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Balls Jokes

As I lay in bed, I felt a hand reach into my boxers and start to play with my balls. It was nice, but I wasn’t in the mood “Not tonight” I whispered “I’m tired”

“That’s not how it works in here” said my cellmate.

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So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter...

When I thought to myself "Man...I'm fucking nuts."

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A woman walks into a bank to deposit $100,000 in cash

The bank manager decides to handle this himself, as it’s such a large deposit. As he is processing her request, he asks, “Do you mind if I ask what it is you do for a living?”.

She says, “I make bets with people…For example, I bet you $50,000 that your testicles are cube shaped, like dice”....

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How Do You Know If Someone’s Balls Are Ticklish?

You give them a test tickle.

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Sport Balls

At age 25 men play basketball
At age 40 men play tennis
At age 60 men play golf

The moral of the story is the older you get the smaller your balls get

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I tried dipping my balls in holy water and a nun caught me.

I told her I wanted my nuts to feel the power of God, but she said that was sack religious.

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What has six balls and screws everybody?

The lottery.

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Did you hear about the guy that dipped his balls in glitter?

Pretty nuts, huh ?

Why do mice have such small balls?

Because not many of them know how to dance.

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[NSFW] My girlfriend wanted to find out if my balls were super sensitive or not

So she gave them a test tickle.

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If you have two green balls in your hand, what else do you have?

Kermit’s undivided attention.

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I hit two good balls out golfing today.

I stepped on the bunker rake.

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What has 90 balls and fucks old ladies?

Bingo

What do you call an alien with three balls?

An extrateressticle

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The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal...

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I was having sex with Vladimir Lenin and he asked me to grab his balls

Well what he really said was ‘seize the means of reproduction’

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Two guys walk past a dog that is licking his balls

One man says, "I wish I could do that". The other guy says, "Maybe you should try petting him first".

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

You walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros.

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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.


The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.


Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."


Nevertheless, ...

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I have to commend my friend for having a lot of balls to sign up for the Reality TV show, “Embarrassing Bodies”.

Three, to be exact.

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One day a man wakes up and finds out he has 3 balls

He decides to go see a doctor but was a little embarrassed to address his problem so he says...

MAN: Hey Doc, between you and me we have 5 balls.

The doctor, extremely baffled by this jumps off his chair and says...

DOC: WHATTTT ?!!?!! You have no balls?

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What do you call it when a woman sucks on the balls of a crazy person?

A nut job

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later..

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

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I really wanted to write a joke about my successful transition surgery.

But I don’t have the balls to do it.

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A Wife and Balls

Every night after sex wife starts rubbing her husband's balls.
Husband liked it for a week but then asked her curiously "Why do you do that? "
Wife: Because I miss mine.

Where do psychics buy their crystal balls?

The Seers Catalogue

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I tried to flatulate while lying on my back but my balls got in the way

It was a scrotal eclipse of the fart

Two rednecks are sitting on the porch when they see a dog lick his balls.

One says, “Boy, I wish I could do that.”

The other redneck says, “Be careful. He bit me.”

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If you punch your own balls and it hurts, does that make you strong or weak?

Stupid, it makes you stupid

What do to call it when a ballerina kicks someone in the balls?

A nutcracker!

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How do you tell if someone's balls are sensitive?

Give them a test-tickle

Have you ever smelled moth balls?

I can never get their tiny legs apart.

This guy is walking down the street with his best friend and sees a Golden Retriever licking its balls…

He says… “What I wouldn’t do to be able to do that!”

He friend said if I was you, I’d pet him first!

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That spot between your balls and your inner thigh, y'know they call that your "groin"?

I had no idea. I went my whole life thinking people had cockpits.

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My friend told me if I put the end of my penis in ice water my balls would stop itching.

Cool tip.

Why is it in poor taste to make fun of grandpa's balls?

It is low hanging fruit.

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

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Guys without balls applies for a job

"You're hired! Report tomorrow at 8am"
\- Thanks! There's just one detail I'd like you to know about me. I lost my balls during the war. But I can otherwise function perfectly fine.
"Ah ok, then you can come tomorrow at 9am"
\- Sir, I appreciate the consideration, but I do not expect ...

What do you call a dog w no hind legs and brass balls?

Sparky!

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No balls.

A bloke goes to the council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him,"Are you allergic to anything"?
He replies, "Yes caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before."
"Yes I was in the army"he says,I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, ...

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Banker's balls (nsfw)

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office....

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Balls

A group of generals and an admiral are all fishing off a pier one crisp fall afternoon. They each have a personal aide* with them. The topic of which branch has the biggest balls comes up and the debate get's pretty heated.

The Navy admiral takes his hat* off and throws it into the lake. "Sea...

What's the difference between Greta Thunberg and Andrew Tate

Greta was nominated for the Nobel Prize, and awarded Tate the No-balls prize.

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why doesnt a snake have balls?

because it would look like a penis

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Lost golf balls

A man slices his golf ball into a cow pasture. He hops the fence and starts looking for it. To his surprise, a woman golfer is out there too hacking around looking for her ball. Suddenly the man spies a golf ball wedged in a cow’s vagina. He thinks for a minute that he has found his ball, but no, it...

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Balls..

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant
following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the
next table. Not only did it look good, but the
smell was wonderful.

He asked the waite...

I don't get why people think pee is stored in the balls. It is a fact that pee is stored in the BLADDER.

There is a vas deferens between the two.

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there was a guy with 3 balls

he went to the doctor to get this checked, but he was too embarrassed to tell this straight to the doctor so he told the doctor: you know that thind we have down there? lets just say me and you together have 5 of them. so the doctor tells him surprised: are you trying to tell me you have only one ba...

I love the smell of moth balls...

but it's so hard to hold their little legs apart.

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A man and a woman debate whether it is more painful to give birth or to be kicked in the balls

The man argues: Many women after one or two years say 'Honey, do you want to have another child?' but I aint seeing no man saying 'Huh, I fancy getting kicked in the balls again'

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

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balls

balls defines a man, if you have 1 ball you are half a man, if you have two then you're a real man, if you have three then you're even manlier, if four, HEY GET UP, SOMEONE IS FUCKING YOU !

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My 10 year old son made this one up. Why doesn't a snowman wear snow pants?

Because his snow balls are too big.

What does a man who's had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?

Decorative balls.

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The cheapest meat is deer balls

They’re under a buck!!!

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A guy with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach... (Warning: dark humor)

Then this beautiful, voluptuous blonde comes walking by, sees the crippled guy and starts pitying him. So she walks up to him and asks him: “Would you like a kiss?”

The guy looks up and says a bit hesitantly “Um… yes!”

So the woman bends down and the two of them make out for a long whi...

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My friend is convinced he has the biggest balls in the world

He's so egotestical.

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They DoD realized they have too many Generals.

So they offer a retirement package where they have a doctor measure the distance between any two points on their body and they get $10,000 for every inch.

An Air Force General is the first two take the offer and has the doctor measure him from the top of this head to the bottom of this feet. ...

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

... when suddenly they started to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.

Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”

Biden throws out an AR-15 and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my...

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The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

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Load of balls

While holidaying in southern Spain a man visits a local restaurant – where he sees a diner happily wolfing down two large pink objects. ‘I’ll have those, please,’ he tells the waiter.

‘I’m sorry, Senor,’ comes the reply, ‘but they are cojones – the testicles of the bull killed in the local bu...

What happened when Cinderella reached the ball

She gagged

(Wasn’t my joke, just heard online)

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A marine general, an army general, and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men...

The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"

The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"

The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"

Without hesitating, the private kills the man.

The gener...

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balls

A man was born with 3 testicles, and he barely told anyone.

One day, he can't keep this secret no more, he approach to a guy and say : "You and I have 5 balls totally you know?"

The man surprised and said : "You only got one testicle?"

Each branch has a military ball (Navy Ball, Army Ball, etc.)

And it warms my heart to know that one branch will be having "Space Balls" from here on out.

Uvalde citizen gets pulled over

A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."

The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uval...

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Why is Putin and Zelensky neighbors?

Apparently a big dick needs a great set of balls next to it.

(Came up on my own :,))





Edit no. Unknown- Thank you for redditors who pointed out the mistakes in my post. Sadly, I can’t change the title. It is “Are” instead of “Is”.

Why do health inspectors get blue balls?

Because they can’t come on the weekends

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A guy walked into a bar with a monkey

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swall...

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

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What kind of balls does Elon Musk have?

Teslacles.

Why don't ants have balls?

Cause then they'd be uncles!

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Why is president Zelensky still in Kiev?

His humongous balls keep getting stuck in the doorway.

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F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

It takes a lot of balls....

...to play tennis!

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A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins !" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little...

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Why are a gingers balls the most patriotic?

They're red, white and blue

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