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Checking Jokes

What did the Russian billionaire say when checking in at a hotel?

I'd like a room on the first floor, please.

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

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(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

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When checking out at Walmart I always pick the sexiest cashier...

I always end up at self checkout.

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A demon is checking a new arrival into Hell.

"Says here," he says, "you didn't really do anything wrong and they were willing to let you into the Other Place."

"Yes," said the dead soul. "But I said I'd rather be in Hell with my best friend than in Heaven with God!"

"Huh," says the demon. "Okay, we don't normally do requests, but...

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' sh...

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A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

I asked my doctor to use 2 fingers when checking my prostate..

I wanted a second opinion.

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A family checks in to a hotel

The father walks up to the concierge and says “im checking in with my family, i hope the porn is disabled”
The concierge responds “its just regular porn you sick fuck”

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A husband and wife are checking out of a hotel

Receptionist: "That will be $400, sir"

Husband: "But we only stayed one night! Why is it so expensive???"

Receptionist: "We are a 5 star hotel, sir, with a world class private golf course and one of the finest spas in the country."

Husband: "But we didn't use the golf course, an...

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An old man is caught checking out a lady

Lady: (disgusted) You're a grown-ass man

Oldster: Correction. I'm a grown ass-man

2 farmers are checking their fences for intruders

1st farmer finds a cow stuck in a post...proceeds to unbuckle his pants and violates the cow....then turns to the 2nd farmer and asks " u want some??" ..2nd farmer answers and says"yeah sure".....



Then sticks his head in the same post....

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Boyfriend and girlfriend go into a restaurant and sit down in a booth. There is a man sitting at the bar, checking the woman out, up and down.

As the boyfriend gets up to go to the bathroom,
the man walks over the the girlfriend, sits down
right across from her and looks her right in the
eyes. Without blinking he says, "I want to suck
your nipples raw, and fill your pussy up with
Tequila, and sip it out with a straw." Need...

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A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is right,” said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checki...

A man in Moscow goes up to a newsstand and buys a newspaper…

He then glances at the front page, then turns aside and tosses the whole newspaper straight into the trash.

Next day, he turns up, and does the same thing. Buys it, glances at the front page, throws it in the trash.

Next day, same thing. The newsstand worker is increasingly puzzled, bu...

I told my wife after checking our bank accounts we can retire and live comfortably for the rest of our lives

As long as we die by Sunday

Skinny Dipping Boys Checking the Other's Manhood

Two boys were skinny dipping and the one couldn't help noticing the size of the other's manhood, so he asked, "How did you get it so big?" The other boy responded, "Well, I rub it down every night with lard." Two weeks later they were back at the swimming hole. Once again there was a comparison made...

I feel bad that nobody’s checking up on Coca Cola’s well-being.

When everyone asks if Pepsi is okay.

Checking out a girl is like checking out a game

You love it, but you can't afford it

A really hot girl was checking me out today.

Then I paid her for the groceries and left the store.

When it comes to fact-checking, journalists are lazy.

Source: Wikipedia.

Old farmer Joe is checking on his chickens

He notices that one of his chickens, Betty, is producing more eggs than any other chicken on the farm. What’s even more interesting is that they all look identical: same little freckle on the top, same patterns, even exactly the same colour! “This really is unusual,” he exclaims, and decides to inve...

Two friends checking out women

Two friends are checking out women, when one of them said: “you see that hottie over there? I have slept with her!” “Really?” His friends asks him. “Yeah man, and she’s much better then my girlfriend!” He replies: “well, I slept with her also, but she’s not better then your girlfriend!”

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A hot blonde goes to the gynaecologist for a check up...

When she enters his office, the doctor is overcome by his primal urges, and immediately tells her to take off her clothes.

"Do you know why I asked you to do that?" He asks, hesitantly.
"Sure, you want to check everything to make sure I'm fine."
"That's right!" He says.

After ...

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One day a woman was checking her husband's phone.

One day a woman was checking her husband's phone.

There were three contacts of ladies saved in it, The Lady that is tender, The lady that is Amazing, and the lady of my dreams.

The wife called the lady that is tender and her husband's mother answered.

Then she called the lady th...

Double checking

Peter escaped the Mental Hospital and then calls....



P: Hello is there anybody on Room 168?

Nurse: Upon checking, there's no one in there, why do you ask?

P: Just making sure I've escaped :D

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Checking Reddit is like whiping your ass and checking the toilet paper....

Sometimes there's something new and sometimes there isn't.

A doctor is checking on his patient after she’s spent the night in the hospital and asks how her breakfast was.

“Well, doctor,” the old woman says, “the eggs were fine. The toast was fine. But the nurse left a tube of that Kentucky Jelly in here and it might be the worst thing I’ve ever tasted!”

Cashiers are always checking me out

That's the closest I'll ever get to a woman being interested in me

He's making a list, he's checking it twice.

He's gonna find out who's Muslim or nice.
Donald Trump is coming to town ! 🎶

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A woman in her 40’s is checking out at the grocery store

The bagger, a good looking 18 yo guy, asks if she needs help to her car. She says, “yes, thank you.”

As they walk into the parking lot, she leans over to him and says, “you know - I’ve got an itchy pussy.”

The young guy replies, “ You’ll have to point it out ma’am. All these Asian car...

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A man goes for a prostate exam.

The doctor is checking him out when he finds a roll of $100 bills stuffed up his ass. He pulls out the money and counts it.

“You’re not gonna believe this, but I just found $1900 shoved up your ass!”

The man says, “Well that makes sense. That’s why I haven’t been feeling too grand.”

A woman was checking out at the grocery store. . .

A woman was at the store with her kid, just about to check out. When she got to the cash register, all she had was a backpack. The clerk asked her why she wanted the backpack since her kid was still very small. She responded, "I'm going to stuff my kid in the backpack and carry him around." The peop...

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I was checking into a hotel

with my family and was concerned about my kids mistakenly watching the porn channel on the tv. I asked the clerk, " Is the porn channel disabled?" The clerk responded, " No, it's regular porn you sick bastard!"

My wife and I were riding our bikes near the beach and I caught her checking out some ladies sunbathing.

I guess she's a bi-cyclist.

Doctor: checking my x-rays

Doctor: this is exactly what I was afraid of

Me: what

Doctor: skeletons

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Checking your Facebook is like checking your underwear after you fart

There wont be anything there and if there is it's probably shit

My friend is so lucky, his gf doesn't mind him checking as many asses as he wants!

By the way, he is a proctologist.

I encountered a young cashier while checking out.

My total was $4.07 to so I handed him a $5 bill and 7 pennies. Confused, he said, "This is too much, just give me the $5 bill." I tried explaining to him that I didn't want change back. This situation still had him bewildered as if he doesn't understand the basics regarding math and money.

I ...

I hate checking up the periodic table.

There's just no element of surprise.

A monk was checking his emails.

A woman saw this and looked at him weirdly,
Soon she approached him and asked
"is it okay for monks to use emails?"
The monk said "Ofcourse its okay for Monks to use Emails,
As long as there are no attachments"

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you t...

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My wife caught me checking out the nanny the other day.

She fired the nanny. Then she told me no more sex for a year!

I said, "You're firing the maid, too?"

A man is checking in for a flight from Russia to America.

Airport staff check his suitcase and see that he only has a bottle of vodka and a knife.

They ask him: is this all your luggage?

He replies: if I had something else, I would not go to America.

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A dad is checking his family into a hotel

Front desk manager: “Hello sir how may I help you?”

Dad: “Yes, I’m checking in with my family so I want to be sure the porn is disabled in our room.”

Front desk manager: *visibly disgusted* “We only have regular porn available you sick fuck”

A man is checking out at the grocery store.

He buys a dozen eggs, two boxes of pasta, waffles, a bag of onions, lunch meat, oatmeal, sparkling water and throws on a pack of gum at the register.
The woman behind him says "you must be single"
"Why yes I am! Did you figure this out by noticing all the stuff I bought?"
"Nope, it's becaus...

As I was checking out at the local grocery store..

the clerk said, "Strip down, facing me". I was down to my socks before I realized she was talking about my credit card..

I was checking out at Tesco...

I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt... a box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring, but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've bot...

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A warning to all you drivers at Christmas

Be careful about drunk driving as we are getting close to Christmas and police are out there checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea.

Knowing I was over the limit...

Yesterday, a homeless man approached me while I was checking the mail...

He said, "Sir, I hate to bother you, but I haven't eaten in nearly two days. Is there any way you can find it in your heart to give me a dollar or two?" I told him that I only had large bills. He said, "Hell, I'll take one of those!" So I looked through what I had in my hand, and I gave him my elect...

These days I've been checking the news first thing in the morning.

Lately, it's been my mourning routine.

Checking out the birth facility

My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music, and candlelight.

"What do you think?" she said

He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"

St. Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates..

St. Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants a...

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Checking the Rear

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He cons...

Once again, I'm checking out this book "Greek Philosophers: From Aristotle to Zeno"

I've never finished it for some reason.

Wife was checking her husband's phone and saw a contact named COVID19

Wife was checking her husband's phone and saw a contact named COVID19. She called the number and her own phone rang.

Husband is now in isolation.

An archaeologist and his gorgeous new intern are in the lab checking the levels of carbon-14 in a skull they found.

The archaeologist's jealous wife walks in and demands to know what's going on. "Honey, it's nothing! We're just dating!"

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I was checking my testicles for lumps

When I heard a little voice say "the empire state building is 20 ft tall," it turns out they were talking bollocks.

Checking your levels

A woman observes her husband as he enters the kitchen, opens the sugar box, looks inside and closes it. He does it again and again. So she asks him why?

He answers: "Because the doctor told me to check my sugar levels regularly."

So St Peter was checking people into heaven

And as he was doing so, he was assigning cars to the entrants based on the how many bad deeds they did on earth. The first man walks up and Peter asks, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The man replies, "50 times". Peter then assigns him a beat up 1984 Nissan pickup. The next man walks up...

My daughter has a habit of checking for letters before coming home.

"How many letters are there in the letterbox today?"

"DAD! I'm sick of you always telling me there are 9 letters!"

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A doctor is checking out an elderly patient.

The doctor says to the old man, "Sir, are you aware you have a suppository in your ear?"

The old man immediately pulls out his cell phone, calls his wife, and says, "Martha, you can stop looking for my hearing aid, I think I know where I put it!"

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A man and his wife checked into a hotel.

An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk.

Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window."

Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. "

Man- " Personal matter my ass the window doesn't open."

A woman and her lover were in bed, when the woman heard her husband getting back.

The woman said “Quick! Rub baby powder on you and pretend to be a statue.” The lover did that.

The husband walked into the room.
“Honey, what’s this statue doing here?” He asked.
“I saw that the Smiths got one, so I decided to get one as well.” She replied.
The husband got into bed, ...

This lady was checking me out today...

So I figured I'd hand her a 20 dollar bill. She said: "That's not enough"
I handed her another 20 and she said:
"Would you like paper or plastic?"

I was checking in a hotel, and the guy at reception told me that my room was upgraded.

I said, “Sweet!”

Reception guy: Exactly Sir.

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A woman is checking out at a grocery store

and puts a coke, candy bar, ramen noodles, and a tub of ice cream on the counter and the cashier says, "you must be single." "Wow, that's amazing! I sure am, what gave it away?" replies the woman. The cashier mumbles under his breath, "because you're ugly as shit."

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So this lady is checking out at the grocery store...

...and she's buying one frozen dinner, one steak, one piece of fruit, one can of soup, etc. As she's paying the cashier says to her "You're single, aren't you?" She laughs and says, "Yeah, how could you tell?" to which he replies "Because you're fucking ugly."

The other day, I'm checking my buddy's engine

Out of nowhere, he tells me about the journey he took to find the woman he felt was inside him all along. But after a day of wearing make-up and a sundress, he knew it didn't feel right. And that's when I discovered his faulty trans mission.

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.

Confused, I asked him what he was doing... He said: “Just checking my balance.”

An old lady was having trouble checking her balance at the bank

So I pushed her over

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Dave and his wife were checking out of a hotel...

"Double bed, that will be £300" says the receptionist.


"£300?" Says Dave, "But we only stayed for one night!"


"Yes, but you have to understand, the Royal Hotel is the most illustrious hotel in Ireland, we have a top of the range spar and a 18 hole golf course"


"But I...

The "Sir Sandwich" (I don't understand this joke!)

This joke appeared on Everybody Loves Raymond and I don't get it:

Our drill sergeant stressed to us the importance of addressing all officers with what he called a “Sir Sandwich.” “Sir, yes Sir!” “Sir, I don’t know, Sir!” and the like. A few days later a colonel approached me in the motor poo...

Man walks into a bank asking for an Interest-Free Checking account

"Who cares?" the receptionist says and sighs.

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

How did the priest get a negative balance in his checking account?

Clerical error.

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