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Cycle Jokes

Juan comes to US/Mexico border on a cycle...

...with 2 large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in those bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll see about that. Get off the bike."

The guard takes the bag and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but ...
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Life cycle of the male sex drive

Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly

Ages 32-55: Try-weekly

Over 55: Try-weakly

Why is there so much blood when I'm on my cycle?

I'm never mountain biking again.
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My mate punched my driver for pulling into the cycle lane...

He\`s a bit of a CYCLE-PATH.......





yeah its bad..
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A woman 14 days into her menstrual cycle starred in a Broadway play

She got a standing ovulation
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There are two ways to free oneself of the cycle of reincarnation.

One is to achieve enlightenment and become one with the universal energies. The other is to be reincarnated as a cheetah, which only ever reincarnate as other cheetahs, effectively removing oneself from the the cycle. >!Once a cheetah, always a cheetah.!<
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The men life cycle

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a
passionate girl, but she was too emotional....

I met a woman at the bar and asked to take her home

She said I'm on my menstrual cycle, I said that's okay I'll follow you on my Honda
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Software development cycle.

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discov...
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I was going to make a pun about Elizabeth the 1st's menstrual cycle...

But I don't like making period jokes, because not everyone gets them.
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I once made a movie about menstrual cycles in Elizabethan England.

It was a period piece.
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what is the menstrual cycle?

So this dude asked his friend: what is the menstrual cycle?

His friend replied: I don't know man, but it seems very serious.

What do you mean?

I heared my sister telling my parents that she hadn't had hers for a couple of months.

Now, my sister is crying, my mother is i...
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The US news cycle is like a bad roller coaster ride...

Usually it just makes me scared and nauseous, but this is a surprising twist.
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A school finally decided it's ok to show their students a documentary about menstrual cycles.

It was about bloody time.
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Having homosexual parents must be terrible

Either you have double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in cycle of “go ask your mom”

2 horses often get into a relationship, and then break up again. They also do repeat this cycle a lot

It isn'ta stable relationship
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Every morning when I go out of my house, a bike comes out of nowhere and tries to attack me.

It’s a ..vicious cycle.
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Why did the cycles collapse?

It was two-tired
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I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day...

It's a vicious cycle.
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Sexual life cycle of a human male

tri-weekly ---
try weekly ---
try weakly

Jokes about a women's menstrual cycle just aren't funny

Period.
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What do British women call their menstruation cycles?

A bloody mess



(messed up the first post)
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Why can't a cycle stand on its own?

Because it's two tyred.
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You see that movie about Queen Victoria's first menstrual cycle?

I thought it was bloody good and I normally don't care for period dramas.
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The natural fear cycle.

Cockroach afraid of mice

Mice afraid of cats

Cats afraid of dogs

Dogs afraid of men

Men afraid from wives

Wives afraid of cockraoches.

I started a group for anonymous cycling enthusiasts.

But so far the members who’ve joined Pedalphiles seem to know nothing about bicycles in general.
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WHAT DO YOU CALL A CYCLE THAT IS QUESTIONING IT'S SEXUALITY?

A bi-cycle

The Soviet Cycle of Procrastination

First, you are Putin down your work. Then, you are Stalin for time. Finally, you are Russian to finish.
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What do you call a one wheeled cycle for castrated men?

A eunuchcycle
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What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a uni cycle?

Attire
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Conservative America really learned something this last election cycle

The word "deplorable"
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Did you hear about the screening of that documentary movie on Menstrual cycle?

The audience gave it a standing ovulation.
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After extensive testing the C.I.A. has gotten down to it's final 3 candidates of this recruiting cycle, being 1 female and 2 males.

The recruiter tells them that in working for the C.I.A they need to be ready for anything and the final test is to prove this.

The recruiter explains that each recruit will have to go into the interrogation room that their respected husband or wife is in and kill them with the gun provided. ...
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A black piece of asphalt walks into a bar

A black piece of asphalt walks into a bar and slams his fist down on the bar loudly proclaiming, "I demand a free drink because I'm the toughest motherfucker in here!" The barman, not wanting any trouble, hands the piece of asphalt a beer.

About 20 minutes pass when another piece of asphalt w...

My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfe...
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How do you track the reproductive cycle of pachyderms?

With the Periodic Table of Elephants.
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Have you guys heard about the female rapper who performs on her menstrual cycle?

They say she has a mean flow
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I just cycled ten miles to Halfords to get a new bicycle seat.

What a pain in the arse.

My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.
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My son came up with this joke, I'm pretty proud of him

What do you call a murderer who rides a pedal bike?

A cycle path!
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What do you call two girls having their menstrual cycles?

A menstrual bicycle.
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Have you ever observed the depression cycle of a snail?

It's pretty much a downward spiral.
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2 nuns cycle down a cobbled street. One let's out a cry and says "I've never come this way before."

The other one says, "you wouldn't normally but there's a diversion around some road works."
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A grey piece of tarmac rolls into a bar

He says "I'm the biggest and toughest piece of tarmac around, and I'll fight anybody in here."

The barman says "if you're so tough, go fight that red piece of tarmac over there."

The grey piece of tarmac looks over at the red piece of tarmac and says "I'm not fighting that guy, he's ...
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My wife said I am going to cycle 10 miles every day to get my body back in shape, I said good girl go for it, I have noticed a massive difference after just 4 weeks.

She is 280 miles away.
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I took a bike-ride to the bottle shop today to get a bottle of red wine then headed home. I thought to myself, 'What if I fell off and my bottle broke?’ So I drank it all before I cycled home.

That turned out to be a wise decision because I fell off seven times before I got to our house.
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An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.

The doctor was shocked to see his health,
Asked--
'What is the secret of your good health ....?'

- 'I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling and then come and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health. '

Doctor - 'Okay, but can I ask you how ...
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Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think ...

I bought some engine oil for my bike ...

But it was too thick, so I thinned it out with some gasoline, but then it was too thin, so I added more oil, but I just can't seem to get it right. It's a viscous cycle.
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Division

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
...
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A recent scientific study revealed that women found different male attributes attractive depending on where they were in their menstrual cycle.

For example, a woman ovulating found men with rugged masculine features most attractive.
Whereas a woman menstruating preferred men doused in petrol, set on fire with scissors stuck in his eyes, an axe in his skull and a javelin stuck up his arse.

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TIL It takes men an average of 33 hours to complete a digestion cycle and women 47 hours.

Guess women are the ones full of shit.

My Girl and I always fight when she's on her period

It's a vicious cycle.
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Professional Help

A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up the medication. When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some...
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What do you call a mentally deranged, carbon-free transportation enjoying person?

A cycle-path
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What do you call a bard on a Harley?

A Minstral Cycle.
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Two pieces of Road walk into a bar

They order two large beers and talk loudly, they are the toughest pieces of road in the building.

15 minutes later, a small piece of pavement walks through and asks for a small orange juice. When the roads see him, they move into the corner and stay quiet.

The bartender notices this ...
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TIL, Hippos can run faster than humans on land and swimmer faster in water

But still you can defeat them in a triathlon as they don't know how to ride a bicycle
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Going to hell

Johnny died and arrived in Hell.

He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder, gentler, more customer focused Hell, each person is offered three choices of torture.

The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1,000-year cycles and you could pick which cycle to begin w...

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A guy brings a tub of Vaseline to meet his girlfriend's parents for the first time...

A guy and his girlfriend have plans to go to her parents' house for dinner so he can meet them for the first time.

&nbsp;

The same week, he buys his first motorcycle. He asks the seller for any tips to maintain the motorcycle and is told "When it rains, put a thin layer of Vaseline...

My partner laughed at me when I told her I was going to make a bike out of Macaroni

You should've seen her face when I cycled pasta.
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What do you call a maniac on a bicycle?

A cycle path
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Why don't more men take spinning classes?

Because guys don't want to be a around a bunch of women on their cycle.
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Why did Ryan Murphy ride a unicycle?

Because he thinks *bi*cycles are just deep in the closet.
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My dog kept chasing people on bikes

I never should have taught him to cycle!
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Two lengths of tarmac (asphalt) walk into a pub

They strut up to the bar and order a couple of Guinness and after a few gulps each begin to tell the barman how hard they are.

Having heard it all before but happy for the company, the barman encourages them and pours another two pints of Guinness.

By their third pint, their tales are ...

What's the most common vehicle used to run men over?

The menstrual cycle!
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There was this guy on the road

There was this guy on the road who was found painted grey with a white push bike symbol painted on. He said he lays down on roads to camouflage himself waiting for people to ride their bikes over him because he enjoyed the feeling.

This guy was a real cycle path.
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I kept having these crazy dreams where I woke up covered in Tyre tracks...

My Psychiatrist is convinced I'm a 'cycle-path'
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Still my favorite joke I ever made up :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle h...
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The Irish Smuggler

There was a man who would cycle across the border between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland every single day without fail carrying nothing but the clothes on his back.
The border guards stopped him every day, patted him down, searched his bike, deep thorough searches and never found ...
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I have a friend who was obsessed with the moon.

Lunar cycles, werewolf lore, eclipse dates, he knew all about them and then some. The really strange part was he focused solely on the moon in this way, no other part of space.

Made him easy to shop for though. Werewolf movies, moon pies, he'd love them just for being tangentially connected t...
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Last week, i tripped over my bike and really hurt myself.

So i moved it into another room. But the next day, forgetting i moved it, i tripped again. So i moved it into another room. The next day, again I forgot, and I tripped again. So i moved it. The next day...

It's a vicious cycle.
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Why do you think we are here?

John, Paul, and Bill sit around a campfire.

John turns to Paul, and asks him "Why do you think we are here?"

Paul says "Man, I wonder that all the time. Some people think we exist on Earth in purgatory. We suffer here through the trials and tribulations of life in order to determine if...

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[Translated joke ] A man takes his wife to gynaecologist after her belly starts growing in the anticipation of being pregnant

After taking the scan,the gynaecologist said " I'm sorry sir but there is nothing but gas "

Irritated husband shouts." Do you think I'm a cycle pump or what ? "

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a large size box of laundry detergent...

The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Nope, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But, you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, i...
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What do you call a sentient bike that throws its rider off again and again?

A vicious cycle.
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"You gotta help man, my bike's possessed. If I ride it, it bites me, if I don't, it still bites me."

"It's a vicious cycle."



"You think that's bad? My bike's turned entirely into clumpy goo."

"It's a viscous cycle."



"You think that's bad?! My bike's turned into a man, and then gone off to compete in the olympics."

"It's discus michael."



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