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Atone Jokes

Two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14..

One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.

"Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked u...

‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.’

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Joe?' 'Yes, Father’ ‘Who’s the gal you were with?' 'I won’t tell, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' ‘Was it Jane marlow?’ ‘I can’t say.' 'Was it Tami Jones?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Kim Dixon or Kate James?' 'My lips are sealed.

The priest sighs in frustration....

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot ...

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A busload of nuns goes over a cliff...

A bus load of nuns goes over a cliff in a snowstorm. All the nuns go to heaven and line us at the pearly gates in front of Saint Peter.

Sister Mary is first in line. St Peter asks her "Have you any sins to atone for?" She responds, "Once, I looked at a man's penis." St Peter tells her to...

I have sinned so the father told me to say "Hail Mary" 300 times...

function atone(prayer, repeat) {
for (let i = 0; i < repeat; i++) {
console.log(prayer);
console.log();
}
}

atone(
"Hail Mary, full of grace,
the Lord is with thee;
blessed art thou amongst women,
and bless...

A man goes to confession after a round of golf...

Man: Father, I took the Lord's name in vain while out golfing today.
Priest: That's ok, my son, golf is a frustrating sport, and we all slip up from time to time.
Man: No, no, I would really feel better if I could atone for my sin.
Priest: Well then by all means, tell my what happened.
M...

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Roman Jews

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to
convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from
the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a
religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews
won, they could sta...

Three nuns go to Heaven...

And when they are at the gates, Saint Peter says:

"I know you have sinned, I see it in your eyes. Before you walk through these gates you must atone for your sins. Sister Isabella, your eyes once coveted the flesh of a man. You must wash your eyes with Holy Water and you'll be free of sin an...

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Yankel the Jew is walking in town one day. He is walking by the stores, admiring all the storefronts and the products they offer.

Suddenly, he notices a peculiar sign on the window of a pet store: "Talking Parrot! Can have real conversations!"
He went inside and inquired about the parrot. As he was shown the parrot, the parrot squawks, "Hello, how are you! I'm rudolph!" In near perfect english and the parrot holds out his w...

Vow of Silence

Everything is going wrong in this guy's life, and he has done bad things he is ashamed of, so he wanders off and ends up in a monastery, and begins vow of silence. The head monk simply looks at him, hands him his robes, and points to a cell. It is very hard for him, not communicating with anyone, an...

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A young man goes to confession

He says "Father, I have sinned."

The priest asks him "Tell me son, what have you done?"

The young man admits "I've just cheated on my girlfriend"

Priest "Oh, son, that's not good, but we all stray from God's path occasionally"

"But Father, that's not the worst of it. They...

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Three men die and go to hell

Three men, all addicts, die and go to hell, where they meet Satan standing atop a mountain of skulls. Satan calls out to the trio "Men, welcome to hell. To atone for your word sins, you will each spend a millennia locked in a room with your vice of voice."
The men are quickly escorted to their ro...

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There was once a rabbi who loved to play golf.

He loved it so much he could not bear not to play for more than a few days and was beggining to get addicted.

One year, on Yom Kippur - the day of atonement and the holiest of all high Jewish holidays, the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and ...

Germany owed a massive debt to France after the treaty of Versailles

One day, Germany couldn't afford to pay the weekly payment to France. So France gathered a band of soldiers and rode into a small town in Rhineland on trucks, hoping to find anything valuable as reparation. After inspecting the town for a brief moment, they took its tram tracks and street lamps back...

Three men die, and go to the pearly gates...

St. Peter walks up to the firsts, and he says: "You have lived a good life, but you have cheated on your wife many times. Confess here before your friends, and you will be allowed into heaven."
The man says: "I slept with a different woman every week of my ten-year marriage. I beg for forgiveness...

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Three American men are lost in the desert...

...After many hours without food or water, they are relieved to find a large tent filled with amazing food, clean water, and lots of beautiful women.

They partake of the food, water, and women without hesitation, and soon return to a healthier condition.

A while later, the tent owner ...

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There was a huge earthquake at the Christian Brothers' Monastery, which was destroyed...

All fifty brothers were killed and went to heaven at the same time. At the Pearly Gates, St Peter said, “Let's go through the entry test as a group. First question, how many of you have played around with little boys?” Forty-nine hands went up. “Okay, right!” said St Peter. “You forty-nine can go do...

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