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Chapel Jokes

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Nuns are painting the chapel on a hot summer day.

Nuns are performing a much-needed renovation on the chapel. Today they paint... and the AC isn't working great (that's getting fixed tomorrow). It's a sweltering hot summer day, so they decide that since they're all sisters in Christ, they'll just lock the doors and strip of their gowns and other cl...

The Sistine Chapel ceiling may not be the greatest work of art ever, but

it's definitely up there.

What is the building opposite the Sistine Chapel?

The Fifteen Chapel.

Mother Superior gathers all 100 nuns in the chapel.

"I'm afraid we have some bad news," the Mother Superior says. "It appears one of you has been sneaking out and sinning behind the chapel walls."

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.

"We know this because we found a used condom just outside the gates."

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
...

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!

After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.

The groom approache...

What do you call a chapel in a naval dockyard

A place of warship

While Michelangelo was painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel....

One day, he looked down from the scaffolding to see a solitary old woman kneeling in a pew, praying.

Since the woman could not see him, Michelangelo decided to have a little fun, and he called out, "I am Jesus Christ, hear me!"

The woman did not look up, and continued praying. So, Mic...

walmart marriage chapel

Walmart was going to put in a marriage chapel. After thinking about it they decided not to because they already had a problem with returns

A priest lived behind his chapel

...and one morning, he heard a knock on his door. The priest opens the door and finds an armless man standing there.

"How can I help you, son?" Asks the priest.

"Well sir," said the fellow, "The name's Sam, and I'm down out of luck. It's hard to get by as an armless man, and I need to ...

God spoke to me in the Sistine Chapel

Kept saying “Quiet, Quiet, No Photos Please”

Where did da Vinci visit after painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel?

Mostly the chiropractor's office

Donald Trump was admiring the Sistine chapel

Trump : this is the bestest painting I’ve ever seen

Docent : yes indeed Mr. President , it was painted by Michaelangelo ..

Trump : I know the fake news media makes me look like an idiot but I’m not foolish to believe that it was painted by a freaking turtle

What's the difference between a nun in a Chapel and a nun in the bath?

One has a soul full of hope, the other has a hole full of soap

I just saw someone had set up a little wedding chapel in their front yard.

It had a tasteful little altar, a lattice arch covered in white roses, the whole deal. The only thing I didn't understand was a vertical length of 2x4 lumber, placed in a hole in the ground so it stuck three feet high. Just then, I noticed someone who lived there open the front door and start wal...

If someone was shot in a chapel...

...would that count as a mass shooting?

Why did the stoner go to the chapel?

To marry Jane

a joke i thought of today, hope you enjoy

What's the most dangerous part of any church/chapel?
Pew! Pew! Pew!

You can say what you will about Cis Teens

But they can sure make a nice chapel

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Mary comes home to tell her father she is a prostitute

A staunch catholic - he is outraged.

Father: "How can you do this to your mother and I! After how we raised you, took you to chapel and taught you to live by the ways of the Lord! What in heavens name will the rest of the family think of you? Think of us!?

No, I won't have it, you'l...

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice."After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride ...

The Funeral

All the guests are gathered at old Tom’s funeral. The eulogy has been read, and the officiant asks if any of the guests would like to say anything.

After what seemed to be an eternity of silence, a lone hand raises at the back of the chapel. It’s Tom’s best buddy, Bill. The officiant signals...

The Wrong Suits

Mr. Smith and Mr. Jones died on the same day. No problem for the mortuary, they had two chapels and could do two funerals at the same time.

Mrs. Smith wanted her husband buried in his gray suit, Mrs Jones wanted her husband buried in his blue pinstripe suit. Shortly before the services t...

Whenever the wife and I fight I sit down and watch my wedding video in reverse

I take the wedding band off her finger, hand her back to her dad and walk out of the chapel with my best mate

A ship discovers a lost island in the South Pacific

To their surprise, the ship's company find the remains of a shipwreck there, a couple of decades old, and a single survivor, a Welsh mariner who has busied himself building an exact replica of a Welsh village, complete with a town hall, a pub, a rugby pitch, and two chapels.

"...Two chapels?"...

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3 Nuns [Long]

Three nuns were kicking around the convent one day, doing nun things such as praising the lord and disapproving of pop music when one nun said

"RIGHT. I'm sick of being a nun, I want to quit" the other two nuns agreed, being a nun is rubbish, and skipped off singing to Mother Superiors offic...

Did you know , Vatican gives a special place of work to pope's dentist

It's called The Listerine Chapel

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Bet

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation. “Father!” she cried, “just WAIT until you hear this!”

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, “Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited...

It was my dad’s funeral last week.

We all walk into the chapel and there’s a huge floral arrangement on the coffin that says: “81.131.11.216”
My mother hisses to me, “What is *that*?”
I shrugged. “What you asked for: our IP in flowers.”

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Nuns are renovating their monastery.

Sister Anne and Sister Margateth were assigned to paint the inner halls of the chapel.

Sister Anne: "Dear sister, shouldn't we take off our clothes so they won't catch any paint?"

Sister Margareth: "This is a good idea. Since we are sisters, the Lord shouldn't mind us seeing each other...

Back in the 1960s there lived an Italian mobster…

He was known throughout New York City as “L’incubo”(the nightmare), as he would commit the most heinous of crimes, but only at night. The police have searched every single day for him, but to no avail.

Rapidly losing hope, five policemen stopped to pray at a nearby church during their break. ...

Two of my married (to each other) geeky friends enjoy couples-themed cosplay.

Every convention I see them in different outfits. One year it was Doctor McCoy and Nurse Chapel. The next they went as Luke and Leia. Then they went as the 4th Doctor and Sarah Jane Smith.

Well, the lady had a baby after that. The next time I saw them, He was dressed up as Number 6 Patr...

There once lived a Mr. Wrong

Since he was a wee lad, Mr. Wrong had it tough. He was a bright, brilliant young boy, but to his mother he would never be enough. Worse still, she'd make all sorts of outlandish statements to rub it into him that he would never amount to anything.

Mr. Wrong was tenacious though, as he'd delib...

First Day in the Monastery

A young man joined an order of Benedictine monks. On his first day, the aged Abbott takes him on a tour of the monastery. The young novice is shown to the cells where the monks sleep, the chapel where the monks pray, the mess hall where they eat. Finally, the Abbott takes the new recruit to see t...

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I was talking to my uncle about his high school years…

He said when he started high school he was the biggest trouble maker in the school. He cut classes, got in fights, smoked in the bathroom, etc etc. Said he spent half his freshmen year sitting outside the principal’s office.

Eventually he got expelled and his parents had no choice but to sen...

Where do Tumblr users go to pray?

The Cis-Teen Chapel

A man is dying. He goes to his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer.

Terrified he won't have any money in the afterlife, he leaves each of them $10,000 in cash on the solemn promise they'll put the money in his coffin when he dies.

Afterward, the priest, the doctor and the lawyer wind up in the same limo together.

After an awkward silence, the priest sa...

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Four nuns about to take their vows..

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.

Dressed in their white gowns, they entered the chapel for their symbolic marriage to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews came in and sat in the front row.

The Mother ...

They are serious!

A boy is getting all Ds and Fs in math so his parents send him to Catholic school. On his first report card, his parents are shocked to see their son getting straight As. When his parents ask him why, he says, “Well, when I went into the chapel and saw that guy nailed to a plus sign, I knew they wer...

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So when I was an altar boy when I was a kid...

...and its not all that you'd think it would be. Contrary to popular belief, an aletrboy's true purpose is to put up with the priests shit, and to pick up the slack when he drops the ball. Anyway, one day I was sweeping the chapel floor when i heard somebody whisper my name. I looked around and saw ...

There are 101 nuns on a bus....

They are all going on a trip. The head Mother Superior stand up and faces all the nuns. She says

"There seem to a problem going on in our church"

99 nuns gasp and one snickers.

She then hold up a condom and says
"I had found this in our chapel"

99 nuns g...

One Sunday a military chaplain was giving a sermon on service members misuse of the word “hell” in every day life.

With fire and brimstone vigor he expostulated on the absurdity of expressions such as: “What the hell do you want?” “Get the hell over here!” “Where the hell have you been?!” and many others.

As always he greeted his parishioners as they exited the chapel and sure enough, a crusty old Mari...

A Military General Joking About Marines

This happened earlier today at a patriotic chapel service (could be the joke in itself)

Marine: \*walks into store in full uniform\* Hello, I'd like to purchase that TV set.

Employee: We are sorry sir, but I won't sell that to a marine.

Marine: This is outrageous and unfair. I w...

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A Redneck Wedding

Some time ago when I was hitchhiking through the deep South, a fella who gave me a ride invited me to a redneck wedding. Now this was a proper wedding, two days of tractor pulls, shooting shit and falling down drunk off moonshine, before we were finally assembled in the chapel for the big ceremony o...

There's this newcomer to a small Southern town.

His first Sunday there, he walks into town, excited to praise the Lord in his new church with his new neighbors.

But glowering faces step out from the darkness behind the open doors before he even makes it up the stairs. The congregation tells him he has to go to "his" church, which is on the...

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ...

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Two men are sat waiting for a bus in Wales.

The older one turns to the younger one and says "Do you see those old mines down there in the valley? Twenty years I spent down there, man and boy, quarrying the coal out of the rock. Without me none of the houses up there would have had coal for the winter. And do they call me Dewey the Coal Miner?...

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There was a young couple very much in love...

There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter.
After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "S...

A Catholic Mexican couple decide to mix it up a bit.

They'd been engaged for a year and instead of getting married in their village they decided to have a spontaneous marriage in Las Vegas. So they flew there one night, found a cute little chapel and said their vows. As they were leaving a man walks up to them. He said "we like to offer newly wed coup...

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New Priest

A priest is just about to retire when he meets the priest replacing him, the new priests asks what he should do when taking confessions, as this will be his first day. The former priest gives him a handbook and tells him to use this for the first month or so.

The new priest enters the confess...

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The Monk

Hoping to find some meaning in his life, a young man joined a monastery. The monks were required to take a vow of silence; they could only say two words every ten years.

The young man took his vows, and spent his days tilling the garden, baking unleavened bread, and saying silent prayers in ...

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Love at first sight

A guy and woman were sitting in a bar, their eyes met from across the room and it was love at first sight. They stood up together and approached each other. After a few drinks the man said "I know this is crazy but lets get married". The woman responded with "It is crazy but i was thinking the exact...

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8 Life Lessons — NOT OC

I'll credit this as last posted by u/NinjaNoob99.

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*SHOWER:*

A woman gets out of the shower just as her husband is going to his room. Hearing a knock on the front door, she wraps herself in her bathrobe before stepping outside. She sees her neighbor, who says "I'll give you...

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Uncle Fritz

Jim and Joanne were finally going to tie the knot. They planned everything out, reserved the chapel and the reception hall, and wrote out their guest list. As they were finalizing the seating chart, Jim looked at Joanne and said, "Honey, I know you aren't going to like this, but we are going to have...

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