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Manicure Jokes

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A man goes down to a ranch to look at a horse

The rancher brings out a beautiful mare.

"Can I see her teeth?" The man asks nicely.

"Sure thing!" Says the rancher and opens her lips to show off her perfect teeth.

"Bautiful! Can I see her tail and hooves?" The man asks.

"By all means, partner!" Replied the rancher an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with 3 girlfriends is trying to figure out which one of them to marry.

There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each 1 $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the m...

What's the hardest part about making a manicure joke?

You really have to nail it
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What do you get if you loose one of your fingers?

# What do you get if you lose one of your fingers?



10% Discount for a Manicure.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do beauty therapists say when they’re finished with a manicure?

Nailed it!

At first I didn't like my manicure....

but my nails are growing on me.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four soldiers are in a public bathroom...

An American soldier steps away from the urinal, turns on the water, uses five or six pumps or soap to wash his hands and takes a big wad of paper towels to dry them. He says to the others, "in the US Army, we are taught to use what we have to to get the job done".

A German soldier backs away ...

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Hotel.

A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel:

Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir." The clerk told him apologetically. "But down the hall from your room is a vendi...

Mary needed veggies for dinner but her nails weren't dry yet, and she had friends coming over.

She sends a text to her husband: "Honey please don't forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office. And Priscilla says 'Hi' to you.”

Paul, her husband, replied “Priscilla?"

“I’m kidding. I was just making sure that you read my message.”

Paul took a moment, then repl...
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Why doesn't Jesus like manicures?

He's not getting nailed again!
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A man an a boy walk into a barbershop

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade" he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes". When the boy's haircut was compl...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Choices...

A man dies, and finds himself in a plain-looking hallway. After a couple seconds, Satan appears in a puff of smoke.

"Hey there. Welcome to hell. It's not like the stereotypes or the movies, though. There's no fire or anything like that. Basically, the way it works I'll show you 3 rooms. After...

My main job is as a male nanny, but I don't get healthcare when I'm sick, I get spa days

It's because I need a Manicure!


^^^I ^^^^am ^^^^^actually ^^^^^^a ^^^^^^Nanny
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian tourist in NYC doesn't know where to put his trash, finally settling on a side street.

But just as he's about to dump his trash, a police officer pulls up. The tourist tells him that he can't find a place to dump his trash. In return the police officer led the tourist to a beautiful garden with manicured hedges, blooming flowers, and neatly cut grass.

Officer: Here. Dump your t...

A tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint British pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a few pints of stout.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants,...
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An American tourist in Moscow

Found himself needing to take a
leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't
find anyplace to relieve himself, so he just went down one of
the side streets to take care of business. Before he could even
get unzipped a Moscow police office asked, "Hey you -- what are ...
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A white collar is watching two blue collars.

While looking out of his window, Jack the IT guy sees two construction workers in the park. Both of them have shovels. Jack watches the first dig a hole about eight feet deep, three feet wide. After he's all done, the other worker proceeds to take all the soil the first worker dug up and replant it ...
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Wife letter to husband

I am writing you this letter to let you know that I'm leaving you. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today, I was kind to you and respected you for 7 years of our marriage, most of the time you did not appreciate me. The last two weeks were like hell. A week ago, you came home and d...
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Separate but equal?

A guy dies and ends up in front of St. Peter at the entrance to heaven.

St. Peter says “Welcome to heaven! You’ve lived a good and decent life; we have to find you a place to live up here. Hop in my golf cart and let’s take a tour of the different subdivisions. Let’s start in the Methodist ...
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