Derby Jokes - 24 Hilarious Derby Jokes

What do the Kentucky Derby and a wedding have in common?

They both have months of build up for 2 minutes of action.

It's the Merseyside Derby and Anfield is full to bursting

A Liverpool fan sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.

He turns to the man in the next seat and says 'I can't believe there's an empty seat on derby day'. The man replies 'This seat belonged to my wife, she died last week. She never missed a game'

The Liverpool fan ...

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Two guys are watching the Kentucky Derby.

One of the guys, Jeff, is there, bragging about how he has a really fast dog that can almost beat the horses. He bets everyone there 300$ that their pets can’t beat his dog in a race. The other guy, Steve, is wearing a trench coat. Steve walks up to Jeff and takes him up on the bet.

After the...

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Derby winner Medina Spirit turned down an invite to Mira Lago...

...saying if he wanted to see a horse's ass he would have come in second.

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The Kentucky Derby is like sex on the first date.

There's a lot of build-up to the event, hearts are racing, tensions are high, everyone is super excited, and when the time finally comes and it's time to get started, it's over in 122 seconds....

Are you guys watching the Kentucky Derby?

Yay or neigh?

The winner of the Kentucky Derby has been invited to the White House.

The stallion declined, stating: "If I wanted to look at a horse's ass, I would've come in second".

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At age 70 I participated in my first demolition derby today and my tires flew off my car.

I guess it's time for me to retire.

My wife and I got married on the same day as the Kentucky Derby. I remember it because I was considering betting my life’s savings on this one Filly.

...

I also considered putting money on the derby.

What’s the best kind of car to use in a demolition derby?

Dodge

Why was the driver fired from the destruction derby?

He was accused of wreckless driving.

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Kentucky Derby trivia - Why don't female jockeys shave their pussies?

They like their fur long!

I'll show myself out...

Billy: "Your mare - what breed is it?" Jack: "No clue, but it beat the winner of this year's Kentucky Derby. " "Why wasn't it entered for the Triple Crown?" "Problem is, it gallops only at night. Snoozes in the daytime."

"Tsk tsk tsk... a nightmare."

What's the difference between a tribe of wild hunting pygmies and a Women's roller derby team?

The Pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.

A horse plays cricket

I heard this a while ago on BBC America, so it's paraphrased a bit:

----

A horse is in his field, watching a cricket match over the fence.

He calls out to the captain, and asks if he could play as well. The skipper says, "Why not? Might be fun," and gives the horse a bat as it w...

Possible OC??

What's the difference between a demolition derby and some drunks on a bus?

One's a bar-crawl. The other's a car-brawl.

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How do you know if a lightbulb is a prostitute?

Its been screwed in and out by teams of scientists, skateboarders, narcissists, every one of the human races, Vietnam vets, Grateful Dead fans, computer scientists, Army Rangers, stoners, Yankee fans, dead babies, roaming hippies, alchoholics, cops, Comcast employees, Jedis, Dragonball-Z characters,...

I hate to beat a dead horse, but

If I’ve got enough money in the Kentucky Derby, you better believe I’ll do what’s necessary

So I saw Amy Schumer perform live...

The Kentucky Derby really is magical!

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Horse and Donkey

A horse and a donkey meet in a bar one night, they get chatting and hit it off, the horse invites the donkey back to his place, they go back and all around the walls are pictures of the horse winning the derby, the Guineas, the oaks etc etc. So anyway they have a bang and the horse suggests going to...

[Long] The Farmers horse

There was a farmer who owned a small ranch with some livestock and two horses, Razzle and Dazzle. One day a traveling salesmen knocks on his door. While waiting for the farmer to answer he notices the horses racing around their pen. After he gives his sales pitch he says to the farmer:
"You know ...

A blind man walks into a bar...

A blind man walks into a bar, orders a drink
and says, "Hey! Does anyone want to hear a
blonde joke?" Then the woman next to him
taps his shoulder and says, "Listen mister, I'm a
bodybuilder, 5 foot 9 of pure muscle, and I'm
blonde. The bouncer over there, he's a martial
arts exper...

A donkey is having a drink in a pub

when he spots a horse at the bar so goes over for a chat. "What do you do for a living then?" asks the donkey. "I'm a racehorse" comes the reply. "Oh right" says the donkey, "have you won any races then?". "Well", says the horse, " on the flat I've won the 2,000 guineas & the derby, & over t...

The tale of Hobbin & Noggin

One day a farmer's mare birthed two foals. One was named Hobbin, and the other Noggin. The two horses grew up and loved to race each other. One day the farmer noticed the two racing each other around the pasture and thought to himself, "Wow! These horses are quick!" So the next day he entered them i...

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