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Birds Jokes

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God: "Adam, I'll let you name the birds"

Adam: "Tit"

God: "Uhh ok"

Adam: "Boobie"

God: "Stop naming them after breasts"

Adam: *Looks at rooster*

Pavlov's birds

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it ...

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

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Everyone loves birds, but men and women have different favorite species of birds

For instance. Men have falcons, eagles, vultures etc as their favorite

But women have great tits.

Why do birds fly south for the winter?

It’s too far to walk.

Circus and imitating birds

A man comes to the circus director and says he would like to work there.
- What are your special skills? - the director asks.
- I can imitate birds - the man replies.
- Sorry, but we already have someone who imitates birds - the director responds.
- Oh dear, that's a pity! - sighs the ma...

Types of birds.

What bird brings babies? A stork. What bird prevents babies? A swallow

What do you call birds that stick together?

Vel-crows

Why do we call birds flying over the sea seagulls?

Because if they flew over the bay they would be called bagels !!

Two birds are on a tree branch in the middle of the night

Bird 1: "I'm hungry, I'm going to try to find a mouse to eat."

Bird 2: "You sure? It's pretty damn dark to find a mouse."

Bird 1: "There's no harm in trying."

Bird 2: "I guess.."

*So bird 1 flies off into the darkness. Some time passes and the sun begins to rise. Bird 2 s...

Two birds are trying to screw a lightbulb in

One bird goes to the other “How many birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”
The other bird replies, “Well I’m pretty sure Toucan”.

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Stone and birds...

There was a native American once named 'One Stone' because he was born with
one testicle. He hated his name. He proclaimed if anyone ever called him that again, he would take their life.

One day a young woman named 'Bluebird' forgot and called him '1 stone'. He made love to her until she d...

what birds make the best pirates?

robins!!!

What birds make the best accountants?

Flamingos. They're real good at balancing.

Learning the birds and bees

A little girl goes to her mother and tells her she learned how babies are made. Her mother asks her what she learned.

"A boy puts his peepee in a girls mouth, and a baby is made."

"Oh, sweetie!" replies the mother, "That's not how babies are made. That's how jewelry is made."

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…

They’ve left no tern unstoned…

Did you know that birds like hawks and falcons can commonly be found at churches?

That's because they're birds of pray.

Christmas cracker joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because they can't afford the train!

Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.

Patio Birds

A poultry obsessed wife brings home two baby geese and promptly sets up their coop, pool, and feed on the back patio, stating they would be more comfortable there. She spends hours outside tending to, cooing at, and cuddling them… to the point of annoyance with her husband.

One day he decide...

What weighs more, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

The ton of feathers because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

What did the dad say when he saw the parliament was full of birds?

This is a parliament most fowl indeed...

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If you can kill two birds with one stone...

...they were probably fucking.

(Also: if the knife cuts both ways, why not call it a dagger?)

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

It"s called Chirpes.

It's one of those canarial diseases.

I hear it's untweetable.

Why are flightless birds so calm?

They're unflappable.

What kind of drugs do birds do?

Crowcaine

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The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The wor...

What do politicians, drug addicts and birds have in common?

They all have friends in high places.

So my bird died

So I bought this Canary bird some time ago and it kept picking at my blinds which was costing me hundreds to continually replace.

I go to the vet and ask for advice.

The vet tells me to file off the birds beak ever so slightly, but that if I file it off too far it will not be able to p...

Tᴇᴀᴄʜᴇʀ-“Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1, how many birds are left?”

Bɪʟʟʏ-“none, the others would fly away.”

Tᴇᴀᴄʜᴇʀ-“the answer is 4 but I like the way you think.”

Bɪʟʟʏ- “miss I have a question. There are 3 women eating ice-cream. 1 licking, 1 biting, 1 sucking. Which one is married?”

Tᴇᴀᴄʜᴇʀ(nervously)-“the one sucking.”

Bɪʟʟʏ-“ no mis...

I was walking through the park I saw an old man feeding some birds

I thought to myself "I wonder how long he's been dead"

I have a smart kid. I told him about the birds and bees

And he told me about my wife and the butcher!

There's a name for a group of racist birds

It's called the Coo Clucks Clan

"There are three birds in this tree..."

"...one of them I know will peck, one possibly can peck and one is meant to peck but refuses."

"What species?"

"A would-pecker, a could-pecker and a should-pecker."

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Once upon a time, there was a little sparrow who decided to be different from all the other birds by not flying south for the winter.

Needless to say, it soon got so cold that the little bird reluctantly started south anyway. A storm blew in, the little bird grew cold, and ice formed on his wings which caused him to fall to the ground in a barnyard. A cow wandered by and shit on him. This may seem terrible, but it warmed the po...

A sheriff gets a call regarding a group of suspicious birds gathered along the highway.

So he drives to the reported location and sure enough there’s a group of about 15 vultures all huddled in a circle just off the right lane. The sheriff gets out and walks over to the birds to see what they’re up to. As he approaches he calls out “hey fellas, mind if I ask what this meetings about?” ...

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You know why birds sing in the mornings?

Because they don't have to go to fucking work

A lady and her foul mouthed bird

So a lady just recently lost her husband and is feeling lonely, so she decided to get a pet, she goes to the pet store and gets a parrot, she bring a it home and it keeps saying the most awful rude and hateful things, she goes back to the pet store and tells the manager, “Hey, my bird is saying such...

What's heavier? 200 pounds of bricks, or 200 pounds of feathers?

The answer is the feathers. Not only do you have to carry 200 pounds of feathers, but you have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

I killed two birds with one stone today

I am now banned from my local zoo.

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My favorite clean joke

A young turtle is seen in the forest climbing up the trunk of a tree. It reaches the first sturdy branch of the tree and climbs out to the very end of it. At the end of the branch it hesitates for a minute before jumping off flailing its legs wildly tumbling end over end before smashing head first i...

Birds of no Feathers....

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 mos to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a bday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a p...

Why do Australians laugh at flightless birds?

They find them Emu-sing

My Vietnamese friend killed two birds with one stone

I guess that’s a Nguyen-Nguyen situation

Guy: I am great at indentifying birds

Friend: ok, what are those on that tree?
Guy: yes, they are all birds.

I was at WalMart to buy bird seed...

I was at WalMart to buy bird seed and with a straight face I asked the nice young lady that worked there:

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE THE BIRDS TO GROW ONCE I PLANT THESE SEEDS?

Why don't birds prepare for speeches?

They like to wing it.

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question (Warning not suitable for people under the aged of 18 you have been warned)

Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?
None, replied Johnny, cause the rest would fly away,
Well, the answer is four, said the teacher, but i like the way you're thinking.
Little Johnny says i have a question for you. If t...

Where do socialist birds lay their eggs?

In a communest

(pls ^dont ^^be ^^^repost)

Did you hear that somebody killed a majority of the birds?

It’s a murder of most fowl

You know what they say about picking up baby birds...

He who pick up tiny bird acquires small pecker

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Little birds

A little girl was walking by the shore when she see a nude man laying in a chair. Out of curiosity, she pointed at his penis and asked “ mister, mister what is that?” . He replied “ that is my little bird. Now go away so I can take my afternoon nap “.

Four hour later, the man wake up from hi...

Why do you have to deport sick birds of prey?

Why do you have to deport sick birds of prey?

>!it might be an illeagle!<

Why do birds make bad basketball players?

They're always committing fowls.

Where do birds go out for drinks?

The Crow Bar.

A friend of mine has nocturnal birds of prey nesting in his barn.

I'm getting owl-ly updates.

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Birds

Mr & Mrs Smith move into semi detached house in country sided. Next door is a widow and her daughter.
One sunny day Mrs Smith invites the pair round for tea.
I am sorry my husband is not here but he is out with his hobby.
"What's that" asks widow , "he's into ornithology" said Mrs Smith...

Police are looking for a man selling marijuana to birds.

Eyewitnesses report he left no tern unstoned.

At the risk of sounding like a Karen, I just wanna know why...

...do birds suddenly appear, every time, you are near.

Why don't birds recognize each other?

They are in da skies.

Two birds are in a marathon...

(joke best read aloud!)

Two birds are in a marathon...

They are by far in first place so rest on a bench in a park. The first bird sees some chips in car just sitting there.

Excitedly, he points it out to the second bird, "Hey there's some chips in that car!"

The second b...

birds are the only animals who can get anything done!

They got friends in high places

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