I took a bike-ride to the bottle shop today to get a bottle of red wine then headed home. I thought to myself, 'What if I fell off and my bottle broke?’ So I drank it all before I cycled home.

That turned out to be a wise decision because I fell off seven times before I got to our house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life cycle of the male sex drive

Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly

Ages 32-55: Try-weekly

Over 55: Try-weakly

The US news cycle is like a bad roller coaster ride...

Usually it just makes me scared and nauseous, but this is a surprising twist.

Why is there so much blood when I'm on my cycle?

I'm never mountain biking again.

Why did the cycles collapse?

It was two-tired

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The men life cycle

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a
passionate girl, but she was too emotional....

Juan comes to US/Mexico border on a cycle...

...with 2 large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in those bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll see about that. Get off the bike."

The guard takes the bag and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but ...

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.

The doctor was shocked to see his health,
Asked--
'What is the secret of your good health ....?'

- 'I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling and then come and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health. '

Doctor - 'Okay, but can I ask you how ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler hires a new cook

Before taking up the job he is told there are 2 main requirements - Making good healthy food for the dictator and never interfering in his policies.

On his first day he finds out about all of Hitler's preferences, likes and dislikes. With all of that in mind he makes everything as expected e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I could not resist asking him, 'Do you think ...

Every morning when I leave the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It's a vicious cycle.

what is the menstrual cycle?

So this dude asked his friend: what is the menstrual cycle?

His friend replied: I don't know man, but it seems very serious.

What do you mean?

I heared my sister telling my parents that she hadn't had hers for a couple of months.

Now, my sister is crying, my mother is i...

My partner laughed at me when I told her I was going to make a bike out of Macaroni

You should've seen her face when I cycled pasta.

My mate punched my driver for pulling into the cycle lane...

He\`s a bit of a CYCLE-PATH.......





yeah its bad..

My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

What do British women call their menstruation cycles?

A bloody mess



(messed up the first post)

Two pieces of Road walk into a bar

They order two large beers and talk loudly, they are the toughest pieces of road in the building.

15 minutes later, a small piece of pavement walks through and asks for a small orange juice. When the roads see him, they move into the corner and stay quiet.

The bartender notices this ...

Jokes about a women's menstrual cycle just aren't funny

Period.

After extensive testing the C.I.A. has gotten down to it's final 3 candidates of this recruiting cycle, being 1 female and 2 males.

The recruiter tells them that in working for the C.I.A they need to be ready for anything and the final test is to prove this.

The recruiter explains that each recruit will have to go into the interrogation room that their respected husband or wife is in and kill them with the gun provided. ...

My dog kept chasing people on bikes

I never should have taught him to cycle!

A woman on her bike was riding through the countryside during the middle ages, playing her guitar and singing songs....

...when she came upon a dashing knight in the woods, practicing his swordsmanship. The knight was struck by her beauty and started a conversation. which quickly turned into flirting.

The knight straddled the front wheel of her bike and started to passionately kiss her. The woman said "No we ...

Software development cycle.

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discov...

There’s a local road in my town notorious for causing bicycle accidents.

Some call it a cycle path.

two big pieces of tarmac walk into a bar...

the pieces of tarmac walk up the counter and begin to order their drinks, but as they do, a small piece of pink tarmac walks in.

the two larger pieces of tarmac say to the bartender: "please. let the pink tarmac order first."

the bartender replies: "why, are you two big lads scared of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving to work

A man is driving to work. While he’s waiting at a red light he hears a voice say; “Sell your car and your house and bring all your money to Vegas”. The man is a bit perplexed but decides to ignore it and carry on with his day.

The next day while driving to work he again hears the voice; “Sell...

My wife said I am going to cycle 10 miles every day to get my body back in shape, I said good girl go for it, I have noticed a massive difference after just 4 weeks.

She is 280 miles away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WHAT DO YOU CALL A CYCLE THAT IS QUESTIONING IT'S SEXUALITY?

A bi-cycle

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

I started a group for anonymous cycling enthusiasts.

But so far the members who’ve joined Pedalphiles seem to know nothing about bicycles in general.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a bike out of tampons.

It’s a menstrual cycle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just cycled ten miles to Halfords to get a new bicycle seat.

What a pain in the arse.

A moth walks into a podiatrist’s office.

He says “Doc, I’m not doing so well. My wife, Mrs. Moth is thinking of leaving me, my son Julio Moth hates me, my daughter Cindy Moth is a failure, and my boss Gregory Linovich is an evil person who feeds off my very demise. You see, I work at a factory and I’ve been at the place for 20 plus years. ...

I personally identify as one cycle per second.

Because everything hertz.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sexual life cycle of a human male

tri-weekly ---
try weekly ---
try weakly

What do you call a one wheeled cycle for castrated men?

A eunuchcycle

Why can't a cycle stand on its own?

Because it's two tyred.

You see that movie about Queen Victoria's first menstrual cycle?

I thought it was bloody good and I normally don't care for period dramas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent scientific study revealed that women found different male attributes attractive depending on where they were in their menstrual cycle.

For example, a woman ovulating found men with rugged masculine features most attractive.
Whereas a woman menstruating preferred men doused in petrol, set on fire with scissors stuck in his eyes, an axe in his skull and a javelin stuck up his arse.

A school finally decided it's ok to show their students a documentary about menstrual cycles.

It was about bloody time.

Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled when she was on her menstrual cycle?

They said she had a mean flow!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The natural fear cycle.

Cockroach afraid of mice

Mice afraid of cats

Cats afraid of dogs

Dogs afraid of men

Men afraid from wives

Wives afraid of cockraoches.

What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato when they were out for a walk?

What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato when they were out for a walk?

The father tomato looks back and sees his child way behind him, he runs back to him, stomps on him and yells "KETCHUP!"
Update:

it may be morbid, but that is the life cycle for these tomatos.

Did you hear about the screening of that documentary movie on Menstrual cycle?

The audience gave it a standing ovulation.

My wife was worried that she was going to get fat, just because her sisters are fat, her mom is fat and her grandmother was fat. So I bought her a Peloton.

She broke the cycle.

A man was arrested for stealing cat hairs to make whoopee cushions.

This was a criminal offense in Florida. He was brought before a judge who was a notorious cat lover. The jury consisted of only elderly spinsters. The man's lawyer requested for a different judge and jury, but his request was rejected. The court found the man "extremely guilty and a possible dog lov...

What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a uni cycle?

Attire

2 nuns cycle down a cobbled street. One let's out a cry and says "I've never come this way before."

The other one says, "you wouldn't normally but there's a diversion around some road works."

Why did the man get hit by a bike every day?

He was stuck in a vicious cycle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Glaswegian joke that can be applied anywhere.

Three pieces of tarmac (asphalt for Americans) are in the pub at the end of the day.
One says, "I'm on the Great Western Road. You wouldn't believe what I have to go through every day! Cars, endless traffic, congestion, it'll make you pure mental!"
The next one says, "You think you're in a bad...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since translated jokes are becoming a thing now, I will(attempt) to translate a Turkish joke...

One day Temel goes to the local caffe with his friends. While playing games and drinking tea a Japanese dude walks in and says "Does anyone in here got the balls to beat me ?". After this Temel gets up and says "I do", then they both head outside. 5 minutes later Temel comes back with a broken nose ...

Guy: Can I walk you home?

Girl : No point, I'm on my menstrual cycle.
Guy: That's OK, I'll run behind.

Saw a woman on a bike yesterday.

As she cycled towards me I couldn't help myself and shouted at her.

"COW!"

She cycled on but turned her head to shout some abuse at me, effing and blinding for a solid twenty seconds, before riding in to the side of a cow.

I was only trying to help.

To get in shape I had a bike made out of taffy but I never rode it

It was a viscous cycle

Still my favorite joke I ever made up :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle h...

I have a bike with no seat. It hurts to ride, and no one wants to buy it because it has no seat. So I'm stuck riding this bike.

It's a vicious cycle.

What do you call a traveling musician’s bike?

A minstrel cycle

My girlfriend made me watch a movie with her about how women struggled during their menstrual cycles in the 18th century.

It was a period piece

How do you track the reproductive cycle of pachyderms?

With the Periodic Table of Elephants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL It takes men an average of 33 hours to complete a digestion cycle and women 47 hours.

Guess women are the ones full of shit.

Conservative America really learned something this last election cycle

The word "deplorable"

What do you call two girls having their menstrual cycles?

A menstrual bicycle.

2 slabs of concrete walk into a bar..

They sit down and start discussing how tough they are, until the barman asks what they want.

Concrete 1: I'll have a pint, and a shot of tequila, because I'm hard! I'm tough and can handle anything!

So the barman gets his drinks and asks the second.

Concrete 2: me? I'll have 2 p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The M4 motorway walks into a bar...

The M4 motorway walks into a bar.

"Oi, barman, I'm the M4 motorway. 500,000 cars drive over me every day, I'm hard as nails. Get me a drink" he orders.

The barman, rather surprised that a talking motorway has walked into his bar, pours him a whisky and he sits down at the table.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pretty meta bro

Cake day posts are annoying and uncreative, so many people make anti cake day posts. These can be just as bad, and are only rarely funny if they are posted on the poster's cake day, (aka: anti cake day cake day posts). This possess a bit of a conundrum, as here in Reddit, we make fun of things, but ...

Where does a murderer ride his bike?

A cycle path.

The Soviet Cycle of Procrastination

First, you are Putin down your work. Then, you are Stalin for time. Finally, you are Russian to finish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar.

*long*

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, strolls up to the bar and sighs "give me a Guinness mate"

The bartender gives him his drink and asks "rough day? ", the black piece of tarmac replies "aye I'm part of the A1 North and I've had all sorts over me today. 12 fucking lorries,...

What do you call a sentient bike that throws its rider off again and again?

A vicious cycle.

Have you ever observed the depression cycle of a snail?

It's pretty much a downward spiral.

Just finished the dishes and there are already more

It a dishes cycle.

Environment Friendly Joke

*What do you do with 365 used condoms?*
Re-cycle them into a tyre and call it a Good Year.

Reintroducing "All the children" jokes

This is a blatant repost because a year ago, I had a day full of laughs because of this thread, so I would like to give credit to /u/joschon for blessing us all with this a year ago.


Here in Sweden, there's a classic joke cycle called "All the children-jokes". They're kind of like limeric...

happy new year

is just another way of saying may your brain release endorphins because the earth just completed another orbit cycle around the sun

A clean dog

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. “Oh, no laundry,” the boy said. “I’m going to wash my dog.” ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Recession beater.

Wife says to husband, "If you cycle to work, we can get rid of the second car." He replies, "If you take it up the arse and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!"

Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own ?

Because it’s two tired

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old half deaf husband is watching TV with the wife.They are watching the DYI network on home repair.

Every time the wife gets up he flips it to the porn channel not realizing she can hear and flips it back as she comes back to the room. This goes on for a few cycles till she comes back from the kitchen and yells at him, Oh for gods sake bob just leave it on the porn...you already know how to hang a...

Two pieces or tarmac are in a bar arguing about who's the hardest

A red piece of tarmac then enters the bar and the two other pieces shut right up and start minding their own business. After the bartender serves the red piece of tarmac a drink and it takes a seat he turns to the other two and asks "what was up with you two? I thought you were supposed to be dead h...

"You gotta help man, my bike's possessed. If I ride it, it bites me, if I don't, it still bites me."

"It's a vicious cycle."



"You think that's bad? My bike's turned entirely into clumpy goo."

"It's a viscous cycle."



"You think that's bad?! My bike's turned into a man, and then gone off to compete in the olympics."

"It's discus michael."



Jonny's grandad gives him a new bicycle for his birthday.

"This is a very special, highly advanced bicycle. It can do things no other bike can do. But you must take it out for a ride at least every 7 days, or it will injure you", says his granddad.

Jonny puts the bicycle in his shed and forgets about it for a week. Then one day, Jonny goes to the sh...

My friend is crazy, he’s constantly riding his bike on a bicycle trail.

He’s a psychopath on a cycle path.

A man dies and arrives at the gates of heaven.

St Peter welcomes him with "this is the gate to eternal happiness, to enter you must tell me a selfless action you did in your life on earth."

The man thinks for a while and replies "Well there was this one time... this kid knocked over some motor cycles and a group of angry drunken bikers c...

There is a possessed bike that keeps riding over animals and then going to the beauty parlor over and over again.

It’s a pretty vicious cycle.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.