UPJOKE

He Goat Jokes

Tom Brady retired, but he does so as the GOAT, with 7 Super Bowls, but more importantly, he’s 5x better than Nickelback.

…he’s a quarterback

Happy stories from a remote village

A journalist goes to a poor remote village for a documentary.

He saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.

The old man smiled and began:
"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village...

One day a man drove by a farm and saw a two-legged goat

The man went up to the farmer and said, "Excuse me, but why does that goat only have two legs?"

"Well," said the farmer, "that goat is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the goat, an...

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A farmer is laying in the bed with his wife

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.


He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"


She looks at him wistfully...

Meta: I told the (old) joke wrong!

I was at a restaurant with a group of people and one of them told the three legged dog goes into a bar joke. I replied with the farmer and the three legged sheep joke. There was a couple at the next table who complained I messed up the joke as it was supposed to be a pig. They were seriously mad at ...

There was a ventriloquist traveling in the countryside

He performed at county fairs and would go from town to town in his old van. One day while in the middle of nowhere, his car broke down miles away from the nearest town. He started walking to the town to see if he could get help with his car.

Along the road came a farmer riding a buggy pulled...

Harry is taking a stroll through the woods....

...when he finds a large hole in the ground. The hole seems ridiculously deep, so Harry takes a small rock and throws it down the hole. Then he listens for the sound of the rock hitting the ground below. He doesn't hear anything, so next he tries a larger rock. Still, no sound. He looks around for s...

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My coworker is a goat herder

I had a meeting the other day at work and we were waiting for a few others to show up. I told him a few things I had been doing and he told me that him and his family are goat herders on the side from their actual jobs. Have been for generations.

The goats provide milk and meat, they can sel...

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A farmer wakes up to find that his favourite goat has died.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide. Soon after, his wife woke up, and after discovering what had happened, she too followed in his steps and jumped into the river.

Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead,...

A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied.

The next day he tries again, but the dog is there, ...

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This guy is stuck on a desert island

After being there for a while, he begins to get lonely and starts to think about his girlfriend back home. The only other animal on this island is a goat. A very sexy goat, mind you. Anyway, as time passes he begins to think more and more about fucking this goat. Eventually, one day he decides, ...

A missionary staying in an African village approached by the Chief...

The Chief says,

"Holy man, my wife just gave birth to a white child. Everyone in the village is black, except for you. "

The missionary begins to sweat until he notices a herd of goats outside.

"Chief, every once in a while, God makes his creation different from the others. Loo...

The farmer who had a horse and a goat.

This Will Blow Your Mind.

There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat.
One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said:
Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I’ll come back on the 3rd day and if he’s not better, we’re going to ...

A Man was walking when he saw a hole, in an open field.

A man was walking when he saw a big hole, in an open field. The man walked over to the hole and look down into the hole. He couldn’t see the bottom and he wanted to see how deep it was so he found a pebble and tossed it down the hole.He could hear it bounce off the sides but he couldn’t hear it hit ...

So a guy gets shipwrecked on an island with nothing but a dog and a goat.

As time passes, he decides he needs some action, and, well, the goats not lookin half bad.

However, anytime the man tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous, snaps at him and won’t let him by.

Eventually, another ship wrecks, this time carrying a blonde babe. Just absolu...

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So this guy is stranded on an island with a goat and a dog.

Days pass.. then weeks... then months... and years pass with no human contact. He starts to crave the urge to have sex.

So he looks around and sees the goat. Comes up with the idea to have sex with it. He positions her right and is ready for some action. But just as he is about to pull his pa...

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A Jew went to the Rabbi to ask for advice.

"Oh Rabbi, my Sarah and I and our children are all living together in our small little house. It is so cramped and I can't afford a new one! What shall I do Rabbi?" Rabbi considered it and said. "Go and hire a live-in servant." "What?" "Do as I say." And so the Jew hired a live-in servant. After...

Which god is the best?

Baphomet. He's the GOAT.

A farmer has to deliver a goat to a friend of his

So the farmer goes to the local train station with his goat. He buys tickets for him and his goat and heads to his train.

Just before he enters the train he gets stopped by the conductor and says to the farmer:

" Animals are not allowed on this train, you'll have to leave him behind." ...

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Reporter doing an interview

A famous TV reporter was doing a report on location in Uzbekistan about the local customs of the people of Uzbekistan. During his report he interviewed one of the local town elders and asked him:

"Tell me a story about somthing that has happened in your life that you will never ever forget as...

A white baby was born in a black tribe from the jungle

The news travelled fast around the tribe and soon after, the confusion led to anger. Upon his return from the jungle, the white British zoologist who was living with the tribe for the past 3 years, was quickly apprehended and brought to the tribe's chief to be urgently judged.

At first, the t...

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Guy walks into a brothel...

...and says to the pimp,

"I've only got £10, what can I get for that?"

The pimp thinks for a second and says, "you can have this goat"

The guy agrees and goes into a back room with the goat. Next week he goes to the same brothel and speaks to the pimp again,

"I've only g...

Long ago, in a faraway land, there was a traveller.

He wanted to sell a goat, but no one wanted it. He travelled far and wide to see if anyone wanted it.

One day, he reached a small town in the desert. Before he entered the town, he decided to take a nap under a tree, and tied up his goat nearby.

On waking up a few hours later, he found...

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Two friends are driving along the road

When they see a goat with its head stuck in a fence. They pull over, and the driver gets out, goes over to goat pulls down his pants and fucks the goat. When he is done he gets back in the car and the passenger turns to him and says "you know, that actually looks like a lot of fun." The drive tells ...

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The three Billy Goats and their endowment

I heard this one in high school; I believe from an ostensible lab partner who mostly told lewd jokes instead of doing assignments:

You might remember the old fairy tale of the three Billy Goats who were confronted by a troll while crossing a bridge. Well it was a day just like that one, wher...

Two men are walking through the forest

And they stumble across a deep hole in the ground. They think wow that's a really deep hole. One of them says "I wonder how deep that hole is" . The other guy says "I took AP physics in high school I know what we can do. Let's find something heavy and drop it into the hole. Then, we listen to see ho...

My Stepfather Used to Tell This Joke to Everyone

*What did the farmer say to the cows at night? "It's past your bedtime."*

He told this joke to anyone he talked to, from family to people at the doctor's office. I felt the joke was old the second time I heard it. So, I started working on a response.

Christmas djnner rolls around. We ...

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Farmer Johnson was caught by his neighbor having sex with his goat.

She called the authorities and had him arrested. Farmer Johnson was very concerned and asked one of his buddies if he knew a good lawyer. The friend said that he knew a lawyer that wasn’t a good trial lawyer, but, he was extremely talented at picking jurors.

On the day of the trial the neighb...

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There was a redneck cutting his grass one day.

When he got to the edge of his property, he noticed a goat with his head stuck in the fence. Overcome with lust, he decided he would make love to the goat. After a couple minutes, his brother came looking for him and noticed him sexing this goat. He asked "can I have next?" The first man said y...

An Australian ventriloquist is visiting Afghanistan.

One day he walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.


He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"


Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."


Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how'...

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Purty goat

A young man got his first real job with a mining company. The mining camp was way out in the hinterlands- there wasn't even a town within a two hour drive. A couple of days in he realizes the men have taken to satisfying their manly urges with goats who were grazed nearby. He expressed his disgust, ...

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A Doctor, a Lawyer, and an Engineer ... and the Taliban.

A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were waiting to be guillotined by the Taliban.

They tested it by chopping off the head of a goat. They dragged over the doctor. "Do you have anything to say?" "Why kill me? I'm a doctor. I can treat your sick and injured." "Off with his head!" shouted the m...

Day trip

Police officer on patrol saw a man driving in a rural area with a goat in the front seat. He pulled the guy over and asked what he was doing driving around with a goat in the front seat? "I saw him wandering around so I stopped to pick him up so he wouldn't get hit by a car. Now I'm driving aroun...

God is talking to one of His angels.

He asks, "Gabriel, what are the humans doing down there?"

The angel replies, "It seems that they are drinking milk, Lord."

"What sort of milk?" asks God. "I gave them many animals to drink milk from; the cows, the goats..."

"Um...almonds, Lord."

My buddy and I were out for a walk and noticed this giant hole in a field...

We walked up to the hole and threw in a small rock; no sound; no signs of it hitting the bottom!

So we found a larger rock and threw it into the hole; no sound; no signs of it ever hitting the bottom.

My buddy notices a bunch of railroad ties along the forest line nearby. We lug the gi...

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A guy felt a bit lonely

So he goes to a brothel and tells the madame that he wants something 'out of the oridinary'.

Madame replies: We've a goat. Do you want the goat?

The guy says: No, something even more kinky.

Madame: We've an alien from the planet Mars.

Guy: No, even more kinky.

Mad...

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The Goat Joke. (dirty)

So this guy gets stranded on a desert island and he's there alone for years. The only fun thing he can do to pass the time is jerk off. After a while he gets sick of it though and wants to have sex. But the only other living thing on this island is this goat. So he decides he's going to fuck the goa...

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A stranger is drinking alone in a small pub...

Until he is approached by an obviously inebriated man. This man begins to ramble on about his trade skills in the village. The stranger tries to shrug him off but he pushes conversation. 'see this pub we are sitting in? I built this pub with my own bare hands. Yet, no one calls me McGregor the bar b...

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A TV crew was on a remote village making a documentary…

…they stopped a villager and asked him if he would tell a happy anecdote for the camera. The man smiled, gave a deep, longing breath and told “well, there was this time when Sven’s sheep got lost, so it wandered up the mountain, so we got together to look for it. We searched and searched all day lon...

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A young man is sitting in a tavern in a small town in Italy, drinking and looking glum. A stern looking local man approaches him and asks, "What's wrong my friend?"

He says "My partner left me for another man."


"Ah, life can be cruel" says the local. "Take me, I built this bar with my bare hands. Foundation to chimney. You think they call me Mario the builder? No. Come with me."


Mario takes the man to the window.


"You see...

(Long) A thirsty man got himself lost in the desert...

and was searching for water. After countless hours searching and hoping, he came upon a well with a big opening.
He peered inside... squinted... but couldn't see a thing down there.
He looked around and found a small pebble and tossed it in. He then listened closely for any sign of a splash or...

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A man has been fucking his favorite goat

For the past couple months he's been falling in love and fucking his favorite goat from the herd. One day he decides to finally bring the goat into his home.

He shows the goat around the house for awhile and decides to show the bedroom where his wife is resting. The man drags the goat up the...

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A farmer saved up money for a night into town

He lays his three $100 bills proudly on the table and goes upstairs to change into his fancy city clothing.
When he comes down again he sees his goat standing next to the table, with the $100 bills missing.
Pissed off but still determined he goes to the city anyway and takes the goat with him....

The Deepest Hole in the World

3 men are in a car driving down a long winding country road late at night. Suddenly the driver notices a huge hole in their path and stops the car immediately. They all get out and stand near the edge in awe. Why is this here? How deep is it? What the hell? They are quite puzzled by their disc...

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Told to me by a miner, so you know it's bad.

A reporter is doing an article about West Virginia, as he is compiling and editing he realizes that he has no human interest story. So he heads out to a local bar and sees an old timer sitting by himself. He explains the situation and asks him what he's like.

The old timer responds, "what do ...

Ed's father taught him how to ride a goat at a young age.

He showed him where the little saddle goes, and how to position the bridle.

Ed mastered the art of goat riding. The slightest pull from the reigns and the goat would stop. The lightest touch of the spurs on it's haunches and the goat would gallop full speed.

Ed named the goat Geronimo...

A horse learns the guitar

So there once was a horse that wanted to learn how to play the guitar. So he goes around looking for someone to teach him, and soon he finds someone to teach him. After a white, the horse get REALLY good at playing the guitar so he tells his friend Duck about how he learned the guitar.

So the...

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The goat at the base of the hill

A man is new to town and steps in the local pub for a drink. After a couple drinks he decides to ask the bartender

"Where are the women around here? I need to get laid."

The bartender says "You're not gonna find any around here, but there is a goat at the base of the hill..."
...

A goat and a hole

Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can’t see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen… Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that’s...

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A religious monk is approached by a demoness.

She tells him he must choose between three evils:
1. Kill a goat.
2. Drink alcohol.
3. Have sex with her.

Knowing they are all against his good judgment, he decides to do whichever causes the least harm, so he drinks the alcohol.

He then proceeds to kill the goat and have ...

A farmer is walking across a field and sees a well...

so he picks up a rock and throws it inside to see how deep it is.

He doesn't hear a splash, so he picks up a piece of wood and throws it into the well, but alas, still no splash.

He starts to get very angry from thirst and looks around desperately. He sees an anvil and heaves it into t...

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A farmer's wife walks into the bedroom and finds a goat in bed next to her husband

And he says, "This is the cow I fuck whenever you're not in the mood."

She says to him, "If you weren't so damn stupid, you'd know that was a goat."

And he says to her, "If you weren't so damn presumptuous, you'd know I was talking to the goat."

The goat and the Trigs

There once was a group of wanderers called the Trigs. One day, they came across a bridge crossing a large ravine. In the middle of the bridge was a goat. The leader of the Trigs, Hypot, decided he would go first to see what would happen. When he got half way, the goat walked up to him and kicked him...

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A reporter goes to make a documentary in a small village in siberia

So a reporter goes to a small village in siberia to make a documentary about it. So he interviews the oldest man in town and asks him to tell him a story that happened in the village. So the old man goes : "Well, there was this one time Vladimir's goat got lost in the woods. So all the villagers gat...

Two hunters were walking through the woods

Two hunters were walking through the woods trying to find a spot to set up their deer stand. During their search they found a large hole in the middle of the woods. They looked down into the hole and were unable to see the bottom, so they started trying to find things they could throw to see how dee...

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Three boys are on a farm... (NSFW)

looking after it while their parents are out for a few hours. The oldest boy accidently kills the goat, and is so scared, he says he's going into the woods to shoot himself. He then runs, and takes a loaded shotgun with him. Two minutes later, a deafening gunshot fills the woods.

The two othe...

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Two newfies were walking in the woods and they saw a goat had his head stuck in the fence...

So the 1st newfie says "I got an idea" he walks up to the fence and F _ _ ks the goat in the ass .
Then he turns to the second newfie and says "your turn"
So the 2nd newfie walks up to the fence and sticks his head in it.

The Horse, the Cow and the Pig.

There once was a barn with 3 best friends who happened to be a Horse, a Pig, and a Cow.

They are together listening to the radio through the window of the barn and the Horse hears am the guitar and he says “ hey I really love the guitar, you know what I’m gonna learn it”, so he goes off and l...

Two men are walking through the forrest..

Two men are walking through the forrest and it is extremely dark. After walking for a bit one of the men all of a sudden yells stop! Right in front of them is the largest hole they have ever seen.

The two men look at each other an both decide they have to know how deep this hole is.

...

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