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A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."

Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?"

God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor ...

Two conspiracy theories walk into a bar.

You can’t tell me that was just a coincidence, man.

A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven.

He proceeds through the Pearly Gates, and is confronted by God, in all his glory.

God - “With my everlasting knowledge, you may ask me any question, and I shall fulfill you with the answer.”

Conspiracy Theorist - “God, I have to know, who really assassinated JFK?

God - “well, t...

There is a conspiracy theory that claims Princess Diana was on the radio after her reported death.

I'd like to confirm this was completely true, she WAS on the radio, and the dashboard, the steering wheel, the back of the seats and the windscreen.

Where do conspiracy theorists hate to sleep?

Debunk beds.

I have this crazy conspiracy theory about wells.

Its pretty deep.

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Two Conspiracy Theorists Die...

...as they stand before God waiting to be judged, God tells them that they each may ask him one question they have always wanted to be answered and he would answer it.

One of the conspiracy theorists steps forward and asks “who was REALLY behind 9/11?”

Before God can answer, the seco...

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What is a Jewish conspiracy theorists biggest fear?

The Illumi-nazis.

😂Thought of this while driving yesterday...so it’s original as far as I know

A conspiracy theorist walks into a bar

^At ^least ^that's ^what ^*they* ^want ^you ^to ^believe

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Three conspiracy theorists are sitting at a bar.

“Man, I can’t believe NASA thinks we’d eat up that moon landing bullshit,” one of them says.

“I know, right?” says another. “Everyone knows deep down that it was fake.”

“The moon is way too far away for anybody to realistically land on!” the third one interjects. “If they could do it, ...

Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...

Must be something in the water.

A conspiracy theorist was struck by lightning.

Coincidence?

A conspiracy theorist who doesn't believe in Zeus walks out into a field during a thunderstorm wearing his tinfoil hat to test his theory.

Needless to say, he was shocked when he learned the truth.

A person that suffers from tourette syndrome, a racist, and a conspiracy theorist walk into a bar. The bartender says

Hey, Alex, haven't heard much from you ever since you got banned from the internet.

Im not a person to believe in conspiracy theories, but..

.. working at 7/11 was an inside job.

New Conspiracy Theory about 9/11

So, if you convert 9/11 into a decimal, you get 0.8181818181818181818181818181.... going on forever. What's the eighth letter of the alphabet? H. What's the first letter of the alphabet? A. That's right, ladies and germs. The Joker did 9/11.

There once was a noble who was accused of conspiracy against his country...

When brought before the court, he was given a chance to out the people he was conspiring with to spare himself, but the noble refused to give any information. After trying several times the court gave up, convicted him of conspiracy, and sentenced him to death by way of beheading on the chopping bl...

Whats worse than 10,000 conspiracy theorists?

1 real conspiracy.

I have a conspiracy theory...

The government is spreading false rumors that aluminum-foil hats protect your brain from being scanned. aluminum foil is actually an antenna that allows them to get a better signal.

I hate to sound like a conspiracy theorist here, but are we truly to believe that the Titanic sunk after being hit by an iceberg?! Do they think we're stupid fools!?

I've been throwing lettuce at the window for hours now and it hasn't even scratched, let alone put a hole in it.

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Two 9/11 conspiracy theorists are in a plane when it crashes

An instant later they find themselves in the afterlife, being judged by Almighty God Himself.

One falls to his knees, "I deplore you, all-powerful Creator of the universe! Before you judge me, I humbly beg you, reveal who was behind the September 11 attacks!"

God sighs. "Muslim extremi...

Conspiracy theories are a lot like moon landings.

They're all fake

There is a conspiracy theory that ALCOA and Planters secretly control the world.

Maybe you've heard of the AlumaNutty?

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We may never know the truth.

Once there was champion of all candles. Undefeated by all challengers, it was thought to be invincible. When suddenly, at the peak of it's powers, it was found melted to a mere puddle. There was outrage; cries of conspiracy, murder...

Really, I think it just met its match.

A new conspiracy theory states Priness Diana was actually on the radio shortly after the supposed accident that killed her.

And the windshield, and the dashboard...

^^^^I ^^^^made ^^^^myself ^^^^sad

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A man named Jerry goes to his Conspiracy club

Jerry says he did research on 9/11.

Ernie asks what he found out.

Terry thought it was really jews.

For years people have searched for answers

Until now Jerry found out.

Ernie became impatient with Jerry.

Larry walked into the club, late from traffic.
...

So my buddy is this crazy conspiracy theory type...

The other day, he was trying to convince me that coneheaded aliens actually exist.

I admit, I was skeptical at first. But then I saw his point.

The vaccine conspiracy

Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:

"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"

"No, autism is a co...

Why do conspiracy theorists make terrible landscape gardeners?

They're too obsessed with inside jobs.

What did the giraffe say to the conspiracy theorist?

Nothing, giraffes aren't real.

A conspiracy theorist turns to his friend, nudges him and asks, "Hey, did you hear about 7/11?"

"...I heard it was a part-time job."

I told my boyfriend that people with lower IQs are more likely to believe in conspiracy theories...

He said “Thats what they want you to think!”

Have you heard about the elevator conspiracy?

Hundreds of people are saying they got stuck between floors. But I don't believe them. I think they made it up.

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A giant porn conspiracy has been uncovered....

It was run by the illuminaughty

My favourite band used to be The Conspiracy Theorists, but they split up.

It was the government's fault.

Redditors who were employed by the CIA in 1963: what was the biggest government conspiracy no one has uncovered

Worth a shot.

My wife thinks my obsession with conspiracy theories is getting out of control.

I wonder how much money the government paid her to say that?

Why didn't the conspiracy theorist make his irreverently named pet sleep outside?

Because 9/11 was an inside dog.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two conspiracy theorists are flying on a plane to a convention when it crashes.

They find themselves before God and tell him "We are but humble men, and for all our life we have sought the truth. You are all-knowing, so you know all the answers."

"What is your question?"

"We would really like to know who was really behind the 9/11".

"Osama bin Laden and the...

Ten minutes into "conspiracy theories and chill..."

...we start gettin *illuminaughty.*

What's the difference between a conspiracy theorist and a futurist?

Replace the words "new world order" or "aliens" with the words "robots" or"AI," and replace the word "now" with "future." One gets laughed at, while the other gets invited to TED talks.

How many r/conspiracy subscribers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they've all been illuminated.

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Some idiot conspiracy theorists say the Jews started AIDS. That's not true you stupid idiot

If the Jews started AIDS, it's not like they would've given it to anybody.

Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading.

One has got a quality newspaper, the other an antisemitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading that?" one asks. "I used to read a quality paper like you," the other sighs, "but I couldn't handle it any more – the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger every day and the Iranian nuclear progra...

Now Donald Trump is president he really needs to answer this conspiracy theory

Is wrestling real or fake?

I don't believe in conspiracy theories

I think conspiracy theorists are secretly working together to brainwash us

Conspiracy theorists, I hope you're right...

I hope the illuminati run this country, they seem like a safe bet

What do you call a bikini clad conspiracy theorist?

An illumi-hotty!

What can conspiracy theorists never explain?

They say that 9/11 was an inside job...
but planes fly OUTSIDE.

Can't explain that

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The Mexican president has a rare cancer of the brain and is in need of a brain transplant. His only option is a risky new procedure that his doctor recently perfected.

He now has to “shop” for his brain.

“Sir, as this is a new procedure, our pool of brains you can choose from is rather small. Prices of the brains will vary,” said the doctor.

“Okay, show me what you’ve got. I have an important job, so I’ll need the best brain,” replies the president...

One day, workers at a hospital noticed something very peculiar.

Everyday Tuesday, at approximately 11:24 pm, whichever patient was lying in bed 3 in room 152 would inexplicably die, no matter what condition they were in. This phenomenon went on for sometime, baffling scientists and doctors all over the world and starting many conspiracy theories centered on the...

Don't obey public nudity laws

They're a government cover-up conspiracy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Conspiracy theorists on Facebook on this joyous day of days.

These guys were brainwashed by the government to cover up Lincoln's murder because Kennedy's assassin really hated marathons. Especially the ones run by Disney every year because he was a nazi and everyone knows nazis are hiding on the dark side of the moon purposely keeping weed from being legalize...

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Saw a homeless guy babbling about conspiracy theories that doesn't really make sense...

You could say it was a vague rant.

Where do conspiracy theorists keep their ideas?

In a skeptic tank.

---

(Note: I just made up this joke earlier today. I'm not 100% sure the joke is obvious; feel free to suggest a better wording!)

How many Ancient Egyptians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Oh! You're a conspiracy theorist too?

At the Washington Summit in 1987, US President Ronald Reagan asked Soviet General Secretary Mikhail Gorbachev in private if the rumored "Dead Hand" nuclear retaliation system really existed.

Gorbachev laughed and patted Reagan on the back, saying "no, comrade, is only blyat earth conspiracy."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lot of people believe Walt Disney is cryogenically frozen in the basement of CalArts.

# I personally love this conspiracy theory because it's a wonderful example of suspended animation.

Credit to the greatest animation professor of all time, Mr. Theo Artz of Drexel University.

Two 9/11 Truthers die together in a car crash

They go to heaven and stand before God.

God says: "You may get a truthful answer to one question."

First one says: "Who really did 9/11?"

God says: "A bunch of al-Qaeada terrorists"

Second one whispers to the first: "Wow, this conspiracy goes all the way to the top!"

In light of recent discoveries, I made a joke

A conspiracy theorist died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter told the conspiracy theorist “You may ask me one question, and I will reply honestly.”

The conspiracy theorist thought for some time and asked “Did Hitler escape death in WWII and move to Argentina, where he still r...

Why does everyone try to discredit Flat Earthers?

It's like there's a global conspiracy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Porn movies are positive movies:

No murder,
No war,
No fight,
No conspiracy,
No cheating,
No racism,
No religious fanatics,
No language problem,
No crying or teasing,
Good cooperation,
Good coordination,
Natural acting,
Everybody enjoys the climax,
Lots of love,
Alwayz a very happy ending f...

The police asked me if I would take a lie detector...

I said yes and now I've been charged with conspiracy to commit theft.

The JFK files will be released today.

If there's anything that satisfies conspiracy theorists' curiosity, it's files released by the government.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Where does Google Chrome for desktop stand politically?

While being PC, I think it's clear that for Chrome **ALT+right** is the way **forward**, while **left** is **backwards**.

But actually, I think they're part of a conspiracy where they **Command+ALT+brackets** to Mac-simize power over how we'll **revisit history**.

I mean, look - they...

I like my women like I like my Building 7.

Going down for no reason. That's a conspiracy reference that 9 out of 11 people don't get. It's an inside joke.

Why 10 wasn't invited to the number party?

9/11 conspiracy.

The President of America wants to test three agencies...

So he releases a rabbit into a forest and puts the FBI, CIA, and LAPD to the job of tracking down and returning the rabbit.

The FBI go in first, and after questioning all sources conclude that rabbits don't exist and if they did they came from out of space, the test is a hoax.

The CIA ...

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An upstart comedian speaks to a famous movie producer ...

"So, what's your idea?"

"Well, I want to make the film about how a wealthy New York businessman raised his child to become a selfish, arrogant prick just like himself. The boy's such a fucking asshole that even his neglectful father gets sick of the rat and sends him to a military academy. ...

What do you call ravens trying to marry crows.

Conspiracy to commit murder.

What's the difference between PirateBay and 9/11?

One is piracy and the other is CONSpiracy