What do you call birds who stick together?

Velcrows

Birds of no Feathers....

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 mos to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a bday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You already know the legend of the Foo Bird...

...named after its purportedly plaintive cries of "Foo! Foo!" but renowned for its feces, which is said to become a deadly toxin on the skin upon exposure to air, giving us to the common piece of wisdom, "If the Foo shits, wear it."

However you may not know about the brave explorers who set o...

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

It"s called Chirpes.

It's one of those canarial diseases.

I hear it's untweetable.

What’s a drug for birds?

Quack

Two birds are on a tree branch in the middle of the night

Bird 1: "I'm hungry, I'm going to try to find a mouse to eat."

Bird 2: "You sure? It's pretty damn dark to find a mouse."

Bird 1: "There's no harm in trying."

Bird 2: "I guess.."

*So bird 1 flies off into the darkness. Some time passes and the sun begins to rise. Bird 2 s...

Two birds are in a marathon...

(joke best read aloud!)

Two birds are in a marathon...

They are by far in first place so rest on a bench in a park. The first bird sees some chips in car just sitting there.

Excitedly, he points it out to the second bird, "Hey there's some chips in that car!"

The second b...

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

Why do birds make bad basketball players?

They're always committing fowls.

Where do antarctic birds spend their nights?

In pengu-inns

Today I saw an old man feeding the birds.

He must have been dead three hours at least.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I'm getting a gun because of my fear if birds.

Therapist: I think you might be getting carried away.

Me: NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT I'M NOT!!!

Christmas cracker joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because they can't afford the train!

Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.

How many birds can you fit under a Scotsmans kilt?

Depends how big the perch is.

How many birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Toucan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know people often call a group of multiple birds by certain names?

People call a group of chickens a Brood.

People call a group of Falcons a Cast.

People call a group of Seagulls “Fuck You!”

What do birds and traitors have in common?

They both fly south for the winter.

Every time I take my dog for a walk, all the birds relentlessly attack him

Guess that's what I get for buying a purebread

When birds get arrested, they get no trial.

They go straight to prison because they’re too much of a flight risk.

What’s heavier, 1 lb of rocks, or 1 lb of feathers?

The feathers, because you’re carrying the weight of what you did to those birds.

How do you kill two birds with one stone?

Aim really well.

Why don't birds prepare for speeches?

They like to wing it.

I can levitate birds!

However, nobody seems to care.

Don't step on the chickens

Three men die and come to the pearly gates. They swing open and they hear the voice of god booming: "Be welcome to heaven, but don't step on the chickens!" and as far as the eye can see there are chickens EVERYWHERE.

One guy is like, "forget this!" and instantly steps on a chicken. They hear ...

Wanna know how I welcome birds to my home?

Microwave.

God, Atheist, and the Bear.

An atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in towards the man. The atheist screams in terror, " Oh God, help me!! "

Suddenly, everything - the bear, the trees, the birds, everything but th...

what do birds and my gf have in common?

Neither of them exist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It is very important to like the same birds in your marriage

When I am looking for my wife to have sex, she ducks, but I wish she would swallow.

Why do birds always congregate on power wires?

So they can hang out with their friends online.

Why don't birds were underpants?

Because their peckers are on their faces.

The effect of pot on shore birds...

On the beach yesterday I saw a researcher blowing clouds of pot smoke on shore birds to study the effects of marijuana on their flying. He was very thorough, making sure he dosed every single one he saw.

It was his intention to leave no tern unstoned.

Little Johnny is in class one day...

The Teacher says "Okay class I have a math question. There are 3 birds sitting on a fence. If you shoot one of them off, how many are left?"

Little Johnny jumps up with his hand raised and says "NONE... After you fire the first shot, they will all fly away!"

Teacher says "Well, the cor...

The government has developed machines that will pick litter up from the beach.

I saw one the other day, but unfortunately it was malfunctioning and was grabbing birds off the shoreline instead.

I thought "Well, that took a tern."

Storks bring babies, but do you know what type of birds prevent babies?

Swallows...

A man boards a flight from London to LA.

Midway in the flight, there is a bit of a turbulence and then an announcement.


"This is your captain speaking. We have a bit of bad news. During the turbulence we experienced, one of our engines have failed. But there is nothing to worry about, the plane still has three engines function...

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

Which is heavier, 200 lbs of feathers, or 200 lbs of bricks?

The feathers, because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…

They’ve left no tern unstoned…

Do songbirds get mad...

At humming birds for not knowing the lyrics?

We were stranded at sea with dwindling supplies of dried food and canned meat. Some of the guys started to catch birds and eat them or barter them for other food,...

...so I took a tern for the wurst.

Guy: I am great at indentifying birds

Friend: ok, what are those on that tree?
Guy: yes, they are all birds.

Who knew what blondes know?

It was a typical night of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire:

Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.”

“The next question will give you the top prize of $1 million dollars,
if you get it right. But if you get it wrong, you will dr...

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