UPJOKE
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How many battered wives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just keep putting the broken one back in because it promised things would be different this time.

I licked the batter

Everyone at the baseball game was looking at me weird

A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Fina...

When Kanye says “to find out who rules over you, look at who you cannot criticize”, does he mean…

kids with leukaemia? or battered wives?

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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have m...

A good mom let's you lick the batter off the mixer.

A great mom turns off the mixer first.

I Read That There Were 300 Battered Women In America Every Day

And all this time I've been eating them raw.

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Nsfw: just heard a statistic that 33% of women are battered....

Which pisses me off. I've been eating mine raw the entire time.

battering rams...

were a real breakthrough at the time

I just found out there is over 1 million battered women in the United States

and I’ve been eating them plain the whole time.

A woman was being perused by two men.

One was a baker and one was a poet,
She had to make up her mind for batter or verse.

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There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.

The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.

They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all...

It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland

As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill -

"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.

There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and th...

A king sits on his throne. Suddenly, one of his knights enters.

The knight looks so tired he can barely stand. His armour is heavily battered and covered with dust, his sword is notched, his helmet is cracked...

**King**: Dear God, John! What happened to you?

**Knight**: Oh, I've been hard at work lately, Your Majesty. A heavy blow I dealt against ...

Battered women...

...sounds delicious. But that doesn't make it right!

Did you hear about the chef that threw salt in a person's eyes, followed by dumping a bowl of batter over his head?

He was charged with a salt and battering

How does the overlook hotel batter it's chicken?

With bREaD cRUMbs.

What do you call fortifications made to strengthen a battering ram?

Ramifications.

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George walks up to me he's bruised and battered and covered in blood...

I ask him what the hell happened to him. He says "I'm just walking along, minding my own business and this horse comes out of nowhere and knocks me down." I say "That explains it, let me call you an ambulance." He says "Hold on I haven't finished yet, so I get up, dust myself down and wouldn't you k...

After the fourth batter was hit in game seven

My wife turns to me and says, they're not very good dodgers.

The pitcher who held the record for walking batters had a reputation as a tough guy.

Because it took a lot of balls.

Should I mix up this cake batter before I put it in the oven?

Nah I probably shouldn't whisk it

50,000 battered women

And i still eat mine plain.

Beer battered fish is just so tragic.

That's alcohol abuse!

TIL there are over 20,000 battered women in the U.S. everyday...

I don't know if I can ever go back to eating them plain...

What was the chef arrested for?

>!For a salt and batter!<

Whenever I make chocolate chip or blueberry muffins, I make sure one muffin is just batter.

I like to play Muffin Roulette.

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

Why was the blonde all battered and bruised after raking leaves?

Because she fell of the tree!

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A guy walks into a bar, all battered and bruised...

It looked like he'd just gone 10 rounds with the Klitschko brothers. Blood everywhere.

"God's balls, son, what happened to you?" said the barman.

"Well, I was about to come into the bar when I slipped on a dog turd on the pavement just outside," explained the customer.

"But you'...

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George Washington and his men are looking for a place to stay one night after a long fight against the British...

After marching through the woods for some hours, they find a farm. Washington knocks on the door and the farmer answers. Washington says "excuse me sir, I'm sorry to bother you. My men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night?" The farmer look...

Batman lay battered and bruised on the ground as the joker walked off basking in his victory

Robin approaches Batman and kicks him!

Batman: “why did you do that?”

Robin: “looked like you could use a side kick!”

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My Japanese colleague got really angry today after losing his battered prawns.

He really lost his tempura.

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Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

Whats the first thing a woman does when she gets to the battered shelter?

The dishes if she knows whats good for her.

Do you know where Charlie the tuna is now?

In a home for battered fish.

For my sixth cake day I was going to just repost someone elses cake day joke.

But then I thought to myself...

Nah, I'm batter than that!

You guys hear about the fight that broke out at the seafood restaurant?

Battered fish everywhere.

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What do you call the degree of heat present in a typical japanese dish usually consisting of seafood, meat and vegetables that have been battered and deep fried?

Tempurature.

a man walks into a library

and says in a loud voice “can i please order a piece of battered fish, 2 potato cakes and minimum chips”

the librarian replies in a firm but quiet voice ‘Sir, you’re in a library’

the man whispers ‘Sorry, can i please order a piece of battered fish, 2 potato cakes and minimum chips”

Someone told me cake jokes are cheesy.

I'm pretty sure mine's batter.
(attempt at a cake day joke)

A baseball player worked part time at a bakery

His boss told him "Hey batter batter batter"

If meat is murder...

...then is cake battery?

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Two DEA officers were called into their superiors office after an operation didn’t quite go to plan.

Superior: “Gentlemen, do you want to debrief me on this latest raid?”

Officer Jones: “well, sir, as I recall it, first of all I used the battering ram to flatten the door. Then, within a few seconds of getting inside, I found at least 25 ounces of coke and weed all over the coffee table” ...

Scotsman at a Yankees game

So a Scotsman goes on vacation to NYC, and decides to take in a Yankees home game, as he didn't understand baseball and wanted to learn more.

So he settles into his seat and the game starts. In the top of the second inning, he sees the pitcher walk the batter.

The Scotsman, not unders...

During activities I'm like batteries

I'm never included

I signed up to volunteer at a pro-life bake sale

I'll be selling cups of uncooked batter and insisting they're actually cupcakes

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A British woman was touring the United States, and decided to go to a baseball game

She didn't understand the rules, but figured she could learn them by watching everyone else.

In the first inning, a batter hit a grounder and started running to first base. The man seated next to the woman jumped to his feet and shouted, "Run, you sunnuvabitch, run!"

A couple of innin...

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The Bravest and Fiercest

The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.

The king devised a test. his engineers ...

In 1970, Doc Ellis pitched a no hitter on LSD

Which isnt that impressive when you realize the fact that in 1970, all the batters were on LSD as well

A blonde tries to go horseback riding ....

.....
even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the man...

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I was watching a cooking show.

The host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings...


What the fuck is leftover beer?

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An English woman, a French woman and a Russian Woman are talking about sex

English Woman: I just found a way to have fantastic sex with my husband: after he comes back home and takes a shower, i throw away his towel, grab his balls by my hand and i tell him "Harry, your balls are so hot!"

French Woman: And so what? Does it work?

English Woman: If it works? My...

I attended a self-defence course.

At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."

"I refuse to pay," I told him.

"You have to," he insisted.

"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."

So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, brui...

Walk with Pride Laddie

A Scotsman was visiting the U.S. and went to a baseball game. The first batter hit a single and the crowd yelled "Run, run." The second batter hit a double and again the crowd yelled "Run, run."
When the third batter was walked the Scotsman yelled "Run, run Laddie." thinking he was getting t...

sausage bread will always be by your side

for batter or for wurst

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A Scotsman decides to make a trip to America for the first time.

A scotsman decides to make a trip to America for the first time. When he got there he wanted to do the most American thing he could think of so he went to a baseball game. He had never seen the sport played before so didn't really know the rules and was just copying what the crowd was doing. A batte...

What do baseball and baking a cake have in common?

It's all about the batter

Quasimodo is about to ring the bell for 3pm when the rope snaps.

He knows he has to ring it but doesn't know how. Then he has an idea. He takes a big run up and uses his face to ring it. Bloodied and cut he does it again. Battered and bruised he does it one more time, but the bell swings back and knocks him off the tower down to the floor below.

Lying dea...

Not sure what to do with the leftover pancake mix...

Should I throw it away or do you have a batter idea?

I was watching a baseball game the other day when the pitcher struck out a batter in 3 pitches. The announcer said, "…and he goes down Paul Ryan style". His partner asked, "What makes it Paul Ryan style?" To which he replied…

No balls

fish and chips jokes

I don't take anything serious in the newspaper, except for fish and chips.

And even that I take with a pinch of salt.

-----------

Did you hear about the fight outside the local fish and chips shop?

The fish got battered.

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A Scottish man was at a baseball game.

It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached home plate, he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming, "run, run!" This happened two more times, with a single and a triple.

The Scotchman was now exited and ...

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A psychiatrist and a man are touring a mental hospital to see if it would be a good fit for his brother.

They are walking down a hallway when they pass a door the man looks in. Inside there is this young man who his holding his hands up to his stomach, raising his leg and then lunges forwards in a pitching motion. "Oh! Hey! I'm practicing my pitch, I'm going to be a famous pitcher for the Los Angeles D...

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A fella was up in court

This fella was up in court being charged with murder.

The judge says “You are now being charged with battering your wife to death with a hammer”

A voice from the back of the courtroom shouts “You bastard!”

The judge continues “You are also being charged with battering your daug...

A football fan appears in court for battery

The judge says to the fan: So you are very sure you only threw tomatoes at the referee?

The fan: yes, your honour. I'm very sure.

The Judge: Then how do you explain the deep cuts and bruises on the referees face?

(The judge points at the refs battered face.)

The fan: yeah...

Irish man's first baseball game.

An Irish man went to his first American baseball game. As the first batter made a hit, fans jumped up yelling, "RUN! RUN!"

The Irish man jumped up as well yelling, "Run, laddie! Run laddie!"

The next batter got up and made his hit. The fans again cheered, "RUN! RUN!"

The Irish m...

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A man moves out to far west Texas

A man moves out to far west Texas. He is busy at unloading his furniture from the truck he’d rented when he sees a cloud of dust faint on the horizon. After a couple more trips inside it has grown larger, and after about an hour he sees a battered and dusty pickup finally turning up his road, and sp...

There were two avid sailors

who were proud of their well-kept boats (the "Tuning Fork"
and the "Robert Frost", respectively). In all ways they were evenly matched as able sailors except when it came to braiding rope. Not that the Tuning fork’s captain’s braids were deficient, but the other had a flair when it came to bra...

A baseball manager calls up a Chinese rookie from the minor leagues

The player shows up before his first game and goes to take batting practice. The manager sees him walking to the batter's box with a frying pan sitting on his head. He says "You can't wear a frying pan in the batter's box, son. You need a helmet."

The player responds: "This is my lucky frying...

One foggy morning on the border of England and Scotland...

...a Scottish voice came out from within the dense fog.

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen."

The English general stationed at the border took offense and sent down 10 of his soldiers. There were sounds of a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice ...

A survey just out today shows that the most popular coating for deep-fried food is golden breadcrumbs.

I can't believe it's not batter.

Paddy had just arrived in New York from Ireland and was invited by one of his American cousins to go to his first baseball game.

Seated in the Yankee Stadium bleachers, he watched as a man swung a
stick, hit a ball and started toward a white bag
down the line. Everyone stood up and yelled,
"Run, run!"
Then a second guy came up to the plate,
whacked the ball and started down toward the
white bag. Everyone sto...

A Scottish man goes to his first baseball game...

He knows nothing about the game so when the first batter got walked, the Scotsman asked the fans next to him what happened.

"He got four balls, so he gets to go to first base freely," to which the Scotsman stood, and clapping loudly, shouted "Walk proud, lad! Walk proud!"

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A Scottish man goes to his first baseball game...

The Scotsman sits down to enjoy the game and the first pitch is hit and the crowd jumps to their feet and cheers!

The man next to the Scotsman yells "RUN YOU BASTARD RUN!"

so the Scotsman echoes "RUN YOU BASTARD RUN!"

The next batter again makes contact with the pitch.

T...

A Scotsman...

newly immigrated to the U.S. wants to immerse himself in American life, so he goes to a baseball game. He has no clue how it's played, but every time the batter takes off for first base all the people around him yell, "Run! Run!" So he stands up and yells, "Rrrrun, laddie! Rrrrun!"

In the fou...

Where do cannibals go to eat deep fried food?

The battered women's shelter

Have you heard about the fight in the fish and chip shop?

2 fish got battered.

What's a Wife Beaters favorite meal?

Battered Fish and Black Eyed Peas.

An employee at the cookie factory fell into the dough mixing vat.

It looks like he's going to make it, but he was badly battered.

The Case Of The Industrial Fire

The industrial fire had been raging for a few hours and no one was able to stop it. Someone called all the fire stations in the nearby towns, and almost all of them were there within minutes. Despite managing to contain the fire by forming a circle around it, the center was still going strong, with ...

a man dies and goes to heaven.

he arrives at the gate of heaven and sees 60 people baking stuff. some whisking eggs and some mixing batter. he is confused so before he goes in he asked the gatekeeper;”why are those people cooking instead of enjoying heaven?” the gatekeeper replies;”well they have bad karma from their time on eart...

Walk with Pride

A man moves from Scotland to the US and attends his first baseball game. After a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run! Run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman  stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent:  "R-r-r-un, yah bloody bahstard.   R-r-run!...

Lost on the back roads in Vermont

Lost on back roads in Vermont, a tourist collided with a local man at an intersection. He and the local got out to examine their bent fenders.

"Well, don't look like much," observed the local. "Whyn't we just take a little pull to steady our nerves." He grabbed a jug from his battered pickup,...

Troll enter chat

A user enters a chat room for battered women. They immediately type that their husband forces her to lie around on the beach in Tahiti and eat lobster, mahi mahi, crab and shrimp. The new user is flagged by the other battered women with real problems and the mods block this low level troll. The n...

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