What do you call birds that stick together?

Velcrows!

How many birds does it take to change a lightbulb?

Ideally three but toucan.

Roger the wingless eagle didn't let the ridicule coming from other able-bodied birds get him down

He was unflappable

What do you call birds that just want to dance?

Ravens

Just saw a heap of black birds stuck together.

They were velcrows

How do birds dust their houses?

With feather dusters!

I figured out a way to kill two birds with one stone.

You tell both the lovely ladies they each look 7 pounds heavier.

Why don't birds have any painkillers?

Cos the parrots-eat -em-all.

Have you heard about the disease from kissing birds ?

It's called Chirpies.

It's a canarial disease.

It's untweetable.

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Bird lover

Bird lover
A Man sits down next to a Woman in a bar and asks her "Excuse me, do you like birds"
The Woman responds "yes I suppose so why"
"The man says" I can tell a lot about a woman by asking 3 questions on her experiences with the species in her life time.
" Bullshit the Woman says ....

The media was quick to attack Trump's claim that "wind energy was killing all the birds", countering that cats kill way more birds than windmills...

I can't remember the last time I heard about a cat killing a windmill...

Guy: I am great at indentifying birds

Friend: ok, what are those on that tree?
Guy: yes, they are all birds.

Don’t tell me about the Birds and the Bees

A father asked his ten year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.” The dad was perplexed. “Why don’t you want to know?”

“When I was six, I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny speech.’ When I wa...

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Do you like birds?

Because you look like you could take a Cockatoo!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard your mom loves collecting birds....

She always up for a cockatoo.

A man with tourette syndrome is selling birds.

All the parrots are returned.

Police are looking for a man selling marijuana to birds.

Eyewitnesses report he left no tern unstoned.

Why do cops hate sick birds?

Because they're ill eagles.

My friend lost all of his birds.

He went after them, but it was a wild goose chase.

Why don’t birds wear underwear?

Their pecker is on their face.

A young teacher confronts her math class of young kids with a simple question: “Three birds are sitting on a tree when a hunter comes and shoots one down, how many birds are left on the tree?”

“None!” shouts a boy across the classroom.

“Come here” says the teacher while the kid is approaching her through the weird looks of their classmates. The teacher calmly repeats the question again this time holding three fingers up for the sitting birds and removing one for the hunter’s victim...

Two birds land on a perch

One says to the other, "Something smells fishy."

I always wondered why bird flying in V formation would have one side longer than the other...

Turns out it's because there are more birds on that side.

If you see a bunch of big black birds

Don't automatically assume it's a murder of crows.

You can't have a murder without probable caws.

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…

They’ve left no tern unstoned…

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One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey girl, do you raise birds of the species Parus major?

Because you've got great tits.

Tᴇᴀᴄʜᴇʀ-“Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1, how many birds are left?”

Bɪʟʟʏ-“none, the others would fly away.”

Tᴇᴀᴄʜᴇʀ-“the answer is 4 but I like the way you think.”

Bɪʟʟʏ- “miss I have a question. There are 3 women eating ice-cream. 1 licking, 1 biting, 1 sucking. Which one is married?”

Tᴇᴀᴄʜᴇʀ(nervously)-“the one sucking.”

Bɪʟʟʏ-“ no mis...

Why are birds so hard to identify?

Because they are always in da sky’s.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mummy, mummy, are little birds made of metal?

“Of course not, darling, why do you think that?”

“I just heard dad say he’d like to screw the arse off the bird

next door.”

So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..

His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.

She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?

Son: Ok

Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to f...

Corona Virus has spread to species of birds

It now infects bat man and robin

Why do birds sing in the morning?

Because they don't have to go to work.

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The Red Indian with one testicle

There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone.'

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years & years of torment,Onestone finally cracked and said,

'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill him!'<...

What do emo birds call their mouths?

What do emo birds call their mouths?

Bleaks

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Little birds

A little girl was walking by the shore when she see a nude man laying in a chair. Out of curiosity, she pointed at his penis and asked “ mister, mister what is that?” . He replied “ that is my little bird. Now go away so I can take my afternoon nap “.

Four hour later, the man wake up from hi...

An Atheist in Hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No...

What do you call two birds in love?

Tweethearts

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A man steps into a bar with a bird on a leash walking besides him. he straddles up to the bar and sets the bird on the counter to order a drink.

Every few minutes the bird erupts into flames burns to ash and from the ashes a new baby bird is produced.

After a wile of watching this the bartender leans over to the man and says “you know that bird is really something, what’s your name friend?”

The man looks up to the bartender an...

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach for the first time.

The biologist is amazed at the birds, the seaweed, the fish. He goes in the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is over his head. He drowns.

The physicist is mesmerized by the waves. The amplitude. ...

Whenever I get very angry or if I hurt my self, I shout out the sounds of migratory birds...

...which usually leaves me apologizing to someone for using fowl language.

With no sports on tv, I'm watching birds fight over worms in the yard...

Only time the Orioles have had a winning record.

Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a 'man about town' so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.

Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said "Oh Pedro, what is that?" Pedro being very quick thinking said "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these" and then ...

Fun Facts about ants

So as you may or may not know, ants have many breeds, but above these breeds, two general groups can be seen in ants around the world. These groups are the Macro ants (Big ants), and the Micro ants (Small ants).

Multiple different breeds of ants can be found in each of the two groups (Such ...

What fuel do birds use to fly?

Geesel

What did the bird say to the conspiracy theorist?

Nothing, birds aren't real

Since a lot of sports are no longer being televised as much, and some matches postponed, I've compensated by watching the birds in my yard compete over worms.

So far Cardinals 6, Blue Jays 3.

Did you hear about the two early birds who were about to catch the worm?

They got killed by one stone.

What kind of birds write letters?

***Pen-guins!***

I told my son about the birds and the bees.

He told me about my wife and the butcher.

When I was a kid, my dad and I went to the zoo to see the birds.

I loved birds as a kid, and really wanted one as a pet. I would spend hours looking through picture books about birds, studying their plumage, learning all that I could. So when the day came that my dad took me to the zoo to see the bird enclosure, I was really excited.

I had read about the...

Did you guys hear about the chicken farmer who had a tornado go throw the birds' shelter?

He's afraid he'll never be able to recoup his losses

How much soda do you have to drink before it tastes like birds?

Toucans

Why do humming birds hum?

Because they don't know the words.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I woke up this morning at 9:30, made coffee, stepped out for the day's first cigarette, and was greeted by a gorgeous spring day. The sun was shining the birds were singing...

Then I ripped ass like a bologna windmill slapping a tile floor.

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