A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP!…

BUMP…

BUMP…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP…

BUMP…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket ...

Boy Joe's grandma's funeral sure was hard she looked so graceful and peaceful in that casket

It was all I could do to hide my mourning wood.

A casket company has started marketing clear glass coffins.

Don't know if they will be well received...remains to be seen.

Funeral director: Are you sure you want a closed casket for your wife?

Schroedinger: Yep.

A casket fell out of a Funeral Car and rolled down a hill and into a Chemist

The man inside gets out and says ''Have you got anything to stop my Coffin''

when i die i want my kids to carry my casket.

So they can let me down one more time.

The pallbearers accidentally bumped Susan’s casket on the wall...

... and they hear a cough. They open the casket and sure enough Susan is alive, apparently having been in a coma which she is coming out of.

She recovers in the hospital and lives another 3 years before she finally passes. At her (second) funeral the eulogies finish and the pallbearers begin...

I was asked if I was going to have a closed casket at my funeral.

Over my dead body!

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A casket falls out of the back of a hearse and is careening down a hill straight toward a drug store.

The limo driver tells the grieving husband.."Don't worry. They will have something in there to stop her coffin.

What did the casket say to the other casket?

Is that you coughing?

I recently attended a funeral where the casket was driven to the cemetery on a practice run before the ceremony and procession.

It was a rehearsal.

A man was being chased by a casket as he returned home late at night....

Desperate, he rushed into the bathroom that no one in the house ever uses and slammed the door shut.

As the thumping of the casket trying to break through the door echoed through the rather empty bathroom, the man frantically searched the place for something he can fight the casket with, howe...

Dead again..

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the cask...

What kind of yoga do you do in a casket?

Decom-pose.

This guy tried to sell me a casket.

I told him, "well, that's the *last* thing I'm gonna need."

The Casket

One day i was walking home from work when all of a sudden i hear 'bang bang bang' behind me. I turned around to see what is making the noise an i see nothing. I carry on walking but after a while i hear the same noise but even louder. It sounds like someone hitting a wooden fence on the ground. I tu...

When you die and you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you...

Three friends are sitting in a bar drinking, when one turns to the others and asks, "When you die and you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy thinks and says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a grea...

Did you know that Erwin Schrodinger's funeral was closed casket?

He was buried (|Dead> + |Alive>) / sqrt(2)

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My brothers and I were carrying my dad's casket...

My dad recently passed away due to pneumonia. Naturally, my brothers and I were paul bearers at his funeral. The funeral home was up on a hill with a busy road leading down into the valley. As we were carrying his casket out of the hearse, it slipped out of our hands and begin to tumble downhill. We...

Do you know why blondes caskets are wider at the bottom?

Because as soon as they get on their back they spread their legs...

man drives his father casket back to mexico...

Man puts the casket in his truck and hauls his father from oklahoma back and gets pulled over in texas.

State trooper pulls him over. He asked the man for his license and registration with proof of insurance.

Man pulls out his credentials and hands it to the state trooper.

Troop...

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A Jews mother dies...

And he decides to send her back to Israel, per her will, to be buried. So he sends the coffin back with a letter atop the casket. His brother opens it and it reads:

Dear brother,

Ima died and wants to be laid to rest here. Please follow her request and bury her here. Also, I have sen...

Why are caskets so expensive?

Because everyone is dying to get in one!

There was a man who had worked all his life and saved all of his money...

He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me, because I want to take all my money to the afterlife.

So he go...

A man was walking home from work..

When he was 3 blocks away from his house, he hears from behind him....
Bump.......Bump........Bump.....,,,.

He turns around but can’t see anything. He starts running.

The sound gets louder. He looks back and sees a casket jumping and coming after him.

He gets scared and runs ...

A doctor, an accountant and an attorney all go to a funeral

At the funeral they see people putting money in the casket. So when the doctor steps up, he pulls out $100 and puts it in. Then the accountant steps up, and he puts in $100 as well. The lawyer steps up, pockets the $200 the two men previously deposited, and writes the dead man a check for $300.

How was Jackie Gleason put into his casket?

Crammed in.

A man was walking home one night, when he suddenly heard a loud banging noise.

It was extremely scary, as it was night and almost everyone was asleep. As he turned around, he saw an upright casket, making its way towards, with a loud bash with every jump.
Alarmed, the man began to run, faster and faster, but so did the casket as it bounced its way towards him.
The man f...

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

What is anti-vax parent's favourite song lyrics?

Swish, swish, bish

Another one in the casket

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A hearse was driving to the hilltop cemetery.......

......it started to climb up a steep hill out of town. The hill became steeper and the casket started to slip backwards. Just prior to the peak of the hill the casket slipped further out of its catches and fell out the back of the hearse. It started to slide back down the hill gathering sp...

An anti-vax woman marries a rich chinese businessman

Later on, the woman gives birth to a healthy baby boy. However, shortly after the baby's 1st birthday, he died.
During the funeral, people noticed that the mother kept muttering to herself as she cried.

While lowering the casket, the mother kept shouting: "I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! OH, I SHOU...

A man getting coffee sees a weird funeral ...

He sees a funeral with two caskets, about 20 feet back is a man with a pit bull, and then 20 more feet back a line of about 100 men.

The guy getting coffee was curious and walked up to the man with the pit bull and said,”I’m sorry to bother but who is in the first casket?”

the...

A husband on his death bed

Jane and Roy had been married for 40 years. They lived frugally and never had any children. Everything they owned was paid for.
Roy kept all of his money in cash at home. He always talked about how he was going to take his money with him when he died. Always saying he wanted all of his money put...

A man is asked to speak at his best friend's funeral.

He walks up to the front of the church and stands in front of the casket. Overcome with emotion, he pauses, and then says, "Plethora . . . plethora." After that he goes back into the pews and sits next to the deceased man's widow. She leans over and says to the guy, "Thanks. That means a lot."

A presidential aide says to Trump; "Sir, I had a dream about your parade yesterday night."

"Was it yuge?" Trump asked, visibly interested.

"Oh, yes," said the aide, "there were millions of cheering people turning out to celebrate all along the streets."

"Was it tremendous? Trump asked, visibly excited.

"Oh, yes," the aid replied; "You were in a huge carriage, flanked ...

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Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?

They couldn’t close his casket.

An 11 year old boy just told me his anti-vaxx joke

Knock knock!

“Who’s there?”

Unvaccinated kid!

“Unvaccinated kid who?”

Oh never mind, it’s an open casket funeral.

What's the worst part of going down on grandma?





Hitting your head on the casket lid,

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An elderly woman’s husband passes away.

As the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the chapel and down the stairs to the hearse they accidentally bump a pillar. They hear a noise from inside the casket and when they open it up the man springs up. Everyone is shocked but thankfully the man is alive and well.

Ten years pass a...

Sadly the inventor of the USB port died recently. . .

They are still trying to figure out which way to put his casket into the ground.

Mixed up two shipments at work but nobody realised

I actually was pretty lucky that both were closed caskets.

(Dark humor) Don't drink and drive

John Baker was 17 and hot headed. An underage drinkers and a hardcore partier, his parents were always furious with him for this. They tried keeping him from going out, but nothing seemed to work. The last straw was when John got caught driving drunk. The car was a wreck, and John was in even worse ...

A wealthy man dies and gives his friends $10,000 each

The man wanted his friends, a minister, a United Way executive, and a lawyer, to put the $10,000 into his grave. The man wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by his money forever. At the funeral, each person placed an envelope into the casket.

Later that night, the three started talking...

An alien walks into a bar

An alien walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a bottle of beer and a bag of nuts.

The bartender looks at the alien and says;
“Na we’ve had trouble with your kind before, get out”

The alien doesn’t know what the bartender is talking about but leaves anyway and finds another ba...

A doctor’s burial...

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate burial.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service .

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At t...

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An old man and woman were married for years...

...even though they hated each other.

When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most: **“When I die, I will dig my way up out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the r...

A man and a woman get married

After twenty years of marriage, the wife tragically passes away before her time.

As they are carrying the casket in the church, one of the pall bearers bumps it on a corner, and from the casket they hear a gasp.

The woman climbs out of the casket, it's a miracle, she's on the news, peo...

The Ikea owner died, and his funeral was delayed..

They couldn't figure out how to put together his casket.

Belated halloween joke

One moonless night, a man is walking home from the pub. He's whistling to himself and enjoying the cool night air when he hears a distant thumping behind him. He thinks nothing of it and continues on his way.

Soon, he notices that the thumping noise is getting louder..

"thump.. thump.....

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.

God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."

The second police offic...

What's the difference between a nanagon and a nonagon?

A nonagon is a shape with nine sides. A nanagon is an old woman in a casket.

A descendant of a pharaoh

A descendant of a pharaoh learned he was going to die and called his pastor, his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He told the three that he wanted to be buried in the style of his ancestors and to be buried with some of his wealth. He hands them each an envelope and says “In this envelope is $30,...

A Mans walking in a cemetery and he hears this noise...

It sounded like someone was using a eraser. He walks towards a grave and it gets louder. So he digs up the casket and sees Mozart Erasing all of his music,and the man says "Mozart what are you doing!" Then Mozart says "I'm decomposing"

So Donald Trump was golfing with his buddy the other day

His buddy said, "So I had a dream about you the other night."

"Really?" Said trump, "About what?"

"People in the hundreds of thousands were celebrating and cheering for you in the streets."

"Oh wow. How was my hair?"

"I don't know. It was a closed casket."

I want my group project members at my funeral

They're gonna lower my casket into the ground.

So they can let me down one last time.

The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER..."

...is when they're lowering my casket into the ground

Richard ‘Old Man’ Harrison just passed away

Mortician: it’s going to cost you $10,000 to put him in a casket.

Rick: best I can do is $100 cause it’s just going to sit there and collect dust.

A wife of thirty years dies and the husband arranges the funeral. . .

During the services the pall bearers while carrying the casket slip and it accidently hits a wall. They hear a moan coming from inside of the casket. They open it up and the wife is still alive. In fact, she goes on to live another ten years. After she passes, the husband arranges another funera...

So today the founder of IKEA passed away...

I wonder how long it took his family to build his casket?

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[OC] A notoriously bad stage actor died recently.

The vehicle carrying his casket broke down on the way to the funeral, allowing his critics, for one last time, to state that he needed to rehearse.

I know a guy who claims to be a necrophiliac...

He came out of the casket.

IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad has died at 91. His funeral procession will be a winding path that takes about 2 hours with a pause in the middle for refreshments.

We also seem to have an extra casket handle and a handful of screws.

Studies have shown that public speaking is the thing that people fear the most. The second most-common fear is death.

This means that most people would rather be the one in the casket rather than the one giving the eulogy.

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Daisies or roses?

Just checking what to put on your casket after I murder that pussy.

One cold January morning

On a cold January morning a funeral was being held for a man who passed away. After the service the pal barers are caring the coffin out of the church. As they walk down the steps one man slips and loses his grip on the casket causing the others to lose their grips. The coffin goes sliding down the...

Ikea founder dies at 91.

He will be buried as soon as they get the casket put together.

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A man is out tilling his field behind his mule...

It’s a very hot day and the man is toiling away, sweating as he follows his mule controlling the plow up and down his field. His wife comes out to talk and says “When you get done with this field and return home tonight don’t forget about the leak under the kitchen sink, the window in the bathroom i...

What did the cannibal couple take with them to the park?

A picnic casket

USB Inventor

When the inventor of the usb dies thay will lower him slowly stop flip the Casket and put him in all the way

Final Destination

What do you call an open-casket viewing at an atheist's funeral?
All dressed up and nowhere to go.

What would Lady Diana do if she were still alive?

Scratch the lid of her casket.

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A kid walks into a pharmacy and asks the doctor if he has something to counter viagra.

Doctor gets confused and asks:
-Son, every man asks for viagra, why are you asking for something to counter it?
Kid says:
-My grandpa died and we can't close the casket.

An old man walks up to a priest, doctor, and a lawyer...

and says "I'm going to die soon," He hands all three of them an envelope. "Inside each of these envelopes is 100,000 dollars. When I die, I want you 3 to put the 100,000 dollars in my casket because I want to die with the rest of my wealth." The three men gave their word and promised they would put ...

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An old hag died.

She was a mother, a wife, and a mother-in-law. Everybody knew that she and her son-in-law hated each other.

But, on the day of the funeral, people arrive at the church and see something unexpected: the son-in-law, over the open casket, holding the hands of the dead woman, forehead pressed to ...

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one night, 2 necrophiliacs go to a cemetery...

they start digging up graves and pulling bodies out of caskets. They eventually have 12 bodies plus parts of several others. Then they go to town. They start fucking skulls, tearing holes into stomachs and fucking those. One guy rips a dick off of a corpse and sucks on it for a while. This horr...

I met with my lawyer to discuss my will...

During the meeting he asked me about funeral arrangements. I told him I was thinking of having an open casket funeral. Remains to be seen.

If Ronald Reagan were alive today he would roll in his grave...

roll, scream, kick and so would you if you woke up in a casket.

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An old multi-billionaire is lying on his deathbed...

And he calls his 3 best friends into the room.

 

"Now look," he says, "I know I won't be alive much longer, and you know I love my money. I want to prove to my family that you CAN take it with you when you go. So, to keep them from getting their greedy mitts on my money, I'm ...

So a cardiologist in a small town died

He was very well loved in the town, and every other doctor in the area came to his funeral. At the end they lowered him into the ground in a wondrous mahogany casket, shaped like a heart, lined with red velvet. It was a beautiful affair, but marred by a woman in the front row who couldn't stop lau...

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My name is Mark

So recently I lost all of my friends, my job, and My wife. I would like to give my story.


Essentially it was a normal day, I was cleaning the dishes from the dishes I was making prior . I was experimenting with new recipes for my chef job, and then my wife's friend knocks on the door. "H...

An old man dies...

...and at the funeral, his family members walk to the casket to say their final respects. When they're done, the old mans son notices a bulge in his fathers pants. When he goes to ask the funeral director about it, the director says "Oh, don't worry about that, it's just mourning wood"

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