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Headstone Jokes

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelle...

I once saw a headstone that read "here lies a politician and an honest man."

I wonder how they fit two people in one casket.

Headstone Designer: I'm going to use Comic Sans on your headstone.

Client: Over my dead body!

Headstone Designer: Yes

I think I've discovered the headstone of the world's oldest man!

Apparently he lives to 194, and was called Miles - from London!

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A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he saw a man kneeling behind a headstone.

‘Morning’ the walker shouted. ‘No, just having a shit’ the man replied.

I had a headstone made for the bong I broke last night.

I had it engraved Bong RIP.

"Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?"

"I don't think so, son. Why do you ask?"

"Because that headstone over there says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

What do you call a typo on a headstone?

A grave mistake.

An elderly couple were arranging their funeral and deciding on what words to put on their headstones

Husband suggests "Here lies Beryl, silent at last"

Wife suggests "Here lies Barry, stiff at last"

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Our workmate Paddy died last week, so we had a special headstone made for him.

PADDY O'SPARKS.

Amateur Electrician.

Green To Earth.

Brown To Live.

Blue To Fucking Bits.

REST IN PIECES...

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I was walking through the cemetery today when I saw this woman crouching by a headstone. "Morning." I said...

She said, "No, taking a shit."

I want my headstone to read "He died doing what he loved"

Absolutely nothing

TIFU by placing flowers on the wrong headstone in the cemetery

It was a grave mistake

There was a man named Odd.

There was a man whose name was Odd. He wasn't sure why his parents had given him that name but it had caused him problems all his life and he never liked it. As he grew older he grew to like his name even less and one day he was sitting talking with his wife and said "Honey you know that I have neve...

There was a man once who was named "Odd"

He hated his name because he was bullied due to his name in School. His whole life he had to endure people making fun out of him. When he was old and on his death bed, he told his children that his headstone should not have his name and should be blank. After he died, his children fulfilled his wish...

This just in (Royal funeral update)

The royal family are apparently deciding between a flat headstone or a Phillips headstone. Ok I'll show myself out.

A man and his wife are walking past the graveyard…

A man and his wife are walking past the graveyard, and notice there’s a new headstone, which says:

HERE LIES ALAN SHEWSTER
A GOOD MAN
AND A GOOD LAWYER

The wife turns to her husband and, shaking her head disapprovingly, remarks “shameful, just shameful…”

“What do you mean?...

A man's car breaks down in the middle of the night. He knows the area well and realizes that the quickest way to the nearest service station is through an old graveyard...

He's walking along the headstones when in the distance he hears a faint tapping noise. As he gets deeper into the graveyard, the eerie tapping gets louder and louder. He very anxiously turns a corner and sees the source of the tapping is an old man with a hammer and chisel, hunched over a headstone....

Ludwig van Beethoven

A music scholar was touring through a graveyard in Vienna when he heard music coming out of a grave. On inspection, he found the headstone as Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. The music was the Ninth Symphony being played backwards. He soon rang up a friend who came in time to hear the Seventh Sympho...

I just came up with this, this community can always use fresh/not reposted material.

I accidentally knocked over a headstone while walking through a cemetery.

I’ve made a grave mistake.

Two men were walking home after a party

Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a
shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of
the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming
from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man
with a hammer and chise...

Girls night out

Two young married women were having a girls night out on the town. Walking home from the bar they both realized they needed to pee. They saw a cemetary across the street and decided to go behind the headstones. Having nothing to wipe with, the first girl takes off her panties, wipes, then tosses the...

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Ninety-five year old virgin

Ninety-five year old Caroline died a virgin. Her last request stated that her headstone should read: "Here lies Caroline, born a virgin, died a virgin" The stone-cutter had a busy day, and made a shorter version, reading: "Caroline, returned unopened"

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827."

Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the prev...

Took a short cut through the cemetery last week

I saw four pall bearers with a coffin on their shoulder walking along a row of headstones. Didn't take much notice and carried on. An hour later on my way back I took the short cut again and they were still there, walking up and down.

I thought to myself, those men have lost the plot.

Bernie Madoff died today...

Heard his headstone is going to be a giant pyramid.

A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'" "Yeah?!" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

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COWBOY'S TOMB STONE

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are below.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, coo...

An elderly couple are making their funeral arrangements.

They get to choose what is engraved on each other's headstones.
Husband says, "Here lies Karen. Quiet at last"
Wife says, "Here lies Kevin, stiff at last"

My dad finally got a job, and he has over a 1,000 people under him.

He’s cleaning headstones at the cemetery.

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A woman lying on her death bed wanted all to know she was a virgin....

She asked that her headstone would forever read:
'Born a virgin, lived a virgin and died a virgin'.

When the stonemason was making her headstone, he ran out of space so just carved:
'Returned unopened'.

Bob’s brother died so he went to the funeral director to make arrangements. She said, “To customize the experience please tell me what your brother enjoyed in life.” Bob said, “He liked getting BJ’s and smoking weed.”

The funeral director said, “Well . . . I guess a headstone would be appropriate.”

A Yorkshire man's beloved wife passed away.

He went to the headstone maker to sort out the stone for her grave. Being a devout man, he decided the inscription should read 'She was thine'. The stonemason told him to return a week later.
A week later the man returns to inspect the stone. The proud stonemason wheeled it out in a trolley. It ...

I thought my wife would be really happy with the big rock I bought her for our 20 year anniversary...

But no such luck... she just stood there and started screaming when I showed her the headstone with her name on it..

A man is walking through a cemetery

when he sees a headstone that reads, "Here lies John, an honest man and a lawyer."

"How about that," he thinks. "Three men buried in one grave!"

Two special needs kids..

one has a humpback and the other has a gimpy leg. One day at school they get in trouble and have to stay for detention. It's getting pretty late so the kid with the humpback says "I'm gonna cut through the cemetery to get home quicker."
The kid with the gimpy leg was too scared so he went the lo...

A graveyard guard was taking a walk outside of the walls.

Suddenly, he hears the sound of something chiseling rock, he thinks its just his imagination and continues walking.

5 minutes later he hears it again, this time closer, but it quickly stops, so he moves on.

5 minutes later, he hears it again, just on the other side of the wall he is ne...

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An old lady was on her death bed

She asked her sister to bring the best sculptor in town, and asked him to carve a headstone for her grave, in beautiful lettering, reading “Born Virgin, Lived Virgin, Died Virgin”.

The artist promises her, but after her death he finds out her sister wants to pay just $ 250 for the work. He a...

I've got another example of the importance of Oxford commas:

I passed a headstone the other day which read, "Here lies Tyler Goetz, a lawyer and a good man."

 

I just can't believe the three of them agreed on such ambiguous syntax.

A guy goes to the cemetery with his kids

As he is about to move a headstone, nearby passer-by asks him politely what is he doing. To that he responds "I'm just dropping off the kids at Grandma's"

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Two women friends went for a girl's night out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails...

Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.

They were near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them...

A groundskeeper was walking through a graveyard

A groundskeeper was walking through a graveyard when he heard someone sobbing. He turned down a row of headstones to see a man kneeling in front of a grave and wailing.

"How could you do this to me?! ?" He cried. "I can't eat, I can't sleep, every second is agony! Why didn't you say anythin...

An older man was getting sicker and sicker as time went by...

The man never took it seriously at first, he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age.

After a few weeks, the man has developed an incredible frequent and annoying cough.
His wife is annoyed and is constantly telling him to go the doctor, but the man kept refusing.

O...

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A woman prays in the graveyard..

Every single week she kneels before the headstone. When she is finished, she stands up and slowly walks backwards all the way out of the cemetery.

One day a lady stops her to ask why she doesn't turn around and walk normally.

She replies,

"My husband is laid to rest here. He a...

Odd

A mother and father named their child "Odd". And because of his unfortunate name, poor Odd had the worst life you could imagine.
In school, he was always picked on and had trouble making friends. In college he never fit in and struggled to gain the respect of his peers. In life he drifted from jo...

A cemetery superintendent was hoping to approve newly donated lands for internment

The Holy Cross Cemetery had received a surprise donation that would double the real estate of their current holdings, which were already overcrowded.

The lead undertaker, Arthur Falconer, was tasked by the superintendent with surveying the new land to plan how to layout the new headstones....

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Hippy and the bus driver

So a hippy gets on a bus and sees a beautiful nun sitting there. He tries to talk to her but she refuses saying she has devoted her life to god only.

The nun gets off at the next stop and the hippy decides he wants to have sex with her. The bus driver, seeing the hippy perving on the nun, wa...

It was the mid-1820’s when Phillip and his brother Terrance decided that they wanted to better their lives.

So the two brothers packed a wagon with everything they owned and started out from their small home in Missouri. The trail to Oregon was very tough and the relationship between the brothers was already stressed at best.

Phillip, being the older brother, was constantly very critical of his you...

Paddy and Micky in a bar..

Paddy is a hunchback. Micky walks with a limp. They both have too much to drink and are discussing how their wives are going to kill them for going home late.

"I know a shortcut home through the graveyard!" declares Paddy.

"No way!" says Micky, "I've heard strange stories about that gr...

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