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My Best Friend Decided To Play The Tuba in Highschool

He was just really into heavy metal

How do you fix a broken tuba ?

With a tuba glue.

George comes home to his apartment, drunk as a skunk, and says to his roommate Ted, "I just visited Joe's Tavern. It's the best one I ever visited. It even had a solid gold toilet!"

"Cool!" says Ted. He is so excited, he calls up Joe's Tavern. "My roommate told me all about your solid gold toilet!" he says.

"What?" sputters Joe the bartender on the other line. "We don't have a solid gold toilet!"

Ted hangs up the phone. "You must have been drunkenly mistaken," he ...

SCUBA is an acronym for "Self contained underwater breathing apparatus". Tuba is also an acronym.

It stands for "terrible underwater breathing apparatus"

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down at the counter and starts getting himself really good and drunk. Like, properly pissed. After a while, he feels a certain heaviness in his colon, so he calls over the bartender.

"'Scuse me," he asks blearily. "Where's the bathroom?"

"Oh, it's right down the hall!" the bart...

How many tuba players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five, One to screw in the light bulb and four to complain that it's too high.

Somewhere right now, maybe Mexico or Bavaria, there is a tuba player telling his girlfriend..

\- "No, Baby, don't say 'Daddy,' it's 'Oom Pa-Pa'"

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Sorry, tuba players...

A father decides to put his son in a music class. The teacher assigns him the tuba and the dad goes home, leaving his kid there.

When the child comes home, the dad asks "What did you do today?"

The child said "I learned how to play the C Note!"

The next day, the dad asks "What ...

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Accordion and tuba duo

A party planner has organized a huge new year's eve party. At the last minute, the band he hired has to pull out because of death in the family. The planner is totally stressed out because he has 500 partiers and no band.

On December 30 he contacts the only local band that was avaliable, a du...

I realized I left my tuba in the car with the doors unlocked...

I raced back as quick as I could and sure enough when I looked inside, there were two tubas.

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A series of tuba jokes

What is a tuba for?

1 1/2" x 3 1/2".

How do you fix a broke tuba?

With a tuba glue.

What do you call ten tubas at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

What do you call an arrogant tuba player?

A brasshole.

What's the difference between God an...

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A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"

Patient: Doctor, I was playing my kazoo and I swallowed it!

Doctor: Thank goodness you're not a tuba player

Two drunks are in a bar

First one says to the other: “do you know they have golden toilets here?”

Second drunk says: no way! You’re drunk and making stuff up.

Drunk 1: I swear, go check it out. End of the hallway, second door on the left.

Drunk 2 comes back from checking it out and says: I knew you we...

What is a tuba for?

1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request "full cut."

A duck walks into a pub

And waddles up to the bar with a newspaper under his wing and says

"I'll take a tuna sandwich and a coffee."

Now at first the bartender was a little taken aback because afterall how often do you see a talking duck? But being a good host he obliges his patron and serves up a tuna san...

What do you call tuba section with only one tuba?

A oneba

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Golden toilet

One night, a wife is up late waiting for her husband to come home.
''Where have you been?'' she asks him when he walks in the door.
''Oh honey, you wouldn't believe it. I went to this new bar called the Golden Bar. It had gold ashtrays, gold stools, gold cups, and even gold toilets,'' replie...

It's my cake day and I don't know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid

1. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer = A stick.

2. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Answer = Thunderwear.

3. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Answer = Dill with it.

4. What time is it when the...

My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 3 AM!

Can you believe that?


Lucky for him I was still up playing the tuba.

What type of instrument do you find in the bathroom?

A tuba toothpaste

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The Golden Toilet

Dugly goes out drinking one night and gets blackout drunk. He wakes up the next morning to find that he has lost his credit card. He needs to get it back but he got so drunk he doesn’t remember which bar he ended up at. The only thing he remembers is that the bar had a golden toilet.

He walks...

me: Can I play some music?

**uber driver:** Yeah, sure.

**me *[pulling out my tuba]*:** Do u like veggie tales?

Dating a French Horn player

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"

"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."

The next night she went out with a tub...

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A guy wakes up on New Year's with a hangover and partial blackout.

He says to his wife, "Jesus, I can't even remember where we were last night. I keep thinking that there was a golden toilet bowl."
His wife says, "We were at the Johnson's. And Bill's pretty upset that you shit in his tuba."

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NFSW A young man had made up his mind to become a lumberjack. So he takes all his tree falling equipment to a lumberjack camp in Quebec.

On his first day he does very well. Keeping up with the other lumberjacks all day.

When the evening meal came, he joined the circle sitting around the campfire, eating the standard
woodsmen's fare; beans & black coffee.

Around the middle of their meal one of the largest lumberj...

Accordion to one study people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument

But I don’t believe that tuba true.

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An electrician comes home to his wife after working a job at a millionaires house...

He says to his wife “honey you will not believe this, the house I worked at today had a golden toilet.”

She says “Really? I need to see this.”

They take a ride across the neighborhood and pull up in front of a huge house.

The electrician knocks on the door, a woman answers and ...

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A man walks into a bar

and really needs to shit, he asks the bartender to use the bathroom and is given directions. He walks in and sees a regular toilet and a gorgeous golden one. So the man plops down on the golden one and has the most glorious shit he's ever had.

The next day he goes into the same bar and does ...

Getting the gig.

There was a last-minute New Year’s Eve gig that opened up, that was taken by a tuba player and a banjo player.

They rocked the house all night, and when the gig was ending, the host asked if they would do the gig the following year.

The banjo player said, “ We’d LOVE to!!! … Can we lea...

I want to start a all brass quartet with a lumber theme.

I’ll call it the tuba four.

One night, a man got a little drunk...

One night, a man went to a bar. He got a little bit tipsy (he was smashed) and realized that he desperately had to use the bathroom. He walked up to the women at the bar and slurred out the words, "Excuse me, where is your nearest restroom."

The women advised him, "It's right down that hall ...

A message to the moon

About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits....

There's a new website that hosts videos of people playing brass instruments.

YouTuba.

My friends and I were putting together a musical score for a production of Hamlet

Tuba or no tuba, that was the question

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A man is at a party drunk out of his mind

A man goes to a party and starts drinking heavily. After a couple hours he realizes he needs to shit. Badly. He starts stumbling around and asks his friend where the bathroom was, and he says "it's upstairs down the hall on the left, but be careful not to mess the room up it's a little fancy." With ...

Some musician related jokes

Why can't a clarinet player keep a girlfriend? Whenever they start talking dirty, his voice cracks.

Why can't a French horn player keep a girlfriend? Whenever they start making out, his hand goes to the wrong place.

What do you call a euphonium player who isn't part of a military band?...

Arnold Schwarzenegger plays the sousaphone.

"Hey. Nice tuba."

"IT'S NOT A TUBA!"

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The Golden Toilet

One night, Bob went out with his friends. The group went to about 5 different bars, and he drank a lot.

Like any normally functioning person, he really had to go near the end of the night. He quickly asked the bartender where the bathroom was.

"Down the hall, last door on the left," re...

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A guy walks into a bar ...

He sits down and over the course of a few hours, proceeds to get good and hammered. He eventually asks the bartender, "which way to the bathroom?"

"Second door on the right", comes the reply.

The man, too drunk to count to two, proceeds one door too far and finds himself in a room wi...

Shakespeare was planning on making Hamlet into a musical, but there was one instrument he was undecided on

Tuba, or not tuba, that is the question.

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One more from the 85 year old shriner to get you smiling into the weekend.

A man came home late at night drunk. His wife was waiting up worried. She sees he has gold glitter on him. She suspects he was at a strip club so she asks "Where the hell have you been?”

He says, "The Golden Bar that just opened up. They have golden chairs, golden glasses, everything is gold!...

In 1952 the New York Philharmonic was on a national tour...

...and on their way home from the west coast when their flight was grounded in Kansas due to bad weather.

It had been a long tour and tensions had been running high. A first violin player was a wreck from excessive alcohol consumption, the trumpet section engaged in much infighting due to com...

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Face the Music

A man is walking around the streets of the city one day when he spies an old friend of his from college.

"George!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"

"Well," George replies. "I am the Clarinet player for the International Orchestra."

"Spectacular!" the...

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A lover of the orchestra

A woman is in a hospital, with some teeth missing and a swollen lip. Her friend comes to visit.

“Oh my god, what happened?”

“One of the guys I hooked up with from the orchestra.”

“That’s terrible, I’m so sorry. Was it the trumpet player? I always thought he was a dick.”

...

Band Jokes!

I'm a band geek and love terrible band jokes. Here are some of my favorites!

How do you get two piccolos to play in tune? Shoot one.

What is the best use for a clarinet? Kindling.

What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower? You can tune a lawn mower.

What...

The Bar with the Golden Toilet

A guy is recounting his previous night's drunken adventure to his buddy.

"I'm telling ya man. This is the best bar in the whole city. Every Friday night they have all you can drink specials for $2. And the best part... a sorority house is right next door and the place is just filled with youn...

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A man and his wife went to a fancy dinner party at a friend’s estate...

...while there, the husband, feeling the luxurious meal, embarks on a journey to the restroom. After a good bit of time he returns and his wife begins to ask if he is feeling alright.

Interrupting, he enthusiastically describes “the most beautiful, wonderful toilet anybody has ever seen! Made...

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The Golden Toilet

A guy was invited to this lush party by his boss, a very wealthy man. He is very excited as he was born an raised poor and in poverty and had never been to a formal party before. He borrows a tux from a friend and heads to the party. The booze was flowing free of charge so the guy has more than h...

The Legend of the Man Who Went on Vacation to New Orleans

It can be assumed that the man had gone to many, many bars that night. By the time he had entered his fifth bar, he was definitely drunk.

The man decided that it was about time to use the bathroom, so he approached the bartender and asked the bartender politely, "Exchuze me... whre kn-I take...

What instrument does the uterus play?

The fallopian tuba.

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are watching an orchestra

All of a sudden, a high- pitched trumpet was heard. The auditorium went silent. Holmes whispered to Watson,"who do you think played the wrong note?"


"I think it was the tuba player", Watson replied.


"How do you figure that?", asked Holmes, confused.


"Why, the man fa...

A symphony is preparing for a concert.

The crowds eagerly await this outdoor performance of the Hallelujah Chorus. However, it's the middle of June, and the heat is terrible. All the flutes, trumpets, and tubas are out of tune. The choir is miserable and sweaty.

Ultimately, they're forced to cancel the performance. It was simply t...

The music composer at my school is suffering from Cancer.

He's in the hospital being fed through a tuba.

When I was a kid, I had to quit the marching band based on my religious principles.

I was a real tuba leaver back then.

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Joe's Tavern

A man comes home from the bar, drunk, late one night. Upon entering, he immediately explains to his wife what happened.

"You're never going to believe this, but I was just at a bar where you sit in lounge chairs, beautiful women serve you, and there are brass toilets!"

His wife, thinki...

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