I hear that Bambi has been in mourning since the conclusion of last hunting season.

He lost a deer friend.

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Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn’t gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Karen surrendered. With some courage, she told her family members that she will go out again. That said, she didn’t really know anyone suitable.

Her daughter immediately replied: “Mom! I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another, and, afte...

I get erections at funerals. "Mourning wood," if you will.

It's hard to come up with an original erection joke. The competition is stiff.

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What do you call a boner during a funeral?

Mourning Wood.

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Two whales.. John and Jenny are swimming in the ocean.

John is mourning the recent loss of his father who was killed by a whale fishing boat.

A few days later John and Jenny come across an similar looking Boat... with excitement John realizes that it’s the fishing boat that killed his father ... he is seeking revenge for the death of his father!...

A recent widow, Elizabeth, gets dressed up in her mourning cloths and goes shopping for the week

She's known the butcher for years and says "Every year my husband insisted on a turkey for Easter. But now that he's dead, I can have whatever I want! I was thinking I'd do a nice roast or maybe a meatloaf. Is that traditional?"

The butcher just shakes his head. "No, black Betty. Ham or lamb...

A drummer needed a car, but only had $200

A drummer desperately needed a car, any car, to get to work, but he only had $200. He called his friend who owned a used car lot and explained the situation.

“You’re in luck,” the friend told the drummer. “I’ve got a brand new Jaguar. Runs great. Looks great. For you, only $200. One small pr...

My grandfather lived and died for this joke.

My grandfather used say to the whole world celebrated 11/11, not because of armistice day, but because he was born.


When died I went to my mom and told her "I think I know what he would say if he was here today."
'The whole country is in mourning, not because it is 9/11, but beca...

The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I won’t take any part in it.

So wake me up when it’s all over

We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of a great person...

But first, a message from our sponsor Raid Shadow Legends

Lars, Sven and Ole were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and neighbors are mourning you, what would you like them to say?”

Lars said, “I vould like dem to say dat I vas a vonderful husband, a fine spirtual leader, and a gut family man.”
. Sven said, “I vould like dem to say I vas a vonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in da lives of people.”
. Ole said, “I vould like dem to say, ‘Loo...

What's the best way to greet someone at a funeral?

*"Good Mourning"*

An 85 year old woman was mourning her husband's death.

She decided to commit suicide.

So she thinks about it, wondering "how do you kill an 85 year old woman?", and she comes to the conclusion that she would shoot herself with her husband's gun.

She pondered,"where would you shoot an 85 year old woman?" And she realized, "in the heart". ...

What is the scientific name of a Weeping Willow?

Mourning Wood

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A Japanese teenager is mourning the death of his friends at a funeral

His grandpa, who was there with him, says “It’s been years since then.. mind if I say something?” The japanese guy says “Sure,”. The grandpa says “Za Warudo”.

“Thanks. That means the world to me”

Musings

Deep in thought, Melody turns to her husband and says. "If I were to die, would you remarry?" "I'm still a young man" states the husband. "After an appropriate mourning period, yes I think I would". "Would she sleep in my bed?" Melody mused. "I suppose so, after all, it is mine as well". "Would...

Joke (Dark) The widow in mourning.

My co-worker had just lost his wife.
After he came back to work, I went to speak to him and give my condolences.

Me: Really sorry to hear about your wife

Co-worker: It's OK, I will survive. This is not the first time it has happened.

I was surprised.

Me: Sorry, I did...

These days I've been checking the news first thing in the morning.

Lately, it's been my mourning routine.

How does a dude know he’s a necrophiliac ?

He gets mourning wood.

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My favorite pornstar died last night.

I woke up today with mourning wood.

So a cow is watching someone play guitar on TV

He says "I wanna learn to play like that." and he goes to a music teacher, and asks him to teach him the guitar. "Well, it might be difficult, but I think I can teach a cow to play guitar."

A month goes by and the cow has mastered the guitar. A chicken walks by and hears the cow playing, and ...

I was asked to deliver a eulogy at a funeral that is scheduled for 5:00am.

I had to decline. I'm not much of a mourning person.

Motel Coronavirus

Motel Coronavirus



On a dim dreary morning

Ceiling fan stirs the air

Stale beer and Doritos

Littered next to my chair

Just outside of my window

Saw a glimmer of light

My eyes were bloodshot and my head pounding

I hadn't slept all last ni...

Every time I wake up I miss my wife

I always have mourning wood

A woman died and went to heaven...

She got to the pearly gates to find an angel waiting.

"What do I have to do to get in?," she asked.

"You just have to spell a word" the angel replied.

"That doesn't sound bad, what word do I have to spell?"

"Love."

Relieved, the woman quickly fired off "L-O-V-E". T...

An Englishman, a Russian and a Greek guy are on the same flight, sitting next to eachother

When they are flying over England, the Englishman says, "England is the best country, check out how well they handle this." he drops a sword out of the window.

When they are flying over Russia, the Russian says, "Mother Russia is the best country, look how efficiently we deal with this." he ...

I don't see how someone could mourn the loss of a Chinese dictator.

It just seems unbereaveable to me.

Starbucks has starting to offer free drinks during funerals

They acknowledged the need for mourning coffees

I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am

I'm not really a mourning person.

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(NSFW) A guy named Richard opens up a wooden coffin shop

He calls it Dick’s Mourning Wood

So this guy enters a bar and asks for three pints of beer

G: Guy BK:Barkeeper

G: "Good evening, I'll have 3 pints of beer please"

BK: "Hello sir, absolutely, expecting some company?"

G: "Actually, I'm drinking three pints of beer in the name of my two brothers that lost their lives in the war, so it's one for me, one for Matt and one ...

A man died and the whole country was in mourning

then it became the afternoon, followed by the evening and then the night.

A man DIES

He died tragically and unexpectedly in a botched robbery. Devastated, his wife Cindy mourned four several months, leaving the house only to pick up groceries that her doting mother leaves on her doorstep.

The only comfort to her grief was his cat, who is similarly distraught. After several mo...

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My wife is yelling at me for having a boner at her mothers funeral

My response, “I can’t help it, it’s mourning wood”

Tommo was a canary. [long]

Tommo was a canary. Like his father, and his father before him, Tommo worked in the granite mines. Every morning, he would perch upon the shoulder of his favorite miner, and descend down, down into the deep.

Tommo had a lovely wife canary at home named Millet. Millet and Tommo had two sons...

Everyone mourns our fallen heroes...

But I'm the only one who cried when I dropped my deli sandwich

A king was growing jealous of his new born

Ever since his son was born, the king felt like everyone was paying more attention to his son than him. As days passed he was starting to get more and more jealous of his son for getting all the love and was starting to feel a pain growing in him knowing that he wasn't the center of the attention an...

looking for puns for my mourning grandmother

Hello r/jokes,

My 89 year old grandmother, Tash Tash, loves puns. My grandfather died on Friday and Tash Tash could a laugh. What are some of your favorite puns that I can share with her? A recent favorite of hers goes like this:

**What do you call and alligator in a vest?
An inv...

My Great Aunt recently passed away

Me and my mom were planning the funeral and we were decided what wood the casket should be made of... apparently mourning wood wasn’t the right answer

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At the beginning of COVID 19, there was a man.

He was told to wash his hands for 20 seconds at a time. He chose not to and said God would protect him and the believers.
He was told he should be wearing a mask to protect others. He chose not to and said God would protect him and the believers.
He was told he should socially distance. He w...

When you die and you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you...

Three friends are sitting in a bar drinking, when one turns to the others and asks, "When you die and you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy thinks and says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a grea...

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill, in a guerilla act of revenge for all of the family they'd lost over the years. They snuck up one night, and in their masses, surrounded the sleeping calf, and swam away, carrying him miles away from his father. ...

The villagers mourned the king and his jester after an unfortunate sewage accident.

The town casts down frowns when their crown and his clown drowned in the brown.

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After My wife passed away it took a long time for me to be able to have sex with another woman.

I guess I had mourning wood.

2 old buddies mourning the loss of a friend

2 old friends are catching up at an old pal's funeral. One takes a moment to pause and finally asks the question.

"So... How'd it happen?"

To which the other responds.

"Well, as I understand it, he went to the doctor the other day and the doctor said he was 'as healthy as a hors...

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Once upon a midnight dreary

Once upon a midnight dreary,

While I pron surfed,

Weak and weary,

Over many strange and spurious of ‘hot xxx galore’

While I clicked my fav’rite site,

Suddenly there came a warning,

And my heart was filled with a mourning,

Mourning for my dear amo...

My memorial service for all the trees burnt down in the Amazon Rainforest didn't have any female attendees

It was full of guys mourning wood.

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York...

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiti...

I was at a friend's funeral and spotted an attractive girl.

Wasn't long before I got mourning wood.

Did you hear about the Asian guy who was so terrible that nobody mourned his death?

He was unbereaveable.

A man was at a funeral because his entire family was killed in a fire

At the funeral all his cousins and friends were sobbing and crying, but when someone noticed he wasnt even showing emotion they went up and asked "Dont you even care that your family is dead?!"

"I do, I'm just not a mourning person"

After the Flood, Noah commanded the animals...

"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!"

And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark.

"Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to mul...

A mourning man goes to see Jesus

He walks up to messiah, eyes red from crying.


"Oh Jesus, he snivels", "I need you help. My father died and I ... I need you ..."


"My child, I am here for you, and I knew your father, he was a good man and is certainly in heaven now."


"Comforting as that is, Jesus, I ...

Why do funeral directors hold most services before 12 pm?

Because they're mourning people.

A woman placed some flowers on the grave of her dearly departed mother and started back toward her car when her attention was diverted to another woman kneeling at a grave.

The woman seemed to be crying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first woman approached her and said, "I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For who...

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site...

High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime.
The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.

"I say! roast beef sandwiches. I'm sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I've got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myse...

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Three men on their lunch break *LONG*

Three men were working together on the 40th floor construction of the Empire State Building.
An American, an Italian, and a Canadian.

A loud horn is heard signifying lunch, and all three men sat together, on the edge, their feet dangling a hundreds of feet in the air.

The American o...

What do you call a tree who shows sorrow for a fallen loved one?

Mourning wood.

I have the hardest time making it to funerals...

I've just never been a mourning person.

I got a massive erection while I was giving the eulogy at my mom's funeral.

I had real bad mourning wood.

A man dies of a heart attack at 62 years old.

His widowed wife, after days of mourning, has to arrange the funeral service. She goes to the morgue and makes arrangements. During the detailing, she explains his last few wishes.

"He always told me, if he dies without disfigurement, he would like an open casket funeral so he would be rememb...

I dont wanna do what I did in Texas.....

Man rides up to a saloon on a beautifullly patterned Palomino stallion, ties the horse to the rail, walks inside, orders lunch and a beer. After his meal is done he gets up, pays the waitress and walks out the doors...to find his horse missing.

He sighs mournfully, removes the safety loops on...

Donald Trump gets executed

and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.

"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the ro...

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The farmer and the neighbor boy (sorry for the mobile format)

This lonely farmer likes to sit on his porch his every mourning. One mourning, as he’s sitting there, a boy comes walking down the road carrying a giant roll of duct tape.

The farmer asks “what are you doing with so much tape?” The boy replies “this isn’t just any tape this is duck tape. I’...

There once was a man with no arms. [Long]

Despite this fact, when the town church was looking for a new bell toller, he went straight to the church. The pastor didn't believe the man when told he could do the job, but decided to humor him, saying "If you can ring the bell, the job is yours."

Excitedly, the man climbed the stairs to t...

To my dearest wife...

A couple decide to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary by visiting the same hotel in Spain they'd visited for their honeymoon.

In the excitement, they get to the airport but sadly find the plane is overbooked.

The wife says to the husband, "don't worry, you catch this flight and I...

What does a carpenter use to make a casket when someone dies with an erection

Mourning wood

A village chief and his family.

There was a small village where everyone lived in grass huts.

In the middle of the village stood the biggest hut which belonged to the village chief and his family.

During the day, the chief sat in his throne which took up most of the space in his family's hut.

At night, the ...

We passed a funeral home today having a service at like 9pm...

...I always thought that they were more of a mourning thing.

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash. Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:

"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's d...

What’s the difference between my daily life and a funeral?

In the morning I’m awake, but in a wake I’m mourning.

Why were 6am, 7am, 8am and 9 am sad?

Because they were mourning

My preacher started a sermon with this joke the other week that was actually pretty funny and i thought i would share it with you guys

Alright so in this small rural town there lived two brothers. All of their lives they went around doing horrible things to people that ranged from Vandalism, Stealing, Battery, etc. One day one of the brothers dies and the other brother goes to the town preacher to arrange his funeral and asks him,<...

Jesus went into the mountains with his disciples; and he began to teach them, saying:

Blessed are the meek.

Blessed are the poor in spirit.

Blessed are those who mourn.

Blessed are the peacemakers.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness.

And Peter said: Will this be in the test?

And Philip said: Were we supposed...

The husband of the woman next door died.

The husband of the woman next door died. After the funeral, the widow shut herself inside the house for most of the day. The only time the widow would leave her home was at the crack of dawn, where she would stand outside and wail loudly in her yard until noon, before quickly retreating into her hom...

One day, a woman had 99 children.

She was the first woman to have this many children, and she was extremely surprised, and also shocked since she did not have the patience to come up with a name for every one, so she decided to name them simply 1-99. So the first child was one, and the next was two, and so on.

Three years lat...

A sailor comes back one morning after a long time at sea

His best buddy died on the ship, so he goes announcing the news, first thing, to his widow. One thing led to another and they are starting to undress, but she suddenly stares at him and stops, asking:

-Why are you only half mast?

-It’s mourning wood

Why do happy people like to sleep in late?

Because they aren't mourning people.


I just made this up!! Could you all help me with the wording? It feels like it could be a little better I just don't know how to word it differently while using the same "mourning" pun as the punch line.

An elderly woman is holding a funeral for her recently deceased husband

After the viewing, she discusses how kind and honest of a man her husband was, how she was so sad to see him go, and she bursts into tears.

Her nephew, after consoling his mourning aunt , asks “May I say a word”.

Through tears she says, “Of course”

He takes a moment and says “Pl...

What would Rhett do if Link died?

Good Mythical Mourning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tend to get boners at funerals.

Guess you could call it “mourning wood”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher gives 7 grade students a task

to learn about a topic from a given list (which goes: food, water, cows, horses, airplanes etc) and then present it in class the next week with props and costumes. One of those students, George, felt that this was a stupid thing to do and didn’t prepare that day. The following day, his parents got a...

A man goes to the vet

A man goes to the vet with his dog, and says "there's something wrong, I can't get her to wake up!"

So the vet brings the man to the examination room, and puts a stethoscope to the dogs chest and mournfully says "I'm sorry sir, your dog is dead"

The main sobs and says "isn't there anyt...

Happy Easter Weekend ...

It is the day of Christ's crucifixion, and Jesus is being nailed in as his followers gather at the base of Golgotha to weep and mourn.

As they pray, they hear Jesus call out in a soft voice: "Peter ... Peter ..."

"Our Lord calls to you, Peter!" Thomas says.

Emboldened, Peter t...

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