UPJOKE

Being Late Jokes

Never, EVER be late

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words wh...

What's ironic about being late to your Optometrist appointment?

They can't see you.

What'd the cannibal get for being late to dinner?

The cold shoulder!

The importance of never being late

A priest celebrates his 25th anniversary as head of a small congregation in a small village in rural America. The mayor was supposed to hold a speech at the beginning, but as always he had more important matters at hand. So the priest started with his speech.

'I know how disturbed I was 25yea...

What's the difference between having a latte and being late

Whether or not you have time for t

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Yoda say during his toilet break while being late for a meeting?

Time for this shit, I do not have.

Me: Sorry for being late, I was having some computer issues.

Boss: Hard drive?

Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my laptop.

What did the guy who got fired for always being late say?

It was just a matter of time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Being late in war is a bad thing

So this guy joins the army, is always the last one for everything. Gets to the armory for his rifle and they tell him they ran out, the guy hands him a broomstick and the private asks “what am I going to do with this?” Gunny looks at him and says “just say bang bang bang every time you shoot”.
<...

Europeans announced they were going to increase penalties for driving with excessive speed and being late for work.

Its part of their sanctions package to target people who are Russian.

Carl had this problem of always being late for work...

His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Carl went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Carl slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work....

What did the microzoology student get for being late to class?

A tardigrade!

Being late to come home after work yet again husband calls his wife.

He says to her: Listen I am really sorry, I know I'm already late to come home. Do you remember that jewelry store we went to the other day?

The wife says: Yes!!

Husband: Well, I'm at the bar right across from it.

Three Russian men are in the gulag talking with each other.

They get to talking about why there were sent to the gulag.

“I was sent here for coming early to work in the factory. I was accused of trying to put myself ahead of my fellow worker.” The first one said.

“Aye comrad I was sent for being late to work at the factory. I was accused of d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny is playing with his electric train set in the living room…

…and his mom is in the kitchen when she hears him say, “The train has arrived at the station. All you mother-fuckers getting off, get off and all you mother-fuckers getting on, get on.”

She immediately scolds him for the language and puts him in time-out for 30 minutes. He comes back afterwar...

My professor decided to give me individual lessons as punishment for always being late. I was instructed to arrive half an hour before class started. “Remember”, he said, “if you’re on time, you’re late, but if you’re early, you’re on time”.

The next morning, I dashed straight to class, making it there exactly a half hour before class started, and unsure if this counted as being late.

“I’m here professor, what’s the lesson about?”, I asked.


“Well, it’s about time.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The first time I had sex with my girlfriend, all I could think of was my late wife.

I thought, “This’ll teach her for being late.”

Three Men were in a Soviet Prison.

One man asked another, "What are you in here for?"

The other man replied, "I was arrested for being late. They accused me of wanting to delay the victory of the Proletariat."

Another man chimed in, "I was arrested for being early. They accused me of wanting to be favored over my fellow...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man bursts into his therapist's office . . .

. . . apologizing for being late because he overslept. "But I had an Incredible breakthrough in my dream. I was talking to my mother and she suddenly turned into YOU! That's when I woke up, got dressed, grabbed a coke and a donut, and rushed to your office".

The therapist says "a coke and a d...

Charles, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charles, I have to tel...

Its time for class, Ms. Smith noticed a few empty seats, 3 students were late.

"Good morning everyone, we have a new student to greet today, his name is Timmy, although he appears to be late."

Just then, Jen walks into class "sorry im late Ms. Smith, I lost track of time while blowing bubbles."
"That's okay Jen, just dont make a habit out of it okay?" Ms. Smith repli...

Why do the special needs kids never get in trouble for being late to class?

They're expected to be a little tardy...

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