In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

"Hello."

Why does Hamlet take so long in the Bathroom?

He cannot decide to pee or not to pee.

What do you call Hamlet after he takes steroids?

Village.

A joke from Hamlet: "What do you call a person who builds stronger things than a stonemason, a shipbuilder or a carpenter does?"

The one who builds the gallows to hang people on, since his structure outlives a thousand inhabitants

Found on Act 5, Scene 1

Have you read the prequel to Hamlet yet?

Piglet.

Shakespeare was planning on making Hamlet into a musical, but there was one instrument he was undecided on

Tuba, or not tuba, that is the question.

My friends and I were putting together a musical score for a production of Hamlet

Tuba or no tuba, that was the question

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A chicken walks into a library...

The librarian lifts their gaze with a mixture of curiosity and surprise as the bird hops onto the counter. It tilts its head and, with an air of demand, clucks:

"Book!"

The librarian is taken aback at this odd display. The chicken impatiently taps one foot on the counter.

"Book,...

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Hamlet has to pee [Hamleak]

Quick little blurb I wrote in class:
“To pee, or not to pee, that is the question.
Whether ‘tis nobler in the bladder to suffer the slings and arrows of painful retention.
Or to take arm against a see of urine and by opposing relive it.
To go-to pee,
No more; and by a leak we say t...

Whats the difference between a murder and Hamlet performed by geese?

Nothing, they're both fowl play

So my friend gave me a copy of Hamlet...

Instead of letters it had numbers. He also gave me a cryptograph to translate it, but said it might be broken. Now all I can wonder to myself is, " is 2 B or not 2 B"

A guy is relaxing at his home in Copenhagen when he hears a knock on the door. He opens up and it's Hamlet.

"What are you doing here?" he asks.

"Sorry to bother you," says Hamlet, "but I need a place to crash for a few days, do you mind if I stay here?"

Guy scratches his head and says "Well, I guess you can, this is pretty out of the blue though."

"I know," says Hamlet, " Nobody exp...

I told my friend I was appearing in Hamlet at the Globe Theatre

He said, "Are you being facetious?"
I said "No, Polonius"

What do you call an earthquake during a production of Hamlet?

A Shakesperience

Ophelia: "Babe, come over."

Hamlet: "I can't. I'm hiding a body."

Ophelia: "My dad's not home."

Hamlet: "I know."

Knock knock! Who's there? Hamlet.

Hamlet, who?
I can't decide.

What's it called when spies perform Hamlet?

Thespionage

I always thought Hamlet

was the story of a small pig.

You need a lot of luck to become a stage actor.

You can't fake a Hamlet without breaking some legs

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Why People Hate School Re-Unions

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

 They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey ...

Why wasn't Hamlet sad when his girlfriend drowned?

He was more of a necrOpheliac anyway.

What do you call a small pork farm?

... a hamlet.

What did Shakespeare have for breakfast?

.
.
Hamlet.

An Irish man moves to a small town

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happ...

I saw a couple of kids having an argument about Shakespeare

One was yelling about Macbeth. The other was yelling about Hamlet.

I thought it was much ado about nothing.

What do you call a young thespian pig?

Hamlet

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The Bard [Long]

Suzie was the teacher's pet - A's in every class. One day a stranger stood in front of the lecture hall for her writing course.
'Sorry students, your professor has been in a terrible accident and I will be leading this course for the remainder of the year.'
No problem - Suzie looked forward to...

A struggling actor gets a call from his agent.

Agent: Do you want the good news or the bad news?

Actor: Give me the good news first.

Agent: I've found you a role in a production of *Hamlet*.

Actor: Well that's awesome! I've made it! How could there possibly be bad news?

Agent: You're the skull.

I was having trouble with my English homework...

There were almost 20 questions on Shakespeare's Hamlet I did not understand, so I asked my friend Jim for some help:

"Jim am I supposed to answer the one after 2 a) or just skip it till we get back to class?"

"Oh I did 2 a), it's really easy."

"No, dude, the one AFTER 2 a)."...

There was once a military submarine called the Word Sub.

When the submarine was built, they couldn't come up with a name for it. Eventually, the crew was instructed to call the submarine "any word they want". The believed it would be funny to name the sub something mundane, so they began to refer to it simply as the "Word Sub".

As the Word Sub was ...

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Salvatore the.......

In a sleepy Italian village which was unremarkable apart from a Cathedral, a Bridge and a fountain there lives a man in his 90’s named Salvatore.

Salvatore has had many jobs in his long life but has never left his home town and still works to this day as a tour guide on a bus. This bus pick...

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The Immortal Bard

*This is not my joke, it is actually a short story written by Isaac Asimov, but it is written like a joke. One that I found quite humorous. Hope it belongs here.*

"Oh, yes," said Dr. Phineas Welch, "I can bring back the spirits of the illustrious dead."

He was a little drunk, or maybe ...

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the Steel Guitar Network - Church Bulletin Bloopers

Church Ladies With typewriters ...

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
____________________________________________...

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Always loved the awful jokes on The Two Ronnies.

"Well, that's all we have time for tonight, but before we go, here are a few items of late news:

"Roughhouse Row, Tower Hamlets, which is London’s toughest street, held a party today for its oldest inhabitant. He’ll be twenty-three on Monday."

"F. C. Rawls, the train conductor, who has...

John's English Literature teacher saw that John had fallen asleep:

"Now let me ask you guys a question, who wrote HAMLET? John? Can you tell me?"

John woke up and rubbed his eyes: "Hum, aaaaa, Mrs. Black, honestly, hum,I didn’t do it!"

The class filled with laughters. The teacher was angry: "Get out of my class and tell your parents to come to see me ...

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