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Compassionate Jokes

A soldier asked his CO for compassionate leave saying his wife was going to have a baby.

When the soldier returned from leave, his CO asked him, "Well, was it a boy or a girl?"

"Sir!", the soldier replied. "It takes months!"

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A compassionate man

A young, handsome man was in the middle of his daily jogging routine on the beach. He sees a lone women with no arms or legs and she looks miserable. He stops and asks her if she is alright and she responds "I'm just so lonely. I've never received a hug in my life and I just want to feel normal." Th...

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The Compassionate Preacher.

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received ...

Anti-vaxers are caring, compassionate people . .

. . . and they love their kids to death.

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Not Another Russian Joke!

Three poor souls are languishing in Gulag and have violated the camp curfew. The punishment for the this is 10 lashes across the back. The camp warden is a somewhat compassionate and he allows the three to choose one item to place on their backs to minimize the injury.


The first prison...

My wife was arguing that women are naturally more compassionate and selfless creatures. I asked her to show me proof.

So she ordered me to sleep on the floor.

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."

It's Only A Game?

At the golf course one Sunday, Bernie's about to putt, when a funeral procession turns the corner just off the course and begins to roll by. Bernie straightens up from his putter, takes his hat off, and holds it over his heart. He stands there silently like that, facing the procession, until it pass...

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A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The genie said, "I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?"

The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. "See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in peace" she said. The Genie studied the map. "WTF lady, they've been fighting each other for hundreds of years, th...

Two men are fishing at the river on a bridge.

After a while a funeral procession comes by and walks past them. One of the fishers stands up, takes off his hat and stands silently until the procession has passed.

When he sat down again his friend said: “I didn’t know you were such a religious and compassionate man.”

He answered: “W...

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A man gets on a bus, with both his front pants pockets filled with golf balls

He sit's down next to a beautiful blonde woman.


The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he turns to her & says, “It's golf balls.”

The blonde looked at him compassionately and said: ...

A man is standing in front of a grave

Clutching his hands together, he was crying "Oh why did you die? Oh why did you die?!"

A compassionate man passing by said
"Who was that, your wife?"

The man said "No, my wife's first husband."

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, there was a young man named Done. He was born and raised in the town of Moroccan. Done wasn't very smart, and he was always teased by his peers when he expressed his desire to become a doctor, especially by a disliked and harsh-tempered teacher who would yell at him, "You drive me ...

Bob, Fred and Joe are at the funeral of one of their friends and it gets them thinking about what they'd like people to say about the three of them at their funerals

Bob: When people are looking at me in my coffin at my funeral I want them to say, 'he was caring, he was kind, he was compassionate, he always had time for people, he made everyone feel welcome.'

Fred: When people are looking at me in my coffin at my funeral I want them to say, 'he was a devo...

A man's guide to love and lasting relationships

1. Get a woman who cares for you and is compassionate.
2. Get a woman that knows how to maintain a home.
3. Get a woman that puts out.
4. Get a woman who will stay faithful to you forever.

And, most importantly:
5. Never let those four women meet each other.

Horse walks into a bar

Just wanted to tell you guys about the origin of walks into a bar jokes.

Bartenders are widely known as compassionate men who listen to each man who walks into the bar. So they'd begin with "why the long face?" and make each man speak. But one day a horse walks into the bar and the bartender,...

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Three Dogs Are Sitting in the Vet's Waiting Room

The dogs ask each other what they're in for.

The first dog sadly says, "I just can't help myself when it comes to the mailman. I just get so angry when he walks up to the door that I bit him. Now I'm being put to sleep."

The second dog says, "Oh no, that's terrible. I'm a barker myself...

How NOT to cheer up your overweight girlfriend

My girlfriend was sad one day, and exclaimed "I look like a huge whale".

Being the compassionate caring man that I am, I said "no you don't, you're more like a medium-sized seal".

To my surprise she was not amused, or comforted.

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Dysfunctional Parrot

Jim goes to the pet store, looking to buy a parrot. They’re all pretty expensive except one, which is $20. He asks, “Hm what’s wrong with you?” To his surprise the parrot responds, “Well, I’m a dysfunctional parrot. I have no legs and I can’t fly. But I AM a great companion! I’m fluent in three lang...

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The Head

A man was walking on a beach and found a good spot, and sat down. After a few moments a head of a woman rolled by and stopped next to him.

“Hello I’m Chrissy”

“John” he replied.

“I wonder if you can help me, I’ve been alone all my life and I was wondering if I can sit with you ...

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A blonde a Catholic and a Boy Scout

So a blonde going on vacation, and a Boy Scout on his way to retreat with his father get on a small aircraft with the pilot who is an old and devout catholic.

The pilot sees the Boy Scout is shouldering a large pack and takes it from him, laying it near the door. They all take their seats an...

A British man, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and an American are flying in a small plane oven an ocean.

...And in the middle of their flight, the pilot announces that the plane is losing fuel to a leak, and all unnecessary luggage must be thrown from the plane.

Despite this effort, the fuel leak worsens, and the pilot realizes the plane cannot reach land with its current weight.

He tel...

[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...

The onion joke.

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

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My name is Juan

Juan was the custodian at a local grade school. Everyone loved Juan. He was so sweet and compassionate with the kids and did a wonderful job. One day the principal came up to Juan and said:

“You know Juan, you care about this school so much, maybe you should run for the board of education”...

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