A priest goes to the barber and has his hair cut.

He wants to pay but the barber says it is free of charge for a man of faith. The next morning the barber finds 5 silver coins in front of his door.

A buddhist goes to the barber and has his head shaved. He wants to pay but the barber says it is free of charge for a man of faith. The next mor...

How did the barber win the race ?

He knew a short cut

I told my barber I wanted my hair cut like Tom Cruise

So he sat me down on a couple of phone books.

The local barber just got busted for dealing drugs. I'm shocked. I've been a customer of his for 10 years.

Never knew he was a barber, though.

A catholic priest goes to a barber.

Once the haircut is finished, the priest reaches for his wallet. The barber says, "I cannot accept payment from a man of the cloth, it is my honor to cut the hair of a man of God." The next morning there are a dozen chocolates waiting at the barber's door from the priest.

Later that day, a Ba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

Not many people can brag about getting a handjob from the barber after a haircut

but then again not many people cut their own hair.



Ba dum tiss.

What do you call a female barber?

barbara

A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years.

Never knew he was a barber.

Kid vs Barber

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarter...

Little Bobby and the barber

A barber was cutting his customer's hair when he saw little Bobby walk by outside.

He said to his customer, "Watch this, this is the dumbest kid in the world."

He then went outside and held out his two hands.

One hand had 50 cents and the other had a dollar. He then asked Bobb...

Why is Satan's barber always nervous?

Because last time he messed up there was hell toupee.

A vet, a banker and a barber walk into a bar.

After a few drinks the banker gloomily says:

“although business has been booming most of the funds have beent going to my cats medication, sadly Bartholomew got run over by a blue honda; i wish i could of seen the driver and give him what he desreves”

With the drinks opening them up t...

My barber wanted me to sign a long term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused,

I couldn't accept all those perms and conditions.

A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber and asks how much he owes him.

The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house."

The priest says, "Thank you very much" and leaves.

The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.

A few days later, a ministe...

I got a haircut from an amputee barber

He did it single handedly

I tried hitting on my barber the other day

I walked in and asked "Hey, do you comb hair often?"

A son and dad are waiting in a busy, popular barber shop. Dad says, “This place is a cookout...”

First there’s a barber queue, then you get a fresh, tasty cut.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cut hair once, you’re not a barber ... Cook food once, you’re not a chef ...

Fuck a horse just once and you’re a horse fucker forever

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in ...

I went to my old barber that I used to see years ago.

I sat in the chair and asked him if he could cut my hair a little shorter on the left side and a little longer on the right side.

“And would you be kind enough to make three or four holes in my hair on top? And little things sticking out all over?” I asked him. “And in the back I would lik...

I was at a barber shop in Bangkok and I asked to get my hair dyed, and for the barber to surprise me. I noticed that it was taking a bit longer than hair dyeing normally would, and when I looked at the finished job in the mirror, I noticed that they were in rainbow swirls.

When I asked the barber, "What is this?" he told me,"Well, it's a Thai dye."

I went to get my hair cut today but there were so many in front of me.

After an hour the manager started to hand out hot dogs and burgers as an apology for the long wait.

It was the Best Barber Queue ever!

Told my wife I want to open up a barber shop and she said

Cut it out

An old cowboy walks into a bar…

...bershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When the barber...

Today, a man twisted my ear, put a blade to my throat and demanded that I pay up

To hell with the barbers.

The very famous barber

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before Icon get a haircut?"

Th...

Barber: how do you want your hair cut today, sir?

Me: In silence.

I heard a tale about the first barber...

He was a German man named, Herr Dreßer

What's a common thing between your Ex and your barber?

They both make you disappointed

Fella goes into the barbers and there's a queue....

"How long will I have to wait for a cut?"

"About 2 hours" replies the barber.

"I'll be back later" says the guy who then leaves the shop.

The barber turns around quickly and says to his assistant. "Quick, follow him and tell me where he goes, that's the fourth time this week h...

I went to the barbers earlier and said I wanted my hair cutting like Tom Cruise.

So he put a cushion on the chair.

A priest walks into a barber’s shop and sits down.

The barber gives him a nice haircut. When the priest asks him how much the haircut will cost, the barber replies, “I never charge a man who does God’s work.”

The priest thanks him and the next day the barber finds three bottles of wine on his doorstep.

Later that day, a minister ente...

What do bartenders and barbers have in common?

We trust them with our glasses.











First time posting be nice

Barber took too much of the top...

I went in saying "Just some off the top"

He must have not understood, because I left circumcised.

I still gave him a good tip.

A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved.

"What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.


That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay y...

A man sticks his head into a barber shop...

(I heard this on a radio ad, and it took me forever to get the joke. Now I feel the need to share it)

The man asks the barber "How long until I can get a hair cut?"

The barber replies "About 2 hours." And then the man leaves. The next day the man sticks his head in again and asks "How...

Donald Trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald wa...

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses wai...

I regret going to an emo barber.

Instead of cutting my hair he just kept cutting himself.

A man walks into a Jewish Barber shop and pulls down his pants

He says to the barber, "A little off the top please"

Newsflash: A Barber gets arrested for drug possession.

An acquaintance says, "I've known this guy for years, and I didn't know he was a barber."

This guy walks into a barber shop

This guy walks into a barber shop and says to the barber that he never got a good shave on his cheeks.

\- No problem, says the barber taking a small wooden ball from the drawer. Put this ball in your mouth and hold it between your gums and your cheek.

The guy conforms and he gets the f...

What did the barber tell the janitor at the end of the day?

Take hair!

My 8 year old thought of it after his hair cut last night. I hope it’s OC as he doesn’t have a Reddit account, yet.

A barber is talking to one of his customers.

“See that kid?” he says as he points to a twelve-year-old standing outside the barbershop. “He is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch. I’ll prove it to you.”

The barber takes out a one-dollar bill and a five-dollar bill, and then calls the boy inside. He holds out both bills, and asks, “Whic...

There once was a village whose mayors were all named Benny and had magnificent beards

Legend held that if a mayor shaved his beard off, an ancient curse would transform him into a piece of pottery.

Centuries passed and every Benny was a fair and wise mayor, and never shaved their beards. But one summer, their land was struck by a terrible heat wave. All the men of the villag...

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a his...

So I slept with my barber recently...

The next time I went in to get a haircut, she asked me which head was due.

My barber

My barber was cutting my hair when, out of the blue, he said, "Look, I don't want to worry you but I just found out I'm HIV positive."
"It doesn't worry me at all," I replied.
"It should," he said. "I'm sleeping with your wife."

I got a haircut today, but I'm never going back to that barber.

I asked for one hair cut, and he cut all of them.

I work at a barber shop and i recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone that got a haircut,

Everyone look suprised.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl walked into a barber shop eating a muffin...

She sat down next to the chair where a customer was getting a haircut.



The barber turned to the little girl and shook his head. "You'll get hair on your muffin."


The girl smiled up at the man and nodded. "Yeah, they say I'll get tits too!"

I went to the barbers and asked for a number 2 all over.

I've washed my hair 6 times since and still can't get the smell out.

A man walks into a barber shop and asks, "Hey, Bob Peters here?"

The barber looks at him and says,"No, we just cut hair."

I went to the barber shop a few days ago to cut my hair...

I didn’t like my haircut first, but then it grew on me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a pornstar entering a barber shop, sitting next to a nun

the nun is currently getting her hair done.. meanwhile the pornstar is talking dirty shit about how he would like to have sex with the nun

the nun tries to ignore those words, when her hair is finished, she says she cant do such unspeakable things as a nun, an leaves

the barber then te...

A barber asks his client, how do you want your hair cut?

The client replied 'in silence'.

The 41st US president hired a barber for his family

His job was to trim the bushes

A man goes to a barber for a shave

While the barber is lathering him up, the man admits to having a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.


''Here, try this'', says the barber, pulling a small wooden ball from a drawer. '' Place the ball between your right cheek and gum and I'll show you how close a shave can be.''...

I've opened up a barber shop for rabbits

I do hare cuts, only.

Thanos walks into a barber shop

[spoilers for endgame?]

So Thanos walks into an avengers themed barber shop

Thor : whatchu want fam

Thanos: a little of the top please

Thor: say no more

:

Called the cops on the barber shop today

Heard they were grooming children.

Guy walks into a barber shop..

..and says “Chuck Wood here?”

Barber says “no we cut hair.”

Guy says “yeah obviously...I’m looking for my friend Chuck Wood.”

Barber says “oh yeah, he is over there getting in some curls.”

Guy says “Chuck doesn’t lift weights.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Steve arrived early for his haircut appointment and was patiently waiting while the barber finished up with another customer

The customer was loudly bragging about how he is not only the best mailman in the area, but he has slept with numerous women over the course of his career.

“Why, I’ve even slept with every woman on Maple Street except one,” he boasted. Steve’s ears perked up because he and his wife live on M...

Busy barber

A guy walks to a barber shop, opens the door and asks the barber "how long is the wait?"

The barber looks at the line of people waiting and says "oh, about 90 minutes"

The man leaves and never comes back.

The next day the man goes to the same barber asking "how long is the wait ...

I was held hostage at a barber shop once.

It was a hairy situation.

My barber trimmed my beard as they were ending the business day.

It was a close shave.

An elderly mother and her young daughter was walking in front of a temple when the monk happened to spot them.

The daughter was wearing booty shorts and a tank top at the time. The monk called from the distance and came towards them.
"Child, that's not an outfit for a young girl", said the monk. "Here take this 100$ and buy yourself some nice clothes", he said while giving the daughter a 100$ note.
...

What do you call a barber that only works on bald people?

An air stylist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My barber asked me what I wanted today. I replied, "I dunno. Do something that makes me look more sexy!"

So she started throwing back shots of vodka.

A barber got arrested in my town

He sold drugs and ran an escort service. Just shows how little you know of the people around you. I never knew he was an barber.

At first, I wasn't too happy the way my barber cut my hair, but honestly..

It's starting to grow on me

What does an astronomer barber do?

Eclipse.

Why do barbers make good drivers?

They know all the shortcuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a very rude parrot who stood at a barber's door. Every time Jane went by he'd say "Yo, bitch!"

Tired of this, Jane went to the barber and complained. As a punishment, the barber painted the parrot completely in black.

Two days after, Jane went again by the barber's door and the parrot didn't say anything. On the next day she went by twice and again, the parrot didn't say anything.
<...

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