me: Can I play some music?

**uber driver:** Yeah, sure.

**me *[pulling out my tuba]*:** Do u like veggie tales?

How do you talk to a tuba player?

Euphonium.

Two teenagers, Liam and Noah were sitting outside on a bench after school...

...Liam looked at Noah.

"Yo dude, did you do anything fun this weekend?"

Noah replied," Not really, how about you?"

"Oh man, I was at Joe's house for a party last night and he had toilet bowls made of pure gold, You wouldn't believe it!"

"No way dude, that's impossible, ...

Shakespeare was planning on making Hamlet into a musical, but there was one instrument he was undecided on

Tuba, or not tuba, that is the question.

A long time ago a man was walking around the streets of Vienna...

...when he spied an old friend of his. "Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"

"Well," Boris replied, "I am the piccolo player for an International Orchestra."

"Spectacular!" the man replied.

"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for ...

How do you fix a broken Sousaphone??

With a Tuba glue

In 1952 the New York Philharmonic was on a national tour...

...and on their way home from the west coast when their flight was grounded in Kansas due to bad weather.

It had been a long tour and tensions had been running high. A first violin player was a wreck from excessive alcohol consumption, the trumpet section engaged in much infighting due to com...

What adhesive can I use to fix my brass instrument?

A tuba glue

A symphony is preparing for a concert.

The crowds eagerly await this outdoor performance of the Hallelujah Chorus. However, it's the middle of June, and the heat is terrible. All the flutes, trumpets, and tubas are out of tune. The choir is miserable and sweaty.

Ultimately, they're forced to cancel the performance. It was simply t...

Why don't you want to take a tuba player on a pub crawl?

They're always three bars behind.


*I came up with this during band practice. Feel free to replace with instrument of your choice.

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Brass Section

I've been told different instruments are played better if you have more control over certain parts of your body.

Tubas are played better by those who have more lung control and breathing practice.

Baritones are played better by those with quick and precise tongues.

French Ho...

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A man walks into a bar

and really needs to shit. He asks the bartender to use the bathroom and is given directions. He walks in and sees a regular toilet and a gorgeous golden one. So the man plops down on the golden one and has the most glorious shit he's ever had.
The next day he goes into the same bar and does it ag...

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A guy goes out and gets blackout drunk..

He wakes up the next day and realizes he lost his wallet.

All he can remember about the bar was the red door out front and the golden toilet in the back.

He goes to every bar in town until he finds one with a red door.

He goes in and asks the bartender, “hey man I got really ...

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An electrician comes home to his wife after working a job at a millionaires house...

He says to his wife “honey you will not believe this, the house I worked at today had a golden toilet.”

She says “Really? I need to see this.”

They take a ride across the neighborhood and pull up in front of a huge house.

The electrician knocks on the door, a woman answers and ...

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I am outraged at the current state of video games

My son, who is eight years old, recently showed me his new “flute-em-up” game, tuba raider, and I am outraged at the amount of violins in it. Later, he asked me for GTAV (Great Tambourines And Violins) and I was horrified when I saw it had a sax scene with a prostitute and you could even do drums. D...

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A man and his wife went to a fancy dinner party at a friend’s estate...

...while there, the husband, feeling the luxurious meal, embarks on a journey to the restroom. After a good bit of time he returns and his wife begins to ask if he is feeling alright.

Interrupting, he enthusiastically describes “the most beautiful, wonderful toilet anybody has ever seen! Made...

What is a tuba for?

1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request "full cut."

How do you tune a Jedi tuba?

Use the fourth.

Dating a French Horn player

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"

"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."

The next night she went out with a tub...

How many tuba players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five, One to screw in the light bulb and four to complain that it's too high.

What do you call tuba section with only one tuba?

A oneba

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The Golden Toilet

Dugly goes out drinking one night and gets blackout drunk. He wakes up the next morning to find that he has lost his credit card. He needs to get it back but he got so drunk he doesn’t remember which bar he ended up at. The only thing he remembers is that the bar had a golden toilet.

He walks...

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A lover of the orchestra

A woman is in a hospital, with some teeth missing and a swollen lip. Her friend comes to visit.

“Oh my god, what happened?”

“One of the guys I hooked up with from the orchestra.”

“That’s terrible, I’m so sorry. Was it the trumpet player? I always thought he was a dick.”

...

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Beating up band nerds with witty comebacks

*Impales Flutist* "Must be flute poisoning"

*Bludgeons French Horn Player* "Am I making you horny?"

*Throws Tuba player off cliff* "Tu...bad"

The Legend of the Man Who Went on Vacation to New Orleans

It can be assumed that the man had gone to many, many bars that night. By the time he had entered his fifth bar, he was definitely drunk.

The man decided that it was about time to use the bathroom, so he approached the bartender and asked the bartender politely, "Exchuze me... whre kn-I take...

I realized I left my tuba in the car with the doors unlocked...

I raced back as quick as I could and sure enough when I looked inside, there were two tubas.

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A man is at a party drunk out of his mind

A man goes to a party and starts drinking heavily. After a couple hours he realizes he needs to shit. Badly. He starts stumbling around and asks his friend where the bathroom was, and he says "it's upstairs down the hall on the left, but be careful not to mess the room up it's a little fancy." With ...

The Bar with the Golden Toilet

A guy is recounting his previous night's drunken adventure to his buddy.

"I'm telling ya man. This is the best bar in the whole city. Every Friday night they have all you can drink specials for $2. And the best part... a sorority house is right next door and the place is just filled with youn...

I just don't understand kids. My kid says he wants to play heavy metal. So why's he so mad at me?

I bought him one of the best tubas money can buy!

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A guy walks into a bar ...

He sits down and over the course of a few hours, proceeds to get good and hammered. He eventually asks the bartender, "which way to the bathroom?"

"Second door on the right", comes the reply.

The man, too drunk to count to two, proceeds one door too far and finds himself in a room wi...

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Sorry, tuba players...

A father decides to put his son in a music class. The teacher assigns him the tuba and the dad goes home, leaving his kid there.

When the child comes home, the dad asks "What did you do today?"

The child said "I learned how to play the C Note!"

The next day, the dad asks "What ...

The music composer at my school is suffering from Cancer.

He's in the hospital being fed through a tuba.

Some musician related jokes

Why can't a clarinet player keep a girlfriend? Whenever they start talking dirty, his voice cracks.

Why can't a French horn player keep a girlfriend? Whenever they start making out, his hand goes to the wrong place.

What do you call a euphonium player who isn't part of a military band?...

Band Jokes!

I'm a band geek and love terrible band jokes. Here are some of my favorites!

How do you get two piccolos to play in tune? Shoot one.

What is the best use for a clarinet? Kindling.

What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower? You can tune a lawn mower.

What...

A message to the moon

About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits....

When I was a kid, I had to quit the marching band based on my religious principles.

I was a real tuba leaver back then.

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One more from the 85 year old shriner to get you smiling into the weekend.

A man came home late at night drunk. His wife was waiting up worried. She sees he has gold glitter on him. She suspects he was at a strip club so she asks "Where the hell have you been?”

He says, "The Golden Bar that just opened up. They have golden chairs, golden glasses, everything is gold!...

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Joe's Tavern

A man comes home from the bar, drunk, late one night. Upon entering, he immediately explains to his wife what happened.

"You're never going to believe this, but I was just at a bar where you sit in lounge chairs, beautiful women serve you, and there are brass toilets!"

His wife, thinki...

What instrument does the uterus play?

The fallopian tuba.

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The Golden Toilet

A guy was invited to this lush party by his boss, a very wealthy man. He is very excited as he was born an raised poor and in poverty and had never been to a formal party before. He borrows a tux from a friend and heads to the party. The booze was flowing free of charge so the guy has more than h...

Accordion and Tuba Duo

A party planner has organized a huge new year's eve party. At the last minute, the band he hired has to pull out because of death in the family. The planner is totally stressed out because he has 500 partiers and no band.

On December 30 he contacts the only local band that was avaliable, a ...

One night, a man got a little drunk...

One night, a man went to a bar. He got a little bit tipsy (he was smashed) and realized that he desperately had to use the bathroom. He walked up to the women at the bar and slurred out the words, "Excuse me, where is your nearest restroom."

The women advised him, "It's right down that hall ...

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The Golden Toilet

One night, Bob went out with his friends. The group went to about 5 different bars, and he drank a lot.

Like any normally functioning person, he really had to go near the end of the night. He quickly asked the bartender where the bathroom was.

"Down the hall, last door on the left," re...

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