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Police Station Jokes

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A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

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Two Belgians walk into a police station

Two Belgians walk into a police station and say: "Our Dutch friend is missing. Please help us."

Officer: "Can you describe him to me?"

Belgians: "He's tall, has blue eyes and blonde hair"

Officer: "You described half the Netherlands with this. You got anything more specific?"...

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

3 blondes walk into a police station...

And we're looking for jobs as detectives.

They meet with the police chief who says, "I'm going to show you a side mugshot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him."

He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says, "He's only got one eye". The police chief...

Breaking News: There was a break in at the police station today and the toilet was stolen.

The police have nothing to go on.

Late at night a divorced man has a phone call from the police station.

They tell him that he should show up because his ex-wife was arrested. So the man goes to the police station and finds her ex-wife there with the police.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he says.

The police chief gestures to the ex-wife to explain it.

"Nothing," she says. "You know when we ...

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A man staggers into the police station piss drunk...

... at 3 in the morning and tells the officer on duty, "I'd like to have a word with that son of a bitch you'll arrested who broke into our house last week."

Sensing trouble, the officer informs him that this is against police policy and would not be possible.

"You don't understand," s...

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilet seats.

Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on.

Layer at the police station: "I won't say anything without my lawyer present. "

Police officer: "YOU ARE THE LAWYER!"

Lawyer: "Yes, I know, so where's my present?"

Tom went to the Police Station

Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no no!” said Tom. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do th...

A man got brought to the police station for questioning

When the police asked if he had anything to say for himself he said, "I am the son of two world famous artists you can't do this to me” so the cops apologize and say "you are Frida Gogh”

Kid walks into a police station.

kid walks into a police station, goes up to the most wanted wall.
Cop: "Hi can i help you?"
kid: "why are these people on the wall"
popo: "We have to catch them they're bad"
kid: "Why didn't you catch them when you took the picture?"

I was being followed last night, so I drove all the way to the police station.

"Well done for handing yourself in," said the officer. "You gave us a good chase."

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer.

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer like the Western cops have to deal with drunk drivers. He asks his superior for one and his superior says "Sorry comrade. We have no money."

The cop decides to go to a local black market where he buys a condom.

He stops the first driver and sa...

A snail went to the police station

A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged

When he got to the front desk he said

“ excuse me officer but I have been mugged by 2 tortoises “”

The officer said

“ can you describe the incident “

The snail said

“ no officer sorry , ...

A large hole has appeared in the road outside your local Police Station

The Police say they are looking into it

Did you hear about the peanut that walked into the police station?

It claims it was a salted.

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

During the summer a local police station developed a mosquito problem

They deployed the swat team.

A guy runs into the police station and shouts:

"you have to lock me up please, lock me up!"
The office looks at him and asks: "why what did you do?"
The guy:" I hit my wife on the head with a hammer"
The officer:" and she's dead!?"
The guy:"If she died I wouldn't have come here"

I turned up for my new job at the local police station today ....

but they arent very supportive. All the could say was "you arent qualified", "why are you naked" and "we can't catch him because he is covered in baby oil"

Police Station: You admit having broken into the same dress shop four times. What did you steal?”

“A dress for my wife, but she made me change it three times.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A flash mob appears outside a police station, a man has killed 11 people!

A policeman hears a lot of noise coming from Infront of the station so he struts outside to check all the hastle. When he exits the door, an aggressive mob outside is screaming and shouting while pushing a person into the cops body.

"Alright, alright, what's going on here then?"

"Offic...

A man runs into the police station one day saying he witnessed a murder.

The police quickly follow him to a field, expecting to see a body, but all they see is a crow.

The man says “There was definitely more than one crow here”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two female police dog handlers are walking their dogs

One says to the other, "I left my panties at the police station." The other says, "Let the dog have a whiff of your cunt and he'll go and fetch them."

Fifteen minutes later, the dog returns with her panties, her baton, a broomhandle and two of the inspector's fingers.

I saw a graffiti artist spraying a police station in a thick font.

Now that is bold.

Hole in the police station wall

Last night I drove past my local Police Station on the way home from work and saw there was a massive hole in side of the building!!!

Police were looking into it.

A Guy is being questioned in the police station, having just witnessed a murder.

They ask him if he can recall any details about the crime he had just witnessed, but the guy can't remember a single thing.

After a few hours of questioning and getting nowhere, the detectives decide to try something different and hand the guy a piece of paper and a pencil.

They ask ...

Larry at the police station

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detecti...

A woman and her neighbour go to the police station to report the woman's missing husband.

"How tall is your husband?" asks the cop.

"About six foot three," replies the woman.

"SIX FOOT THREE!" shouts the neighbour. "Your husband is barely taller than you are!"

"How much does your husband weigh?" asks the cop.

"About 150 pounds."

"ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY P...

A woman smelling strongly of hard liquor wakes up in a police station, dazed and confused.

She asks the first police officer she sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

=====

"That's great," says the woman, "when do we start?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An anti-Establishment joke from India

A vagrant, finding no place on the pavement, parked himself at the feet of a statue of Mahatma Gandhi. At midnight he was woken up by someone gently tapping him with his stick. It was the Mahatma himself. ‘You Indians have been unfair to me,’ complained the benign spirit. "You put my statues everywh...

I am at my local police station

and I just heard that someone stole their toilet now they have nothing to go on. To make matters worse someone made a glory hole in the wall of a stall they are waiting by it for anonymous tips. On top of that in their women's room they found a peephole, they are still looking into it.

A crazy guy went inside a police station

A crazy guy went inside a police station and stole all the K-9 units' leashes. Police says they have no leads

Did you hear about the robbers who broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats?

It happened last week and the cops still don't have anything to go on.

A man is at a police station to file a case.

The cop asked, "¿Mataste al persona?"

To the man replied, "I don't speak Spanish, can you repeat it in English please?"

Cop: "¿Estabas allí cuando ocurrió el asesinato?"

Man: "I don't speak Spanish Sir, I can't understand what you're saying at all."

Cop: "¿Conocías al víc...

A Man Walks into a police Station to report his missing friend

Man: “Hello, I’d like to report a missing person please.”

Police Officer: “Of course Sir, What’s the name?”

Man: “My friends name is Michael, he is in his mid 40s”

Police Officer: “Alright, How long had he Been Missing then Sir?”

Man: “Well he hasn’t been seen or heard fr...

A man walks into a police station and announces, “My wife’s gone missing.”

A man walks into a police station and announces, “My wife’s gone missing.”


The police officer says, “OK sir, we’ll help you. Since when has your wife been missing?”
The man replies, “Since about a month ago.”
The police officer is shocked, “What? A month?! Why on Earth are you...

So this dog gets arrested and taken to the police station

Detective: What did you get arrested for?

Dog: I buried a bone.

Detective: Where did you bury it?

Dog: In your mom.

Police patrol in the Outback

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
...

Just got back from the police station.

Got arrested last night for punching someone.

It's not my fault though, when you hear a Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Inside the interrogation room at the local police station...

Inside the interrogation room at the local police station:
“So why did you beat your ex-girlfriend nearly to death?” asked the arresting officer.
Suspect replies angrily: “She kept saying I was a massage therapist.”
Arresting officer: “What?? Maybe she was saying you were a misogynist.”
...

A cat follows his owner to work at a police station.

He is a copy cat.

Mum, I'm at the police station.

Mum: It's been three years since you've been an officer. When are you going to stop with this joke?

I’ve spent the day in a German police station.

Word to the wise… Don’t go hailing a taxi in Germany like you do in other countries.

I walked into the men's restroom at a police station.

As I walked in, a creepy guy rushed over to me and pulled me close. He told me he would give me "Candy" in exchange for my pee. I assumed he had to pass a test or something.

I told him, "Well, it's your lucky day, I came into this restroom to pee!"

He smiled and told me, "Urine for a t...

On a hot Ramadan day...

On a hot Ramadan day, the Bektashi and his friend are caught by the police while eating watermelon in public. Both are taken to the police station. The commissioner asks the friend:

"It's the holy month of Ramadan, aren't you ashamed to eat openly?"

The friend, with a bowed head, can't...

A woman makes a complaint at a police station

"Help help officer. I've just been molested by a contractor"

"How do you know he's a contractor?" replies the officer

"Well I had to do 70% of the work myself"

A man was brought to the police station to describe the suspect for a police sketch but is hesitant because the perpetrator was actually him.

His conscience urges him to tell the truth. It might as well be his self-defining moment.

I smoked weed with a couple cows near a police station a few days ago.

The steaks were really high

A man walks into a police station

with his head profusely bleeding.


Officer: What Happened


Man: My Wife hit me in the head


Officer: Why..??


Man: Her parents came over unexpectedly, so she asked me to go and get them something.


Officer: And..??


Man: I got them a taxi

Killer Bear

In Czechoslovakia, a woman walks into a police station and reports that while walking in the woods she witnessed a bear attack a man and devour him. The police quickly form a search party to find and take care of the killer bear.

About an hour later they come across two bears together - a ma...

I am at the police station, they think that I might be a robot

They keep saying that I got charged with battery.

Police are puzzled by the theft of the police station bathrooms. ..

Detectives released a statement saying that "They have nothing to go on".

At a police-station there is a poster saying wanted

A blonde walks by, sees it, walks into the police station, and asks: is that job still available?

Terminator walks into a police station

He opens the first office and two police officers stand there mouths open. They reach for their pistols, but the Terminator opens his mouth and out shoots the sound of ear piercing violins. The police officers drop their pistols and clench their hands against their ears, but it's too much, their hea...

A man walks into the police station.

Man: I saw your flier outside.

Officer: The "wanted for murder" flier?

Man: Yes, and I'd like to apply.

People had been letting their dogs do their business in front of the police station.

It started to accumulate at the edge of the sidewalk near the gutter. One morning, the police chief came out of the building and slipped near the curb and fell in the line of dooty.

A police station was about to be defunded because they could never solve a single crime.

A police station was about to be defunded because they could never solve a single crime.

The police chief in desperation hired a quality assurance officer to check what was wrong.

The QA officer proposed that if the chief’s detectives can solve all murders committed by him, then he w...

A friend in need.

I’m not going to say who…. but a friend just called and asked if I would loan her $400 to help pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I’m always willing to help out if I can. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, her brother called...

My little brother likes sirens so we took him to the police station to see some.

They tied him to a mast and set him asail the Aegean Sea.

A Russian wife goes to police station.

A Russian wife goes to police station.
Russian Wife: My husband went to the market yesterday to bring potatoes. He has not returned home yet.
Russian Inspector: Why don't you cook something else?

Last week all the toilets were stolen from the local police station in my town...

The sheriff just recently released an update; unfortunately they still have nothing to go on.

A man was out on a walk when he saw a sign outside the police station that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So he went in and applied for the job.

A redneck was brought into an Alabama police station...

He was led into a questioning room and handcuffed to the table. After several minutes of sitting in silence the police chief walks in and sits opposite from the redneck.

Chief: "They tell me you ran over 13 people with your car. Care to tell me what happened?"

Redneck: "Whel ya see, ay...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man calls the police station to report a house robbery

Man: an Asian man just broke into my house and took my wife's jewelry!

Operator: how do you know he is Asian?

Man: he's still trying to back out of my driveway!

The police station installed "Safe Spots" for Craigslist sales...

Which is great because I always met in a park under a tree but it always seemed so shady.

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.

The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth,...

I got a call from the local police station this morning, they said they want to interview me...

i don't remember applying for a job there

I woke up in the Police station this morning with no memory of the previous night.

I really need to stop drinking on duty.

A man walks into a police station to report the disappearance of his wife...

After taking down the details, the sergeant says, *"Don't worry sir, we'll find her. Is there any message you want us to give her?"*

*"Just one,"* he replied. *"Please tell her my mother decided not to come after all!"*

Marijuana-Filled Firewood

At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings...

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'Ah'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Mr. Virgil Smith....ya see sir, he's hidin' marijuana inside all his firewood pieces! Don't quite kn...

A foreign dignitary is being shown around a police station in Belarus, and he decides to as a question...

*Why do your police officers always patrol in teams of three?*, he asks.

*Simple,* his host says.

*There's always one that can read, and one that can write.*

*But what's the third one for?*, the dignitary asks.

*He's there to keep an eye on the tw...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ike calls his wife from the police station. He says he was arrested during 80’s night at the local bar.

“What happened?”, inquired his wife.

“You see...”, Ike replies, “...they were playing 80’s music that night, and drunk me had the bright idea of doing something related to the song that was playing at that moment.”

“...Would you mind elaborating?”

“Ok then,” sighed Ike, “One tim...

Hey I'm in jail on the police station for having an ugly face.....

Can you please come over and show them they got the wrong person?

A woman came into the police station sobbing. "A ghost has taken control of my husband" she cried.

The officer took her statement and conferred with his partner. He turned back to the woman and said confidently, "Dont worry about it, we deal with this kind of thing all the time, possession is 9/10ths of the law."

A amnesiac woman covered in bruises walks into a police station...

A amnesiac woman covered in bruises walks into a police station. The police are trying everything to learn where she came from and how she got the bruises but with no results.

Finally one of the detectives notices she has a wedding ring.

"Oh! You have a husband! What does he do?" ...

Apprehended

A mild-mannered man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating wom...

When I was a kid, I found a bottle of vodka someone had left at the treehouse at the playground. So I took it to the police station.

The police told me not to worry. They would get to the bottom of it.

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