My mate punched my driver for pulling into the cycle lane...

He\`s a bit of a CYCLE-PATH.......





yeah its bad..

2 slabs of concrete walk into a bar..

They sit down and start discussing how tough they are, until the barman asks what they want.

Concrete 1: I'll have a pint, and a shot of tequila, because I'm hard! I'm tough and can handle anything!

So the barman gets his drinks and asks the second.

Concrete 2: me? I'll have 2 p...

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WHAT DO YOU CALL A CYCLE THAT IS QUESTIONING IT'S SEXUALITY?

A bi-cycle

Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled when she was on her menstrual cycle?

They say she had a mean flow.

Jokes about a woman's menstural cycle are not funny

Period!

My wife said I am going to cycle 10 miles every day to get my body back in shape, I said good girl go for it, I have noticed a massive difference after just 4 weeks.

She is 280 miles away.

What do you call a one wheeled cycle for castrated men?

A eunuchcycle

A bike in town keeps running me over

It’s a vicious cycle

Why can't a cycle stand on its own?

Because it's two tyred.

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A recent scientific study revealed that women found different male attributes attractive depending on where they were in their menstrual cycle.

For example, a woman ovulating found men with rugged masculine features most attractive.
Whereas a woman menstruating preferred men doused in petrol, set on fire with scissors stuck in his eyes, an axe in his skull and a javelin stuck up his arse.

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Sexual life cycle of a human male

tri-weekly ---
try weekly ---
try weakly

Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own ?

Because it’s two tired

There was this one bike trail I took and I swear, at every turn it tried to kill me.

I hope I never see that crazy cycle path ever again.

You see that movie about Queen Victoria's first menstrual cycle?

I thought it was bloody good and I normally don't care for period dramas.

Did you hear about the screening of that documentary movie on Menstrual cycle?

The audience gave it a standing ovulation.

I personally identify as one cycle per second.

Because everything hertz.

Jonny's grandad gives him a new bicycle for his birthday.

"This is a very special, highly advanced bicycle. It can do things no other bike can do. But you must take it out for a ride at least every 7 days, or it will injure you", says his granddad.

Jonny puts the bicycle in his shed and forgets about it for a week. Then one day, Jonny goes to the sh...

2 nuns cycle down a cobbled street. One let's out a cry and says "I've never come this way before."

The other one says, "you wouldn't normally but there's a diversion around some road works."

A school finally decided it's ok to show their students a documentary about menstrual cycles.

It was about bloody time.

What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a uni cycle?

Attire

Conservative America really learned something this last election cycle

The word "deplorable"

I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day...

It's a vicious cycle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL It takes men an average of 33 hours to complete a digestion cycle and women 47 hours.

Guess women are the ones full of shit.

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This piece of tarmac is arguing with a stone in a bar...

"I'm the hardest!." says the tarmac, "All the roads in the country are made from me bitch!." "I'm the hardest" says the stone, "Every mountain in the world is made from me!"
2 minutes later, a piece of a bicycle lane strolls in, orders a whiskey and silently sits down in the corner.
A hush fa...

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A tough piece of back tarmac is having a pint at the bar.

The bartender notices a muscled red piece of tarmac enter the bar, and asks the black piece if he could take him in a fight.

'Of course mate, he's a fucking bus lane.'

A little while later, a blue piece of tarmac enters the bar. The bartender again asks if the black piece could beat hi...

What do you call two girls having their menstrual cycles?

A menstrual bicycle.

The Soviet Cycle of Procrastination

First, you are Putin down your work. Then, you are Stalin for time. Finally, you are Russian to finish.

I'm trying to get rid of my bike. It doesn't have a seat and it hurts to ride. Nobody wants it, so I'm stuck with it.

It's a vicious cycle.

Two pieces or tarmac are in a bar arguing about who's the hardest

A red piece of tarmac then enters the bar and the two other pieces shut right up and start minding their own business. After the bartender serves the red piece of tarmac a drink and it takes a seat he turns to the other two and asks "what was up with you two? I thought you were supposed to be dead h...

Have you ever observed the depression cycle of a snail?

It's pretty much a downward spiral.

My girlfriend made me watch a movie with her about how women struggled during their menstrual cycles in the 18th century.

It was a period piece

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How to speak English

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and sa...

Horrible people keep recommending me winding bike routes

Those goddamn twisted cycle paths.

What do you call a bike with a codebreaking dog on it, holding a gun?

A fetch-decode-execute cycle.

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A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar..

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, he's exhausted after a hard day's graft on the road.

The black piece of tarmac is huge in stature, built like a brick shithouse.. only tarmac.

It's a new bar and as he throws the door open the room falls silent and the ten foot tall monolith ca...

I have a fetish for bikes riding on top of me

I guess I'm a cycle path

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A son comes out as bisexual to his father.

A son comes out as bisexual to his father and asks if his father will still accept him. The father says yes of course he will.

A few months later the son fails his driving test and asks if his father will accept him. At that age the father used to cycle to school because he had failed it many...

A priest, a swami, and a rabbi...

A priest, a swami, and a rabbi were arguing as to who were the best at their job. So they decided to go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it to their respective religion. After several hours, they met up again at a local disco to share the result of their venture.

The priest...

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Recession beater.

Wife says to husband, "If you cycle to work, we can get rid of the second car." He replies, "If you take it up the arse and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!"

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Groundbreaking Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is...

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A Rainy Day.

A woman invites her boyfriend to her house for dinner.
She tells him "Come over for dinner, but just know, there's a huge fight going on at home about who's going to do the dishes, and the dishes haven't been done for like, 20 days. And we've made a pact that the first person to speak in the hou...

"You gotta help man, my bike's possessed. If I ride it, it bites me, if I don't, it still bites me."

"It's a vicious cycle."



"You think that's bad? My bike's turned entirely into clumpy goo."

"It's a viscous cycle."



"You think that's bad?! My bike's turned into a man, and then gone off to compete in the olympics."

"It's discus michael."



Things you can say about your washing machine that you can't to say about your girlfriend

"She can fit four loads inside her."

"Sometimes she gets really noisy during the spin cycle."

"If I leave it inside her too long, it starts to smell funny. "

"Got her half off, she was a steal!"

"She always leaves my sheets soaked. "

"I've lost so many socks inside...

An old lady walks into an Apple store with a dripping wet MacBook in hand.

She finds an employee and tells him that her MacBook wouldn’t turn on after she cleaned it. The employee looks at the MacBook and sees that it’s soaking wet.

“Ma’am did you wash it with water?” He asks.

“Yes but I don’t think that’s what killed it.” Replied the old lady.

“Than w...

What do you call a bike trail for crazy people?

A cycle path

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I once dated a biker chick for a while

It got quite annoying as once a month she would jump on her menstrual cycle and run me the fuck over!

Two pieces of Black Tarmac are chatting in the pub.

One says to the other "I'm the hardest piece of tarmac in here I could take anyone on".
Just as he's saying this a Red piece of tarmac enters the pub.
The Black piece shuts up and hides under the table.
The other black piece of tarmac says "what's up with you" and he replies "I might be ...

There once was a bar that hosted roads and streets.

One night, a small avenue walked in to the bar, sat down and simply ordered a beer. Nothing unusual occurring here.

However a few minutes later, a two-lane main road walked in and started acting all high-and-mighty, for he was a bigger and more frequently used road. He told the small avenue t...

Reintroducing "All the children" jokes

This is a blatant repost because a year ago, I had a day full of laughs because of this thread, so I would like to give credit to /u/joschon for blessing us all with this a year ago.


Here in Sweden, there's a classic joke cycle called "All the children-jokes". They're kind of like limeric...

A man dies and arrives at the gates of heaven.

St Peter welcomes him with "this is the gate to eternal happiness, to enter you must tell me a selfless action you did in your life on earth."

The man thinks for a while and replies "Well there was this one time... this kid knocked over some motor cycles and a group of angry drunken bikers c...

A son asks dad, daddy what does the word alternatives mean ?

Dad thinks for a bit and explains.

Say, you can go to a store and buy a case of eggs. You could make an omelette, but you could also try and put the eggs in a nest, get a hatching light, and hatch the chicken. Then you'll feed them, breed them, watch em grow up, get some roosters in the mix....

Man, after joining a Biker Gang: Do we or don’t we ride our bikes at the same speed?

Biker: Yes, we do. But stop calling it “synchronizing our cycles.”

A Bar for Roads

There was once a bar in the UK for roads, they would gather and talk about all the vehicles and traffic they had each day.

In walked the M1, the M5 and the M6, three of Britain's biggest roads, they sat and boasted to each other about how busy they were. The other roads enjoyed listening to t...

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Low tech enlightenment

A young tech executive is strolling through his business campus to stretch his limbs and get some air. He sits on a bench to relax, and pulls out his phone. Distracted, he looks up to notice an elderly Buddhist monk has sat down next to him.

He nods greeting and looks back to his phone, scrol...

Did you hear about the guy who couldn't stop pouring maple syrup on his bike?

Apparently he's stuck in a viscous cycle.







[just made this up \^_\^]

My Cyclist Friend Was A Decent Guy

Until he turned into a cycle path.

A young boy was at the corner of a grocery store picking out a box of laundry detergent.

A young boy was at the corner of a grocery store picking out a box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. 'Oh, no laundry,' the boy said, 'I'm going to wash my dog.' 'But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's ...

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NSFW A Trip to the Dentist

A man takes his girlfriend to his house to have some alone time. A few minutes into the Netflix and chill, things start to heat up. The man and his girlfriend start off with a little foreplay but it quickly escalates to a lot of 69.
After they finish their business the man tells his girlfriend t...

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Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think ...

Some of my clothes are getting ripped to shreds when I use the washing machine.

It keeps happening every time. I think it's a vicious cycle.

A man meets a woman at a bar and invites her back to his place...

She says "I'm on my menstrual cycle".

He replies "Perfect! You can follow me on my mountain bike".

Some black tarmac and red tarmac are having a pint in the pub...

Some black tarmac and red tarmac are having a pint in the pub

The black tarmac says: "Did you know I’m the hardest tarmac in Britain? I do major road surfaces, car parks, runways, you name it, I’m hard"

Suddenly the door opens and the green tarmac walks in.

The black tarmac brea...

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A guy shipwrecks on a deserted island...

And after several weeks he becomes lonely and wishes for a companion.
Lo and behold the very next day, a ship with 6 beautiful women crashes. They start to talking and decide that they will share the man. One will sleep with him each night of the week. The man gets a day off, and the cycle repeat...

3 years ago during my first reservists training

I am from Singapore and all relatively healthy males need to serve the army for 2 years and 10 reservist cycles

During my first reservists, many of our combat boots start to fall apart due to the adhesive hardening up and breaking apart, thus many of us have to walk to the store to purchase ...

So a green piece of road walks into the bar...

So a green piece of road walks into the bar... It goes up to the bar and orders a drink, then takes it to a table where two traffic lights are playing a game of cards. The traffic lights take one look at the road and run out! Later the bartender finds them cowering behind the bins outside:

"W...

Two pieces of tarmac walk into a bar...

They are both arguing about who is the toughest piece of tarmac

One says ‘Oh I’m the toughest piece of tarmac I’m from the M1, the post popular toad in Britain!’

The other says ‘I’m from the M5! my road sees the most accidents in Britain!’

They continue arguing until a green pie...

On her sixth birthday, Joe decided to get his daughter, Violet, a new bike and teach her to ride it.

The whole family - Joe, Joy, Violet, and Billy - piled into the family station wagon and went down to the local toy store to pick one out. On entering the store, Violet immediately honed in on the perfect bike - it had streamers, a pinwheel, a bell, and a kickstand. It even was colored violet - her ...

The Monk's Secret

A man's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere one night. He sees a sign that says "Monastery 1 mile" and decides maybe they'll let him stay for a night or two while he figures out where to get the car fixed. He goes inside and the monks feed him dinner and let him stay the night. All night the ma...

What do young Eskimos ride to school?

Ice-cycles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Honey, you know that new washing machine we just bought..

A wife had just made her husband a nice breakfast as she was in need of a few things and her husband was just a complete A** Hole.

So, the husband is reading the paper, and the wife says, "Honey, you know that new washing machine we just bought, well something is wrong with it, it won't go in...

Two lumps of concrete walk into a busy bar...

They see some chairs next to a lump of tarmac, and the one goes over to sit when the other grabs him saying:

"Dude, don't sit next to him.. he's a cycle-path"

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The M1 walks into a bar

[Americans, the M1 is a big road]

The M1 walked into a bar. He goes to the barman and says "Give me a pint". He gets his drink and starts angrily drinking.

In walks the A9. The A9 tries to order a pint. The M1 begins shouting "OI, fuck off. Who do you think you are? I'm the M1, the bi...

The sad tale of George and Karen.

George and Karen were highschool sweet hearts, and got married at 19. They were the perfect couple. Except for one thing.

For ten years, George and Karen gave it their all to have a baby. They calculated her cycles, ate right, and went to doctors. But, in the end Geroge just didn't produce en...

Country boy gets lucky

A young man from the country heads to the city to seek new employment. While he is successful, he is lonely and decides to go to a bar to seek out some female companionship. While not terribly skilled at conversation, he manages to gain the interest of an attractive young lady seated at the bar. ...

When God sends help, don't doubt.

She hurried to the pharmacy to pick up the medication. When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.
Wi...

My friend and I were talking on the phone the other day and she was complaining about her period

Her: MY UTERUS HURTS

Me: WTF Why?

Her: CAUSE OF MY PERIOD

Me: oh

Her: I WANT ICE CREAM

Me: so go get some

Her: I'M IN TOO MUCH PAIN TO GET UP

Me: man, what a vicious cycle

Did you hear about the CRAZY paved trail?...

It's a "Cycle-Path"

Periodic abstinence as contraception can be successful, provided one meets three very strict conditions:

1. The woman must have a very regular menstrual cycle.
2. You must be able to count well.
3. And you must really love children.

Loosely translated from Herman Finkers. My favorite dutch comedian.

A Nihilist tries to sharpen a pencil

No punchline because we all die eventually, and in 100 years 99% of us will be forgotten. There is no point to life. Comedy is just a distraction from our eventual deaths in which we turn into a shriveled decomposing lifeless corpse, left to accumulate mould and simply vanish. If there is anything f...

What do you call it when you put syrup in the washing machine?

A viscous cycle

Husband in a good mood....

Darling, remember 25 years ago I had a rented one room apartment, a table fan, a black & white tv and a cycle to use. But, at night I used to sleep besides a 25 yr old beautiful girl. Now I own a luxurious centrally a/c bungalow 4 LED TVs & a limousine but I sleep with a 50 yr old woman......

A joke from Korea

"Americans are saying that in 2016, they will either have their first woman president, or their first insane president.

Like what's the big deal? Korea did both in one election cycle back in 2012"

Laundry Detergent

There was a kid in a retail store on the laundry detergent aisle. He was there for a long time thinking about what to buy and a sales person noticed him and asked if he was lost. The kid replied, "I'm just having a hard time deciding which detergent would work best on my dog."


Surprised, ...

I used to take naps on a bike until someone stole the tires

They really messed with my sleep cycle.

What kind of bikes do girls ride?

Menstrual Cycles
(I'm 99% sure I made this up!)

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scottish man...

An English man, an a Irishman and a Scottish man went camping in some woods. They had shelter and supplies but little food. So they drew up a table. On day one the Englishman would go hunting, the next day the Scottish man, after that the Irishman and the cycle would start again.

On day one t...

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