On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday

He buried someone in the wrong hole.

It was a grave mistake.

Two people were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"...

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I was wandering through the cemetery earlier today when I saw a guy kneeling behind a gravestone

Trying to be polite, I said “Morning.”

To which he replied “Nope just taking a shit.”

I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery

3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them “I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.”

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Two drunk girls stop to pee in a cemetery

Two drunk girls stopped to pee in a cemetery after a long night out drinking and partying.

The first girl squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn't have anything to wipe with, so she takes her panties off and wipes herself, and throws them away.

The secon...

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An old woman wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.

As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy."

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

Man walks by the cemetery...

A fellow was strolling by the cemetery one day and glancing over the fence noticed a Gent down on his knees at a gravesite sobbing and pounding his fists on the stone and sobbing....."Why did you have to die?, why, oh why did you have to die?"

The sight of this fellow in such misery re...

Why do they put fences around a cemetery?

Because people are dying to get in there.

They tried to hide the yard sale at the cemetery but failed miserably

It was a dead giveaway

Out walking last night decided to take short cut through a Cemetery when 3 young girls came towards me and said they were petrified walking through the grave yard and asked if they could walk along side me so I said yes...

As we were walking I said don't worry I understand I used to be petrified walking through here when I was alive.
Never seen anybody run so fast.

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Sy...

I recently attended a funeral where the casket was driven to the cemetery on a practice run before the ceremony and procession.

It was a rehearsal.

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I was walking my dog through the local cemetery early one morning

When I saw a man crouching down by a grave stone.

"Morning!" I yelled towards him.

He looked up and yelled back "nope, just having a shit!"

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During a beautiful sunrise a man was walking his dog through a cemetery

He came across a man crouched behind a gravestone.

"Morning" he said.

The crouching man replied "Oh no, just having a shit"

A man with a hunchback was walking trough the cemetery.

A ghost spooks him with a question.
- What is that on your back ? the ghost asks.
- Its a hunchback ! the man replies.
- Can i have it ? asks the ghost.
- Shure !!! and the trade is done.
Mindblown,the man goes to his wimp-leg friend and tell him the story.As soon as he finishes tell...

Have you heard about the new cemetery?

I've heard it's the dead center of town

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I was walking through the cemetery early one day

I seen the top of a head peeking above a tombstone. "Morning" I said, he replied "no just taking a shit."

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What is the worst thing about sex in a cemetery?

All the damn digging.

A man saw an epitaph in a cemetery which read: 'Here lies an honest man and politician.'

'Shame,' he cried, 'two people in the same grave!'

A two-seater plane crashed in a cemetery in Lahore

Pakistani police has so far discovered 25 bodies

Every time I walk through the cemetery I text my x.

Wish you were here.

At my job, I have 500 people under me.

I'm a security guard at a cemetery.

I was walking the dog through the village cemetery earlier today...

...this nosey old woman heading the other way says "Mourning?" as we approached one another.

"No..." I answered curtly. "...I'm just walking my dog."

Honestly- I wish people would learn to mind their own business.

Ireland has had its worst ever air disaster. A small 4-seater plane has crashed into a cemetery...

So far, rescue workers have retrieved 432 bodies, but expect the number to rise as digging continues through the night...

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I made my front yard into a cemetery for Halloween... then my neighbor put a fog breathing dragon on his roof.

I told him if he wanted a dick measuring contest he could have asked his wife.

A cemetery caretaker forgot to lock the gates before ending his night shift.

It was a grave mistake.

Did you hear about the tornado that tore through a cemetery?

Hundreds turned up dead!

A Mans walking in a cemetery and he hears this noise...

It sounded like someone was using a eraser. He walks towards a grave and it gets louder. So he digs up the casket and sees Mozart Erasing all of his music,and the man says "Mozart what are you doing!" Then Mozart says "I'm decomposing"

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor...

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up.

A few minutes later, a drunkard on his w...

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A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso, when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one...

Behind the second hearse, was a solitary Italian man, walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am...

A cemetery superintendent was hoping to approve newly donated lands for internment

The Holy Cross Cemetery had received a surprise donation that would double the real estate of their current holdings, which were already overcrowded.

The lead undertaker, Arthur Falconer, was tasked by the superintendent with surveying the new land to plan how to layout the new headstones....

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A Gargoyle, A Jinn, and A Dark Shaman are hanging out in a cemetery...

A gargoyle a jinn and a dark shaman are hanging out in a cemetery, close to midnight.

The shaman turns to the jinn and says,
"I bet my soul against your eternal servitude, that I can raise more corpses freshly dead within the past 10 years, than you can steal the souls of the living by gra...

Driving past a cemetery:

dad: "did you know that all the people who live around here aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?"

me: "really? why not?"

dad: "because they're not dead yet."

I was about to make a joke about an overcrowded cemetery...

But there was no plot.

My dad and i were driving past a cemetery

When suddenly my dad said in a serious toned voice

"I know something you don't know about this place.The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried in here"

And i was really confused so i asked why and he said

"Because they are still alive."

Original: tumblr u...

I just passed what looked like a cemetery

...but it think it was really an underground club.

My uncle works in a cemetery

He says he'll be the last person yo let you down.

The state just called to tell me they buried my grandpa in the wrong cemetery

I guess you could say it was a grave mistake

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My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

About to go to Arlington National Cemetery with my family

Me: “Arlington - our nations most hallowed ground”
Dad: “actually I think the Grand Canyon is our nations most hallowed ground”
Me: “the ultimate dad joke - happy Father’s Day haha”

The incident at the Cemetery.

It was summer. Jake went on a stroll. Soon he arrived at a cemetery. There, he saw a woman, sitting on a grave.

He asked, "Sitting on someone's grave, alone in the cemetery, aren't you scared?".

Woman, " Scared? Of what? It gets hot inside, so I just got out for air."

A guy goes to the cemetery with his kids

As he is about to move a headstone, nearby passer-by asks him politely what is he doing. To that he responds "I'm just dropping off the kids at Grandma's"

How to start a fight

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

Why is there no cell service in the cemetery?

Beacuse its a dead-zone

A plane carrying 100 people crashes into a cemetery in Poland...

500 bodies were recovered

Hear about that helicopter that crashed into a Newfoundland cemetery?

So far they've recovered over 80 bodies.

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A wizard is walking through a cemetery one day. . .

A wizard is walking through a cemetery one day, and after paying his respects to an old friend he walks past two grave markers that each had a statue of the person buried in the grave. Both statues looked across a wide space toward each other with sadness and longing. The wizard read the epitaphs to...

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Working at a cemetery is great

You can have sex whenever you want!

What's the difference between a cemetery and a golf course?

There's only 18 holes in a golf course.

I thought of this but maybe it's already a thing.
Edit: spelling

The local cemetery is running out of room.

It's a grave problem.

Why did the ghoul take his ghoulfriend to the cemetery?

He wanted to do a graveyard-smash!

A caretaker at a cemetery sees a woman crying over a grave...

"I'm sorry for your loss ma'am, was that your husband?"
"Yes. He died eating a poison mushroom"

The next day the caretaker sees the same woman crying over a different grave.
"Ma'am I'm so sorry. Who was he?"
"This was my second husband. He also died eating a poison mushroom"

T...

I saw six men carrying a coffin in the cemetery. Two hours later they were still carrying the coffin around the cemetery

I thought to myself "They've lost the plot"

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Two widows go to the cemetery everyday...

... One of them spends all her time crying by the grave of her late husband. The other one just stands on the gravestone of her respective husband and urinates all over it.
So, the first one found the behaviour of the second one weird, went to her and asked:
"Did you hate him that much that y...

My collection of cemetery jokes

Say them as fast as possible whenever passing a cemetery.

How many people are dead in the cemetery?
All of them.

Why is the cemetery so popular?
People are dying to get in it.

Why is the cemetery so loud?
All the coffin.

Take them with you, share them, enjoy them...

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A man goes for a walk in a cemetery after his friend's funeral

Feeling quite sad, a man goes for a walk in a cemetery after his friend's funeral. As he walked between the tombstones he came across an open grave. He walked right up to the edge to see that there was still a coffin inside. What an odd sight he thought to himself - suddenly he heard a thump, follow...

Two peasants turned vampire hunters entered the local cemetery....

...Looking for the dreaded vampire that threatened their homes. As they searched among the tombstones, they found one covered in blood, black as night and decorated with a bat motif. As night fell, they begun excavating it, getting to the coffin just as the last rays of the sun began to disappear. T...

A man is walking through a cemetery

when he sees a headstone that reads, "Here lies John, an honest man and a lawyer."

"How about that," he thinks. "Three men buried in one grave!"

A little boy and his father are walking in a cemetery

...and come across a gravestone that reads "here lies a lawyer and a good man"

The boy asks his father "Dad, why did they bury 2 men in 1 grave?"

Last night, a two-seat, single engine plane crashed in a Polish cemetery.

Polish authorities report that they have recovered five hundred bodies so far and believe thousands more may still be found.

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one night, 2 necrophiliacs go to a cemetery...

they start digging up graves and pulling bodies out of caskets. They eventually have 12 bodies plus parts of several others. Then they go to town. They start fucking skulls, tearing holes into stomachs and fucking those. One guy rips a dick off of a corpse and sucks on it for a while. This horr...

BREAKING: Helicopter crash in a New Jersey cemetery

300 dead bodies recovered so far

A man in a cemetery sees a couple laughing over the tomb of a famous boxer

A bit taken back by the inappropriateness, the man approaches the couple who point to the boxer's epitaph:

"You can stop counting, I'm not getting up"

What happened to the cemetery after the inventor of Tetris was buried?

It disappeared

Breaking news: A helicopter has crash landed into a cemetery in Ireland

The pilots didn't survive, and so far local police have recovered 956 bodies.

You can't get good signal reception at a cemetery

It's a dead spot.

Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Two men walking in a cemetery find a gravestone

Two men walking in a cemetery find a recent gravestone , so they read it:

-"Here lies an honest man and a competent lawyer"

So one of the guys turn to the other:

-"When did they start burying two people together?"

Cessna 172 crashes into Newfoundland cemetery.

Rescuers have recovered hundreds of dead so far.

There's a brand new cemetery in town

Everybody is dying to get in

A two person plane crashes into a cemetery.

Police have released a statement saying that its the worse tragedy they have seen in years. So far they have found over 600 dead with fears of the number increasing as digging continues in the morning.

Two orphan children are on the run after stealing a big basket of tangerines from the store

They run into the cemetery to hide, but drop two at the gate
Child 1: It's fine! We have plenty more in the basket. Hurry! We must hide!


They find a bush to take cover and begin counting out the tangerines...
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"


They...

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An inexperienced preacher was to hold a graveside burial service at a pauper's cemetery

for an indigent man
with no family or friends. Not knowing where the
cemetery was, he made several wrong turns and got
lost. When he eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse
was nowhere in sight, the backhoe was next to the open
hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eatin...

Cemetery joke

Man walks into a cemetery- "You have any openings?" The graves keeper nods "Lots!"

I thought about opening up a cemetery...

but it seems like it would be a large undertaking.

My dad finally got a job, and he has over a 1,000 people under him.

He’s cleaning headstones at the cemetery.

A plane crushed on top of a cemetery

In the evening news:
So far they found 255 body... but they continue the digging.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.

As I was standing there, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, “They’ve lost the plot.”

Cemetery help.

My wife & I recently bought a house. To get pretty much anywhere, the main road from our neighborhood goes through a giant cemetery.

Now, a week before we bought the house, - on Thanksgiving morning - my wife gave birth to our first child - a boy (side note, I wouldn't recommend having a...

A small plane crashed into a cemetery...

the forensics found no survivors. They have found 268 bodies by sunset. They will continue searching tomorrow morning...

The other day I took my grandad to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.

It was way cheaper than having him buried in the cemetery.

Why did the man quit working at the cemetery?

It was hard to make a living.

You know that cemetery?

It's the dead center of town.

I hear people are dying to get in there.

I worked at a cemetery once. It was a dead end job.

I worked with a bunch of dead beats.

However, I did have a lot of people under me.

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Two women go out to a bar and get hammered...

On the walk home, they both have to pee.

One woman pees in her pants, and throws away her panties. The other goes into the cemetery they were walking by and pees near a tombstone, using a wreath placed on the stone to clean up before going home.

The next morning, their husbands talk ...