Elsa got an award for perfect attendance

Because a cold never bothered her anyway

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A man with perfect work attendance calls in sick one day...

His boss is really worried about him, as he'd never missed a day of work in 15 years. So he gets in his car and drives over to his house to make sure he's okay.

He knocks, but there's no answer. He puts his ear to the door and hears moaning. "Oh no! He's dying!" the boss says. He busts in the...

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A failing zoo was desperate to drive attendance.

After much discussion, they finally purchased a gnu from Africa.

In anticipation of its arrival, the zoo built a new exhibit for the hard-to-obtain animal. It was a beautiful indoor/outdoor enclosure and contractors worked diligently to meet the deadline of the animal’s arrival.

Unfort...

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time..

.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, sure. I would love to here it. " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

Mandatory Attendance

A drunkard walking on the street, is approached by the police at 3:00 AM.


The policeman asks: "Where are you going at this hour?"


The drunkard answers:
"I am going to attend a conference on alcohol abuse and the lethal effects on the body, the bad example it creates on chi...

Everyone is talking about how the inaugural attendance was 1/40 of what it was in 2009...

They don't understand how killer the commute from Moscow is.

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A dwarf enters a competition to see who can lift Mjolnir.

Thousands of people try, but of course, fail. Then it's the Dwarf's turn.

Thor himself is in fact in attendance, and takes great amusement when he sees the dwarf waddle up to the hammer.

He squats down, grabs the handle, and using all of his power, lifts the hammer.

The dwarf lo...

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is beginning to deliver the baby

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can fini...

A greedy old miser dies alone. In his will he's divided his fortune between his pastor, his doctor, and his lawyer with one last request...

The old man's will states that he wishes to take his fortune with him. His final request is that these three, the last man on earth he feels he can trust, each bring their allotment of his fortune to his funeral, ten million each, and deposit the money in his coffin and bare witness as it's sealed a...

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An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event

An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something...

A man dies and goes to hell

There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

"What do they do there?"

He told, "First they put you in an electric chair♨ for an hour.

Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the German devil...

Martians and Jesus

So a Martian arrives on earth. Obviously humanity has many questions for him, so the U.N. decides to arrange a conference. All the world leaders, public intellectuals and religious heads are in attendance to ask their most burning questions.

When it is the Pope's turn, he asks, "I was wonderi...

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An artist is commissioned to paint a mural in the newly built city hall.

The city council has decided the mural must be an important scene from American history. The artist accepts the deal with one condition.

No one can see the piece before it is completed.

Begrudgingly, the town council accepts, a contract is signed, and the artist begins work behind a m...

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No sex since 1955

A crusty old Army Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something ...

The Parish Fast Food Shop

One day, the local parish decided to open a fast food restaurant, so they can make some more money on the side as church attendance was dropping. Being the smart people that they were, they divided themselves so each person does one job.

The fast food restaurant was doing quite well, and the...

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A mercurial rocker hands out backstage passes...

A mercurial rocker of a popular band was known to give out many backstage passes. Now this happens all the time in the music industry; however this rocker always handed out the same pass to many women, and never changed it. The pass was for Tulsa OK, and he'd give out the large TULSA backstage pas...

Whats tiny and makes priests moan?

Church attendance levels.

A man called Andrew moved from Cork to Dublin to open a flower shop.

He was quite successful and through great marketing, quality product, and reasonable prices, Andrew's Flowers became the top garden shop in all Dublin. Some monks that had a stall set up nearby took notice and, since attendance at the local parish (and the accompanying tithing revenue) was way down,...

The Flat Earth Society held it's annual conference in Antarctica this year...

... but attendance fell off.

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City Hall

The city counselors were discussing how to increase public attendance and participation at City Hall meetings. One counselor suggested bringing in a famous hypnotist-entertainer. The officials agreed, the hypnotist was engaged, and leaflets were printed and distributed.

A month later, City H...

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A priest goes fishing with his friend Maricio.

This his his first time, so his friend had to show him the basics. When the priest feels a bite, hooks the biggest fish Maricio has seen and reels it up, his friend is naturally surprised.


"Whoa. Look at that bastard."


The priest, naturally offended by his curse, is told by hi...

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The Astronomer

An astronomer on an extended lecture tour became weary of delivering the
same lecture night after night.  He confided this state of mind to his
chauffeur as they were driving to their next destination.  The chauffeur
expressed a similar boredom in his line of work.
     "I've got it!" sa...

A priest was performing mass one Sunday...

A priest was performing mass one Sunday in his village in Poland when suddenly, in the middle of the service, he let one rip on accident. He was hoping that nobody heard it, but to his dismay, a wave of disgust fell on the faces of those in the congregation. After the service, he was berated by near...

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Why Islam is growing rapidly !!!

Father Francis of Bradford was unhappy that the church attendance had steadily declined in the past few years but the mosque across the street was jampacked every Friday.

So he invited the imam for a cup of tea and then finally brought up the topic

Imam :So tell me,what happens if a ma...

The janitor at the zoo

A janitor at a zoo gets called into the managers office. The manager tells him they have to let him go due to budget issues. The janitor is set back and cries, "please, please let me keep my job! My mother is in the hospital and I have to pay her medical bills!" The manager scratches his chin for a ...

A donut walks into a church and approaches the priest...

"Excuse me, Father," the donut says, "I don't mean to trouble you, but I'm very interested in joining the clergy. I was hoping that you could give me some pointers."

The priest - after taking a moment to accept the fact that he's speaking with a pastry - offers a warm smile in response. "That...

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True Story, conference speakers tale.

3 day conference wednesday to friday, 9-6pm, 60 speakers, several hundred in attendance. Our guy draws the 5pm friday slot.
Walks in 5 mins before as the crowd is emptying out from the previous talk. Starts setting up the computer, looks up, just one guy left sitting in the front, rest of the ha...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are all drinking together at a bar.

The priest says, "Okay, guys, I don't mean to brag, but this year alone, I've gotten over a hundred people signed up for RCIA, which is a new record for our parish."

The minister shakes his head. "Are you kidding me? That's nothing. I've saved over three hundred people in the past year and a ...

It was the first day of school, and the teacher was going around the classroom asking each of the children to spell their names.

It was the first day of school, and the teacher was going around the classroom asking each of the children to spell their names.

"D-O-R-I-S L-E-H-I-G-H," said one, and the teacher dutifully recorded it in her attendance book.

"T-I-M M-O-R-I-A-R-T-Y," said another.

"E-L-S-I-E," ...

There were nine INTERPOL agents in a briefing.

They were named INTERPOL 1, INTERPOL 2, and so on. Their names were read out one by one in attendance. As the speaker reached the end, he said "INTERPOL 6, INTERPOL 7, INTERPOL 9." The missing agent stood up and asked why her name wasn't called. The speaker said, "You can figure it out."

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The Fish Princess and the Commoner Crab

Once upon a time, in the undersea kingdom, there lived a fish princess. This fish princess had fallen in love with a peasant crab.

When her father, the fish king, found out about their affair he forbade her to ever see him again. When she asked him why he replied "No daughter of mine will co...

Dad told me this one several years ago

A school teacher walks into her classroom full of students carrying two glasses - one full of water and one full of whiskey. Then she reaches into her desk and pulls out a container from the bait shop, pulls two worms out of the container, and drops one in each glass. She takes attendance, then turn...

The Rabbi and the Devil

So, one day, the devil visits a synagogue while all the folk are deep in the middle of whatever it is they do at synagogues.

Once the smoke and clamour clears, the devil steps forth, slicing the air his pitchfork, flashing eyes of fire. At the sight of him, hooves and all, all the men and wo...

A pious man, who had reached the age

of 105, suddenly stopped going to
church. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of
faithful attendance, the Priest went to see him. He found him in
excellent health, so the Priest asked, "How come after all these years
we don't see you at services anymore?"
...

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A Russian university valedictorian (from my Russian history prof)

A valedictorian at a Russian university was giving his graduation speech. As a finale, the Party Secretary who was in attendance asked the young man two rehearsed questions: "Who is your mother?"

"The Party," the young man replied.

"And who is your father?" the Party Secretary asked ne...

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