Guy: I am great at indentifying birds

Friend: ok, what are those on that tree?
Guy: yes, they are all birds.

Why do cops hate sick birds?

Because they're ill eagles.

Why don’t birds wear underwear?

Their pecker is on their face.

A young teacher confronts her math class of young kids with a simple question: “Three birds are sitting on a tree when a hunter comes and shoots one down, how many birds are left on the tree?”

“None!” shouts a boy across the classroom.

“Come here” says the teacher while the kid is approaching her through the weird looks of their classmates. The teacher calmly repeats the question again this time holding three fingers up for the sitting birds and removing one for the hunter’s victim...

Police are looking for a man selling marijuana to birds.

Eyewitnesses report he left no tern unstoned.

If you see a bunch of big black birds

Don't automatically assume it's a murder of crows.

You can't have a murder without probable caws.

I always wondered why bird flying in V formation would have one side longer than the other...

Turns out it's because there are more birds on that side.

Why do birds sing in the morning?

Because they don't have to go to work.

Why are birds so hard to identify?

Because they are always in da sky’s.

what do you call birds that stick together?

velcrows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mummy, mummy, are little birds made of metal?

“Of course not, darling, why do you think that?”

“I just heard dad say he’d like to screw the arse off the bird

next door.”

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…

They’ve left no tern unstoned…

What do emo birds call their mouths?

What do emo birds call their mouths?

Bleaks

Tᴇᴀᴄʜᴇʀ-“Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1, how many birds are left?”

Bɪʟʟʏ-“none, the others would fly away.”

Tᴇᴀᴄʜᴇʀ-“the answer is 4 but I like the way you think.”

Bɪʟʟʏ- “miss I have a question. There are 3 women eating ice-cream. 1 licking, 1 biting, 1 sucking. Which one is married?”

Tᴇᴀᴄʜᴇʀ(nervously)-“the one sucking.”

Bɪʟʟʏ-“ no mis...

Corona Virus has spread to species of birds

It now infects bat man and robin

How many birds can fit into a cage at once?

Toucan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little birds

A little girl was walking by the shore when she see a nude man laying in a chair. Out of curiosity, she pointed at his penis and asked “ mister, mister what is that?” . He replied “ that is my little bird. Now go away so I can take my afternoon nap “.

Four hour later, the man wake up from hi...

What do you call two birds in love?

Tweethearts

With no sports on tv, I'm watching birds fight over worms in the yard...

Only time the Orioles have had a winning record.

Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a 'man about town' so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.

Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said "Oh Pedro, what is that?" Pedro being very quick thinking said "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these" and then ...

What fuel do birds use to fly?

Geesel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Scots call ladies "Birds" ?

Because they've seen a Cockatoo aye?

Did you hear about the two early birds who were about to catch the worm?

They got killed by one stone.

If you date twin girls, and one of them smokes weed..

Is that like getting two birds with one stoned?

How much soda do you have to drink before it tastes like birds?

Toucans

Why do humming birds hum?

Because they don't know the words.

Since a lot of sports are no longer being televised as much, and some matches postponed, I've compensated by watching the birds in my yard compete over worms.

So far Cardinals 6, Blue Jays 3.

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

What to birds take when they have a headache?

Parrotcetamol.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Birds

Mr & Mrs Smith move into semi detached house in country sided. Next door is a widow and her daughter.
One sunny day Mrs Smith invites the pair round for tea.
I am sorry my husband is not here but he is out with his hobby.
"What's that" asks widow , "he's into ornithology" said Mrs Smith...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

Birds and bees at a catholic school.

In a catholic school the teacher told the students to count when they were conceived. One of the students ask

student: So according to you I should have been conceived in May 2009, but I know my parents got married in August 2009. We are catholic explain.

Teacher: Ask your parents if ...

I told my son about the birds and the bees.

He told me about my wife and the butcher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I woke up this morning at 9:30, made coffee, stepped out for the day's first cigarette, and was greeted by a gorgeous spring day. The sun was shining the birds were singing...

Then I ripped ass like a bologna windmill slapping a tile floor.

Did you guys hear about the chicken farmer who had a tornado go throw the birds' shelter?

He's afraid he'll never be able to recoup his losses

What kind of birds write letters?

***Pen-guins!***

Me: Ah, listen to those birds tweeting - it's so lovely to share our home with all of nature

Also me: Die you bloody ants, die - how dare you try to invade our private living space!

What did the bird say to the conspiracy theorist?

Nothing, birds aren't real

My wife thinks our neighbor owns tropical birds.

Ever since I said I liked her two cans.

Just started a business selling birds. The profits are brilliant.

So far I have sold some homing pigeons 25 times this week already.

When I was a kid, my dad and I went to the zoo to see the birds.

I loved birds as a kid, and really wanted one as a pet. I would spend hours looking through picture books about birds, studying their plumage, learning all that I could. So when the day came that my dad took me to the zoo to see the bird enclosure, I was really excited.

I had read about the...

Gee, I wonder if SARS-CoV-2 mutated to the point where it could infect birds...

I guess you could call the disease it causes "CO*R*VID-19," eh?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a telegraph pole on which birds tend to sit and defecate

It's a shitty post.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little johnny learns about the birds and the bee's

Saturday morning little Johnny wakes up and as he is about to go to the living room to watch Saturday morning cartoons he hears loud noise coming from down the hall. He follows the sound which brings him to his parents bedroom. Curious about what the noise is he slowly opens his parents bedroom door...

My parents allways warned me to never ho through the cellar door and one day when i was fifteen i pushed it open and saw some incredible things i never saw before...

Like trees, and birds, green grass and the sun, my god it was beautiful.

There were two birds, one named Pete and the other named Repeat. If Pete flew away, who would be left?

Repeat.

Ok, So there were two birds...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You have 10 birds in the tree if one gets shot how many left?

Here the programmer version


You have 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How many are left?

There is a programmer version for this question:

One day, when the teacher wanted to test the students' IQ in class, he asked a boy, "There are 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How man...

I was throwing oranges at tropical birds.

One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Winter is here and our native birds are having difficulty finding food. Please go to the pet shop and buy a bag of nuts for them.

There is no finer sight on a winter’s morning than a pair of tits round your nut sack; however it’s a bit early to expect a swallow.

Saw some sea birds ordering furniture in IKEA today

Last time I checked it was definitely humans only, but I guess the terns have tabled.

God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome

God: *creates birds*

What is the equivalent of 2,000 mocking birds?

2 kilomockingbirds.

A Old, wealthy man had three sons.

He promised each of them that if they learned a new, 'exotic' skill, he would give them a fortune. So, they set out. They came to a river with 3 paths. They agreed to split up. The first brother learned to shoot tiny things like birds, flies, etc. The second one learned to fix things with a hammer. ...

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