UPJOKE
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Two drunk girls stop to pee in a cemetery

Two drunk girls stopped to pee in a cemetery after a long night out drinking and partying.

The first girl squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn't have anything to wipe with, so she takes her panties off and wipes herself, and throws them away.

The secon...

Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday

He buried someone in the wrong hole.

It was a grave mistake.

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery

3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them “I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.”

One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.



“Holy cow, dude,” one says after catching his breath. “You scared...

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What is the worst thing about sex in a cemetery?

All the damn digging.

Has anyone heard about the cemetery for alcoholics?

It's haunted by spirits.

A girl is walking through a cemetery at night

She’s a little nervous because it’s dark, but it’s the shortest way to get to her home.

Suddenly she hears a distinct tapping noise from the graves on her left. Her heart almost stops as she pauses mid-step. She hears it again - tap, tap, tap.

She screams and starts running down the ...

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Sy...

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I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."

He replied, "No, just having a shit."

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

One rainy, windy night, a man was walking home alone, down a dark, deserted street that ran right by the local cemetery.

As he passed the gates, he heard a bump in the darkness behind him. Not daring to look back, he quickened his pace. But, the bumping noise continued behind him.He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side -

...

As we were leaving the cemetery we saw a man kneeling at a grave site.

He was crying and saying "Why did you have to die?" over and over. We decided to see if we could help out in some way, so I asked him if this was the grave of a close friend or of a family member?

He said "Neither, it's my wife's first husband."

I saw a grave sweeper at the cemetery and asked him if the place was haunted.

He said no, he hadn't seen a ghost in over 200 years.

Our local cemetery is running out of spaces ...

...It’s a grave issue

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says," Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says, "What's his name?"

Mick replies, "Miles, from London."

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My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

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2 women go out drinking and after a heavy night and a lot of alcohol, decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Whilst taking the shortcut they both have the urge to pee so they duck down behind the gravestones and pee. They realise they have nothing to wipe with, so the first woman decides to use her pants and leaves them there. The second woman was luckier, she found a bouquet of flowers and unwrapped them ...

The Russians bombed a cemetery yesterday.

There were no survivors

A man saw an epitaph in a cemetery which read: 'Here lies an honest man and politician.'

'Shame,' he cried, 'two people in the same grave''

Airplane crashed into a cemetery.

Rescuers have already pulled 10,000 dead bodies from the wreckage and are still pulling out more...

Most of the staff at the cemetery quit recently

I heard they’ve had to run the place with a skeleton crew.

I was alone at a cemetery when I heard a weird noise

Someone was coffin.

What do they call a cemetery where it’s a mix of different religions and creeds

A melting plot

Why are there fences around cemetery’s

Because everyone is dying to get in

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelle...

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

I had a job at the cemetery, but I got fired...

Apparently, my grave mistakes were dead giveaways.

What do you call a dead plant in the cemetery?

The dearly de-potted.

(Heard from an Irish tour guide:) "The fella that invented the crossword is buried in that cemetery over there."

"If you want to find his grave, it's four down and seven across."

In my town there’s a Journey Church, a Journey Dog Pound & a Journey Cemetery

And they all share the same tagline.

We Have a Spot for You

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I was passing the cemetery.

I saw four men carrying a coffin round and round,

3 hours later I saw the same men with the same coffin.

I thought to myself, they've lost the fucking plot.

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It was early morning and whilst walking through the cemetery ….

I passed by an elderly gentleman crouched beside a grave. “Morning” I said, “No, just having a shit” he replied

(Sorry if this is a repost, the joke just popped into my head)

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour.

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

A few minutes lat...

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A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.

Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell he...

The best part about living next to a cemetery is...

all your neighbors are quiet.

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A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso, when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one...

Behind the second hearse, was a solitary Italian man, walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am...

A man comes to work at a cemetery. Two weeks pass, he comes to tbe boss and hands in his resignation.

\- What's the problem, Pete? - asks the boss. - Are the benefits bad, the salary? Are you afraid, maybe?

\- No, it's not that, Chief, - the man explains. - It's just... I can't take it anymore. I'm walking around the cemetery, and I see a writing on a tombstone: *Here sleeps*. Then, a few ste...

A guy visiting a cemetery notices a woman hunched down behind a grave.

"Morning", he says respectfully.

"I'm not," she replies, "I'm just having a pee."

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A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dr...

Policeman interrupts young couple parked in cemetery

He shines his flashlight in the faces of the embarrassed couple and asks "Didn't you see the sign that says the cemetery is closed after sunset?"

The young man replies "No officer, we drove in the other entrance that has the sign that says "Get lots while you're young."

An airplane crashes onto an old cemetery

The police reports over 3.500 dead people

Did you hear about the cemetery maintenance man who fell ill on the job?

He's in grave condition

I hate to brag but my cemetery is the most popular one in my entire county.

People are literally dying to get into it.

Late one night, Jack takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Hearing a tapping sound he becomes scared and quickens his pace. The tapping gets louder and Jack is now scared out of his
wits. Then he notices a man chiselling
a tombstone. "Thank goodness!" Jack says to the man. "You gave me a fright of my life. Why are you working so
late?"
"They spe...

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It was a dark night in the cemetery..

..and Eric had, unwisely, elected to take a short cut. The leaves rustled in the trees, the shadows appeared to move around him, and then.. and then.. tap, tap, tap. Eric started to walk faster but the tapping was only getting louder. Eric grew scared, really scared, until he rounded a big old grave...

Did you hear about the man who invested in a rodent cemetery?

He lost money because of the diminishing rat urns.

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What happens when a necrophile enters a cemetery?

It becomes a sementery

I'm so sorry

Would you say that a cemetery in Moscow…

Is full of communist plots?

A men was living in front of a cemetery

He died and started living in front of his house

I Went To a Cemetery Today

With my grandparents. I have been before, and there are such beautiful flowers planted and some pretty hiking trails that go behind the cemetery. I was telling my grandparents about it, and my grandmother said in the most excited tone “I’m just dying to get in there!”

Last October, I was walking through the cemetery.

I came across a trash can where someone had thrown out their Kraft Halloween monster themed mac and cheese...

It was the mac.

It was the monster mac.

the monster mac

was in the graveyard trash.



Thanks mom for this more obscure one

Freaked out when I got to the cemetery

and the GPS said “you have reached your final destination.”

A distressed man is in the cemetery

crying his eyes out and beating a tombstone while shouting "Why did you have to die! Why did you have to die!"

A nearby man comes up to him and asks him "I'm very sorry, was she your wife?"

The distressed man looks up at him and responds "it was her first husband".

What did the cemetery worker say when he realized he buried a body in the wrong place?

I've made a grave mistake.

What does Dr. Frankenstein call the cemetery?

Human Resources

I walked past the cemetery last night and saw three girls looking scared

So I offered to walk with them for a bit. They were embarrassed but I said hey that's normal, who wouldn't be scared, walking by a cemetery in the dark. They nodded, laughing nervously. I said I used to be like that when I was still alive...
I've never seen three girls run so fast.

I was lost walking through a cemetery when I came upon a grave that looked familiar. I put my flowers on it and went to walk away.

A nearby man called out “Hey! That’s my grandmothers grave! Your Grandma’s is a few over!”
Startled and embarrassed I answered back “Sorry! I’ve made a grave mistake!”

I was mourning one of my friend in cemetery

and when leaving, I noticed a guy kneeling to a tombstone beside, he was extremely sorrowful, I’ve never seen a guy could cry like that.

I took a glance at him, but he didn’t noticed, he just kept repeating, “Why did you die? Why did you die?”

So, I walked to him, and said, “Sorr...

Two wives ho out for girls' night.

Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says

"No more girls' night out. My wife came back wit...

A father walks up to another father in a cemetery

Father 1 says: Why are you here

Father 2 says: My son died in a car crash trying to sneak out of the house to go to a party

Father 1 says: I can see why you grounded him

Took a short cut through the cemetery last week

I saw four pall bearers with a coffin on their shoulder walking along a row of headstones. Didn't take much notice and carried on. An hour later on my way back I took the short cut again and they were still there, walking up and down.

I thought to myself, those men have lost the plot.

Out walking last night decided to take short cut through a Cemetery when 3 young girls came towards me and said they were petrified walking through the grave yard and asked if they could walk along side me so I said yes...

As we were walking I said don't worry I understand I used to be petrified walking through here when I was alive.
Never seen anybody run so fast.

Cemetery count

How many dead people are in a cemetery?

All of them

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Did you hear about the truckload of cocktail straws and lemon rinds that crashed in a cemetery and spilled into an open grave?

Plot twist!

A mother and her 2 daughters are at a cemetery

One of the kids is curious and asks her mom “Mommy, why am I named Rose?”

Their mom replies “Because when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your head.”

Her second daughter asks “Mommy, why am I named Daisy?”

Her mom replies “Because when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell o...

A bomb fell on the cemetery last night

Reporters say: all dead, no survivors

An Air Lingus (Ireland’s National Arline) crashed into a Dublin cemetery this morning …

So far first responders have retrieved 9,000 bodies.

On a cold and rainy night a man cuts through a cemetery.

and falls into an freshly dug, empty grave. He struggles to get out but can't climb the wet,slippery walls. He begins shouting for help but has little hope as the rain is making a thunderous noise and it is late at night. A drunk, oblivious to the weather, is wending his way through the graveyard wh...

I have to walk through a cemetery to get to work

This morning as I was walking through I saw someone crouching behind a gravestone. I said, 'Morning.' He said, 'No I'm just doing a poo.'

A man asks an undertaker "how many bodies are buried in this cemetery"?

He replies with "All of them."

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My wife wanted to have sex in a cemetery tonight.

It was a graveyard smash.

Why was Karl Marx buried at Highgate Cemetery?

Because he was dead.

My local cemetery is working to resell mine and my wife’s burial plots to a new buyer...

We’re in grave danger

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

So two boys were picking pecans out of a tree in the cemetery....

They had finally picked out all of the pecans, and began to divvy up the harvest. They sat in the branches, hidden from below. "One for you, One for me. One for you, one for me." and so on. While they were counting, they dropped two pecans, and they rolled over to the fence. After a while, a boy had...

Two earthworms met in a cemetery...

They made love in Dead Earnest.

A cemetery raises its costs and blames it on the cost of living

Indeed a grave situation

A Cemetery Worker Was Moving A Pallet of Tombstones Through The Yard.

When he turned the corner, the load shifted causing all of the Tombstones to fall and break. A bystander who didn't see what happened but heard it described it as, "the second biggest Graveyard Smash he'd ever heard."

Excavation report of a cemetery inside a castle

I’ve just been reading an excavation report of a cemetery inside a castle linked to a medieval siege. One of the burials was, from the skeletal analysis, a high status individual, but with the strange feature of having a skull embedded in the torso, this being of a lower status person. A careful rea...

A man goes to a cemetery

He asks to buy a plot for his deceased wife. The sales guy looks confused and says “but your wife died 10 years ago and is already buried here.”
The man replies that he needs a plot for his second wife, whom he married 4 years ago.
The salesman says, “Oh, I didn’t know you remarried. Congratul...

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A man goes for a walk in a cemetery after his friend's funeral

Feeling quite sad, a man goes for a walk in a cemetery after his friend's funeral. As he walked between the tombstones he came across an open grave. He walked right up to the edge to see that there was still a coffin inside. What an odd sight he thought to himself - suddenly he heard a thump, follow...

Woman walked to her office every weekday and she had to go through a cemetery.

Woman walked to her office every weekday and she had to go through a cemetery to get there.

One day she had to stay late in the office to finish some work and by the time she was ready go home it was already dark outside.

She started to walk home, and as she reached the entrance to t...

Canada's worst air disaster occurred earlier this morning when a Cessna 152 (a small two-seater plane) crashed into a cemetery in central Newfoundland.

Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 825 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Woman: They just turned the local cemetery into a golf course...

Man: Well, someone's going to be six under!

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A wizard is walking through a cemetery one day. . .

A wizard is walking through a cemetery one day, and after paying his respects to an old friend he walks past two grave markers that each had a statue of the person buried in the grave. Both statues looked across a wide space toward each other with sadness and longing. The wizard read the epitaphs to...

What did the cemetery say to the hospital?

Sorry aout the delay but thank you for your patients

When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?

Pallbears.

What is the way to the cemetery?

Go straight and take the last rite.

You should wear your mask when you go to a cemetery during this pandemic.

Cemeteries have a lot of coffin.

Happened IRL We were at the cemetery. Talking about a dead person who got cremated. My dad said: I don't want to hear about you doing this to me!

I answered: You won't...

At my new job I have 500 people under me.

I mow grass at a cemetery.

Did you hear about the tragic crash of the small plane into the cemetery?

So far they've recovered 324 bodies.

Have you heard about the new cemetery?

I've heard it's the dead center of town

When I was a kid my grandpa asked me when we drove past a cemetery “do you know how many people are dead in that cemetery?”, of course i said nope. Then he said

All of them!

I went to the cemetery today...

I knew every body there would be 6 feet away from me.

A little boy and his father are walking in a cemetery

...and come across a gravestone that reads "here lies a lawyer and a good man"

The boy asks his father "Dad, why did they bury 2 men in 1 grave?"

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A hearse was driving to the hilltop cemetery.......

......it started to climb up a steep hill out of town. The hill became steeper and the casket started to slip backwards. Just prior to the peak of the hill the casket slipped further out of its catches and fell out the back of the hearse. It started to slide back down the hill gathering sp...

How do you get into a locked cemetery?

With a skeleton key

Did you hear in the news that a 747 recently crashed in a cemetery in Poland?

The Polish officials have so far retrieved 2000 bodies.

A Mans walking in a cemetery and he hears this noise...

It sounded like someone was using a eraser. He walks towards a grave and it gets louder. So he digs up the casket and sees Mozart Erasing all of his music,and the man says "Mozart what are you doing!" Then Mozart says "I'm decomposing"

man at a cemetery

Man at a cemetery is standing in front of a grave of another man and cries:
"Whyyy did you diee? Whyyy did you dieee?"
Someone goes by and asks:
"Who is it? A friend of yours?"
"No, I didn't even met him."
"So why are you crying?"
"It was the first husband of my wife......

What do you call it when there’s an earthquake at a cemetery ?

A maraca band

A hunchbacked man was walking through the cemetery at night

Suddenly a loud voice said:

- Man, are you hunchbacked?

- Yes, I'm hunchbacked

- No man, you're not hunchbacked!!!

- No, I'm hunchbacked!

- No man, you're not hunchbacked!

A man run home, looked at the mirror, but there really was no hump.
Full of joy he ...

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I was wandering through the cemetery earlier today when I saw a guy kneeling behind a gravestone

Trying to be polite, I said “Morning.”

To which he replied “Nope just taking a shit.”

A couple sees a man sobbing on his knees at a cemetery.

The man is yelling out "why did you have to die?", "I cannot live like this!"

The couple come over to console him, and notice the tombstone is of someone of similar age as the distraught man.
"Sir, who was this?" Asks the woman, "was it your brother? Your friend?"

The man looks up...

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