UPJOKE
revengepunishkillretaliatevengeanceretributionassassinationmassacremurderousassassinateslaycarnagesuicidebloodshedmourn

Avenge Jokes

One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers.

One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers. They traveled to a Hydra base surrounded by four barriers.

When they got to the first barrier, Hulk smashed it.

When they got to the second barrier, Tony Stark fired up his Iron Man suit and blasted a hole through it.

When they got to the t...

I will avenge the death of my brother! Who is with me?

Warrior: You have my axe!

Hunter: And my bow!

Necromancer: And your brother!

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

"I will avenge my brother!"

Archer: "You have my bow"

Warrior: "And my blade"

Necromancer: "And your brother"

(Possibly a repost, can't remember where I heard this one)

The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him.

He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!

The Hero: I'm on a quest to avenge the death of my Father!

The Paladin: You have my sword!

The Elf: And my bow!

The Dwarf: And my axe!

The Necromancer: And your father!

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill.

"$3", says the bartender.

The man just for fun goes on and places a $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.

This happened for 3-4 days an...

The “Avengers: Endgame” trailer had 289 million views in 24 hours.

It would have been 578 million views, but...

People often arguing about which Avenger is the best. Cap, Iron man, Thor...mine is Antman.

I can't help but cheer for an Ant-y hero.

Did you hear about Bruce Banner losing his temper at the Avengers' pool party?

He made a Hulk Splash

What did Optimus Prime say when he came back from Ikea?

Autobots, assemble!


(edit : a big ♥ to all the kind people who made this silly post live despite the fact I mix up Autobots and Avengers. Long live the Autovengers!)

Why do the avengers never lie?

If they did, someone would call Cap.

Why were the Avengers sent to Prison?

They forgot to ask the Age of Ultron.

Someone said I look like Thor from The Avengers

They have only seen The End Game

Who was the Avenger from Scotland?

H-och aye!

So I finally watched Avengers Endgame last night...

It's about time

Avengers Endgame Spoiler [Joke, no real spoilers]

Buddy: Yo so I just watched Avengers Endgame, and you know what happened?

Me: Might as well tell me, so many spoilers on social media anyway

Buddy: Well, I was at the theater, and I saw your girl with another dude...

Avengers cast

Interviewer: are you a human

Avengers endgame cast: I am not sure if I am aloud to tell you that

The ending of Avengers endgame:

A bunch of names scrolling across the screen.

I don’t know why everyone thinks Avengers: Endgame is long...

Isn’t it Marvell Studios’ twenty second movie?

Avengers

The journey isnt watching the movie.
Its getting their before somebody spoils it for you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Mild Infinity War Spoiler] Did you guys see Peter Dinklage in the new Avengers film?

It was his biggest role to date.

My weekend was like the movie “The Avengers”

Loki

What STD did Thanos give the Avengers?

Goneorrhea.

My wife bought us an avengers puzzle to do together...

I said great. We can put some music on, have a few drinks and assemble the avengers.

A group of movie producers are working on the next avengers/MCU movie

Producer 1: Does anyone have any ideas for the villain?

Producer 2: Ok, how about a 14 foot tall, flaming eye-ball, with poison swords for arms, who shoots lasers from his feet, and has a pet llama made of diamonds

Head producer: You’re over-thinking this, let’s just keep it low-key

Guess which Avenger paid the least taxes this year?

Spiderman, because his entire income was net income

The avengers “infinity war” movie was almost 3 hours...

But I felt like it ended in a snap!

What'd Thanos do when the avengers made him mad?

He Snapped

How do the fallen avengers talk to each other?

Snapchat.

Why do the avengers make Black Widow share her location on her phone?

To stop her from Romanoff

What does Mike Tyson say after a good workout with the Avengers?

I'm Thor.

I HAVE FOUND A MASSIVE LOOPHOLE IN AVENGERS: ENDGAME

How are HE and BW able to receive the soulstone when a soul must traded for it?

Since you know.... BW is a ginger and all :)

What did the wind turbine say to his favorite avenger

Wow, I am I huge fan

I saw avengers endgame today, I want my money back.

The last 20 minutes were blurry as hell.

I wish I can be Iron Man in Avengers:Endgame

Dead.

(non-spoiler) Why could't Team Avengers sign Steve Rogers?

They didn't have enough cap space.

The avengers walk into a bar

Except vision. He phased.

Bro, I just watched avengers endgame, wanna hear a spoiler?

"Okay, tell me I'm not scared."

"I saw your girlfriend with someone else in the theater."

In Avengers: Infinity War, Thanos absolutely went crazy.

He snapped.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does an Avenger use for a sex toy?

Vibranium

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Avengers went to go and visit a child in the hospital on Friday.

The lucky kid gets to meet Stan Lee on Saturday.

Uncle Ben probably wouldn't have discouraged Peter from joining the Avengers

But his Aunt May

Man people have really short attention span for Avengers: Endgame

It's a twenty second movie after all.

Did you hear about Avengers: Infinity Wars?

It's said to be Marvel-ous!

My friend told me that avengers endgame is twenty second film in the series.

It sure felt longer than that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't the Avengers fight Thanos in the dark?

Their Vision's fucking useless.

The Avengers must love Daft Punk

They were up all night to get Loki

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is common between Marvel Avengers and Politicians.

Both fight among themselves to stay in business.
Every fucking movie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Avengers were on a mission to save the Egyptian god of the sun.

Thanos, with the help of the Reality Stone, turned the god into a baby and usurped his powers. As he was about to kill him, in the nick of time, the Avengers showed up.

Diving forward, Captain America managed to snatch away the baby while Thanos was busy with his monologue. Realizing this, T...

Why is Daredevil not a part of the Avengers?

Because he doesn't work with Vision

Why did the Avengers have the best float at the parade?

They had a gigantic Banner!

What does the Incredible Hulk bring to the Avenger's Thanksgiving meal?

Smashed potatoes.

What do you call the Avenger that's not really part of the main group and usually only plays a small role in their missions?

Peripheral Vision

#

Why is the villain of Avengers: Infinity War so good at tracking Infinity Stones?

Because he's good at smelling... he's The Nose.

Why do the Avengers keep calling Spiderman over to fix their computer?

Because they heard he's a web developer

Today, someone told me that, in the next Avengers movie, the Thor Hammer was replaced with a Thor Axe.

My first thought was “What kind of lame weapon is an insect abdomen?”

I really do wish Marvel would re-release The Avengers with Clark Gregg and Samuel L. Jackson swapping roles...

Black Coulson, wontcha come...

Which one of the Avengers would hurt the most if he shrank down in size like Ant-Man?

Thor. Because he would be a little Thor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 whale friends are swimming in the ocean

After a while, they spot a boat and one of the whales goes 'hey! That's the boat that harpooned my father!'

'We have to avenge him!' said the other whale.

So they decided to swim under the boat and blow out of their blowholes at the same time, so the boat would capsize and the men wo...

I really don't understand why some people chooses to be child free.

Have they ever stop and think about who's going to avenge their death if they get murdered?

An Arab man slapped his wife, and she was insulted.

She went to her father and told him, "An eye for an eye. My husband has slapped me, and you must avenge me"

So her father asked, "On which cheek did did he slap you?"

"He slapped my left cheek."

So the father slapper his daughter on the right and said, "Be happy, I have avenge...

What did Joss say on the last day of shooting the Avengers?

Whedon?

[Marvel Avengers Age of Ultron Spoilers] If Captain Americas shield is made of Vibranium what is Hawkeye's shield made of?

Quicksilver

Why would the Avengers have been better able to see a solution to the infinity war if Thanos had arrived just a couple of years later?

They'd have had 2020 Vision


(I'm so sorry)

Marvel just did the most risky marketing move of all time.

Announcing “Avengers: Secret Wars” to the public kind of defeats the purpose.

Thor, Iron Man and Hulk walk into IKEA...

Avengers... Assemble

So Marvel and Ikea decided to do a crossover series. Marvel replaced the "Suit up" catchphrase with...

..."Avengers Assemble".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

Thuperheroeth

A guy was walking down the street when he glanced down an alley and saw that it was almost entirely demolished. In the center of the rubble laid a man with all his teeth missing and blood pouring from his mouth.

The bystander ran up to the injured man. "What happened?"

"Well, I wath ...

In the next Marvel movie I hear that Ironman, Captain America and the others will team up to battle Comcast .

It is called Avengers Xfinity Wars!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The White Knight and the Black Knight.

Note, this story was from Gigi Proietti, an Italian comedian who's from Rome, and I must say it loses a lot without the Roman accent and slang, but I'll try my best :D

The White Knight and the Black Knight.

So once there was this teacher, really passionate about his job, who always wan...

What does Thanos and a child with cancer have in common?

All of the avengers show up for their endgame.

Tony Stark catching Nick Fury up on the events of Civil War

Tony: So anyway the Avengers broke up and Steve is a fugitive now.

Fury: Wait, are you serious?

Tony: No cap

Bill Nye cloned himself with the help of Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Unfortunately, something went wrong in the cloning process and resulted in the clone being pure evil. As soon as he was released from the cloning vat, the evil clone killed the good Bill Nye and escaped. Much later, after hunting him for years, Neil deGrasse Tyson finally caught up with the evil clo...

Why America failed to save the world from Coronavirus



Thor is in Asgard

Ironman died

Captain is now old

Hulk doesn't have much power. Rest of the Avengers are suffering from Corona and China ate Spiderman and Batman.

Yo mama so fat

The avengers hired her for her ability to be everywhere at once!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 Whales [long]

2 Whales, a boy whale and a girl whale, are swimming in the ocean when they see a big whaling vessel. The boy whale freaks out.

"That's the ship that speared my father," the boy whale says to the girl whale. "We must avenge his death. Let's go underneath it and use our blowholes to capsize t...

Son:Mommy tell me something that would make me both happy and sad at the same time

Mom:The whole Avengers cast is coming to visit you next week

When Thanos snaps...

Avengers: Oh no, he did it he managed to get rid of half the universe we did not stop him there is no hope. We are in Endgame now.

Karen: ThE VaCCinEs TurNEd My KIdS tO DuSt !!!!!

A government agent is sent to a village

A government agent is sent to a small English village where there are reports of multiple deaths from tainted pharmaceuticals.

The villagers are unaware of the cause, but are nonetheless worried and ask the agent who is responsible for these deaths around the village.

The agent tells t...

You are lying in the hospital thinking that you have got a small fever.

Then the full crew of Avengers comes to visit you.

My son thinks it's unfair that he has to wait 24 more days until Christmas...

I told him "yeah? Try waiting for the Avengers 4 trailer then..."

What did people call Iron Man after he started playing "League of Legends?"

The Toxic Avenger.

(Infinity War Speculation) When Thanos gains the mind stone, he will turn into Palpatine.

Because The Avengers will pay for their lack of Vision.

Mexican Drug Cartel

There was a man who went by the name of Juan, who lived in Mexico with his 14 brother and his 12 sisters.

Juan was involved in some pretty shady stuff, he was a distributed of product for a local gang.
One day, there was a big argument between the leader and Juan, later, Juan came home he ...

What's the difference between bruce banner and bruce jenner?

One turned into a terrifying monster, the other is an avenger.

Marvel just announced the title of the Infinity War sequel. [spoiler]

Avengers: Days of Future Past

So, in "Infinity War"...

Doctor Strange is in battle with Thanos. He sees all the future scenarios that are possible. He lets Thanos get the infinity gauntlet, allowing the deaths of half the universe. He never tells anyone what exactly he saw. The other Avengers saw this as being an incredibly cruel decision to make.
...

History class 2069

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

Living well

Once upon a time there was a small desert village with a single well outside town. One day a young woman went to the well to fetch water, and the well heard her crying, and asked “What’s wrong?”

She stopped her sobbing and asked the well “You can talk?”

“Yes,” said the well. “Long ago,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Impressing a date.

After weeks of trying everything he could think of accountant Frank Lester finally got the beautiful new secretary, Amanda, to agree to go out on a date with him. In an effort to impress the young woman Frank spared no expense: he hired a driver, wore his best suit, and managed to get reservations a...

Jeff was a prolific name dropper and his mate Jack had had enough.

“Surely you don’t know every person you mention,” he said.

“Sure do,” replied Jeff. “I know them all.”

Wanting proof, Jack wagered Jeff that he could find someone he didn’t know, a bet that Jeff accepted. They jumped on a plane and flew to Marvel Studios.

“OK,” said Jack, ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.