The police are saying I "assaulted" some guy with a sheet of sandpaper.

But I only roughed him up a bit.

Did you hear about the guy that escaped from a loony bin, went to the laundromat and assaulted some patrons, then ran away?

The headline in the paper read,

> Nut Screws Washers and Bolts.

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A man goes into his doctors after being assaulted by an elephant in the jungle.

As the man explains what happened in the jungle the doctor is confused.
"Well, I can't see any injuries on you, so what happened?"

The man responds
"Well you see Doc, the elephant knocked me down and.... Had his way with me.. I know it's bad but can you have a look for me?"

The d...

Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me.

Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you believe a man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter...

How dairy!

I was assaulted by a group of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to me.

The soldier who got assaulted by pepper spray and mustard gas in WW2...

... Is now a seasoned veteran.

Did you guys hear about the peanut?

The one in Central Park?

It was assaulted.

Did you hear about the guy who assaulted a reposter on a prescription drug sub?

He was a pharma karma farmer harmer.

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Roy Moore says he’ll bring “Alabama values” to Washington, but I’m not so sure. I mean, he sexually assaulted teenage girls...

But he wasn’t related to any of ‘em!

What is it called when you get assaulted by a fish?

Aseasault.

Two peanuts were walking down the street, then one was assaulted

peanut

I was assaulted this morning by six dwarves..

...Not Happy.

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Captain Hook is claiming that he was sexually assaulted by his first mate some years ago.

It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.

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With quarantine over, I decided to book a flight, and foolishly hoped that Delta’s customer service would’ve improved after the down time.

Instead, when I got to the airport, I waited forever in a line while a Delta employee physically assaulted each and every customer who approached the desk. When my turn came, the employee gave me a right hook to the jaw and waved the next customer forward.

“What the fuck?!” I shouted. “I w...

Police Officer: Ma'am, can you describe the person who assaulted you?

Woman: Oh yes, officer. I'm certain it was that man on the TV who hijacked that truck full of electric razors.

Police Officer: Ma'am, I'm afraid you been hit by, you've been struck by, a smooth criminal.

Did you hear about the guy who was assaulted with electrical plugs?

His attackers used a two-prong strategy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what do you call a robot that is sexually assaulted?

R2 me2

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A friend of mine was sexually assaulted by a gang of mime artists last night...

They did unspeakable things to him.

A robot assaulted a man.

He was charged with battery.

A slug was assaulted by a snail...

...and the snail was arrested and brought to trial.

At the trial the judge said, "OK, slug, tell the court what happened."

The slug said, "I don't know, your honor...everything happened so fast."

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I was sexually assaulted by a ghost.

Didn't see it cuming.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the man that sexually assaulted a Wal-Mart cashier?

He is a register 6 offender.

I thought it impossible to get assaulted over duck puns...

...But my target finally quacked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night, a man assaulted me with milk, butter and cheese.

Not much to say really, I got whipped and he got charged with assault and buttery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was sexually assaulted by a colourful Rodent today!!!

His name was 'Hue Mongoose'

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