What do baseball pitchers and TSA agents have in common?

Fireworks go off in the sky if they do their job incorrectly.

A brain and a set of jumper cables walk into a bar and order a pitcher of beer.

The bartender refuses to serve them and asks them to leave.

When the brain asks why, the bartender says, "Well, you're clearly out of your head, and I think you're friend is going to try to start something!"

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Do not read this [OC] joke.

...I was in some South Dakotan ‘mountains’ ...or ‘rolling hills’ as the rest of the world would call them. It was just a fun journey to burn an afternoon and prep my legs for a trip with my friends to Yosemite. (I would actually go on to propose to my girlfriend at the top of Yosemite Falls, and we’...

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A man is walking by a bar one evening

When he sees a sign in the window with the words “FREE Beer for a year! Inquire within!”
The man, having nothing better to do, decides go in:

“Hey, you’ve got a sign out there talking about free beer, what’s that all about?”

(The bartender)”Oh yeah, I put that up a couple of days ...

I hate having to keep going to the kitchen to fill my glass of water.

Take a pitcher it will last longer

Two old men, who are growing very old and love the sport of baseball make a pact with each other one day...

These men love the game, they always talk the off-season trades, the winter meetings, watch every game of the season, and recollect on the players of their hay day. So they decide to form a pact. The first one to die will come back to the other and inform them if there is baseball in heaven.

...

What do you say if someone won't stop describing a jug?

Okay, I get the pitcher

Paddy had just arrived in New York from Ireland and was invited by one of his American cousins to go to his first baseball game.

Seated in the Yankee Stadium bleachers, he watched as a man swung a
stick, hit a ball and started toward a white bag
down the line. Everyone stood up and yelled,
"Run, run!"
Then a second guy came up to the plate,
whacked the ball and started down toward the
white bag. Everyone sto...

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

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A man walks into a bar with a frog in his shirt pocket..

The man sits down and says to the bartender,

"Give me a pitcher of beer and a clean ashtray so my buddy here can drink."

Now taking the frog from his pocket and placing it on the bar. Puzzled but intrigued the bartender fills his request.

Time passes and people are glancing a...

Some people say that baseball is a boring sport, I just tell them that with a good pitcher...

Things can get out of hand pretty quickly.

At a job interview, I sat down at at the table and in front of me was a pitcher of water and an empty cup. I poured too much and the cup started to overflow.

"Nervous?" The interviewer asked me.
"No," I responded, "I always give 110%"

Why couldn't T-ball coach drink the koolaid?

He didn't have a pitcher

I dropped my phone in a pitcher of beer this weekend...

Now it only drunk dials and does last call.

Three Marines sitting in a bar...

The first guy says, "This is great but, back home in Chicago we have a bar called Tony's. When you buy a pizza and pitcher of beer, Tony buys you your second pitcher of beer!"

They all agree Tony's sounds great. The second guy said, "That's nothin. Back in California we have a bar called J...

Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?

He threw his arm out.

I don't get how pitchers ever throw strikes

Every time I watch, they always throw balls

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Two guys walk into a bar

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table.
The barkeep comes over to them and asks, "What can I serve you gentlemen?"

One of them says to the barkeep, "I'll bet you a pitcher of your finest beer that I can lick my eye."

The barkeep says, "I've had guys come in here that could...

Since puzzle jokes are the theme of the week, here's how I first heard this one: a half-dozen blondes walk into a bar and order a pitcher of beer.

The bartender brings out a pitcher.  The blondes pour themselves a round, raise their glasses, shout "TWENTY-SIX DAYS!", clink their glasses together and drain them.

They order another pitcher.  The bartender brings it out.  The blondes pour again, raise their glas...

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So I had a job interview the other day...

I sat down in front of the interviewer, and immediately grabbed the pitcher of water. Slightly shaking, I poured the water to the brim of the glass...but then overfilled it, spilling a good portion of the liquid across the surface of the desk.

Smiling, the interviewer said: "Nervous?"

...

Just found out I've been using my Britta pitcher wrong for the last 2 months

#nofilter

What's Kool-Aid man's favorite sport?

Baseball. He's a pitcher.

The bet

A man walks into a bar and yells to the bartender, "I bet you 500 bucks I can fill an entire pitcher with pee!"

The bartender scoffs, rolling his eyes, "No thanks, we already serve American beer"

Why aren't hippies good pitchers?

Because they're always high and outside.

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Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink...

A man walks into a bar....

...sits down, orders a beer, and begins to gaze longingly at the barmaid. The barmaid hands him the beer, returns the stare and says... "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."

Two baseball fanatics...

Jake and Johnny were the best of friends and fanatical about the game of baseball. While watching the World Series the two pondered if baseball existed in heaven.

"You think heaven will have baseball?," asked Jake.

"I certainly hope so!," Johnny said. "Tell you what, let's make a deal...

I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!

So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"

My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.

It took him a couple of...

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A guy walks into a bar...

He sits down at the bar, orders his drink and looks around the room.

In a booth in the back corner, he notices George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Condoleezza Rice sharing a few pitchers of beer.

He asks the bartender if it is actually them and it's confirmed.

So after about an hour a...

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Two Friends were out drinking in a bar for their weekly drinking session.

Their names are Brad and Josh. They have been drinking at the same bar on the same day of the week every single week for 4 years now and the bartenders usually just close the bar and leave the doors unlocked for them to leave when they want to.

Brad lives in a bungalow just across the street ...

A boy was at a lemonade stand.

He was deciding between a glass or a full pitcher. He told the seller he was really thirsty, to which they replied, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer".

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The New Priest

The new priest, at his first mass, was so afraid he could hardly speak. Before his next service, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. "Next week", said the Monsignor, "it may help if you add some gin to the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly."

That Sunday the ...

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So, there's these two tomatoes who are best friends ...

Ever since they grew up on the vine together, they've been inseparable. They played little league together, they had home room together all through high school, they even double dated to prom and shared a limo. As time went on, though, they slowly lost touch. During university they slowly lost touch...

A Scotsman goes to America and attends his very baseball game.

He’s never been to a game in Scotland, nor watched a game on TV, or seen movies such as Bull Durham, The Babe or Eight Men Out.

He figures out players need to beat out the throw to first base before arriving to first base

The visiting teams pitcher throws 4 pitches out of the strike zo...

A boy stands in his yard with a baseball and bat...

He proudly proclaims "I'm the greatest batter in the world!" He proceeds to toss the ball in the air swings with all his might. He misses and falls to the ground. "Strike one". He tosses the ball again, keeping his eye on it and swings. The ball hits the found with a thud, "strike two". He tosses t...

A British Explorer is Captured by a Tribe in Africa

Whilst searching through the jungles of colonial Africa, a British explorer is captured by a gang of savages. They tie him up and take him to their local village, where they tie him to a stake and prepare to cook and eat him.

As the firewood is being placed around his feet, the tribe leader a...

Jay-Z owned a baseball team.

From day one, it was a foregone conclusion that it would be a cellar-dwelling team. Everyone on that team had a batting average of below .150, and not a single player scored a home-run. The defense was horrible; every outfielder was scared of fly-balls, the infielders couldn’t catch line drives to s...

She was already feeling very annoyed that night

The skimpy uniform the bar owner made them all wear was bad enough. It helped with tips, she guessed, and as a newly single mom she had to do whatever she could to pay the bills.

But the men! She could feel their oozing gazes following her as she buzzed around the room carrying drinks and cle...

A group of blondes walk into a bar

They immediately start to set up what looks like a big celebration; they order numerous pitchers of beer, then push tables together, one of them even hangs a big banner over it. As they're celebrating, the bartender notices that the banner says **"51 DAYS!"**

Curious, he walks over to the...

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Paddy walks into a bar.

"How much is lager?"
Barman: "£3 a pint and £10 a pitcher"
Paddy: "I'll just have a pint, fuck the photo"

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A guy walks into a bar

Tells the bartender "I'll bet you $100.00 I can chug your biggest pitcher of beer in less than 10 seconds"
Bartender gives him a gallon pitcher and the guy chugs it in 9 seconds so bartender pays him.
A little while later the guy says "I'll bet you another $100.00 I can chug two of those pitch...

They told me to imagine a guy holding a jug full of water.

But I just couldn't pitcher it.

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The Cure for Hiccups

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he has anything to cure hiccups. The pharmacist says he does! So the pharmacist pulls out a glass and a pitcher of water. Then he starts filling the glass. He poured very slowly, and as the last little bit entered the cup, he let out a very loud...

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A man is on his way into the pub when a nun steps in front of him...

...and says, "Stop! For the sake of your soul, I implore you!"

The man takes a step back and says, "Can I help you with something, sister? I was just on my way in for a pint."

"A pint?" she asks, "Twenty pints is more like it! You were going in there to get drunk, and drunkenness is a ...

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD...

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No one can drink that much beer!

A woman and her husband go into a bar

The husband drink three pitchers in ten minutes.

He goes to the bathroom to empty out his bladder.

While inside a raggedy man comes up to his wife and says "I want to kiss you"

"My husband's in the bathroom! Absolutely not!" She ret...

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Sweet Tea

A doctor walks in an exam room to find a woman crying. She has two black eyes, her make up is running, and generally looks like shit. This is not going to be a standard check-up, he thinks to himself. "What happened to you?" asked the Doc.


The woman breaks down even further and can ba...

Baseball Date

A young lady from a very conservative family is finally allowed to go on her first date. The young man picks her up and they go to a baseball game.

The game was a little boring, so to avoid any awkwardness, the guy gets an idea. He says to his date, "I have a little game we can play, if you...

So a baseball rolls into a bar.

The bartender looks at him and says "You must be here for a pitcher!"

[Edit] I'm pretty sure I made this joke up y'all!

Did you hear about the water thief-turned-photographer?

Apparently he was a great pitcher-taker.

(Credit goes to my husband.)

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A man sees a pickle jar filled with money

A man goes into a bar for a drink. He gets a few beers and then sees a pickle jar behind the bar filled with 10 dollar bills, he asks the bartender "What's with the money in that jar?". The bartender replies, "It's a challenge we have in here, everyone puts in 10 dollars and then tries their hand at...

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A man got fired from his job.

When he sat at the bar he began to cry with his hands over his face. The bartender walks over and tells him to calm down.

The crying man catches his breath enough to explain he just lost his job and can't face his wife or son now. "We're going to lose the house, his birthday presents and I ca...

3 engineers are debating what kind of engineer God is

The first, a mechanical engineer, says, "He must be a mechanical engineer. Just think about a pitcher throwing a baseball 100mph, the forces are unreal. God has to be a mechanical engineer."

The second, an electrical engineer, says "No way, he has to be an electrical engineer. Just look at th...

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So this man is about to go down to the bar...

...but his wife says: "You're not going to the bar again. Last time you went there you came home with puke all over your shirt!". Husband responds: "Alright, but I really want to meet up with the guys, so I promise, I'm not going to drink anything". The wife's okay with that and lets him go.

...

32 Days

A bartender was working at his bar, when in walks 3 blondes. They seem very happy and excited. They are carrying a small picture and are chanting "32 days", "32 days", "32 days". Obviously very please with themselves, they sit down and order a pitcher of Margareta, that the bartender brings them. Af...

Know how to get a lot of head?

Give Michael J. Fox a pitcher of beer

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I just thought up a misogynist syllepsis:

She spilled a pitcher of ice water in my lap, so I cold-cocked her.

Baseball in heaven

Two men, John and Joe, had loved baseball their entire lives and in their old age they would talk about whether or not there was baseball in heaven. They both agreed that whoever died first had to come back and give the other an answer. Joe passed away at the age of 86, and John anxiously awaited fo...

Joke from the rabbi of one of the synagogues I went to.

A professional baseball player was very religious. So religious, in fact, that every time he stepped up to the plate he would cross himself.

During a particular game, he was facing a particularly impatient pitcher. The batter stepped out to cross himself, and the pitcher yelled out, "Hey! Why...

Favorite joke of my late grandfather

A British man comes to America and decides he needs to do at least one really American thing before he leaves. He decides to go to a baseball game. After a couple of innings he thinks that he's got the gist of it and when the next batter hits he stands up in his seat and says "Run swiftly my man, ru...

A Scotsman Visits his Pen Pal in New York City...

and they decide to catch a Yankee's game.

Now, the Scotsman was unlearned in the rules and dynamics of America's past time, so his friend took it upon himself to preach the religion of baseball.

The first batter pops a fly out to center field.

"Now, you see there? How the outfie...

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