Bronze Jokes - 68 Hilarious Bronze Jokes

Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!

Husband- "Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!"

Wife- "Olympic style condoms, what makes them so speical?"

Husband- "They come in 3 colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze."

Wife- "Oo, sweet. What color are you gonna wear tonight?"

Husband- "Gold ofc!"
...

I have the body of a bronze god

It just happens to be Buddha

Before the Bronze Age...

people who came in third place were just called losers.

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course...

The 2000 Chinese women's gymnastics team had to surrender their bronze medal after it was discovered that Dong Fangxiao was younger than the minimum age of 16.

They would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for those medalling kids.

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

...

What’s your name? When did you get here? Do you want copper, bronze or tin?

Justin.

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Why is having sex with a lump of bronze considered incestuous?

Because you're still fucking a CuSn

I entered the world kleptomaniac championship tournament

I took gold, silver and bronze.

Why did the bronze medallist not go on a second date with the gold medallist?

He was two forward.

Between the Stone Age and the Bronze Age, there was The Copper Age...

Back then, people really knew how to conduct themselves...

Oscar Pistorius won eight medals in the Paralympics. Six gold medals, a silver medal, and a bronze medal.

But he will always feel de-feeted.

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When the Romans Conquered Britain

In the mid 1st century CE one of the problems they did not anticipate was the rampant fraud being conducted in the bronze trade. Tradesmen who shaped the metal would buy it from merchants who bought it from the miners in the form of bars of bronze, already mixed from copper and tin.

The...

2020 Olympic high jump results

Gold - Mexico

Silver - Mexico

Bronze - Mexico

AD 1147, A king decides to join other monarchs on Crusade in the Holy Land

He readies his army and appoints a regent to rule in his absence, then consults with his chamberlain to put his personal affairs in order.
"Most importantly, he concluded, I entrust you with this." handing the chamberlain a small bronze key. "If I should fall in battle you must give this to the ...

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Ive been told I'm not ambitious enough....

I've been told I'm not ambitious enough.

If only there was an olympic sport for being a lazy bastard.

That bronze medal would be mine.

Three military wives were at the base PX in Fort Hood fighting over the last toaster on the shelf. The first one says "My husband came back from Afghanistan with a Purple Heart and a Bronze Star. I deserve it."

The second one says "No. My husband came back from Afghanistan with a Purple Heart, a Bronze Star, and the Congressional Medal of Honor. I deserve it."

The third one says "Well, my husband came back from Afghanistan in a body bag. NOW GET YOUR MITTS OFF THAT TOASTER!"

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Spectre pool party

So Blofeld is holding a pool party for Spectre. There is the usual laughing, drinking, catalogues of secret weapons and torture devices etc.

And Blofeld announces “for entertainment tonight I am offering a million dollars for anyone who will swim across my swimming pool full of man-eating ...

19 Year anniversary

The traditional gift for 19 years is bronze, so I gave her a 3rd place trophy for best wife..... We might not make it to China

The Chinese Curio Shop

A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it He took it to the old shop owner and as...

If having low confidence and low self-esteem was an Olympic sport...

I would probably get bronze.

A tourist wandering through the back alleys of San Francisco’s Chinatown finds his way into an antique store

A bronze statue of a rat catches his eye, and he asks for its price.

“The rat costs twelve dollars,” the shopkeeper says, “and it will be a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.”

The tourist, being a shrewd American, pays for the rat, telling the old man he can keep hi...

Somalia swept the Olympic sailing podium

They earned gold, silver, and bronze despite starting the event with one entry

Harry & Hermione go to Hogsmeade

Since school had started back up in September, hogsmeade visits once again became something to look forward to.

There was the 2nd week of September and then, luckily, one on Hermione's Birthday, just in time to buy her something nice.

Things the next month were the same as usual; Harry...

What do you call a metal basketball player?

LeBronze

I just competed in the suntanning olympics

but I only got bronze.

My friend went into a suntanning competition but it was rigged

Because all the contestants got bronze

Hear about the blonde who won a gold medal in the Olympics?

She had it bronzed.

It's summer 2022

The war has ended as Putin saw all celebrities singing "Imagine" and he promptly got his troops back to Russia. The first tourist arriving at Kyiv Airport and visiting the capital city under reconstruction. When they exit the airport, the first thing they see is a statue of the fallen soldiers, the ...

I take part in the sun tan competition every single year.

Why do I never get better than bronze!

A man went to a conference in a rural town. On the way back, his car broke down.

Looking around, he saw a monastery sitting on a hill. He decided to ask to stay the night. The monks were welcoming and gave him a room to stay in. In the middle of the night, the man woke to hear strange, beautiful, haunting music. It captivated him. He lay still, crying for the whole hour in which...

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A Russian moves to America

(Mild swearing at the end)

A young man from the depths of Siberia, Dmitri, moves to America hoping to start a new life. He buys a nice apartment, lives comfortably and integrates himself into the community, as a fine, upstanding citizen of New York.

6 or 7 months later, his old friends...

A man goes to see a doctor about a gas problem he's been having for awhile.

The Doctor's office is in the old market section of town and the man is impressed with the old marble walls, bronze accents and the tall, paned windows with hinged transom windows above them.

The doctor asks, "what's the trouble"?

The man say, "Well, I have this frrrrt gas problem. I ...

I took part in the sun tanning Olympics

...I got the bronze

One day, a guy went into a store,

One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing. He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it, and so he did.

The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him. ...

Sean Bean is the Narrator for Civilization VI

So I guess he dies after the Bronze Age or ...?

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That reminds me - one time I accidentally masturbated on a classy guy while he was sunbathing,

but I didn’t mean to get off on a tangent.

French archaeologists found ancient copper cables under Paris...

They came to the conclusion that the French had telecommunications way back in the Copper age. Infuriated by this, the British published a paper saying they found Bronze cables under London and came to the conclusion that they had telecommunication technology way before the French.

After hear...

A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around.

Suddenly, he gazes upon the most beautiful bronze statue of a siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $100 for the statue and $1000 for the story that goes with it."

The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do wa...

4 Weather Patterns Are In A Race

Sunny gets gold.

Cloudy gets silver.

Snowy gets bronze.

And Rainy gets a precipitation award.

When my blonde girlfriend heard the Russians meddled in 2016, she turned to me and said...

"Well I hope they got the bronze."

Copper and Tin joined the Olympics the other day

Sadly they both tied on Bronze

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A man driving down the road sees a sign in front of a house that says “$5 for talking dog”

The man is perplexed and decides to pull over to investigate. After parking he walks up to the porch where a man is sitting in a rocking chair enjoying the day.

The driver asks “I saw your sign about a talking dog? Where can I see this dog?”

To which the man rocking simply points to th...

olimpic condoms

The husband comes home and tells his wife : "honey, i got some olimpic condoms !" the wife asks: "olimpic? what do you mean by that?" "Yeah..olimpic. they come in 3 different colors: gold, silver and bronze. And guess what ? Tonight i think of wearing the gold ones !" to which the wife replies: "Hon...

A blonde, brunette, and redhead were standing on the edge of the pool ready for the 100 yard breast stroke race...

The starter shot the pistol and the three dove into the water and began swimming.

A few minutes later, the brunette finished and jumped out of the water. Then the redhead.

About twenty minutes later, the blonde emerged.

They awarded the gold to the brunette, the silver to the re...

A frog walks into a bank...

to get a loan. He waits in line and when the teller calls him he walks up to do his thing.

"Hi, I'm Patty Black, what can I do for you today?" she asks.

He replies, "I'm here to get a loan."

"Well what do you have for collateral?"

"All I have is this antiq...

A man returned after a 3 week

business trip to Brasil. He was there during the 2016 Olympic Games, and bought lots of souvenirs for the whole family.

Night came and the kids went to bed. His wife asked what do you got in that last box? “Come here, come closer I’ll show you.” There were three medals, bronze, silver and go...

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Joined a poker club

Just signed up for poker at a club and all the members have these "lucky charms" on the table this guy has a glass cube with a 4 leaf clover in it that girl has a mini bronze doggie statue, you get the point. So the next week I wanted bring a charm to fit in, but I forgot but the novelty store next ...

Hear about the first Polish athlete to win an Olympic gold medal?

He was so proud, he had it bronzed.

In the summer of 1901, there was a small town in Western New York.

Nestled in a small valley, the town of Alfred was dominated by a church with a massive bell that would ring every day, at the top of every hour for several minutes on end, from sun up 'til sun down, much to the ire of the inhabitants.

One fateful night, the bell disappeared. Distraught,...

Last week I competed in the World Tanning Championships..

I came out with a Bronze..

Young Jonny us playing golf for the very first time, with his grandfather

After a slow start, they reach a short par 3. Jonny reaches for his driver and hits it all the way to the fringe of the green. He very nonchalantly chips it to 2ft and mops up for par.

The old man is super proud, and after the round he gifts Jonny a magnificent Bronze coloured driver.
...

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A couple of centuries ago some kings held a new Olympic competition.

The new event was which king had the biggest penis. They measured all the kings, and here were the results:

The king of France got the bronze medal for 7 inches. All the Frenchmen cheered, knowing that the female tourists would want to sleep with them now. They then played the French national...

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An Arab wandering through the Sahara

finds an old bronze lamp. When he uncorks it, out comes a genie dressed in black, with side curls a yarmulke.

"Oy, someone has *finally* freed me from that prison! I will grant you *1 wish*."

"You covetous Jew, you will give me *3* wishes!"

"It is 1 or I give you nothing, you v...

An American in China

An American visits China for the first time and finds himself in a small gift shop.

He finds a bronze statue of a mouse that he really likes so he asks the shopkeeper about it.

"It's 10 for the statue but you'll have to pay more for the story behind it."

The American pays for...

This takes place in a society where everybody is born really weak.

The more wealth you have, either through actual money or possessions, the more you would reach your maximum Power Percentage or for short, PP. Most people had around a 50% power percentage, parents would give some of their belongings to their kids at birth so they would be strong enough to walk, but...

The King and the Thrones

Once there was a king- his kingdom was made up of houses made from the hay, mud and reinforced by waterproof grass fronds from the riverbanks. The king, naturally, had the biggest house, his being the only one in the kingdom to have two floors; a tricky bit of engineering for an all natural structur...

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A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar with a small cardboard box, he asks the bartender: "Do you have a piano in here?"
The bartender points him to an old piano by the wall.
The guy sets the box down, and a little man gets out and starts playing the most beautiful music the bartender had ever listened to. <...

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A good wish from Genie!!!

4 friends made their annual monthly meeting. Every 3rd week of each month they go out same bar same time same friday night.

As always they endup pretty drunk and a 3 o'clock in morning they call out this night and start go home. While walking on empty and dark street they were still having f...

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Eastern Europe Loved the USSR

In 1970 a Soviet trade delegation visits Czechoslovakia. The delegation is met at the airport by the minister for trade, and as the minister and the leader of the delegation drive to the city in the minister’s Zil limousine, the minister points out a large bronze statue of Lenin just outside the air...

A Frog Walks Into A Bank

and approaches the teller who's name is John Paddywack.

"I would like to take out a loan for $100,000" the frog declares.

Mr. Paddywack looks at the frog and says "Since you don't have any credit with this bank you'll need a cosigner."

"No Problem" says the frog "My father is ...

The Genie and the Demon

Three men are out walking in the woods one day, when they stumble upon an old bronze lamp. Naturally, having spent much of their lives reading internet jokes, their first inclination is to rub the lamp and excitedly greet the genie that emerges.

"You have freed me from my near-eternal captivi...

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Once upon a time...

A man was driving through a rural countryside when his car got a flat. The only building within miles was a monestary. He walked up the steps, knocked on the huge wooden doors, and explained his situation to the monks. The monks were more than helpful. They sent a message to the nearest road station...

A sufficiently advanced society has synthesized all human knowledge

in pill form. So an undergraduate goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist if he has history, economics, and literature. The pharmacist disappears into the back. When he returns, he has three little boxes and says

"Here, take this purple one for all of human history—from the origins all...

A man is driving late at night when his car breaks down in front of a remote Buddhist monastery.

He knocks on the door and the monks open it. He tells the monks about his situation, and how he can't call for a mechanic at those hours of the night, so he asks them if he can stay the night in the monastery. The monks happily agree, and give him a room with a bed to sleep on.

In the middle ...

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The Watchmaker

The Boy was due to meet his friends down the third alley from the green sign. The bar at the end of that alley, they had said, was a place where spirits and souls mixed together with the languid flow of warm summer air.

But The Boy had started drinking when the sun was still ascending, and n...

A man’s car breaks down on a dim lot road in the middle of no where.

He calls a mechanic to come but he won’t be able to get to him till the next morning and it’s getting quite cold. He gets out his car and starts walking down the road to see if he can find anyone to help him. About 5 minutes down the road he finds a monastery with some monks in. They invite him in a...

Ever heard of the goldfish that went bankrupt?

Now he's a bronzefish.

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