UPJOKE
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Did you hear about Bruce Banner losing his temper at the Avengers' pool party?

He made a Hulk Splash

"I will avenge my brother!"

Archer: "You have my bow"

Warrior: "And my blade"

Necromancer: "And your brother"

(Possibly a repost, can't remember where I heard this one)

Did you hear? One of the Avengers got hit by a shrink ray.

He's fine, but he might be a little Thor for a while.

The Hero: I'm on a quest to avenge the death of my Father!

The Paladin: You have my sword!

The Elf: And my bow!

The Dwarf: And my axe!

The Necromancer: And your father!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 whale friends are swimming in the ocean

After a while, they spot a boat and one of the whales goes 'hey! That's the boat that harpooned my father!'

'We have to avenge him!' said the other whale.

So they decided to swim under the boat and blow out of their blowholes at the same time, so the boat would capsize and the men wo...

One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers.

One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers. They traveled to a Hydra base surrounded by four barriers.

When they got to the first barrier, Hulk smashed it.

When they got to the second barrier, Tony Stark fired up his Iron Man suit and blasted a hole through it.

When they got to the t...

Why were the Avengers so tired after saving New York?

They were up all night to get Loki.

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

Someone said I look like Thor from The Avengers

They have only seen The End Game

The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him.

He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!

Why were the Avengers sent to Prison?

They forgot to ask the Age of Ultron.

The “Avengers: Endgame” trailer had 289 million views in 24 hours.

It would have been 578 million views, but...

A group of movie producers are working on the next avengers/MCU movie

Producer 1: Does anyone have any ideas for the villain?

Producer 2: Ok, how about a 14 foot tall, flaming eye-ball, with poison swords for arms, who shoots lasers from his feet, and has a pet llama made of diamonds

Head producer: You’re over-thinking this, let’s just keep it low-key

Thanos was crazy in Avengers Infinity Wars!

He snapped.

Thuperheroeth

A guy was walking down the street when he glanced down an alley and saw that it was almost entirely demolished. In the center of the rubble laid a man with all his teeth missing and blood pouring from his mouth.

The bystander ran up to the injured man. "What happened?"

"Well, I wath ...

Marvel just did the most risky marketing move of all time.

Announcing “Avengers: Secret Wars” to the public kind of defeats the purpose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

So I finally watched Avengers Endgame last night...

It's about time

I don’t know why everyone thinks Avengers: Endgame is long...

Isn’t it Marvell Studios’ twenty second movie?

What do you call the Avenger that's not really part of the main group and usually only plays a small role in their missions?

Peripheral Vision

#

Who was the Avenger from Scotland?

H-och aye!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Mild Infinity War Spoiler] Did you guys see Peter Dinklage in the new Avengers film?

It was his biggest role to date.

Why do the avengers make Black Widow share her location on her phone?

To stop her from Romanoff

Avengers Endgame Spoiler [Joke, no real spoilers]

Buddy: Yo so I just watched Avengers Endgame, and you know what happened?

Me: Might as well tell me, so many spoilers on social media anyway

Buddy: Well, I was at the theater, and I saw your girl with another dude...

My wife bought us an avengers puzzle to do together...

I said great. We can put some music on, have a few drinks and assemble the avengers.

My weekend was like the movie “The Avengers”

Loki

What does Mike Tyson say after a good workout with the Avengers?

I'm Thor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Avengers went to go and visit a child in the hospital on Friday.

The lucky kid gets to meet Stan Lee on Saturday.

The ending of Avengers endgame:

A bunch of names scrolling across the screen.

What did the wind turbine say to his favorite avenger

Wow, I am I huge fan

Guess which Avenger paid the least taxes this year?

Spiderman, because his entire income was net income

How do the fallen avengers talk to each other?

Snapchat.

The avengers “infinity war” movie was almost 3 hours...

But I felt like it ended in a snap!

Did you see the new Avengers movie?

It was over in a snap

My friend told me that avengers endgame is twenty second film in the series.

It sure felt longer than that.

I saw avengers endgame today, I want my money back.

The last 20 minutes were blurry as hell.

So Marvel and Ikea decided to do a crossover series. Marvel replaced the "Suit up" catchphrase with...

..."Avengers Assemble".

What STD did Thanos give the Avengers?

Goneorrhea.

Bro, I just watched avengers endgame, wanna hear a spoiler?

"Okay, tell me I'm not scared."

"I saw your girlfriend with someone else in the theater."

I HAVE FOUND A MASSIVE LOOPHOLE IN AVENGERS: ENDGAME

How are HE and BW able to receive the soulstone when a soul must traded for it?

Since you know.... BW is a ginger and all :)

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What does an Avenger use for a sex toy?

Vibranium

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Avengers were on a mission to save the Egyptian god of the sun.

Thanos, with the help of the Reality Stone, turned the god into a baby and usurped his powers. As he was about to kill him, in the nick of time, the Avengers showed up.

Diving forward, Captain America managed to snatch away the baby while Thanos was busy with his monologue. Realizing this, T...

Today, someone told me that, in the next Avengers movie, the Thor Hammer was replaced with a Thor Axe.

My first thought was “What kind of lame weapon is an insect abdomen?”

I wish I can be Iron Man in Avengers:Endgame

Dead.

As it was past Thanos fighting very hard with present Avengers, he was literally fighting for his future.

The battle was actually pretty..... In tense.







A polo G if repost.

Uncle Ben probably wouldn't have discouraged Peter from joining the Avengers

But his Aunt May

(non-spoiler) Why could't Team Avengers sign Steve Rogers?

They didn't have enough cap space.

Hawkeye realised he wasn't strong enough to be in the Avengers

So he handed in his too weak notice

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill.

"$3", says the bartender.

The man just for fun goes on and places a $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.

This happened for 3-4 days an...

I really do wish Marvel would re-release The Avengers with Clark Gregg and Samuel L. Jackson swapping roles...

Black Coulson, wontcha come...

Why does the cast of the Avengers not know the full script of the movie yet?

The writers are trying to keep things Loki.

Man people have really short attention span for Avengers: Endgame

It's a twenty second movie after all.

Avengers cast

Interviewer: are you a human

Avengers endgame cast: I am not sure if I am aloud to tell you that

Which one of the Avengers would hurt the most if he shrank down in size like Ant-Man?

Thor. Because he would be a little Thor.

The avengers walk into a bar

Except vision. He phased.

I really don't understand why some people chooses to be child free.

Have they ever stop and think about who's going to avenge their death if they get murdered?

[Marvel Avengers Age of Ultron Spoilers] If Captain Americas shield is made of Vibranium what is Hawkeye's shield made of?

Quicksilver

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't the Avengers fight Thanos in the dark?

Their Vision's fucking useless.

Avengers endgame trailer becomes most viewed trailer in history with 289M views in 24 hours ...

This could have been double only if Thanos had not snapped his fingers

Why did the Avengers have the best float at the parade?

They had a gigantic Banner!

Why is Daredevil not a part of the Avengers?

Because he doesn't work with Vision

Avengers

The journey isnt watching the movie.
Its getting their before somebody spoils it for you.

Why is the villain of Avengers: Infinity War so good at tracking Infinity Stones?

Because he's good at smelling... he's The Nose.

Why do the Avengers keep calling Spiderman over to fix their computer?

Because they heard he's a web developer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is common between Marvel Avengers and Politicians.

Both fight among themselves to stay in business.
Every fucking movie.

What does the Incredible Hulk bring to the Avenger's Thanksgiving meal?

Smashed potatoes.

What did Joss say on the last day of shooting the Avengers?

Whedon?

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well outside town. One day a young woman went to the well to fetch water, and the well heard her crying and asked: "What's wrong?"



She stopped her sobbing and asked the well, "You can talk?"



"Yes," said t...

A knight’s brother was slain in battle by monster

Knight: I will avenge the death of my brother!

Hunter: You have my bow!

Warrior: And my axe!

Mage: And my staff!

Necromancer: And your dead brother!

Jeff was a prolific name dropper and his mate Jack had had enough.

“Surely you don’t know every person you mention,” he said.

“Sure do,” replied Jeff. “I know them all.”

Wanting proof, Jack wagered Jeff that he could find someone he didn’t know, a bet that Jeff accepted. They jumped on a plane and flew to Marvel Studios.

“OK,” said Jack, ...

Yo mama...

Yo mama so big that Thanos had to snap twice.

This may be a repost but my daughter just thought of it after watching Avengers Endgame.
I giggled.

A government agent is sent to a village

A government agent is sent to a small English village where there are reports of multiple deaths from tainted pharmaceuticals.

The villagers are unaware of the cause, but are nonetheless worried and ask the agent who is responsible for these deaths around the village.

The agent tells t...

Thor, Iron Man and Hulk walk into IKEA...

Avengers... Assemble

Tony Stark catching Nick Fury up on the events of Civil War

Tony: So anyway the Avengers broke up and Steve is a fugitive now.

Fury: Wait, are you serious?

Tony: No cap

What does Thanos and a child with cancer have in common?

All of the avengers show up for their endgame.

Why America failed to save the world from Coronavirus



Thor is in Asgard

Ironman died

Captain is now old

Hulk doesn't have much power. Rest of the Avengers are suffering from Corona and China ate Spiderman and Batman.

Bill Nye cloned himself with the help of Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Unfortunately, something went wrong in the cloning process and resulted in the clone being pure evil. As soon as he was released from the cloning vat, the evil clone killed the good Bill Nye and escaped. Much later, after hunting him for years, Neil deGrasse Tyson finally caught up with the evil clo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The White Knight and the Black Knight.

Note, this story was from Gigi Proietti, an Italian comedian who's from Rome, and I must say it loses a lot without the Roman accent and slang, but I'll try my best :D

The White Knight and the Black Knight.

So once there was this teacher, really passionate about his job, who always wan...

An Arab man slapped his wife, and she was insulted.

She went to her father and told him, "An eye for an eye. My husband has slapped me, and you must avenge me"

So her father asked, "On which cheek did did he slap you?"

"He slapped my left cheek."

So the father slapper his daughter on the right and said, "Be happy, I have avenge...

In the next Marvel movie I hear that Ironman, Captain America and the others will team up to battle Comcast .

It is called Avengers Xfinity Wars!

When Thanos snaps...

Avengers: Oh no, he did it he managed to get rid of half the universe we did not stop him there is no hope. We are in Endgame now.

Karen: ThE VaCCinEs TurNEd My KIdS tO DuSt !!!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 Whales [long]

2 Whales, a boy whale and a girl whale, are swimming in the ocean when they see a big whaling vessel. The boy whale freaks out.

"That's the ship that speared my father," the boy whale says to the girl whale. "We must avenge his death. Let's go underneath it and use our blowholes to capsize t...

Yo mama so fat

The avengers hired her for her ability to be everywhere at once!

Son:Mommy tell me something that would make me both happy and sad at the same time

Mom:The whole Avengers cast is coming to visit you next week

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Impressing a date.

After weeks of trying everything he could think of accountant Frank Lester finally got the beautiful new secretary, Amanda, to agree to go out on a date with him. In an effort to impress the young woman Frank spared no expense: he hired a driver, wore his best suit, and managed to get reservations a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Frank and Sally the Whales [long]

So two whales, Frank and Sally are swimming through the ocean eating various fish and plankton when they see a boat coming up on them.

Frank looks at the boat and says to Sally, "That is the whaling boat that killed uncle Sal."

Sally, skeptical, said "How do you know for sure?"

...

You are lying in the hospital thinking that you have got a small fever.

Then the full crew of Avengers comes to visit you.

So, in "Infinity War"...

Doctor Strange is in battle with Thanos. He sees all the future scenarios that are possible. He lets Thanos get the infinity gauntlet, allowing the deaths of half the universe. He never tells anyone what exactly he saw. The other Avengers saw this as being an incredibly cruel decision to make.
...

My son thinks it's unfair that he has to wait 24 more days until Christmas...

I told him "yeah? Try waiting for the Avengers 4 trailer then..."

What's the difference between bruce banner and bruce jenner?

One turned into a terrifying monster, the other is an avenger.

(Infinity War Speculation) When Thanos gains the mind stone, he will turn into Palpatine.

Because The Avengers will pay for their lack of Vision.

What did people call Iron Man after he started playing "League of Legends?"

The Toxic Avenger.

Marvel just announced the title of the Infinity War sequel. [spoiler]

Avengers: Days of Future Past

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