My mate punched my driver for pulling into the cycle lane...

He\`s a bit of a CYCLE-PATH.......





yeah its bad..

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Life cycle of the male sex drive

Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly

Ages 32-55: Try-weekly

Over 55: Try-weakly

What do British women call their menstruation cycles?

A bloody mess



(messed up the first post)

Software development cycle.

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discov...

Jokes about a women's menstrual cycle just aren't funny

Period.

My wisdom will kill me one day

I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whisky before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very...

After extensive testing the C.I.A. has gotten down to it's final 3 candidates of this recruiting cycle, being 1 female and 2 males.

The recruiter tells them that in working for the C.I.A they need to be ready for anything and the final test is to prove this.

The recruiter explains that each recruit will have to go into the interrogation room that their respected husband or wife is in and kill them with the gun provided. ...

Every morning I get out of the house, a bike keeps running me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

I started a group for anonymous cycling enthusiasts.

But so far the members who’ve joined Pedalphiles seem to know nothing about bicycles in general.

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WHAT DO YOU CALL A CYCLE THAT IS QUESTIONING IT'S SEXUALITY?

A bi-cycle

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I just cycled ten miles to Halfords to get a new bicycle seat.

What a pain in the arse.

My wife said I am going to cycle 10 miles every day to get my body back in shape, I said good girl go for it, I have noticed a massive difference after just 4 weeks.

She is 280 miles away.

Why did the female rapper only rap when she was on her menstrual cycle?

Because they said she had a mean flow

What do you call a one wheeled cycle for castrated men?

A eunuchcycle

What do you call a sentient bike that throws its rider off again and again?

A vicious cycle.

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A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar.

*long*

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, strolls up to the bar and sighs "give me a Guinness mate"

The bartender gives him his drink and asks "rough day? ", the black piece of tarmac replies "aye I'm part of the A1 North and I've had all sorts over me today. 12 fucking lorries,...

2 slabs of concrete walk into a bar..

They sit down and start discussing how tough they are, until the barman asks what they want.

Concrete 1: I'll have a pint, and a shot of tequila, because I'm hard! I'm tough and can handle anything!

So the barman gets his drinks and asks the second.

Concrete 2: me? I'll have 2 p...

My Laundry Timeline

Load the washer: 5 minutes

Wash cycle: 30 minutes

Dryer cycle: 50 minutes

Put clothes away: 7-10 business days

Why can't a cycle stand on its own?

Because it's two tyred.

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Sexual life cycle of a human male

tri-weekly ---
try weekly ---
try weakly

A man was arrested for stealing cat hairs to make whoopee cushions.

This was a criminal offense in Florida. He was brought before a judge who was a notorious cat lover. The jury consisted of only elderly spinsters. The man's lawyer requested for a different judge and jury, but his request was rejected. The court found the man "extremely guilty and a possible dog lov...

There is a possessed bike that keeps riding over animals and then going to the beauty parlor over and over again.

It’s a pretty vicious cycle.

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A recent scientific study revealed that women found different male attributes attractive depending on where they were in their menstrual cycle.

For example, a woman ovulating found men with rugged masculine features most attractive.
Whereas a woman menstruating preferred men doused in petrol, set on fire with scissors stuck in his eyes, an axe in his skull and a javelin stuck up his arse.

I personally identify as one cycle per second.

Because everything hertz.

You see that movie about Queen Victoria's first menstrual cycle?

I thought it was bloody good and I normally don't care for period dramas.

A clean dog

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. “Oh, no laundry,” the boy said. “I’m going to wash my dog.” ...

My friend is crazy, he’s constantly riding his bike on a bicycle trail.

He’s a psychopath on a cycle path.

Did you hear about the screening of that documentary movie on Menstrual cycle?

The audience gave it a standing ovulation.

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The natural fear cycle.

Cockroach afraid of mice

Mice afraid of cats

Cats afraid of dogs

Dogs afraid of men

Men afraid from wives

Wives afraid of cockraoches.

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An old half deaf husband is watching TV with the wife.They are watching the DYI network on home repair.

Every time the wife gets up he flips it to the porn channel not realizing she can hear and flips it back as she comes back to the room. This goes on for a few cycles till she comes back from the kitchen and yells at him, Oh for gods sake bob just leave it on the porn...you already know how to hang a...

2 nuns cycle down a cobbled street. One let's out a cry and says "I've never come this way before."

The other one says, "you wouldn't normally but there's a diversion around some road works."

Business Idea

A spin class called "Cycle of Abuse" where the instructor yells at you the entire 90 minutes you are pedalling and then you go home and take it out on your family.

A school finally decided it's ok to show their students a documentary about menstrual cycles.

It was about bloody time.

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There’s a motorway having a drink in a pub.

In comes a Dual Carriageway. “You”, says the motorway, “this is my pub, get out”. With that the dual carriageway leaves with his tail between his legs.

Shortly afterwards, an A Road comes into the pub. Again the motorway points and says “Here, you, piss off out of my pub”. The A road looks s...

Two pieces or tarmac are in a bar arguing about who's the hardest

A red piece of tarmac then enters the bar and the two other pieces shut right up and start minding their own business. After the bartender serves the red piece of tarmac a drink and it takes a seat he turns to the other two and asks "what was up with you two? I thought you were supposed to be dead h...

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Recession beater.

Wife says to husband, "If you cycle to work, we can get rid of the second car." He replies, "If you take it up the arse and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!"

What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a uni cycle?

Attire

I'm trying to get rid of my bike. It doesn't have a seat and it hurts to ride. Nobody wants it, so I'm stuck with it.

It's a vicious cycle.

Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own ?

Because it’s two tired

Horrible people keep recommending me winding bike routes

Those goddamn twisted cycle paths.

How do you track the reproductive cycle of pachyderms?

With the Periodic Table of Elephants.

Conservative America really learned something this last election cycle

The word "deplorable"

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TIL It takes men an average of 33 hours to complete a digestion cycle and women 47 hours.

Guess women are the ones full of shit.

What do you call a bike with a codebreaking dog on it, holding a gun?

A fetch-decode-execute cycle.

My girlfriend made me watch a movie with her about how women struggled during their menstrual cycles in the 18th century.

It was a period piece

I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day...

It's a vicious cycle.

What do you call two girls having their menstrual cycles?

A menstrual bicycle.

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A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar..

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, he's exhausted after a hard day's graft on the road.

The black piece of tarmac is huge in stature, built like a brick shithouse.. only tarmac.

It's a new bar and as he throws the door open the room falls silent and the ten foot tall monolith ca...

There was this one bike trail I took and I swear, at every turn it tried to kill me.

I hope I never see that crazy cycle path ever again.

The Soviet Cycle of Procrastination

First, you are Putin down your work. Then, you are Stalin for time. Finally, you are Russian to finish.

I have a fetish for bikes riding on top of me

I guess I'm a cycle path

Reintroducing "All the children" jokes

This is a blatant repost because a year ago, I had a day full of laughs because of this thread, so I would like to give credit to /u/joschon for blessing us all with this a year ago.


Here in Sweden, there's a classic joke cycle called "All the children-jokes". They're kind of like limeric...

A priest, a swami, and a rabbi...

A priest, a swami, and a rabbi were arguing as to who were the best at their job. So they decided to go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it to their respective religion. After several hours, they met up again at a local disco to share the result of their venture.

The priest...

"You gotta help man, my bike's possessed. If I ride it, it bites me, if I don't, it still bites me."

"It's a vicious cycle."



"You think that's bad? My bike's turned entirely into clumpy goo."

"It's a viscous cycle."



"You think that's bad?! My bike's turned into a man, and then gone off to compete in the olympics."

"It's discus michael."



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A son comes out as bisexual to his father.

A son comes out as bisexual to his father and asks if his father will still accept him. The father says yes of course he will.

A few months later the son fails his driving test and asks if his father will accept him. At that age the father used to cycle to school because he had failed it many...

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A Rainy Day.

A woman invites her boyfriend to her house for dinner.
She tells him "Come over for dinner, but just know, there's a huge fight going on at home about who's going to do the dishes, and the dishes haven't been done for like, 20 days. And we've made a pact that the first person to speak in the hou...

A man dies and arrives at the gates of heaven.

St Peter welcomes him with "this is the gate to eternal happiness, to enter you must tell me a selfless action you did in your life on earth."

The man thinks for a while and replies "Well there was this one time... this kid knocked over some motor cycles and a group of angry drunken bikers c...

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Groundbreaking Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is...

Have you ever observed the depression cycle of a snail?

It's pretty much a downward spiral.

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My team decided to establish a tradition

Everyone on the team would sit in a circle surrounding the team captain before the start of the season. He would then headbutt the ball at one of us, and they would have to headbutt it back at him. The captain would then headbutt it at the person sitting next to them. This would repeat as it cycled ...

New documentary about the female menstrual cycle.

Available exclusively at Redbox.

Jonny's grandad gives him a new bicycle for his birthday.

"This is a very special, highly advanced bicycle. It can do things no other bike can do. But you must take it out for a ride at least every 7 days, or it will injure you", says his granddad.

Jonny puts the bicycle in his shed and forgets about it for a week. Then one day, Jonny goes to the sh...

Things you can say about your washing machine that you can't to say about your girlfriend

"She can fit four loads inside her."

"Sometimes she gets really noisy during the spin cycle."

"If I leave it inside her too long, it starts to smell funny. "

"Got her half off, she was a steal!"

"She always leaves my sheets soaked. "

"I've lost so many socks inside...

An old lady walks into an Apple store with a dripping wet MacBook in hand.

She finds an employee and tells him that her MacBook wouldn’t turn on after she cleaned it. The employee looks at the MacBook and sees that it’s soaking wet.

“Ma’am did you wash it with water?” He asks.

“Yes but I don’t think that’s what killed it.” Replied the old lady.

“Than w...

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I once dated a biker chick for a while

It got quite annoying as once a month she would jump on her menstrual cycle and run me the fuck over!

Two pieces of Black Tarmac are chatting in the pub.

One says to the other "I'm the hardest piece of tarmac in here I could take anyone on".
Just as he's saying this a Red piece of tarmac enters the pub.
The Black piece shuts up and hides under the table.
The other black piece of tarmac says "what's up with you" and he replies "I might be ...

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Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think ...

Did you hear about the guy who couldn't stop pouring maple syrup on his bike?

Apparently he's stuck in a viscous cycle.







[just made this up \^_\^]

Man, after joining a Biker Gang: Do we or don’t we ride our bikes at the same speed?

Biker: Yes, we do. But stop calling it “synchronizing our cycles.”

A son asks dad, daddy what does the word alternatives mean ?

Dad thinks for a bit and explains.

Say, you can go to a store and buy a case of eggs. You could make an omelette, but you could also try and put the eggs in a nest, get a hatching light, and hatch the chicken. Then you'll feed them, breed them, watch em grow up, get some roosters in the mix....

My Cyclist Friend Was A Decent Guy

Until he turned into a cycle path.

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This piece of tarmac is arguing with a stone in a bar...

"I'm the hardest!." says the tarmac, "All the roads in the country are made from me bitch!." "I'm the hardest" says the stone, "Every mountain in the world is made from me!"
2 minutes later, a piece of a bicycle lane strolls in, orders a whiskey and silently sits down in the corner.
A hush fa...

A Bar for Roads

There was once a bar in the UK for roads, they would gather and talk about all the vehicles and traffic they had each day.

In walked the M1, the M5 and the M6, three of Britain's biggest roads, they sat and boasted to each other about how busy they were. The other roads enjoyed listening to t...

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NSFW A Trip to the Dentist

A man takes his girlfriend to his house to have some alone time. A few minutes into the Netflix and chill, things start to heat up. The man and his girlfriend start off with a little foreplay but it quickly escalates to a lot of 69.
After they finish their business the man tells his girlfriend t...

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Low tech enlightenment

A young tech executive is strolling through his business campus to stretch his limbs and get some air. He sits on a bench to relax, and pulls out his phone. Distracted, he looks up to notice an elderly Buddhist monk has sat down next to him.

He nods greeting and looks back to his phone, scrol...

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A tough piece of back tarmac is having a pint at the bar.

The bartender notices a muscled red piece of tarmac enter the bar, and asks the black piece if he could take him in a fight.

'Of course mate, he's a fucking bus lane.'

A little while later, a blue piece of tarmac enters the bar. The bartender again asks if the black piece could beat hi...

So a green piece of road walks into the bar...

So a green piece of road walks into the bar... It goes up to the bar and orders a drink, then takes it to a table where two traffic lights are playing a game of cards. The traffic lights take one look at the road and run out! Later the bartender finds them cowering behind the bins outside:

"W...

Some of my clothes are getting ripped to shreds when I use the washing machine.

It keeps happening every time. I think it's a vicious cycle.

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