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I told my therapist about my reoccurring dream where I crash my car because it’s missing the pedal that helps me stop

He said he thinks I need a brake

A man is sitting in a new sports car when a little girl pulls up beside him on her new bicycle she just received for Christmas. She knocks on his window, which he rolls down to see what she wants.

"Wanna race, mister?" she asks, ringing her bell and twirling the elastic streamers on her handlebars.

"Sure," the man laughs. The light turns green and he floors the pedal. The car takes off like a shot and he leaves the little girl in the dust.

A few seconds later though, he sees som...

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Native American boy asks his father, the cheif questions

One day a young Native American boy asks his father, "Father, why is my sister's name Flowers in the Wind?" His father The Chief replies, "Well my son, on the morning your sister was born I stepped outside and named her the first thing that I saw. And what I saw was the pedals from flowers running w...

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the bac...

People say it takes a long time to get over your ex girlfriend

I just needed to step on the gas pedal a little bit harder

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Cops pulled me over on my bicycle today, and gave me a ticket for prostitution...

They said that they had seen me pedaling my ass all over town.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Not using the clutch pedal

What happens when you press the brake pedal and the accelerator pedal at the same time when you’re in a car

It takes a screenshot

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Can you spare just $2.00?

Ranji is a 9 year old boy living in Namibia. He has only one leg, one arm and one eye. Each day he rides 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video - it's fucking hilarious!

Why did the brake pedal get therapy?

It was tired of being depressed.

Is it okay to repeatedly tap the gas pedal instead of hold it down?

I ask because I didn't want to leave it depressed.

I tried to impress a woman by putting my foot on the pedal..

Turns out, she’d seen a bin open like that before.

Wheelchairs should have pedals on them

So if you get tired of using your arms you can pedal

Walter Jr. had to use both feet to operate the pedals.

He was braking bad.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

I was riding in my friend's car today when I noticed he didn't have a brake pedal.

He said it only slowed him down.

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That SOB can drive!

### There was this woman sitting on a park bench muttering to herself and spitting. She would mutter then spit, mutter then spit. As a man got closer he heard her say "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive" then spit "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive" then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive" then...

An old man was driving his old Fiat in the Italian countryside, when the car broke down

He pulled over to the side, and called for a tow truck. While he was waiting, this guy in a Ferrari, who must have felt very generous that day, stopped and asked if he needed any assistance.

“It’s okay, the tow truck will be here soon,” the old man told him.

But the guy with the Fe...

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership...

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. But looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a State Trooper behind him; blue and red lights flashing and sire...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights

I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Credit to Steven Wright.

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The pope is driving in a limousine...

He looks at his watch nervously and then at the driver: "Excuse me but could you go a bit faster, I have a meeting with the president and I really don't want to be late."
The driver responds: "With all due respect your hollynes, I can't go faster than the speed limit or I might lose my licence."...

John's wife won't let him go fishing with his buddies

They have all went together on a fishing/camping trip the past four years together. But this year she wouldn't let him. The guys were very disappointed

Two days later the other guys made it to the campsite and noticed John was sitting by a fire with a cold beer. The tent was already set and s...

A guy walks up to the shopkeeper and asks for a Fender Strat, an Orange Amp and a Mooger Fooger pedal...

...the shop keeper says: "Are you a drummer?" and the guy responds: "Yeah how can you tell?"

The shop keeper responds: "This is a fish and chip shop mate."

There were 3 kids, one named Rose, one named Lily, and one named Cinderblock

The three kids were walking down the street with their mom.

Rose: Mom why am i named Rose?

Mom: Because when you were born a rose pedal fell on you're head.

Lily: Me to Mom?

Mom: Yes Lily

Cinderblock: Habdlqoibrisbwi!?

My aunt has three daughters

One day her three daughter run up to her mom and one of them yells
"mom!!! Why am I named rose?"
"Well sweetie, when you where born a rose pedal fell on your head"
The second daughter.
"Mommy!!!!!!!!! Why am I named violet?"
"Because when you where born a violet somehow fell on you...

A man was driving in rural Pennsylvania

When he saw what looked like a Mennonite up ahead on his bicycle.

“I’m gonna play with this guy,” he thought, as he stepped on the gas to give the poor Mennonite a scare and show him who the king of the road is. WHOOSH, he blasted by the poor, helpless bike rider.

As he was having a ...

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Fiat vs Ferrari

So on a nice and sunny Sunday afternoon Jim is taking his LaFerrari for a Spin on the Highway. Driving along for a while when Jim spots a broken down Car on the side of the road, apparently having some issues. As Jim is passing he realizes the Car is a Old Fiat 500.

Chuckling to Himself abou...

A cop is speeding on the highway when he notices in his rear view mirror that he is being followed by an old lady.

Going over 100 mph, he realizes the civilian's car is going way too fast and needs to slow down. The cop begins to decelerate and the car follows suit. Eventually, the cop pulls over and the car pulls over as well. An old lady comes out of the car and stumbles up to the cop's window, almost tripping...

Stop me if you’ve heard it...

Two men are chatting. One says, “I’m taking this new med for my memory and it’s doing wonders!”

his friend replies, “What’s it called?”

The first guy says, “Um, uh, a flower... pedals, thorns, red...”

His buddy says, “Rose?”

First guy says, “That’s it!”

He turns t...

A drunk calls the police, and says,

"They stole my dashboard, they stole my steering wheel, they stole my brake pedal, they even stole my gas pedal.."

Then, before the cops can ask where he is, he says, "Hey, never mind, I’m in the back seat"

I miss my old piano teacher...

My old piano instructor said to me, "You've damaged my piano for the last time! I won't teach you anymore!"

I found a new teacher. But his piano is missing strings, and worst of all, his damper pedal technique is terrible. I miss my old instructor; she knew when to put her foot down.

There was once a little boy

For his 2nd birthday he was given a little tractor with pedals. He loved it so much that it started an obsession with tractors.

By his fourth birthday, he already had 30 tractors of different sizes and colours.

As soon as he learnt how to read, he started filling his shelves in his bed...

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Police officers stops car towing, no idea for better title

first time poster, not sure if its re-post sorry if it is, translated as im not from english speaking countrie

Driver of old Yugo (old shitty car) had stopped on highway because of engine problem and started to stop cars for towing to nearest exit, there happened to Ferrari driver to stop and...

Two nuns riding bicycles on tiny back roads in Vatican City...

One old and one young, they pedal down the tiny side streets admiring the scenery. The young nun sighs and says, "Wow, I've never come this way before."

The other nun goes, "Ah, yes, my dear. It's the cobblestones."

A man had 2 daughters and a son. One day all three of them wanted to ask how Dad had named them.

The first daughter asked, "Daddy why did you name me Rose?"

The father responded, "When you were born, a rose pedal floated through the window and landed on your head."

The second daughter asked, "Daddy, why did you name me Violet?"

The father responded, "When you were born, the...

Knock Knock:

Priest: Knock Knock

Choir Boy: Who's there?

Priest: Pedal

Choir Boy: Pedal who?

Priest: Pedal-file

Choir Boy: I don't get it?

Priest: You soon will

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Little Johnny came home after playing with his older friends.

His friends kept using adult words and making jokes. Johnny laughed, but he never understood what the words meant. He walks over to his dad and asks: "Dad, what's a hooker?"

The dad, taken slightly aback by the bashful Johnny, decided he did not want Johnny to know that kind of language yet. ...

The pope is travelling through Canada...

...watching the wonderful landscape flying by as his chauffeur drives him across the seemingly endless roads through the wilderness.
Eventually though, he grows bored and asks his chauffeur if he can drive for a bit.
"Listen", the pope says, "I'll drive for an hour, nobody will see. You can ...

How is a piano like a stick shift?

They both have three pedals, and most people only know what two of them do.

The Difference Between Republicans and Democrats

A young man, down on his luck, was hitch-hiking through New England. A well-dressed man driving a Lincoln pulled up, lowered the passenger side window, and asked, “Do you vote Republican or Democrat?”

“Democrat,” said the hitch-hiker. And the Lincoln sped off in a cloud of dust.

The ne...

Three men go to heaven and meet Saint Peter.

They were each greeted warmly and told to answer all questions truthfully. St. Peter asks the first man: "You were married, but were you faithful? Remember, I will know if you are lying."

"Absolutely, I never cheated once in my life." claimed the man, pride gleaming in his eyes.

"Very...

How does an atheist commit suicide?

He puts the pedal to the floor and asks Jesus to take the wheel.




Sorry if this is a repost. I genuinely believed I thought it up all by myself.

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.



Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.




Two days l...

Why my driving instructor hated me:

Instructor: First, depress the brake pedal.

Me: (pointing at brake) You’ll never go anywhere in life without your brother’s help!

One day a man’s daughters came to him and circled round

“Papa,” said the first one, “why did you name me Lily?”

“Because when you were a baby a pedal from a lily blew in the window and landed on your head,” he said.

“And why did you name me Robin?” the next one asked.

“Because when you were a baby a robin flew in the window and perch...

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a software engineer are diving in a car....

... when they begin down a hill and the brakes fail! The car goes faster and faster and eventually veers off the road through a guard rail, through some woods, narrowly missing numerous trees and boulders and miraculously comes to a stop in some bushes with no one being injured. After catching the...

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This guy was driving a really top-notch Ferrari on the highway

Speeding as much as he could, there he went, happy with his life. Until an old woman in a beat up Wolkswagen just overtook him, going way faster than he was. The guy in the Ferrari puts the pedal to the metal, but only catches up to the woman in a service station miles ahead.

He comes out of ...

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Computer idiots (Warning: Old)

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" k...

Country Club Raffle

Every evening an older gentlemen would venture down to the local country club. This club had a large room in which there were several comfortable chairs, as well as a billiards table. The gentleman would enter the club, buy a cheap drink, sit in the same chair and read from his newspaper.

The...

Three kids and a mom are having a conversation

1st child: mom, why did you name me Lilly?

Mom: because when I was walking out of the hospital with you, a lily flower pedal landed on your head.

2nd child: why did you name me rose?

Mom: because when I was walking out of the hospital with you, a rose pedal landed on your head...

Two guys were tandemcycling up a steep hill.

Once they reached the top, the guy in the front while stil panting said:

"If I wouldn't have pedaled as hard as I did we would not have reached the top"

The other guy in the back responded:

"Yeah, and if I wouldn't have held down the brakes so hard we would have rolled down!"

R.I.P Bob

Bob was a bus conductor-cum-driver. He had been going through rough times, with his wife leaving him for his best friend. One day on the job, he saw a young woman, probably in her early 20's signalling for the bus. Bob couldn't hold his rage in anymore and vented his frustration on the pedal, killin...

A Man Walks Into A Bar With A Duffle Bag

A man walks into a bar carrying a duffle bag and places it on the bar. He says "My son just turned 21 and I would like to buy him a drink!" The bartender looks around and asks "Where's the birthday boy?" The man unzips the duffle bag and pulls the head of a 21 year old man out of it. The bartender g...

A mother has 3 kids.

The first kids asks "Mom, why did name me Rose?" The mother replies "Because a rose pedal fell on your head when you were little."

The second kid asks "Mom, why did you name me Tulip?" The mother replies "Because a tulip pedal fell on your head when you were little."

The third kid asks...

I used to think those bikes with foot control brakes were a cool idea

But to be honest, I’ve back pedalled since then

Some musician related jokes

Why can't a clarinet player keep a girlfriend? Whenever they start talking dirty, his voice cracks.

Why can't a French horn player keep a girlfriend? Whenever they start making out, his hand goes to the wrong place.

What do you call a euphonium player who isn't part of a military band?...

What Not to Say to a Policeman

-- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

-- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving.

-- Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!

-- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

-- You're not gonna check the ...

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A Blonde wants to learn how to fly a plane...

A Blonde woman wants to learn how to fly a plane, so she goes to the flight school and asks one of the instructors to help her.

He looks at her and says " All of our planes are taken right now, but we do have this helicopter you could learn to fly. "

The blonde accepts and they go off...

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A women goes in a sex shop and asked for the best dildo.

The seller tells her :

- Take this one, the Zizi Voodoo. You just have to say twice "Zizi Voodoo" and a part of your body where you want it to go and it does straight away!
- Ok, awesome. I'll take it.

On her ride back home she decided to try it in her car. She says

- Zizi Vo...

Why couldn't the old bike stay upright?

It was *two-tired.*

An oldy, but a goody, I hope you can *handle* it.

Changing *gears*, I *spoke* at a fancy unicycle conference and you know what's different there? *Attire.*

I'm just *pedaling* for upvotes.

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Do you have a small 2$ to spare?

Do you have a small 2$ to spare? Tariq is a 10 year old Pakistani from Pakistan who lives in a tiny village and has to walk 7 miles everyday to bring water for his family. Tariq only has one arm and can barely walk because his legs are uneven, so he has to do the long commute on a bike. Unfortunatel...

A father has a 8 year old kid named Jimmy that was always too afraid to ride a bike.

The dad says to Jimmy “Today is the day that you learn to ride a bike”
Jimmy responds “Dad, you know I can’t”
His dad replies with “Jimmy you have to learn how to ride a bike”
Jimmy refused to attempt it so his dad literally picked him up and put him on a bike. The dad was persistent in try...

A handsome middle-aged man was driving his Mercedes along the highway...

Deciding that since it was a nice day, and almost no one was around, he'd have some fun. He opened the throttle up, and was soon roaring down the road at just over 100mph.

He was having the time of his life, when a sudden red and blue flashing from behind stole his thunder. Deciding tha...

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I'm a guitarist!

A guy walks into a store, walks up to the counter and says " I would like a set of nylon strings, a set of steel strings, a loop pedal and 3 picks please."

The owner says " You're a fucking drummer aren't you?"

"No, no, I'm a guitarist!"

"You're a fucking drummer!"

"How d...

Old guy buys a new sports car.....

And right after he leaves the salesroom, he floors the gas pedal making him zip in the road. He notices that a police car, with it's siren blaring so he really puts the pedal to the max. While in hot pursuit, he realizes that he's too old for this. So he pulls over, waiting for the cop to catch up t...

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Wholesome Sunday joke

A young altar boy is running late for service. To save time, he puts on his robes before getting on his bike and pedaling like mad for the church. In his rush, he doesn't look both ways at an intersection and is struck by oncoming traffic.

The altar boy is thrown from his bike and into a ditc...

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Letter home from summer camp

Dear Mum & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened...

A man was driving around the countryside in his new sports car, moving at speeds that bordered on unsafe.

A man was driving around the countryside in his new sports car moving at speeds that bordered on unsafe. When checking his rear-view mirror he noticed that a small object followed by a trail of dust was closing fast. His curiosity piqued he slowed a bit to get a better look. As the object came into ...

Blonde Inventions

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlight

Submarine screen door

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart board

A dictionary index

Powdered water

Pedal powered wheel chair

Water proof tea bags

Zero pro...

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Tiny Blue Dot

A rich kid is taking his newly acquired vintage Ferrari out for a spin. He starts putting the pedal down as he gets out into the rural areas, just having a blast. His fuel starts running a bit low so he pulls into an old gas station. An older fellow wearing faded jeans and a blue shirt with the g...

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!
" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay cal...

Rock and Roll Joke

Kurt Cobain dies and when he opens his eyes, he's in a big practice hall. Looking around he sees Cliff Burton tuning up, Jimi Hendrix and John Lennon warming up on microphones and adjusting their guitar straps to fit, and Jerry Garcia messing with his pedal steel guitar.
Kurt ambles over to Jerry...

How Kids Got Their Names

3 Kids are taking about how they got their names, and why their parents named as such.

The first one, a girl named "Rose" says "I was named Rose, because when I was born my parents dropped rose pedals on me."

The second one, a boy named "Ash" says "I was named Ash, because wedge I was...

A recently retired man decides to buy his dream car

A brand new 2015 Chevy Corvette. As he's leaving the dealership with his new purchase, he decides to open it up on the road and see what his car can do. He's flying down the road at about 130 mph when he sees the red and blue sirens behind him trying to keep up. He pushes the pedal to the floor, kno...

Compilation of short "jokes"

☐ There should be TL;DRs on Terms and Conditions

☐ I never click the top Google result if it's an advert even if it's exactly what I want

☐ The amount of battery left on my phone is proportional to how hard I've been working that day

☐ Smart watches should be able to delete your...

A busdriver and a pastor have a conversation...

The pastor complains: "Every time i start preaching, people stop praying and fall asleep."


The busdriver replies: "For me it's the other way around. When i shift into 5th gear and hit the pedal, they wake up and start praying."

The Pope wants to drive

The Pope gets into his limousine and his driver asks him where he wants to go just like any other day.

The Pope replies: "Today I want to drive. You're always driving me and I never got to drive in my life. Let me drive."

The driver then replies, "But your holiness, I can take you any...

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a half empty bar and says to the bartender “If I show you something amazing will you give me a free drink?”

“You know bud,” the world-weary bartender says, “I’ve been in this business for a long, long time and it will take something pretty freaking special to impress me but ...

Speeding Ticket

A man was traveling down the highway doing well above the legal speed limit. He looked up and saw a state trooper behind him with his lights and siren going wanting him to pull over. The man stepped on the gas pedal even more and was flying down the highway. After awhile he did pull over. The troope...

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The World's Greatest Piano Player.

A man goes into a bar and says to the owner. "Mr. Owner I am the greatest piano player in the world and you should give me a job." The Owner says "Well we need a pianist, tell you what play me a song and I'll see if you're any good." So the piano player starts to play the most fantastic song in t...

Drunk man refuses to pay bus fare.

On Friday night a drunk man gets on a bus. Bus driver tells him its $1.25 and the drunk reaches into his pocket slowly trying not to fall. The bus driver notices this and steps on the gas causing the drunk to fumble to the back of the bus. Then the bus driver steps on the break pedal and caused the ...

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