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Assaulted Jokes

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A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy.

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A man goes into his doctors after being assaulted by an elephant in the jungle.

As the man explains what happened in the jungle the doctor is confused.
"Well, I can't see any injuries on you, so what happened?"

The man responds
"Well you see Doc, the elephant knocked me down and.... Had his way with me.. I know it's bad but can you have a look for me?"

The d...

I was assaulted by 6 dwarves last night.

Not Happy.

Did you hear about the man who assaulted someone with a woodwind instrument?

He's a registered Sax offender

I was assaulted by a group of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to me.

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Roy Moore says he’ll bring “Alabama values” to Washington, but I’m not so sure. I mean, he sexually assaulted teenage girls...

But he wasn’t related to any of ‘em!

The police are saying I "assaulted" some guy with a sheet of sandpaper.

But I only roughed him up a bit.

Did you hear about the robot who assaulted someone?

Turns out he was charged with battery

The soldier who got assaulted by pepper spray and mustard gas in WW2...

... Is now a seasoned veteran.

What is it called when you get assaulted by a fish?

Aseasault.

Two peanuts were walking down the street, then one was assaulted

peanut

Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me.

Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

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what do you call a robot that is sexually assaulted?

R2 me2

Did you hear about the guy who assaulted a reposter on a prescription drug sub?

He was a pharma karma farmer harmer.

Did you hear about the guy that escaped from a loony bin, went to the laundromat and assaulted some patrons, then ran away?

The headline in the paper read,

> Nut Screws Washers and Bolts.

A slug was assaulted by a snail...

...and the snail was arrested and brought to trial.

At the trial the judge said, "OK, slug, tell the court what happened."

The slug said, "I don't know, your honor...everything happened so fast."

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I was sexually assaulted by a ghost.

Didn't see it cuming.

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Captain Hook is claiming that he was sexually assaulted by his first mate some years ago.

It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.

Police Officer: Ma'am, can you describe the person who assaulted you?

Woman: Oh yes, officer. I'm certain it was that man on the TV who hijacked that truck full of electric razors.

Police Officer: Ma'am, I'm afraid you been hit by, you've been struck by, a smooth criminal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend of mine was sexually assaulted by a gang of mime artists last night...

They did unspeakable things to him.

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I was sexually assaulted by a colourful Rodent today!!!

His name was 'Hue Mongoose'

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Did you hear about the man that sexually assaulted a Wal-Mart cashier?

He is a register 6 offender.

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Last night, a man assaulted me with milk, butter and cheese.

Not much to say really, I got whipped and he got charged with assault and buttery.

Did you hear about the 2 peanuts that went for a walk?

One of them got assaulted.

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Just seen a guy

Just seen a guy at the ice cream shop beating the shit out of a bottle of ice cream topping.

I think it was assaulted caramel

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With all the recent allegations of sexual assault...

I want to come out that I sexually assaulted a lamp. I know it isn't illegal, but it does shed light on my past

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