Why is calcium vital in the brass instrument manufacturing industry?

Because calcium helps build trombones

Dad joke alert! What is made out of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones.

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The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China

Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.

What adhesive can I use to fix my brass instrument?

A tuba glue

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Brass Section

I've been told different instruments are played better if you have more control over certain parts of your body.

Tubas are played better by those who have more lung control and breathing practice.

Baritones are played better by those with quick and precise tongues.

French Ho...

What do you do with a brass musician, that can't play his instrument properly?

You give him 2 sticks, sit him at the back of the band and tell him, he's a percussionist now.

What if he can't do that either?

You take away one stick, sit him at the front and tell him he's the conductor now.

A man's car breaks down in the middle of a snow storm

While searching for help he finds a temple. The man knocks on the door and an old monk comes and greets him

Man: Hay can you please help, my car broke down in the middle of the snow storm

Monk: Yes of course please come in

The man enters the temple and is given food, water and a...

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A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

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What do you call an erection that plays brass?

A tromboner!

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Why are brass players good in bed?

They know how to tongue, finger, and blow.

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Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.

“What’s that big brass gong for?” asked the friend.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? How’s it work?”
“Watch,” said the drunk. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. Someone on the other side of the wa...

The genie of the lamp

A hipster goes to an antique market where he spots a cool looking brass lamp. It's only $20, so he buys and takes it home.
He spots a black mark on the side so he gets out the brass polish and rubs it to remove the mark. There's a flash and this giant Middle Eastern dude appeares in his lounge. "...

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A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment...

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.



"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.



"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."



"How does it work?"



The guys picks up a hammer, gives the ...

I was Christmas shopping the other day and I saw a brass band, with dribble underneath all of their instruments

Turns out it was the Salivation Army

A tourist driving across rural England decided to stay the night in a small town.

The only place with rooms available was a quaint English pub, The George and Dragon, which had a lovingly painted sign with a Knight beside a defeated dragon blowing in the evening breeze.

Entering the bar room, which while empty had a roaring fire against the back wall, leather padded booths...

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Bancroft was an unimpressive man

he had no viable skills or accomplishments. He has always dreamed of joining the king’s army and becoming a knight but was always rejected as he was too short. He would often complain to his friend, Alcott, about his height. He would repeatedly say, “If only I was taller, I would be able to be a kni...

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Copper instruments make the symphony sounds so much better than brass.

Copper is a much better conductor.

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A man is showing off his new apartment...

After a night at the bar, he brings his friends up, where he has large brass gong and a mallet.

"What's with the gong and mallet?" One of his friends asked.

"It's not a gong, it's a talking clock," the man replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?"

"Yup."

"How's it wor...

Did you hear about the guy busted for smuggling brass instruments?

They charged him with sax trafficking.

Dating brass players

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"

"Nah", the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."

The next night she went out with a tub...

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There once was a guy from madras

Who had balls made of brass

in inclement weather, they’d jangle together,

And lightning would shoot out his ass...

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The Old Jew and the Genie

One day, a very old Jewish man was walking down the street when he encountered a tarnished brass lamp.

As he tried to polish it up with his sleeve, lo and behold a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.

"Master of the lamp, I am able to grant you one wish!" the genie bellows.

The o...

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When Solomon the Wise received the Queen of Sheba at his palace, he needed grand new thrones for him and for her.

So by the power of the Seal of Solomon he summoned *djinn* and he said to them: Craft me a pair of thrones that shall be the wonder of all the ages, exquisite in both materials and workmanship and of a value surpassing all the treasures of the earth. And the *djinn*, bound under the Seal, bowed low ...

The surgeon and his wife.

Heard this in the OR today during surgery.

A middle aged surgeon and his wife are walking along a sandy beach, when they notice a brass lamp protruding from then ground.
The wife picks it up and a genie immediately spouts forth from the lamp. "You each may have 3 wishes", the genie says....

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Some nsfw funnies I remembered

1)

There was a dad whose response was very odd to stuff asked by his son.

S: Can I ride my bike to school?

D: Does your dick touch your asshole?

S: No

D: Well there's your answer

So on and so forth, "Can I date girls?", "Can I smoke?", "Can I skip school tod...

Some guys beat me up with brass knuckles in broad daylight.

It was a pretty brazen act of violence.

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The Brass Rat

A man, visiting San Francisco, noticed a musty curio shop, which seemed to be forgotten by time. It seemed very out of place in the busy city. The man's curiosity was piqued, and he entered the shop. The store didn't seem to have much traffic, and the shelves were full of dusty, but interesting item...

John walks into a bar and sees a strange man in the corner.

This man in the corner was no ordinary man, as this man had a giant orange head. John walks to the bartender and says "Hey, what's up with the guy in the corner with the big orange head?" The bartender replies, "If you buy him a drink, he'll tell you his story." John was very interested in this man,...

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What do you call a dog with brass balls and no hind legs?

Sparky.

Why did brass and steel team-up together during the war?

Because they were alloys.

A young lady is at a home decoration store, and picks out a large mirror with a brass hanger.

The helpful store clerk says, "M'am, you wanna screw for that mirror hanger?"

The girl replies, "No, but I'll blow you for that matching brass end table."

So this frog goes into this Bank

He walks up to the counter and says "I'd like to take out a loan". The bank teller, who's name is Patty, argues with him, saying; "I cant authorize that, you're a frog, you don't have any collateral we can claim against you in the event of you not paying us back". The frog says; "look Patty, my dad ...

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Talking clock

Paddy takes his mates back to see his new flat, and after a few more beers one of the lads asks him about the brass gong hanging on the wall.
Paddy says ‘It’s my speaking clock’
‘How does it work?’ his mate asks.
‘I’ll show you’ says Paddy, and hits it full pelt with a hammer.
A voice fr...

What Do You Call An Arrogant Trumpet Player?

A Brass-Hole

Nice Car!

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes...

My dad CLAIMS to have invented this joke. I think it's too good and don't want to give him credit, but I can't find it online.

This story takes place in 1860. Back 150+ years ago, presidental candidates didn't have nearly the luxuries current candidates do. The didn't stay in five star hotels or travel by private jet - they stayed with normal families on their campaigns and in exchange for a place to stay, would do chores a...

A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet.

He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that ...

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Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo.

The place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice... "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Am...

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The Talking Clock

A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there's a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says "What's that for?" The guy says "That's a talking clock. I'll show you how it works." He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound di...

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Little Billy loved to visit at his uncle’s junkyard

Even though he ran a junkyard, uncle Stu was a very bright man who loved to teach and answer all of his beloved nephew Billy’s questions. Over one particular summer they restored a classic old car. Each step was a learning experience. When a part was rusted, uncle Stu would explain all about the pro...

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This is my favorite joke to tell. A man's car breaks down outside of a monastery.

So a man is driving home from a buisness trip. He has a pretty low paying job, so obviously he doesn't have the best of cars.

After a few hours of driving, he drives past a monastery. That kind with all the monks.

And holy tits, his car breaks down right in front of the monastery.
<...

A genius high school chemistry student takes a test

A genius high school chemistry student takes a test, gets his score back, and is dismayed to find that he missed exactly one question and thus would not be accepted to his University of choice. He is especially bummed because the question he missed was "how many valence electrons does a Hydrogen ato...

There was this musician in North Korea....

One day he was called upon by Kim Jong Un to compose a piece of music and have the Great North Korean Orchestra play it live to him in the Humble Auditorium.

The musician, not wanting to displease the Great Leader, did as he asked and got to work composing a piece of music. One week later, on...

My father wanted me to be a firefighter

So he installed a brass pole from my bedroom to the living room. It didn't work. But my sisters both work at the Catwalk

A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary.

Knowing his wIfe loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.

When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared.

He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.

The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband.

S...

A young couple on holiday was driving through the English countryside

A young couple on holiday was driving through the English countryside when they approached the gates of a monastery. A sign on the gates announced “Public lunch served daily. Fish and chips our speciality.” The couple were quite hungry and, seeing that the noon hour had just passed, they decided to ...

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It's Mr. Simon's last mail delivery after 40 years of dedicated service.

And as he arrives at the last house on his route, the number of gifts and tokens of appreciation in his overbrimming mail cart is pretty damned impressive.

And it's not without a tear in his eye that he flips the front door's brass mail slot to push the last delivery of his professional life ...

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A couple Limericks...

There once was a man from Ireland
With balls made of fine brass
In stormy weather
They clanked together
And sparks shot out of his ass

There once was a man from Calcutta
Who was jerking off in a gutter
The tropical heat
Affected his meat
S...

I saw a shop called Lasting Impressions,

they sell brass knuckles.

4 monks

Years ago, there were 4 monks going through the trials to reach their inner peace. They all excelled to the point of the last test; the test of purity. Each monk had a brass ring precariously hung off their dong. Then, the head monk chose the most beautiful woman from the village to walk naked in fr...

How to start an orchestra

Let's say you've got your woodwinds, strings and brass ensemble to start an orchestra.

However, you realize that you have no percussion and now your dreams of performing a Space Oydessy have been crushed.

A quick fix to not let your dreams be dreams is to buy tons of pillows.

Al...

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A guy walks into a bar carrying a briefcase.

He pulls up a stool at the bar and orders a drink. He opens his briefcase and a tiny little man about a foot tall climbs out, hauls out a tiny little piano behind him, sits down on a little stool and commences playing a flawless Chopin etude. All this time the guy down the bar is staring in amazem...

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Joe's Tavern

A man comes home from the bar, drunk, late one night. Upon entering, he immediately explains to his wife what happened.

"You're never going to believe this, but I was just at a bar where you sit in lounge chairs, beautiful women serve you, and there are brass toilets!"

His wife, thinki...

Three friends were on a desert island

Three friends were on a desert island. They were Roger, a married man, Carl, a famous athlete, and Stevie, the third friend usually alone. One day, while working on their survival, they came across a brass lamp on the ground. They each took turns cleaning it, when all of the sudden a genie came o...

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what do you get when you cross copper and zinc?

brass.

Three friends were on a deserted island...

...when they found a brass lamp. One of them rubbed the lamp, and a genie appeared. "You have freed me, and for that I can grant you each one wish." The first friend was really hungry, so he asked the genie to send him to an iHop. The genie snapped his fingers, and he was sent there. The second frie...

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