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Check Out Jokes

Hey, check out my foreskin.

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A man shouted to his wife, "Honey, come in here and check out my clock."

She found him standing naked, with a hard-on. "That's not a clock!" she shouted.

"It is," he replied. "It just needs two hands and a face on it."

A shopper at the supermarket went to a cashier to check out.

He was in a hurry, trying to rush the groceries through and pack his cart at the same time. Then, in his haste, he accidentally tripped on the cart and fell headfirst onto the cashier's barcode scanner. The look on his face was priceless.

Niece asked me to check out her latest KPOP song

Told her i'm not that into Seoul music.

There's a band you HAVE to check out

and check out and check out and check out. They're called OCDC.

Check out "conjunctivitis.com".

Its a site for sore eyes.

How do you get a lot of people to check out your post?

Mark it NSFW

I went to the library to check out a medical book on abdominal pain

but when I got it home, I found that someone had ripped out the appendix.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Think of this every time I check out

I'm in the grocery store ready to check out. Hot pockets, pack of ramen, single roll of TP, bottle of soda,

Cute cashier looks at me "Single?" she asks

"Heh yeah what have it away?"

"You're fucking ugly"

I'm going to check out the new restaurant called Karma.

There's no menu, you just get what you deserve.

You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.

They have a mummy-back guarantee!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son went over to check out a construction project at our neighbor's and it reminded me of this classic...

Little Johnny is bored and asks his dad for something to do.

"Go across the street to that construction site and talk to the workers. Maybe you'll learn something," his dad said.

Johnny was gone all day and finally comes home for dinner. During the meal, Johnny's dad asked, "you were a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do men check out women's rear?

Historically, men at sea were trapped and killed by Mermaids who attracted them using their upper body beauty. Soon, the word was spread among all the sailors/pirates and subsequently to the whole world to check out women's rear to save yourself from murderous mermaids.

Thank you for coming t...

My friend invited me over to check out his new apartment. When I arrived he said "please make yourself at home".

So I threw him out. I hate guests.

A woman was checking out at the grocery store. . .

A woman was at the store with her kid, just about to check out. When she got to the cash register, all she had was a backpack. The clerk asked her why she wanted the backpack since her kid was still very small. She responded, "I'm going to stuff my kid in the backpack and carry him around." The peop...

Man 1: "driving down a highway" check out that flock of cows!

Man 2: flock?

Man 1: yeah? What's wrong?

Man 2: its herd

Man 1: herd?

Man 2: yeah, herd of cows

Man 1: of course I've heard of cows. Theres a flock of them over there!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Single Man Goes Up to The Check Out

He places a pizza for one. Bottle of coke and a block of chocolate on the counter.

The cashier says "Single Huh?"

The man laughs and replies 'hah yeah how could you tell?'

The cashier "Well, because your fucking ugly"

It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78...

Because then the man is left with only $0.22...


EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.

Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.

Hey, check out my new dog!

"He used to be police dog down in Florida."

"Oh, what breed is he?"

"He's a meth lab."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman at grocery store proceeds to the check out...

She greet the male cashier with a friendly smile and starts placing her groceries on the belt.

She places on the belt a single banana, a single serve tinned soup, and a microwave meal for one.

The cashier scans her items, turns to the lady and says “So, single are you?”

The ...

You all should go check out r/jerseymikes

It’s a sub above

Two men, both new to the town, was discussing their new home.

"What a strange place," said one of them. "I went to check out the stock exchange yesterday, and it turned out to be all about soups and sauces. Very disappointing."

"You think that's disappointing?" replied the other. "I went to check out the brothel!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

Military unit is in the field and a scout is sent forward to check out the condition of a nearby bridge

He returns and reports: "Bridge is passable for vehicles but not for people on foot." Officer gives him a surprised look: "What do you mean, passable for vehicle but not for people on foot? Don't you mean the other way around?" "No, no, sir. At the bridge there is a large dog that is loudly barking....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking down to the docks to check out his new boat.

As he approaches he sees a honest to goodness pirate ship docking nearby. He is beside himself when he sees the most stereotypical pirate hobbling off the boat.

The pirate has a red bandana, a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch. The man can't help himself, he has to talk to the guy.<...

How does a flight of steps check out a woman?

It stares.

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries, the cashier said...

the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."


Making a mental note to complain to my local MP about this running amok,over-enthusiastic security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed....
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referrin...

Almost all the girls I check out give me their number...

To get the discount for their groceries of course

I went sightseeing in france and decided to check out that famous tower.

It sure was an Eiffel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor called the cops on me when I asked him to check out my testicles.

Apparently it’s “weird” to collect them in a jar.

A golfer tells his buddy, “Check out this “Impossible-to Lose” golf ball I have...

If you hit it in the water it floats and then activates a small propeller that moves it over to the edge so you can retrieve it. If you hit it in high grass it emits a smoke signal. If you hit it into a bush, it chirps. It’s literally impossible to lose!”
His buddy says “Wow! That’s awesome. How...

A man dies, and wakes up on a beach.

There is nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. Suddenly, Satan comes up to him.
"Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me", he says. ...

I went to library to check out a book on suicide.

The librarian asked me "who would bring it back?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Watch what you buy on ebay...be careful you check out the sellers..I sent $95 for a penis enlarger

...basturds sent me a magnifing glass

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to check out a premature ejaculators’ support group this morning

But it turns out it’s tomorrow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman at the grocery store goes to the register to check out her stuff..

She gets there and the cashier proceeds to scan her items.. One apple, one bottle of water, one yogurt, one banana etc.. One of everything....
So the cashier tells her:
- Ha! You must be single!
- Huh?, What makes you say that?
- Well you're fucking ugly

My library charges me a dollar for every book I check out.

It's a paper-view.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] My first music class in school started with the teacher letting us check out the instruments to decide what we wanted to play.

I put a thump on a drum. I put a twang on the guitar. I even put a honk on the saxophone. After I was given my instrument I confessed that I wanted to play the bell. My teacher told me that if I liked it then I should have put a ring on it.

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

He took out a business card, wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card ...

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