What do girls and birds have in common?

They both flee when I approach them

Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1

Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left?

Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun.

Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think.

Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. ...

Why don't birds recognize each other?

They are in da skies.

How many birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?

Tucan

Birds

Teacher: which birds can't fly?

Student: Dead birds.

You know how some birds fly in V formations? Do you know why one line is always longer than the other?

It has more birds in it.

Why are birds such great improvisers?

They're always wingin' it.

Who collects the souls of dead birds?

The Grim Cheeper.

Pet birds are the hot Christmas gift this year

They are flying off the shelves

Birds need gravity to swallow

but swallows don't need gravity to bird

My uncle: a little bird told me you are doing drugs.

Me: you're talking with birds and I'm the one doing drugs?

Why do birds fly to warmer climates in the winter?

Because it is easier than walking! I'm so sorry guys.

It was the ‘bring your pet to school’ day today, there were a lot of birds

Weirdly enough most of them were desert eagles!

An atheist in hell

An Athiest in hell



An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and th...

Police are looking for a man selling marijuana to birds.

Eyewitnesses report he left no tern unstoned.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said

'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.

Pirate: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.<...

Opening a pet shop specialized only in Birds and marine animals

Calling it fish & chirps

People who eat endangered birds...

...will die lonely and full of egret.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that all birds die directly after they have sex?

Well at least the one I fucked did..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

Two birds decide to pull a bank heist

Well... One was a chicken.

The other was Robin.

You think birds are scary?

Imagine Dragons.

What country has the most birds?

Turkey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s 1 in the morning and a drunk bar patron decides it’s time to go home.

He gets up off his barstool and immediately faceplants.

“Oh, holy crap. I’m drunker than I thought!”

He pulls himself up with the barstool, lets go, and faceplants again.

“Shit!”

He crawls to the front door. He tries pulling himself up with the door knob and door frame. O...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man in Jamaica who had only one testicle. Jamaicans being Jamaicans gave him the street name 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Bl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do birds get if they have unprotected sex?

Cherppies!

Do you know why that's really bad?

Their un-tweetable!

"If there are 5 birds sitting on a tree branch...

And a hunter shoots 2, how many will there be left?" Is what teacher Karen asks Johnny.

Johnny: 0, because all birds will fly away when they hear gunshots!

Karen: Well no, actually it's 3 but I do like your reasoning.

Johnny: Okay, so now I've got a question for you. There are 3...

What do you call a house filled with birds

A burden

Idk about you guys but my parents never taught me about "the birds and the bees."

So when it came down to doing it, I had no idea how to extract honey from a beehive

I like the way you're thinking.

Teacher: 3 birds are sitting on top of a roof and someone throws a rock and hits one off. How many birds are left?
Student: There are none left because the other two fly away whenever the other one is hit.
Teacher: Well actually there's still two left but I like the way you're thinking.
...

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds

They’ve left no tern unstoned

We live in such an uncaring society. The other day I was in the park watching an old man feed the birds

After a while I thought to myself: “I wonder how long he’s been dead?”

Edna always loved the birds

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,
'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Buddy and Edna went to t...

How do you tell the difference between ravens and crows.

The long straight tail feathers on these birds are called pinions. Crows are known to have 7 pinions, while ravens have 8. So the difference between a raven and a crow is a matter of a pinion.

A flock of birds walk into a bar, look around, then head for the door.

Bartender says, “Hey, what’s the matter?”

One of the birds says, “oh, it's just that this place looked seedier on the outside.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do birds have feathers?

To cover their butt-quacks.

..dad jokes for life!

Do you know why birds sing in the morning?

Because they don’t have to go to work!

What happens when you drop a 14lb weight on 2 canaries?

You kill 2 birds with one stone.

One day, my parents told me about the birds and the bees

"Son" they said, "birds do it, bees do it, so it's completely fine and natural for you to do it too. It's nothing to be ashamed of"

They were of course referring to my unfortunate habit of running face-first into windows.

Did you know that birds swear the most of any animal

They have fowl language

What is sitting in a tree and makes "Haa Haaa"?

An owl with a speech impediment.

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Dentist to the patient: This might hurt now a bit

Patient: Don't worry

Dentist: Ok... I'm having an affair with your wife!

\------------

Wife to husband: You look aweful with these new glasses

Husband: B...

why do birds fly south during the winter?

Because it would take forever to walk

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