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Why didn't the cyclist pedal on the highway?

Because he was two tired.

Two Irish farmers are walking down a road towards the pub, after a long days work, when they hear a motorcycle behind them. They are totally shocked to find that when the bike passes them, the biker is headless.

The two men look at each other and shrug.

They continue down the road because the call of the pub is getting stronger.

As they go, a cyclist comes up behind them and, on passing them, he too is seen to be headless.

The two old men shake their heads and continue to walk down t...

What do physicist and cyclist have in common?

When they see a slope, they go downhill

What do colour-blind people and cyclists have in common?

They can't tell the difference between red and green.

Where does the Georgian Olympic team train their cyclists?

In the Sakartvelo-drome

The bicyclist

A bicyclist walks into a bar wearing his bike helmet with a headlamp strapped on it for riding at night. "Nice head light," the bartender comments as he gets the biker a beer. "Yeah, it gets dark so early, I had to get it for riding at night," the biker says. "It makes me look like a miner." "No," t...

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Little Johnny was late for school

The teacher asked, "Johnny, why were you late for school?"

Little Johnny replies, "Sorry, Miss, but on my way to school I saw a truck hit a cyclist up the asshole -"

The teacher interrupts little Johnny, "It's rectum, Johnny, it's rectum."

Little Johnny says with a straight face...

Why did the crazy man ask the cyclist to run him over ?

Because he’s a cycle path.

Cyclists are like clowns

- They dress funny.

- They don't follow any rules.

- If anything bad happens to them, everyone laughs at them.

My wife and I were riding our bikes near the beach and I caught her checking out some ladies sunbathing.

I guess she's a bi-cyclist.

yes, sharks can outswim you.

but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who's the faster cyclist.

Did you hear about the cyclist who was run over while trying to outrace a car?

First he got tired, and then he got exhausted.

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doping olympics [translated from an old Russian anecdote, 2007]

Good day! We are reporting live from our special Olympics. At our Olympics there's no doping control at all. Yes, you heard it right, sportsmen are NOT tested for doping. Absolutely. So...


- Finnish sportsman has jumped 27 meters. A very good result indeed for a chess player.

- 13 ...

what do you call a cyclist without a helmet?

an organ donor.

A shark can swim faster than I can...

But I can definitely run faster than a shark.
So really, in a triathlon, it would come down to who is the better cyclist.

Old lady gets into a Merzedes-Benz taxi cab

As she hops in, the driver asks her where she's going. She gives him an adress, as she's just arrived to town to visit family.

They keep going for a bit, when the old lady notices the very characteristic Mercedes-Benz ornament emblem mounted on the hood.

"So what is that thing for?" s...

I met a famous former racing cyclist.

He said, "I've started getting into photography and selling my images to people."



I said, "Freelance?"



He said, "No, they aren't giveaways."

My Cyclist Friend Was A Decent Guy

Until he turned into a cycle path.

whats the difference between a cyclist and a scruffy unicyclist

attire

You know how you can tell when you see a happy cyclist?

They have bugs in their teeth
*ba dum tsss*

How do Indian cyclists carry their cheese?

In their paneer bags

What do a cyclist and a politician have in common?

Both demand you respect them, but don't want to follow the same rules as you.

The clever smuggler

At a border between 2 countries, the Customs Officer stops a man. He's riding a bike and holding a huge sack.
The officer asks "What's in the sack?"
The man replies "Just some mud."
The officer checks. Sure enough- mud.
He's very suspicious, but has no choice, and lets him go.
Next d...

What do you call a cyclist with an unnatural love of children's bicycles?

Pedalphile

My grandfather always said: "If you hit something with the car, you should release it from its suffering"

Still, I felt sorry for the cyclist

You’ve heard about the driver that was tired

But have you heard of the cyclist that didn’t show up cause he was two tired?

The CEO at Euro A Bank Ltd got economists thinking when he said:

"A cyclist is a disaster for a country's economy. He does not buy a car and does not take out a car loan. Does not buy car insurance. Does not buy fuel. Does not send his car for servicing and repairs. Does not use paid parking. Does not become obese.
Yes - and he stays well, damn it !! Healthy p...

What's the difference between a dog and a cyclist?

When you run over a dog you don't have to go back and get the GoPro.

A rich man buys a new Lamborghini.

It's the most expensive car in the world, and he wants to show it off, so he takes it out for a spin.

At the first stoplight, an ancient Moped pulls up next to him. The elderly cyclist stares at the sleek, shiny surface of the automobile and asks, "What kinda wheels ya got there, sonny?"
<...

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What's the difference between red and green?

Nothing if you're a cyclist cunt.

A man bought a bar

A couple years after running the place by himself, he noticed a stray puppy living in the alley behind it. He took the dog in and they became inseparable.

He named the dog Blackie and brought her to work with him every day. He taught her some bar tricks that the customers absolutely loved, e...

A man was driving in rural Pennsylvania

When he saw what looked like a Mennonite up ahead on his bicycle.

“I’m gonna play with this guy,” he thought, as he stepped on the gas to give the poor Mennonite a scare and show him who the king of the road is. WHOOSH, he blasted by the poor, helpless bike rider.

As he was having a ...

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A farmer is lazily laying on the ground...

Lounging in the morning sun next to his donkey when a man on a bike rides up and asks "Excuse me, do you have the correct time? My watch has stopped."

The farmer reaches over to his donkey, lifts it's testicles for a moment then says "It's 1:24"

The rider is taken aback, "Are you sur...

I'm tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment

I did it once and killed a cyclist.

Smuggling done right

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, a man was stopped by a guard who pointed to the two sacks the man had on his shoulders."What's in the bags?" asked the guard.
"Sand ," said the cyclist.
"Get them off;we'll take a look ,"said the guard.
The cyclist did as he was told,empt...

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A couple who met on Tinder are out in the countryside riding their bikes...

The sun is shining, it's a warm day in early summer, and a couple who recently met on Tinder are riding their bicycles through the countryside. They are both attracted to each other, looking athletic in cycling gear, and getting a buzz out of the sexual tension, the sensation of speed, and the liber...

A pirate captain bought a parrot in a petshop...

Every time one of his subordinates got out of hand, he would make them walk the plank. And whenever this happened, everyone would chant "Make him walk the plank! Make him walk the plank!". Eventually the parrot picked this up and would start chanting it all the time. This got so annoying, the captai...

Taxi driver

So there's this man who drives a taxi for a living. He's no bad man, pays his taxes, loves his wife and has no addictions. But there is one bad thing that the taxi driver just loves to do, despite his good nature. Every time he drives past one of those cyclists who act like they own the place he eve...

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A son comes out as bisexual to his father.

A son comes out as bisexual to his father and asks if his father will still accept him. The father says yes of course he will.

A few months later the son fails his driving test and asks if his father will accept him. At that age the father used to cycle to school because he had failed it many...

F*ck I killed him

A cyclist is riding through the park and suddenly a bird flies directly in his face. They both fall down on the road. When the cyclist realizes what just happened, he notices the bird laying almost dead, but still breathing. He doesn't have the heart to leave that poor bird die there so he takes it ...

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Doctor

A man is out walking his dog beside a lake when he suddenly sees a woman just managing to keep her head above water, but then slowly sink. He dives in, grabs the woman and pulls her to the edge of the lake. He places her on her back, raises her arms and starts making pumping movements. Each time he ...

A man decided to rest after taking a drive...

And goes to sleep in his car. Minutes later a cyclist knocks on his window, waking him up and asks, "Excuse me, do you know what the time is?".The man replies, Sorry, I don't know the time." After going back to sleep, he is awoken again by a jogger, who asks, "Sorry, but do you know what the time is...

Who do you sell second hand bikes to?

A re-cyclist.

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