his shirt. He looks down and bursts into tears.

The bartender walks up and says, _"Hey bud, what's wrong?"_

Between sobs, the drunk says, _"My life is over. I told my wife I would quit drinking, and just look. ...

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A man walks into a bar

and orders a beer. The bartender goes to serve him his beer, but says: "Here's your beer, but you better drink that fast, because the black knight is coming soon.". The man doesn't take note and slowly drinks his beer. When finished, he orders a new beer. The bartender again: "Alright, but this time...

It's a mailman's last day at work

As he makes his daily rounds, his usual customers hand him their regards. Housewives, businessman, children on their way to school--they give him assorted gifts, including chocolate, flowers, or a simple hug.

As he turns onto the next block, he sees the a blond housewife standing in beautifu...

Wife has hearing problems

A old man thinks his wife is losing her hearing. He calls the doctor about it and the doctor says he can do a little experiment to determine the severity, "Ask her a question from the next room in a normal tone of voice, and keep asking while coming closer until she can hear you. That way you know t...

Joseph Stalin is walking through a small town when he came upon a little girl

Joseph Stalin was walking through a small town when he came upon a little girl sitting in the doorway of a house. He smiled at her and said "Little girl, do you know who I am?"
The little girl gives him a blank stare.
"You really don't know? I'm the one who gave you everything you have!" ...

Three young friends,

seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.


Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never bef...

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A widow puts out an ad for a man...

She put out an ad for a man that would not beat her, not run away, and could satisfy her sexually. A few days later the doorbell rings. And in the doorway is a man with no arms or legs. He told her he was there to answer her ad, and she asked him why he thought he fit the criteria.

"Well, I h...

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Jim walks into a bar with his arm in a sling.

He sits next to his friend Bill and orders two shots of whiskey.

Bill asks him, "How'd you break your arm, Jim?"

Jim downs a shot of whiskey and says, "Well, you see, about two years ago--"

Bill interrupts him, "Woah woah, two YEARS! You didn't break your arm two YEARS ago!"
...

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I was telling my friend about my training to be a paratrooper when the story of my first jump came up.

Me: Sitting there waiting to jump my mind was racing. Must've been 20 minutes before that red light telling us to stand up came on. Then when it went green one by one the guys in front of me started to jump. Slowly I moved my way towards the door and when it was finally my turn I froze. I looked out...

A dad and his daughter are having an argument...

The daughter gets really frustrated with the situation, and goes to leave the room. When she reaches the doorway, she turns around and blurts out "AND BY THE WAY, JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!".

Her dad yells back "HEY, WHAT'D I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS".

The Old Coffin

A man was walking home one day after a long day of work. As he was walking, he came up on a old coffin laying on the side of the trail. He thought it was odd because it was a old pine box coffin and he had never seen one in person before. The man shrugged it off and kept walking.

The man kept...

I used to be a huge fan of tractors.

When I was younger I loved them in all shapes and sizes. This was until I went to the county fare when I was 10, and the farmer refused to let me sit in his tractor. I ran home and cried my eyes out, tore all the tractor posters off my wall and that was that.

11 years later standing in the do...

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The Cowboy and the Genie

One day, a cowboy was riding along on his animal when suddenly a genie appeared.

The genie said, “I will grant you any three wishes you’d like”

The cowboy can’t believe what he’s hearing but he doesn’t want to risk passing up such an amazing opportunity.

So the cowboy says, “We...

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One evening, a vicar has a brilliant idea.

Wouldn't it be wonderful, he thinks, to have a parrot in the church doorway to greet the congregation as they arrive on Sundays.

So, next morning, he gets up bright and early, and heads off to the nearest pet shop, where he enquires about parrots.

They have but one parrot in stock, and...

Why don't Jehovah Witness' get killed during an earthquake...

Because they are always in your doorway.

A man is sitting at the bar...

...and he hears the bartender give the last call. He thinks to himself, this would be an appropriate time to stand up and start making his way home.

He goes to stand up and falls flat on his face.

"That's strange. I can't have possibly had that much to drink." He attempts to stand up a...

Not so funny now is it?

A boy comes home from school. He hears a thud-thud-thud sound coming from upstairs. He goes to investigate and notices the sound is getting louder.
Thud-thud-thud, it's getting louder and faster. It's coming from his parents room! The boy flings the door open and sees his mom on all fours an...

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[NSFW] Black Jack, the infamous bandit

Far in the Wild West, the people of a small town were having a good time at the local bar, when suddenly someone rushes in the door and yells

"Everybody run! Black Jack, the infamous bandit is comin' to town!"

Everyone starts panicking and runs out the bar as fast as they can. The bart...

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Two soldiers were deployed to Syria...

After a hard day of work, one of the soldiers went back to base to relax and watch anime, since he was a weeb.
The other soldier, intrigued by the strange Japanese cartoons, watched with him.

"Anime is so stupid, why would you tell out your next attack? It gives time for an enemy to dodge ...

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A man wants to lose some weight...

A man wants to lose a couple of pounds. After browsing the internet, he finds an ad saying "lose weight quickly!" Skeptical, he calls the number. A very cheerful woman answers the phone and explains "yes, we have 3 different exercise program levels. The first one is for beginners and you can lose up...

Sherlock decided to redesign 221b Baker street.

Watson returns home one day, but it appears that Sherlock has hidden the doorway.

Frustrated, he eventually runs into Mrs Hudson who explains that Sherlock has moved the entrance to the back garden. He notices some lemon trees growing over the doorway. When he asks Sherlock why this is, he r...

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A man goes out for a few beers

My Uncle told me this joke years ago while we were camping. It's way better in person, but gives me a little chuckle every time :)

***

A man goes out for a few beers after a long day at work. He sits at the bar alone for some time before making idle conversation with the new barkeep wh...

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Cigarettes

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another a...

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Two prostitutes are walking along a quiet street at night...

...when they encounter a policeman standing in a doorway. "Good evening ladies" he says..."I know what you are doing" he continues...
"Have you ever been picked up by The Fuzz?" he enquires...


The two girls both look knowingly at one another and one of them sighs "No, but I've been swu...

The Italian bride

A newly married Italian couple is spending their honeymoon in the bride's mother's country cottage. It's the 1930s the bride’s father died long ago, and they don't have much money so this is the best they can do. The new bride, a lovely young woman, has never left her village and never been with a m...

Little old lady

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying A vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man.
'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleane...

A Brunette and a Blonde are robbing the local town bank...

The brunette, as the getaway driver, grows increasingly nervous as the minutes pass by and eventually sees the blonde struggling to get out of the building. As the blonde gets through the doorway the brunette finds her pulling a rope she tied around a small safe. The blonde manages to get the safe t...

So the family wife comes home after a long day of work...

...and the husband is already there. The wife walks in the door and is slightly surprised/ irritated to find her husband (who she’s been considering divorcing,) standing in the doorway right in front of her, hands on hips, BEAMING with pride.

Wife: “Why are you so happy?”

Husband: “I...

An American bloke goes on holiday to England.

On his return, he's telling his pal all about it.

"I was coming out of a shop one day and it was raining hard outside, so I took shelter in a doorway.

Another feller was sheltering too, and he turned to me and he said, "Nice weather". Well, of course it wasn't nice weather at all. In...

My girlfriend was really adamant that we do Molly together for the first time

So she asked if I knew where I could find Molly. I said, "Yeah, your sister is right upstairs, and just got back Burning Man."

"That's right!" replied my girlfriend. "Why don't you run up there and get some and I'll be right up."

A few minutes later she was standing in Molly's doorway...

A man is being tried for murder, but the body has not yet been found.

The jury is considering the death penalty. The man's defense lawyer comes on the podium and says he has a revelation to make.

"The victim is alive," the lawyer says, "I found him and he will enter this doorway right about now."

The court then turns their heads toward the door waiting ...

Three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger...

One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ" he exclaimed.
Joseph said: "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Wayne."

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A couple goes on vacation for their 60th wedding anniversary....

They decide to go to the same island and stay at the same hotel as their honeymoon 60 years earlier.

After checking in and a nice, romantic dinner, they go back to their suite, just like on the honeymoon.

The Wife goes into the bathroom and slips on the same lingerie as their first n...

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A little boy gets a cow boy outfit for his birthday...

and goes into the local ice cream shop. He's dressed in his chaps, a vest, a cowboy hat, a kerchief, a black mask and a double set of holster with two plastic guns. He runs through the doorway of the shop and the woman behind the counter recognizes him immediately as the little boy down the street. ...

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An Irish man, Mr. Halligan, went drinking with his buddies every Friday night...

and on this particular Friday night Halligan and the boys decided to have a contest to see who could make the best drinking toast.

They went around the room saying their toasts, when finally it came to Mr. Halligan who thought he may have a winner.

"May we all spend the rest of our liv...

So a family of moles wakes up one morning to the smell of pancakes...

The father mole heads up to check things out. From the entrance to their den, the smell is a lot stronger, but being naturally skittish, he stays in the doorway. "This smells great!" he said. "It smells like pancakes and warm syrup!"

Her curiosity piqued, the mother mole joins the father in ...

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A man calls Dr Phil

"Dr. Phil, I want your opinion on a personal matter." Dr Phil says "Go ahead."
The man explains "My next door neighbor is an attractive young lady.
A few days ago, i was upstairs in my bedroom and happened to glance out the window, and I saw her sunbathing nude in her backyard. I don't kn...

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The priest and the parrot

A priest moved to a new, remote parish and was feeling lonely. To keep him company, he went to the pet store to buy a parrot. Unfortunately, parrots are quite expensive, and he couldn't afford one.

Feeling sorry for him, the store owner told him, "Well, I do have this one parrot, but it was o...

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Paratrooper Training

My cousin was on leave after basic training and came home to see all of the family. He was in basic training to become a paratrooper, just like his father and grandfather. The only problem was that he was deathly afraid of heights. Upon arrival we all gathered around to hear him tell us how it we...

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Little Timmy woke up one morning desperate to pee.

He bounded out of bed and hurtled across the landing to the main bathroom. Eager not to cause an upset, he carefully prised open the bathroom door.
In the bathroom, Timmy's sister, Lucy, was shaving her legs. Unfortunately, she caught a spot on her razor, causing a stab of pain. Blood started to ...

Drunk Husband

In the wee hours of the morning a wife is woken up by the sound of the door, signaling the return home of her husband. She lays in bed listening to the thuds of his feet slowly make their way up the stairs. They get to the doorway and stop. The wife looks up and sees her husband carrying a sheep. An...

A Church in Ireland needed a bellringer...

...for their new belltower, so they put out an advert in the local paper.

*Bellringer needed for the dawn bell. Large bell, strength needed. Apply in person at the church*

Sure enough, the next day there is a knock on the door. Father Angus answers, eager to meet the applicant.
...

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Joe moves to the country

So Joe the business guy finally had enough of the speed and stress of the city.

Selling everything he buys the most isolated place he can find. Its a small place way up in a lonely valley way in the middle of nowhere. Other then a monthly supply run he's totally alone. Joe starts to unwind.<...

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A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery (edited for cultural sensitivities)...

An arab man and a jewish man both decide to head into a bakery together, holding hands no less.

After a brief disagreement on who would hold the shop's door open for the other, they proceeded to pass through the doorway facing each other, so as to enter at the same time.

The two frie...

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A man with a goat under his arm

was standing in the doorway of the master bedroom of his home. His wife was on the bed, reading a book.
He said "This is the pig I fuck when YOU have a headache."
She looked up from her book and said " You have a goat under your arm."
He replied " I wasn't talking to you!"

Curing a nuns hiccups

A nurse is going to work, walking through the hospitals parking lot, when a nun runs past her, screaming and crying. The nurse approaches the doctor standing in the doorway and asks, "What's wrong with that nun?" "Oh," the doctors says, "I told her she was pregnant." "Oh, so she's pregnant?" "No, bu...

Santa's got lot's of things to do, you know.

Santa's placing presents under a Christmas tree when he hears a soft voice behind him, "Santa…"

He turns around and sees a gorgeous woman peeking out of a bedroom doorway.

"Come to bed, Santa"

"Ho! Ho! Ho, gotta go, got lots of things to do, you know"

She opens the door ...

A man is walking through the park with his son...

Suddenly the boy exclaims, "Dad! Dad! Look!"


And the man turns to see two dogs humping wildly.


"What are they doing?" the boy asks.


The man hesitates for a moment and says, "Ah, well son... *They're making puppies!*"


"Wow! Neat!" the boy says, rather ast...

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Little Johnny rushes home from school.

He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away Johnny! You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There’s no one to play with." Trying to ...

GovSchwarzenegger's musical talents.

One day Arnold Schwarzenegger and his two friends Bill and Tom were going for a stroll downtown.
Suddenly a man jumped out of a doorway and said "Help! We've just lost our three leads for our movie on famous European composers!"
Arnie and the boys, ever the gentlemen, decided to help the p...

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Motherfucker

Kate and Bob were having sex in their bedroom. Suddenly they hear a noise. They turn around and see little Timmy, their son, in the doorway, looking shocked. After a few seconds, Timmy turns around and runs back to his bedroom. Bob looks at his wife and says:

-I'm gonna go talk to Timmy.
<...

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Thomas is an alcoholic...

... every night after work he swings by the bar to sneak in a round or two on his way home. One night in particular he goes a bit too heavy. He realizes this when he closes his tab and gets up to leave and immediately falls on his face. After a couple failed attempts to get up, knowing that he must ...

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Kinky

A man walks into a bar and orders three shots of Jack Daniels. He downs them 1, 2, 3 and asks for three more. Stunned at this, a women sitting at the opposite end of the bar comments 'woah, slow down there tiger.' The man looks at her, feels the alcohol taking instant effect and finds her strikingl...

There Once Lived A Family of Moles on a Hill.

On morning Papa Mole woke up and walked to the entrance of the burrow. He was greeted with the most beautiful morning he had ever seen. The sunrise shone brightly and scents of spring wafted through the air.

"This is amazing!" Papa exclaimed "Ma! Come and see this! The morning's beautiful an...

A kid goes to a party...

A kid goes to party…

When he arrives, he is immediately stopped at the front door by a large group of people who, like him, are all trying to get inside. He can hear the music so he waits, thinking the party just started. Well, ten minutes go by and nothing really changes. Everyone seems to ...

So, a travelling salesman walks up to a woman's house...

The woman is in a bad mood, but answers the door anyway. Seeing that the salesman has nothing of interest to her, she shuts the door. However, the door does not shut all the way and bounces back open. She thinks that the salesman was sticking his foot in the doorway to prevent her from closing the d...

How contagious?

A middle aged father was in the bathroom one morning shaving before work, when his teenage daughter passed by the doorway, she came back a moment later and asked her father " dad I've got a very serious question for you" "ok" he replies go ahead, she then sheepishly asks, " um how contagious is herp...

A woman answers her door...

And a man is standing in the doorway. He says, "lady I'm sorry, but I think I just hit your cat." The lady replies, " oh no, I don't think so, he hardly ever gets out of the house." The man says, "well it came running out of your yard." The woman then asks, "what does it look like?" The man says, ...

Everybody was running out of the Old West town...

The Eastern dude watched in amazement as he walked to his saloon to open up for the day. He stopped a passerby to ask what was going on.

"Ain'tcha heard? Big Bad Bob's a-comin' He'll turn this town upside down and I don't wanna be here when that happens!"

The dude can't quit...

The awesome power of a wife's love

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, a...

Police dog

One evening, a deputy in the canine division was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building open. He let the dog out of his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek. Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging t...

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