My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony,...

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he pas...

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Two drunk girls stop to pee in a cemetery

Two drunk girls stopped to pee in a cemetery after a long night out drinking and partying.

The first girl squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn't have anything to wipe with, so she takes her panties off and wipes herself, and throws them away.

The secon...

Has anyone heard about the cemetery for alcoholics?

It's haunted by spirits.

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I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."

He replied, "No, just having a shit."

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

I walked past the cemetery last night and saw three girls looking scared

So I offered to walk with them for a bit. They were embarrassed but I said hey that's normal, who wouldn't be scared, walking by a cemetery in the dark. They nodded, laughing nervously. I said I used to be like that when I was still alive...
I've never seen three girls run so fast.

I hate to brag but my cemetery is the most popular one in my entire county.

People are literally dying to get into it.

Cemetery count

How many dead people are in a cemetery?

All of them

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says," Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says, "What's his name?"

Mick replies, "Miles, from London."

A man goes to a cemetery

He asks to buy a plot for his deceased wife. The sales guy looks confused and says “but your wife died 10 years ago and is already buried here.”
The man replies that he needs a plot for his second wife, whom he married 4 years ago.
The salesman says, “Oh, I didn’t know you remarried. Congratul...

Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday

He buried someone in the wrong hole.

It was a grave mistake.

A cemetery raises its costs and blames it on the cost of living

Indeed a grave situation

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Did you hear about the truckload of cocktail straws and lemon rinds that crashed in a cemetery and spilled into an open grave?

Plot twist!

Why are there fences around cemetery’s

Because everyone is dying to get in

One rainy, windy night, a man was walking home alone, down a dark, deserted street that ran right by the local cemetery.

As he passed the gates, he heard a bump in the darkness behind him. Not daring to look back, he quickened his pace. But, the bumping noise continued behind him.He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side -

...

One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, dude," one says after catching his breath. "You scared us half...

Excavation report of a cemetery inside a castle

I’ve just been reading an excavation report of a cemetery inside a castle linked to a medieval siege. One of the burials was, from the skeletal analysis, a high status individual, but with the strange feature of having a skull embedded in the torso, this being of a lower status person. A careful rea...

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.

"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.

"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.

"Then where are the other 11 kids?"

"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

A small airplane crashes into the ground in a small town, and some curious locals go to the crash site to see what happened.

Some of the locals start digging to see if there are any survivors trapped in the plane.

A few hours in, they give up the search and one of the locals goes back to his house and tells his wife what happened.

He tells his wife that there were over 1000 bodies found in the crash site, bu...

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My wife wanted to have sex in a cemetery tonight.

It was a graveyard smash.

What is the way to the cemetery?

Go straight and take the last rite.

Our local cemetery is running out of spaces ...

...It’s a grave issue

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What is the worst thing about sex in a cemetery?

All the damn digging.

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

I should have known the cemetery sale was a scam.

I mean, it was a dead giveaway.

There's a new cemetery in my town especially for people who died of obesity.

If you're looking for the address, it's 1 Pasta Way.

Why was Karl Marx buried at Highgate Cemetery?

Because he was dead.

A joke I've translated from my language that I found pretty funny:

A man is passing through a cemetery at night, as he passes through he sees a woman sitting near a grave.

Worried he goes over and asks why she's sitting next to a grave.

The woman replies: I felt hot inside so I came out.

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Two knights had known each other for several years and were very good friends.

The first knight had a very intelligent, fast and strong horse, capable of understanding human language, outspeeding landslides and staying in battle longer than anyother animal.
The second knight asked himself whether the first one would give him the horse but, instead of asking, he kept thinkin...

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A hippie enters a bus

(long)
A hippie enters a bus and sees a beautiful nun sitting. He sits next to her and says
- I would like to have sex with you
She shouts at him that she is a servant of God and she could not do that and runs out from the bus.
The bus driver who hear the conversation says to the hippie<...

When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?

Pallbears.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour.

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

A few minutes lat...

You should wear your mask when you go to a cemetery during this pandemic.

Cemeteries have a lot of coffin.

Canada's worst air disaster occurred earlier this morning when a Cessna 152 (a small two-seater plane) crashed into a cemetery in central Newfoundland.

Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 825 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

My local cemetery is working to resell mine and my wife’s burial plots to a new buyer...

We’re in grave danger

So two boys were picking pecans out of a tree in the cemetery....

They had finally picked out all of the pecans, and began to divvy up the harvest. They sat in the branches, hidden from below. "One for you, One for me. One for you, one for me." and so on. While they were counting, they dropped two pecans, and they rolled over to the fence. After a while, a boy had...

Every time I walk through the cemetery I text my x.

Wish you were here.

Did you hear in the news that a 747 recently crashed in a cemetery in Poland?

The Polish officials have so far retrieved 2000 bodies.

Woman: They just turned the local cemetery into a golf course...

Man: Well, someone's going to be six under!

Unused Christmas present.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift,The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.


She asked me: Why,?

I replied. "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

Responsible job

My father has a very responsible job. He has about 500 people under him.

He cuts grass at the local cemetery.

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Two wives have a night out

They decide to walk home, but on the way both have a desperate need to pee.
They nip into a cemetery, do the deed and realise they have nothing to wipe themselves with.
So one uses her underwear and the other grabs a wreath and uses that.
Next day there husbands are talking on the phone, vo...

When I was a kid my grandpa asked me when we drove past a cemetery “do you know how many people are dead in that cemetery?”, of course i said nope. Then he said

All of them!

Just left a cemetery where earlier I saw 4 men carrying a coffin. 3 hours later I saw the same men carrying the same coffin.

I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.

A couple sees a man sobbing on his knees at a cemetery.

The man is yelling out "why did you have to die?", "I cannot live like this!"

The couple come over to console him, and notice the tombstone is of someone of similar age as the distraught man.
"Sir, who was this?" Asks the woman, "was it your brother? Your friend?"

The man looks up...

Woman walked to her office every weekday and she had to go through a cemetery.

Woman walked to her office every weekday and she had to go through a cemetery to get there.

One day she had to stay late in the office to finish some work and by the time she was ready go home it was already dark outside.

She started to walk home, and as she reached the entrance to t...

A hunchbacked man was walking through the cemetery at night

Suddenly a loud voice said:

- Man, are you hunchbacked?

- Yes, I'm hunchbacked

- No man, you're not hunchbacked!!!

- No, I'm hunchbacked!

- No man, you're not hunchbacked!

A man run home, looked at the mirror, but there really was no hump.
Full of joy he ...

man at a cemetery

Man at a cemetery is standing in front of a grave of another man and cries:
"Whyyy did you diee? Whyyy did you dieee?"
Someone goes by and asks:
"Who is it? A friend of yours?"
"No, I didn't even met him."
"So why are you crying?"
"It was the first husband of my wife......

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A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso, when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one...

Behind the second hearse, was a solitary Italian man, walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am...

Happened IRL We were at the cemetery. Talking about a dead person who got cremated. My dad said: I don't want to hear about you doing this to me!

I answered: You won't...

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A letter from an Irish mother

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 2...

Man walks by the cemetery...

A fellow was strolling by the cemetery one day and glancing over the fence noticed a Gent down on his knees at a gravesite sobbing and pounding his fists on the stone and sobbing....."Why did you have to die?, why, oh why did you have to die?"

The sight of this fellow in such misery re...

Two wives go on a girl’s night out and they have to stop to take a dump on the way home.

All the shops and restaurants are closed and there’s nowhere they can go in their busy city. The only bit of grassland they can find nearby is the local church cemetery.


After they’ve both gone in the corner of the cemetery, they realise they have nothing to wipe with. One uses her pantie...

I went to the cemetery today...

I knew every body there would be 6 feet away from me.

What did the guy say when he buried a body in the wrong cemetery plot?

"I've made a grave mistake."

What do you call it when there’s an earthquake at a cemetery ?

A maraca band

What did the cemetery say to the hospital?

Sorry aout the delay but thank you for your patients

How do you get into a locked cemetery?

With a skeleton key

News report: airplane crashes into cemetery.

Authorities are shocked as over 3000 victims' corpses have been retrieved.

I know a guy who saved all his life to buy a cemetery plot.

Then he took a cruise and was lost at
sea.

Moral:
Be careful what you plot!

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A hearse was driving to the hilltop cemetery.......

......it started to climb up a steep hill out of town. The hill became steeper and the casket started to slip backwards. Just prior to the peak of the hill the casket slipped further out of its catches and fell out the back of the hearse. It started to slide back down the hill gathering sp...

Have you heard about the new cemetery?

I've heard it's the dead center of town

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A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.

Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell he...

They tried to hide the yard sale at the cemetery but failed miserably

It was a dead giveaway

I recently attended a funeral where the casket was driven to the cemetery on a practice run before the ceremony and procession.

It was a rehearsal.

A man saw an epitaph in a cemetery which read: 'Here lies an honest man and politician.'

'Shame,' he cried, 'two people in the same grave!'

So one time I was at the cemetery...

...and I heard some faint music... was it coming out of a grave?? I investigated further and I recognized that the music was Beethoven's symphonies being played backwards... 5... then 4... then 3... then I realized to my horror... it was Beethoven in his grave... DECOMPOSING!

A stunt plane crashed at a cemetery

Rescue mission had already discovered 50 dead people

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A man goes for a walk in a cemetery after his friend's funeral

Feeling quite sad, a man goes for a walk in a cemetery after his friend's funeral. As he walked between the tombstones he came across an open grave. He walked right up to the edge to see that there was still a coffin inside. What an odd sight he thought to himself - suddenly he heard a thump, follow...

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub.

Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through." So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??" Mrs. Riley replied, "I am th...

A man with a hunchback was walking trough the cemetery.

A ghost spooks him with a question.
- What is that on your back ? the ghost asks.
- Its a hunchback ! the man replies.
- Can i have it ? asks the ghost.
- Shure !!! and the trade is done.
Mindblown,the man goes to his wimp-leg friend and tell him the story.As soon as he finishes tell...

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A wizard is walking through a cemetery one day. . .

A wizard is walking through a cemetery one day, and after paying his respects to an old friend he walks past two grave markers that each had a statue of the person buried in the grave. Both statues looked across a wide space toward each other with sadness and longing. The wizard read the epitaphs to...

The man who invented Tetris died.

They buried him and the whole cemetery disappeared.

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I was wandering through the cemetery earlier today when I saw a guy kneeling behind a gravestone

Trying to be polite, I said “Morning.”

To which he replied “Nope just taking a shit.”

A Mans walking in a cemetery and he hears this noise...

It sounded like someone was using a eraser. He walks towards a grave and it gets louder. So he digs up the casket and sees Mozart Erasing all of his music,and the man says "Mozart what are you doing!" Then Mozart says "I'm decomposing"

Woman goes to the Priest to ask him to bury her dog in the church cemetery

He tells her "unfortunately, we don't do that. You can take him to the pet cemetery." But the woman pleads "Please, I just need to know I will see him again in heaven, so I need you to bury him in holy ground!" but the priest doesn't budge. "I'm sorry, dear lady, I just can't do that. It's not allow...

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A Gargoyle, A Jinn, and A Dark Shaman are hanging out in a cemetery...

A gargoyle a jinn and a dark shaman are hanging out in a cemetery, close to midnight.

The shaman turns to the jinn and says,
"I bet my soul against your eternal servitude, that I can raise more corpses freshly dead within the past 10 years, than you can steal the souls of the living by gra...

Did you hear about the tragic crash of the small plane into the cemetery?

So far they've recovered 324 bodies.

I started a job today at the local cemetery...

The boss wanted me to start 3 graves for some upcoming burials. I went to the maintenance shed to get the backhoe. I didn't see it inside. I found the head of maintenance. A hippie looking guy straight out of the 60's. Long hair, tie dye shirt, peace symbol necklace, bandanna. The whole nine yards. ...

I was walking the dog through the village cemetery earlier today...

...this nosey old woman heading the other way says "Mourning?" as we approached one another.

"No..." I answered curtly. "...I'm just walking my dog."

Honestly- I wish people would learn to mind their own business.

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An old woman wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.

As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy."

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

A two-seater plane crashed in a cemetery in Lahore

Pakistani police has so far discovered 25 bodies

Did you hear about the tornado that tore through a cemetery?

Hundreds turned up dead!

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