My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterd...

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

What do you call a priest on a motorbike?

Rev

Why didn't a motorbike go to a car show?

It was two tired.

Motorbikes are ideal transportation for people that don't intend to have children.

They wouldn't even let me bring our newborn home from the hospital.

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Paddy says to Murphy, “My mate came off his motorbike today”

“Oh really” Murphy said.
“Yeah he has brain damage, 2 broken arms and is blind in one eye” replied Paddy.
“Fucking hell” says Murphy, “No wonder he came off”.

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A90 near Stonehaven recently,

Initially there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying c...

The singer for the band Steppenwolf has been decapitated in a motorbike accident...

They found his head out on the highway...

My sister bet me $55.55 that I couldn't make a motorbike out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

I was having trouble with my motorbike so I arrived late at my girl friend's ...

she asked "what happened?"

I replied "piston broke",

and she said " I know you are, but what happened?"

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I've finally managed to have sex on the back of a motorbike with my girlfriend

It was a Triumph!

My friend got a motorbike jacket gifted from his uncle

Along with his organs

TEENAGERS: Get a FREE car

By telling your parents that you want to buy a motorbike

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A Rabbit and a bear are fighting in a forest, when a wizard walks by

He explains to them that if they stop fighting, he will grant them three wishes each.

So of course they stop fighting immediately.

“Right,” says the wizard, “why don't you go first, bear?”

The bear thinks about his first wish for a few seconds and then says, “I wish that every b...

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A man goes to buy a motorbike...

A man goes to buy a motorbike before meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. He finds an amazing looking model and asks the dealer what the price is. The dealer replies 'It's only $1000, but there's a catch. It's not waterproof. When it rains, you have to rub vaseline over it or it will...

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike

and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers. They searched them and took the guys wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find any jewelry from the girl.When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; “Did they take your new diamond ring ...

I've invented a way of getting my motorbike going without a battery.

I'm going to do a kickstarter for it.

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A couple were on a motorbike, and the girlfriend was cold

She was wearing a button-up jacket. The boyfriend says let's stop here, turn your jacket inside out and put it back on so the wind can't get through. She did so and they carried on. A few miles down the road, they almost hit a car head on coming round a corner, skidded and came off the bike. The amb...

What's the difference between a motorbike and a toilet?

In the first case you sit and run, in the second you run and sit.

(incredibly nobody ever wrote this one before, credits to dad)

When I was 18, I wanted to buy a brand new motorbike, but my mother forbid it.

She explained that she had a brother who died in a motorbike crash when he was 18, and so I could have his instead.

A farmer gets a phone call from his son.

A farmer gets a phone call from his son. "I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive." "Shoot it," says the farmer, "and then bury it." About 20mins later he gets another call..." "Done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike?"

Did you hear about the motorbike who came out to his parents?

He was bi-cycle

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The new motorbike

A guy just bought a new motorbike. While leaving, the salesman tells him to apply vaseline if the bike gets wet the first time. The guy calls his girlfriend to make sure she is home to surprise her with the motorbike.

The whole family of the girlfriend is just about to finish eating dinner a...

Pigs

I was driving down a country lane when I hit a pig, I wasn’t dead yet so I called my Dad for advice, he said put it out of its misery, so I went over and hit it with a tyre iron.
I said to my Dad, okay that’s better but his motorbike is still stuck under my car

What's worse than watching your brother do a double barrel roll over 15 cars on a motorbike?

Having to watch him do a half barrel roll over 8 of them.

R.I.P. Bobby. Never forget.

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A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the ...

A biker gang comes into a transport cafe

and start picking on a little middle-aged man just sitting down to an all-day breakfast. They steal most of it, spit in his tea, and pull away his chair from under him, until eventually he gives up and walks out silently.

They laugh loudly and say to the waitress "He wasn't much of a man, was...

Can anyone trade me a wheelchair?

I offer a crushed motorbike

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When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely

Since then I've got a dog, I bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drugs and drink. She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work.

I've really enjoyed the benefits of wife swapping recently...

Got a brand new motorbike for her yesterday

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A bear and a rabbit was walking in a forest, and they met a genie

The genie granted them each 3 wishes
The bear wished that all the bears in the local area were girls (the bear is a guy) and the rabbit wished for a motorbike. The bear then wished that all the bears in the the country were girls except for him, and the rabbit wished for a motorbike helmet. The b...

Harley Davidson dies and goes to heaven...

He was met at the gate by saint Peter. He said to Harley your not suppose to be here, your supposed to be in hell. Harley said no I’m not I want to see the boss. Saint Peter takes Harley to see God. Harley says to God I’m suppose to be up here not in hell. Oh Harley you invented the motorbike, I’m a...

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A genie, lion and the rabbit.

Genie saw lion chasing the rabbit.

Stops them and asks them I'll grant you three wishes than you go your separate ways.

Lion says turn all my jungle lions into lionesses.

Rabbit says give me a helmet.

Lion says turn my neighbouring jungles lions into lionesses as well....

A farmer named paddy

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy. “'Didn't you say to the
police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'” asked the solicitor.

Paddy respond...

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Nsfw a rabbit and a bear cross a field and stumble on a green lamp.

The rabbit spoting the lamp instinctively rubbed it and in his astonishment and with a large puff of smoke a genie appeared coughing and splutering...

"Wow thank you both for releasing me its been ages since my last release. As customary i grant you both three wishes of your hearts desire"...

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I used to drink absinthe

I used to drink absinthe, but it caused me bad indigestion and terrible wind, weirdly, it sounded like a Japanese motorbike.

I went to a doctor who told me it wasn't uncommon, that everybody knows "absinthe makes the fart go Honda".

A truck driver stops at a roadside diner

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner one day to grab some lunch. He ordered a cheeseburger, a coffee and a slice of apple pie. Just as he was about to eat them, three big hairy bikers walked in.

The first biker grabbed the trucker’s cheeseburger and took a big bite from it.

The s...

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My wife and I were driving home last night, both of us feeling horny…

We couldn't wait to get home, so I pulled into a quiet road and we got down to it.

Then a cop on a motorbike came round the corner and gave me a ticket.

I said "What the fuck's this for?"

He replied, "That's for doing 69 in a 30 zone."

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A man is pulled over by a cop for speeding

The cop, however, is a riddle lover and tells the man that he would be free to go without a ticket if he solved his riddle correctly.
The man accepted, and the cop told him: "you're on a dark road, late in the evening. On the opposite side you see two lights coming towards you. What is it?"
...

Xmas Joke Help

Hi All,

So December 1st is upon us (in Australia at least) and that means that it is time for me to begin my annual tradition of posting daily status updates on facebook with terrible xmas jokes until xmas. An advent calendar of xmas cracker jokes if you will.

Anyway this is my third o...

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New bike

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on hi...

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A man went to see a therapist.

He said "Doc, my motorbike has become sentient. It gets angry whenever it runs out of gas and physically assaults me! I go fill it up, but then I have to visit the hospital for my injuries and wind up paying thousands of dollars' worth of medical bills. That means I don't have money left for gas, so...

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Sad Times

Just arrived home after seeing a good friend and fellow campervanner take his last, I was to honoured to have been there at the end. This was a man who had dodged a snipers bullet in the Falklands, had survived many armed patrols in Northern Ireland. A man who had walked away from a high speed motor...

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When I was five years old...

When I was five years old, I asked my dad for a new bicycle for my birthday. He said to me, "Well is your dick long enough to touch your bumhole?"

I replied, "No,"

To which he countered, "Then you can't bloody get a new bicycle."

When I was ten I really wanted a puppy for my bir...

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There is a bear chasing a rabbit through the forrest...

They are neck and neck and the bear is almost able to catch the rabbit when he spots a magic lamp. The bear comes to a stop and rubs the lamp with all his might. A genie pops out and says he will grant three wishes to both the rabbit, and the bear. The bear goes first.
"I wish I was the only male...

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A rabbit and a bear are walking through the woods..

.. when they stumbled upon a genies lamp. A mystical genie appeared in front of them and promised to grant them both 3 wishes. The bear pushed the rabbit to the side and said "I saw the lamp so I'm going first! I wish I was the best looking bear there has ever been." the genie snapped his fingers an...

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There was a bear and a rabbit.

There was a bear and a rabbit walking through the woods, right, and they found a magic lamp. Since it was dirty they decided to clean it. So when they were done with that a magic genie came out of the lamp. So the genie was like "I shall grant you both three wishes since you both found me." So the b...

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There's this 17 years old kid who's taking an exam for his driving license..

The examinator says "It's night. You see a single light coming towards you.. What is it?"
K: "Well.. It is a motorbike! "
E: "No, no.. You have to be more specific. Is it a Ducati? A Yamaha? A Suzuki?"
K: "Ask me one more question! "
E: "Ok, ok.. It's night. You see two lights coming to...

Only in Australia

A farmhand in Australia was out checking farm fences in his Land Cruiser when he hit something. He radioed the farm for advice.

"There's a pig stuck in the bullbar and is still alive but he's kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free," he said.

"Okay," said the boss. "In the...

A man hits a pig driving his car...

A man's driving though the country side way faster than he should be when suddenly he hits something, so he slams on his brakes. He gets out, and hears a horrible screeching squeal coming from under his car. He calls 911...
"Hi, I've hit a pig and its under my car, wriggling and squealing in pain...

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