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Three men are walking through the woods when they find an old, battered lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie.

"After all these years, I'm finally free!" the genie booms. "You know what, it's been so long that I'll make an exception and grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars!" In a ...

It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland

As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill -

"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.

There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and th...

The pitcher who held the record for walking batters had a reputation as a tough guy.

Because it took a lot of balls.

What do you call fortifications made to strengthen a battering ram?

Ramifications.

For my sixth cake day I was going to just repost someone elses cake day joke.

But then I thought to myself...

Nah, I'm batter than that!

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George walks up to me he's bruised and battered and covered in blood...

I ask him what the hell happened to him. He says "I'm just walking along, minding my own business and this horse comes out of nowhere and knocks me down." I say "That explains it, let me call you an ambulance." He says "Hold on I haven't finished yet, so I get up, dust myself down and wouldn't you k...

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Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

I attended a self-defence course.

At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."

"I refuse to pay," I told him.

"You have to," he insisted.

"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."

So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, brui...

How many battered wives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just keep putting the broken one back in because it promised things would be different this time.

I just found out there is over 1 million battered women in the United States

and I’ve been eating them plain the whole time.

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What do you call the degree of heat present in a typical japanese dish usually consisting of seafood, meat and vegetables that have been battered and deep fried?

Tempurature.

A good mom let's you lick the batter off the mixer.

A great mom turns off the mixer first.

To your cake batter, slowly stir in the GPU and CPU and sprinkle crushed motherboard. Put in oven on bake.

Once done, serve and enjoy! PC cake.

TIL there are over 20,000 battered women in the U.S. everyday...

I don't know if I can ever go back to eating them plain...

An old ladies dies and goes to heaven...

When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Finally, she sees so...

Box

I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. “What happened to your face?” I asked. “I’m a Paralympian,” he replied. “Boxing?” “No, … hurdles.”

battering rams...

were a real breakthrough at the time

Batman lay battered and bruised on the ground as the joker walked off basking in his victory

Robin approaches Batman and kicks him!

Batman: “why did you do that?”

Robin: “looked like you could use a side kick!”

Whenever I make chocolate chip or blueberry muffins, I make sure one muffin is just batter.

I like to play Muffin Roulette.

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Cakepilation

For my cake day I'm going to repost everything I can think of that fits into the category of cake-related jokes! You've heard them all anyway, who cares?



What did the cake say to the fork? You wanna piece of me?

What do you eat if you 3.142 cakes? You get fat. Pay attention, ...

How does the overlook hotel batter it's chicken?

With bREaD cRUMbs.

An employee at the cookie factory fell into the dough mixing vat.

It looks like he's going to make it, but he was badly battered.

sausage bread will always be by your side

for batter or for wurst

Why was the blonde all battered and bruised after raking leaves?

Because she fell of the tree!

A freshly minted U.S Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan

A freshly minted U.S. Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan. He walks around the base and sees everything is regulation except there’s a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp.

The lieutenant asks one of the men who has been there awhile why there’s a camel. The soldier e...

What do baseball and baking a cake have in common?

It's all about the batter

After the fourth batter was hit in game seven

My wife turns to me and says, they're not very good dodgers.

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My Japanese colleague got really angry today after losing his battered prawns.

He really lost his tempura.

I was watching a baseball game the other day when the pitcher struck out a batter in 3 pitches. The announcer said, "…and he goes down Paul Ryan style". His partner asked, "What makes it Paul Ryan style?" To which he replied…

No balls

Beer battered fish is just so tragic.

That's alcohol abuse!

What's the first thing a woman should do after returning home from the battered women's shelter?

The dishes if she knows what's good for her.

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How Italians talk..

There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.

The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others w...

Battered women...

...sounds delicious. But that doesn't make it right!

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A Rare Dish

This is a long one.

An English cook is trying to build up his skills as a chef. He's been working for years learning all sorts of rare and unique dishes to serve at his mentor's restaurant.

One day a wealthy guest at the restaurant asks to meet the cook and says "While I enjoyed the me...

50,000 battered women

And i still eat mine plain.

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A guy walks into a bar, all battered and bruised...

It looked like he'd just gone 10 rounds with the Klitschko brothers. Blood everywhere.

"God's balls, son, what happened to you?" said the barman.

"Well, I was about to come into the bar when I slipped on a dog turd on the pavement just outside," explained the customer.

"But you'...

Three men went on a hunting trip

They decided to have a bit of a competition and see who could get the largest prize on their own.

The first went out and after a while he brought back a magnificent buck. The others asked in amazement "how did you get it?"

He replied "I found some tracks, I followed the tracks, and bl...

Where do cannibals go to eat deep fried food?

The battered women's shelter

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A prostitute walks into a judge's chamber.

Looking clearly a case of physical assault the judge gave her a seat and asks , "Dear. You look battered. What happened? "

She replied, " I was with one of my clients. We had a really good time and then he thrashed me like this."

The judge asked her to explain what happened with all th...

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A small town Sheriff catches a rapist and con man.

While thrilled that he finally caught the two, he wasn't sure what to do with them as the town jail in need of repairs and he didn't have staff to watch them.

He got the idea of letting the townspeople teach them a lesson and to raise money at the same time.

The next day, he tied the...

Not everything can be replaced...

Bob sees his mate Mike lying, battered and bruised, next to the road sobbing.

He runs over.. "Mike, are you okay?"

"Look at my car!" Mike says through the tears, pointing to the wreck wrapped around a nearby tree.

"Don't cry," Bob says, "you can always get another car."

"...

Have you heard about the fight in the fish and chip shop?

2 fish got battered.

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

Not sure what to do with the leftover pancake mix...

Should I throw it away or do you have a batter idea?

The tale of the blond horse back rider.

A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action.

As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror,...

a man dies and goes to heaven.

he arrives at the gate of heaven and sees 60 people baking stuff. some whisking eggs and some mixing batter. he is confused so before he goes in he asked the gatekeeper;”why are those people cooking instead of enjoying heaven?” the gatekeeper replies;”well they have bad karma from their time on eart...

A survey just out today shows that the most popular coating for deep-fried food is golden breadcrumbs.

I can't believe it's not batter.

A baseball player worked part time at a bakery

His boss told him "Hey batter batter batter"

What do cakes and baseball teams have in common?

They both need a good batter.

It’s the first baseball game of 2020

This was told to me by my 90 year old Grandpa.

It’s the first baseball game of the 2020 season. A father and son are watching the home opener of their favorite team on television. The first batter up to the plate gets hit with the ball and is walked down to first. While at the base, the runn...

Karma works in strange ways.........

My friend invited me on the opening of a charitable organisation for cancer. I sat in the front row and listened to the impressive speeches and had Good Buffet meal at the break. When the rest of the program finished and the Donation Box was being passed around, I sheepishly pulled out an old worn o...

A fight broke out at the seafood restaurant last night

Battered fish everywhere.

An Irish Whaler (Long)

There was once an Irish whaler. Like Ahab, he had a particular nemesis whom he had hunted most of his life. Old and gnarled, he declared one more quest to vanquish his foe before descending into his Mother Earth.

Unlike Ahab however, revenge was not his only motive. This particular whale a...

The Law Enforcement Test

The President wants to know which of the enforcement agencies is the best at convicting criminals so he sets a test for the CIA, FBI and LAPD. He releases a rabbit into the forest and asks them to apprehend it.

The CIA go in first, using drones to scan the trees, paying the other animals for ...

An old accountant had a curious habit

Everyday, just after he arrived in the office, he would take a small and battered yellow envelope from his drawer and peruse attentively the single sheet of paper inside. Then, he would take a glance around the office, smile and nod to himself, and go on with his day normally.

His employees ...

Baseball bet

Two guys are sitting at the bar watching a baseball game when the batter hits a high pop fly to center field.

The first guy says “I’ll bet you $50 bucks he drops it.”

Second guy says “You’re on. That’s an easy play.”

The centerfield proceeds to drop the ball and the second gu...

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An English woman, a French woman and a Russian Woman are talking about sex

English Woman: I just found a way to have fantastic sex with my husband: after he comes back home and takes a shower, i throw away his towel, grab his balls by my hand and i tell him "Harry, your balls are so hot!"

French Woman: And so what? Does it work?

English Woman: If it works? My...

Did you hear about the new women's shelter?

It's called the "Tempura House"

It's for lightly battered women.

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I tried starting a unisex cooking group focused on fried foods

But no one will join me in "The Battered Men & Women's Club"

Paddy had just arrived in New York from Ireland and was invited by one of his American cousins to go to his first baseball game.

Seated in the Yankee Stadium bleachers, he watched as a man swung a
stick, hit a ball and started toward a white bag
down the line. Everyone stood up and yelled,
"Run, run!"
Then a second guy came up to the plate,
whacked the ball and started down toward the
white bag. Everyone sto...

I saw a sign that said "Tempura House Shelter" so I was intrigued and went inside. I asked why it was named so.

They said it was for lightly battered women.

A baseball manager calls up a Chinese rookie from the minor leagues

The player shows up before his first game and goes to take batting practice. The manager sees him walking to the batter's box with a frying pan sitting on his head. He says "You can't wear a frying pan in the batter's box, son. You need a helmet."

The player responds: "This is my lucky frying...

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The Bravest and Fiercest

The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.

The king devised a test. his engineers ...

Why did the fry cook go to jail?

He battered his wife.

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passageway, one that is made at...

Chip shop fight

I got into a fight with a chip shop owner, we were wrestling on the floor and one of his assistents chucked yellow gunk over us, as I got up the owner pushed me and I fell into the fryer and in that moment I knew i'd been battered.

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A fella was up in court

This fella was up in court being charged with murder.

The judge says “You are now being charged with battering your wife to death with a hammer”

A voice from the back of the courtroom shouts “You bastard!”

The judge continues “You are also being charged with battering your daug...

My favorite Clean Joke

A small-town parish priest realizes that he is getting too old to ring the bell in the tower and advertises for a bell ringer. A few days later there's a knock at the door and the priest answers only to discover a man standing there with no arms. "Can I help you?" the priest asks, to which the man ...

There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knight...

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A psychiatrist and a man are touring a mental hospital to see if it would be a good fit for his brother.

They are walking down a hallway when they pass a door the man looks in. Inside there is this young man who his holding his hands up to his stomach, raising his leg and then lunges forwards in a pitching motion. "Oh! Hey! I'm practicing my pitch, I'm going to be a famous pitcher for the Los Angeles D...

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Over the holidays, I'm participating in a pro-life bake sale

We'll be selling cups of uncooked batter and insisting they're actually cupcakes

A kid walks out of the bathroom.

He sees his mom mixing up some cake batter. The kid says " hey mom, can I lick the bowl ? " The mom says "No !! . Flush it like everyone else."

One foggy morning on the border of England and Scotland...

...a Scottish voice came out from within the dense fog.

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen."

The English general stationed at the border took offense and sent down 10 of his soldiers. There were sounds of a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice ...

Cake walks into a bar and orders a drink.

After a while he notices everyone's been staring at him since he walked in the door. He asks the barman, "what's everyone's problem?"

The barman says, "If I were you I'd get the hell out if here... Looks to me like everyone wants a piece of you!"

"That's nothing mate", replies the cake...

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A British woman was touring the United States, and decided to go to a baseball game

She didn't understand the rules, but figured she could learn them by watching everyone else.

In the first inning, a batter hit a grounder and started running to first base. The man seated next to the woman jumped to his feet and shouted, "Run, you sunnuvabitch, run!"

A couple of innin...

Why was the baker arrested?

Excessive salt in batter

What do the Houston Astros and Betty Crocker have in common?

A great selection of batters

A snail was walking down the road when he spots these three heavily built, thuggish turtles following him...

He got scared and quickened his pace, made a few left and right turns to lose them. After 3 hours, quivering and shaking, he looked back and to his dismay they were still following him, and worse they were getting closer.

He was now running for his life as fast as he could, terrified and swea...

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Carl woke up.

It was 1 hour before dawn again. He always woke up early these days.
Carl was a lone survivor. It had been 2 years 3 months and 5 days since the start and he was still going strong, he guessed he was just lucky.

He was down to his last bullet. Ammo had practically run dry about a year ...

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