How do you get two flutes to play in tune?

Shoot one of them.

How do you get two violins to play in tune? Shoot both of them.

How do you get two altos to sing in tune? It doesn’t matter, nobody’s listening.

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Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils.

One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.



Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.



Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.



"Look," said Mr. Dickson...

The lonely fish

Deep in the bamboo forest, there lived a tiny fish alone in a pond. Every day he swam around the pond in solitude. His little heart longed for a companion. He gradually became incredibly sad, he stopped eating and he started losing the color in his scales. A fairy, passing by, was taken with the pl...

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Bar joke

Man walks into a bar with an octopus, bartender asks him to leave, man says "this is a special octopus and he can play any instrument in the world", bartender says "if thats true not only can you stay but your drinks are free". Man sits down and the bartender passes a flute, sure enough the octopus ...

My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

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What do you call a bar where the saxophonist, trumpet player, and flute player all have sex with each other on stage?

HornPub

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What do a flute and a vampire prostitute have in common?

They both blow sharp.

Ten years ago bought a rare antique flute for $1,000...

It was a sound investment.

An engineer and a machinist are tasked with drilling a hole into a the deck of a ship.

They arrive on site, the engineer confirms the position of the hole, the machinist starts drilling. Before they reach the required depth, oil starts spewing out the flutes of the drill bit -- they've drilled into the oil tank.

"How're we gonna explain this to the boss?" -- asks the machinist....

We've all heard about Russian Roulette but how many of you have heard about Indian Roulette?

They give you a flute and six large deadly cobras.

And one of the cobras is deaf.

My friend made a flute out of a carrot...

It was impressive, and if you gave her some sheet music, she would show you just how well it played.

My other friend, who's a bit competitive, made an oboe out of corn. He said he could play anything by ear.

How does Jared like to play his flute?

In A minor.

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How do you cover 10 holes with one hole?

Take a flute and shove it up your ass.

Why was the man arrested for having his skin flute played?

It was in A-minor

How do you make a flute player a percussionist?

Put another useless stick in their hand.

Two great musicians hated each other

And after years of always being compared to one another, they finally decided to have a duet of guitars to see which was the better player. They carefully selected an audience of musical experts, and with that they played.

After a fifteen minutes duet, the vote was cast. Amazingly, the result...

A middle school band director named Joe is having trouble instructing his students to play their instruments.

One girl is being extremely difficult and cannot play the flute to save her life. Finally he walks over to her and hits her in the head with her flute, killing her. She dies instantly and he is sentenced to death by electrocution. The warden asks what he would like his last meal to be. Joe says "I'd...

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What's the difference between a flute and a prostitute?

Nothing, they both get fingered and are never cheap.

I went to see a friend from a very rich family. The maid approached me and asked...

MAID: -What would you like to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?

ME: -Tea pls.

MAID: -Ceylon Tea, Indian Tea, Herbal Tea, Kericho Gold Tea, Bush Tea or Green Tea?

ME: -Ceylon Tea pls.

MAID: -How do you want it, black or white?...

A musician walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

"I play flute in a travelling orchestra" he said. "Last month, we played for the Ottoman sultan. He liked our performance and ordered to fill our instruments with sapphires. The cello got 1000 sapphires in, the drum got 2000 sapphires in, this piece of ...

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A Teacher asks the students..

‟Is it possible to insert 2 holes through one hole?”

Nobody is able to answer

Teacher: ‟You guys are so stupid. Go and ask your parents and come back tomorrow with an answer.”

The next day too, nobody is able to answer the question.

Teacher: ‟Well, it seems your parents a...

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A man goes duck hunting at a local pond, he feels the need to relieve himself...

so he leans his shotgun up against a tree and starts to take a whiz, when suddenly a strong gust of wind comes along, and knocks the gun over. The weapon goes off and shoots birdshot into the man's penis.

Later, at the hospital, the doctor gives him the news: "I'm afraid your penis sustained...

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A guy is lying on his bed naked, watching TV.

His girlfriend walks in and starts smacking him on the ass.
“What are you doing?” he asks her.
“I always wanted to learn to play the bongos,” she quips.
He replies, “Wait, let me roll over and I’ll teach you how to play the flute.”

There once was a gal named Lewinsky...

Who played music like a Stravinsky.
"Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef.
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski.
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem ...

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A guy walks into a bar with an octopus

He tells the bartender “I bet you a night of free drinks that my octopus can play any instrument you give it.” Bartender says “you’re on,” and goes into the back. He comes back with a flute, and tosses it at the octopus. It takes the octopus a second but he starts playing the flute. Bartender frown...

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Negligent Discharge

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was a...

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Rolls Royce and a Mini

A Rolls Royce and a Mini pull up at the lights together. The guy in the Mini looks at the guy in the Rolls Royce and presses a button to lower his window. The guy in the Rolls Royce smiles and presses the button for his window to go down and with beautiful precision the window smoothly rolls down. ...

So there was an angry band director...

His band wasn’t super good, but they managed. One day, they were rehearsing, when a flute player messes up a part. They keep messing it up, and he gets so frustrated he stabs the flautist to death with his baton.
He goes to prison, and gets sentenced to death by electric chair. Before he goes in...

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A salesman comes knocking...

After a fair bit of time and some noises that sounded like stumbling about, the door opens.

Coming from the house was loud jazz flute music and the distinct smell of weed.

The salesman looked down to see a kid standing impatiently at the door with what looked to be an exhausted meth-h...

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Shotgun to the Crotch

Lem and Ephis are out hunting. They take a break to take a squirt in the woods when one of the dogs knocks over one of the shotguns. The gun goes off and hitting Ephis directly in the crotch.

Ephis screams in pain!

"Oh my God, Ephis!" says Lem, "We're going to have to get you to see ...

3 Instruments are Catching Up

School is back in for the fall and 3 instruments are sharing their musical journey through the Summer.

The saxophone says, "I got to go to New Orleans and play with a real jazz band."

The guitar says, "I went to Mexico and played music so beautiful that the audience threw roses on the ...

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The Hunting accident

While out on a hunting expedition, a man is climbing over a fallen tree when his shotgun goes off, hitting him straight in the groin. Rushed to hospital , he awakes from the anaesthetic to find the surgeon has done a marvellous job repairing his damaged member. As he dresses to go home, the surgeon ...

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Shipwrecked

So a guy is involved in a shipwreck, and manages to swim to a deserted island. He's there for three years, living on coconuts and crabs.

Then one day a barrel floats ashore. The top pops off the barrel, and a woman climbs out.

"Oh my god!" says the guy.

"Wow," says the woman. "I...

What’s a priests favourite song?

Magic flute in a minor

Did you hear about the musician that was put on death row?

It's said that he is gonna be exefluted.

A Tutor Who Tooted

A tutor who tooted the flute 

Tried to tutor two tooters to toot 

Said the two to the tutor 

“Is it tougher to toot 

Or to tutor two tooters to toot?”

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Meta: Reverse Punchline Challenge

Hey /r/Jokes, I thought it might be interesting to see just how good we are at actually making jokes from unfunny situations. As such, I thought a good challenge might be to provide a few randomly thought up punchlines that *you* the subreddit construct the lead-up/joke to. Highest rated comment wou...

What’s a band conductor’s favorite cereal?

Flute loops.

I kinda stole this

The worst part about liking classical music is when you forget the name of a piece and you can't google the lyrics because there are none

⚠️ No Results For "there was a really good bit with a flute"

During the Revolutionary War...

During the Revolutionary war Jim volunteered to fight against the British. There was one problem though, he was too old to fight effectively on the battlefield and as a result decided to put his musical skills to use and played the flute to direct troop movements. Everything went well until one day,...

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Man in desperate need for a pee

A man is caught short on the high street, in desperate need of a piss. He finally finds a public toilet and rushes in. He see's there are 3 urinals, the left and right are taken so he bounds for the one in the middle.
But as he begins to pee, it doesn't come out as uniformly as expected, but inst...

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Saw an Iranian joke and I want to share my favorite.

An ensemble of musicians is auditioning for a caliph's court. After the ensemble is ushered in, they perform a beautiful set lasting approximately an hour, complete with long improvisations. The caliph is very pleased and says, "Servants! I order you to fill these men's music instruments with pricel...

A symphony is preparing for a concert.

The crowds eagerly await this outdoor performance of the Hallelujah Chorus. However, it's the middle of June, and the heat is terrible. All the flutes, trumpets, and tubas are out of tune. The choir is miserable and sweaty.

Ultimately, they're forced to cancel the performance. It was simply t...

An Orchestra in Albuquerque in July

A travelling orchestra had planned on being in Albuquerque in January and Minneapolis in July. However, their manager got the dates wrong and the group ended up doing a three-day run in an outdoor theater in Albuquerque in the middle of the July heat. The event was exhausting and by the third night,...

A small city is over run with pigeons.

The mayor has exhausted all the city's resources but nothing seems to be working on the pigeons.

A lone man walks into the office and tells the mayor he can get ride of all the pigeons free of charge. His only stipulation is that the mayor cannot ask him any questions. If anyone ask the man e...

Terminator walks into a police station

He opens the first office and two police officers stand there mouths open. They reach for their pistols, but the Terminator opens his mouth and out shoots the sound of ear piercing violins. The police officers drop their pistols and clench their hands against their ears, but it's too much, their hea...

Just some jokes about musicians.

How do you know the stage at a concert is level?
Drool is coming out of both sides of the drummers mouth.

What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?
Homeless.

What do floutists eat for breakfast?
Flute loops.

How do you tune three oboeists?
Shoot 2 of them.
...

My wife is kind of lazy

We were watching an item on the news yesterday, about a wheelchair-bound quadriplegic who could play the (specially adapted) flute beautifully.

"Oh my god." She said, tears welling in her eyes, "I'd love to be able to do that."

"What, play the flute?" I asked.


"No, sit down ...

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Two buddies go duck hunting...

Two buddies go duck hunting. They had been hunting for a while when one had to take a dump. So he leans his shotgun up against a fence and goes over to take care of business. Suddenly a strong gust of wind comes along. It blows his shotgun over and it accidentally discharges and shoots him right in ...

A teacher asks his students

Teacher- Is it possible to insert two holes in a hole? ;)

Students- No sir... :/

Teacher:- Think about it today and tell me tomorrow, you may take help of your parents. :)

Next day, no student could come up with an answer.

Teacher- Oh! even your parents couldn't help y...

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