What do you call it when your virtual assistant misunderstands your request?

Dysalexia

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation...

I went to the store and got arrested because of a simple misunderstanding.

When the lady at the register said strip down facing me, it turns out she was talking about my credit card.

Epstein's death being a suicide was just one big misunderstanding...

The medical examiner who ruled the death as a suicide misunderstood what his colleague meant by "Man... Epstein sure was hung!"

After a misunderstanding, a suburban Vietnamese bakery tried to Ban Mi

I said let's just let Saigons be Saigons.

If you could bring a suitcase to heaven

An old rich man is nearing the end of his life. He has started many charity organizations and has always been generous to the poor, but he never really felt like he found any purpose to his life, so he decides to attend a Christian congregation one Sunday. The minister gave a lesson entitled, 'If yo...

We have been misunderstanding antivaxxers this whole time! They really *do* their own research

Specifically, they are the control group.

A Catholic priest, a rabbi, and a Muslim extremist walk into a bar and all sit at the counter.

The bartender hands each of them a menu then turns to the priest and asks, "what can I get you to drink, Father?”

The priest replies, "oh I don't drink, but I have to ask, does this really say you could get me the blood of Mary?"

The bartender responds, "No no no, Father, you misunders...

a misunderstanding in a mental hospital

A doctor in a mental hospital makes an apology to a patient: "You can go now. We are so sorry for this misunderstanding, I regret that we did not check your ID, Mr. Pope."

To be or not to be?

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction.
My copy of the script said: 'Enter Juliet from the rear'

Simple misunderstanding

This couple are looking to buy a new car. They see this wonderful Honda for a decent price and a salesman shows them around. The couple ask “Cargo Space?” The salesman says “The car? No! This car can’t fly”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man " is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So the man leaves the church and walks away

After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife dies due to misunderstanding

Jim had met the woman of his dreams, a beautiful woman from India. After a brief courtship they got married. As Jim was old fashioned they had intercourse for the first time in their wedding night.
Jim was understandably excited to be with his beautiful wife for the first time and was anxious ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chilean joke:

Ok so I don't know if this is known in other parts but the joke goes like this:
A family decided to spent a vacation on a resort located in a jungle, everyone came even their dog.
When they leave their plane has an emergency and fell, everyone does except for the dog, who know is lost and begi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grand Misunderstanding?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men arrive to the Heaven's Gates...

...and are asked by St. Peter, how did they found their final fate.
The 1st man steps forward:
"Well,see, I long suspected that my wife been cheating on me, so today I "left for work", only to come back half an hour later. And what do I see -- my wife naked in bed, and some asshole below our w...

Marital Misunderstanding

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flo...

Misunderstanding Between Husband And Wife ...

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she...

The Misunderstanding

Hi John,

This is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment lon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pastor’s wife walks into a butcher shop

She sees the most perfect looking cut of meat in the display case and asks the butcher what kind of meat it is. “That’s Dam Ham,” he replies
“I bet your PARDON?!” the lady says, “I am a good Christian woman, and I would kindly ask you not to use that kind of language.” The butcher explains, “Oh n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Misunderstanding

A new army captain inspected the soldiers in their barracks. He noticed a female horse.

Captain: what’s that horse for?

Soldier: our men use her if they feel an urge to have sex.

Captain: ah, ok.

One night, the captain feels an urge, so the soldier brought the ho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and sex are in a misunderstanding right now....

I just don't get it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little misunderstanding

Last week I went to visit my buddy Joe. He's over 80, and sometimes gets a little confused. When I came in I saw he was covering his penis with shoe polish, and I yelled, Joe you're supposed to turn your CLOCK BACK !

Vasectomy misunderstanding

She told me I mis heard the doctor, Apparently it doesn't stop your wife getting pregnant, just affects the colour of the baby.

"It was a misunderstanding, your honor" says a man who is in court for indecent exposure.

"Explain the statement," the judge demanded. "Well you see this girl and I were drinking at the bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman --- so I showed her"

- Got this one from my uncle, never heard it before

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Father Conor is walking by the Shannon when he sees one of his congregation fishing...

He stops for a chat, and mentions that he's never fished before. 'It's a doddle,' says the angler. 'Take a rod and give it a go.'

'Well, I suppose the blessed Saint Peter himself was a fisherman. Perhaps I'll try my hand,' says the priest.

Father Conor sits down and casts his line. Aft...

A misunderstanding

A girl is driving down the highway listening to the radio when a song comes on that she really, really likes. The DJ says the name of that song was "Hot lips and tender kisses." The girl says to herself I've got to buy that record. She pulls over and looks up the phone number for the nearest record ...

How do you measure a great misunderstanding?

In kiloWats

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"

Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a small town there's a priest who makes good friends with his congregation. One Sunday, a fisherman invites the priest to go fishing with him.

The next weekend, they get in a boat and spend the day fishing. Unfortunately, neither of them has much luck, until all of a sudden, the priest feels a huge tug in his line. With some help from the fisherman, he reels in what must be a thirty pound largemouth bass.

Forgetting himself, the fis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Slight Misunderstanding

I was picking up my 4 year old son, James, from daycare but he was late out. I saw his classmate Sophie standing with her mother and thought I would ask her how long he would be.
As I said her name she looked at me, teary eyed. I asked "What's wrong?" She replied "My Mommy is selling my pussy be...

One of the lines in the song ‘Holly Jolly Christmas’ is, “I don’t know if there’ll be snow, but have a cup of cheer”.

I’m concerned that Tide Pod eaters will misunderstand.

Just had a very embarrassing misunderstanding with my new Irish girlfriend.

Turns out she just wanted me to take her in the Yaris.

It was just a misunderstanding

My wife asked little David if he had enjoyed the trip.

"Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and f???ers."

Wife: "er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are,
but what is a f???er?"

David: "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk"

Wife: "but...

A girl goes to confession

The girl asks the priest “Is pride a sin?”

“What is it that you are proud of?” He replies.

The girl replies, “My beauty, of course.”

To which the priest replies. “No worry child. Misunderstanding is not a sin.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a misunderstanding

teacher to class: can anyone use the word fascinate in a sentence?
little johnny: my sister has ten buttons on her shirt but she can only fasten eight

Young women is standing downstairs. How do explain it in one word?

Misunderstanding.

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear in order to not draw attention to his head or his leg, and he has a month to prepare so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a package with the following letter:

"Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a compli...

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"

"Sir?" I asked.

"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."

"Yes, sir"

"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you ...

Misunderstood

An old joke ..hope you guys enjoy it..

A really hot, young lady was sitting on a park bench and sucking on a popsicle cooling off the summer heat. A young man sitting next to her is staring in amazement at the young woman sucking on the popsicle. Getting annoyed at the young man's gaze, the ...

A polar bear carries a large freezer into an ice factory....

On his way inside, he's stopped by a penguin wearing a tie and a nametag and carrying a clipboard.
"Why are you bringing a freezer into an ice factory??" The penguin asked.
"I'm a new hire," the polar bear replied, "I brought it with me because back home it freezes EVERYTHING. I thought it'...

A Southern Baptist minister was addressing his congregation.

"Today I am a sad man. And I’m gonna tell you why I am a sad man. I am a sad man because a member of this church has been spreading the word that I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan. That person has not had the courage to speak this falsehood to my face, so I call upon them to stand up now before you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two deaf people get married

and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her...

So I attended a salsa class today

The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother sends her little son out to get some edible silver balls for the top of a birthday cake...

The son misunderstands, and comes back with a bag of very small steel ball bearings. Being so tiny, nobody notices them as they're swallowed from the top of the cake. That is, until next morning...

The elder daughter comes downstairs and says "Mum, I was so uncomfortable this morning. I had...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three sports fans leave a bar...

(Insert teams A, B and C as you like. This is how I know it.)

Three baseball fans walk out of a bar. They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush. They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely naked. They call the police and as they wait, they deci...

This is a joke better spoken than written, but here goes anyway...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says, "We don't allow animals here. You're going to have to leave your dog outside." The guy replies, "No, you misunderstand. My dog can talk." Amused, the bartender tells the man that that's ridiculous and to leave his dog outside. The guy says, "F...

Dr. Frankenstein went to a body-building competition...

There was a terrible misunderstanding.

[OC]I have a black Asian friend named Bill Wong.

Bill has been my best friend all of my life since like 3rd grade. Recently, he met this girl named Emma Wong and fell in love with her. She is also a black Asian with the same last name.

To be honest, I’m kinda jealous. Ever since he met her he stopped talking to me and if I try to talk...

I walked into a shop and asked for contraception. The store clerk gave me a huge metal disk instead...

"I'm sorry, but I think there's been a misunderstanding" I said.

The clerk replied "I thought you asked for a condom?"

I nodded

The clerk responds "That's why I gave you a man hole cover"

I have practiced everything until perfection, but nobody seems to notice

Don't misunderstand me. My pickpocketing has improved, but nobody seems to notice.

"I'm NOT a window cleaner!"

(Inspired by IT crowd)

One gloomy day in London a man by the name of Roy walks in a park, taking a short break from his job in an IT department. Suprisingly, he runs into an old school friend named Alister during his walk, and they catch up. Alister is a local writer for a very famous publish...

Brought nachos to salsa class

Huge misunderstanding

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm bringing sexy back!

Apparently there was a misunderstanding and I should have never been allowed to take it in the first place...

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The ...

A Man and A Woman Both Collide in A Car Crash.

The man quickly rushes out of his car to help the woman out.


The woman says "Wow, we both got into a car crash yet we both survived. This calls for a celebration."

The man slowly nodded his head in agreement.


The woman takes a bottle of whiskey out of her car trunk, star...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, This guy is sitting at the bar, when he sees another guy sit next to a girl, strike up a conversation, and then about 15 minutes later, they leave together. He observes this happen every night, but with different women for a week...

Finally he is so curious as to what this guy's secret is, he approaches him, and says "Bro, you gotta tell me what your secret is! I've watched you walk in here, and take home a different woman every night for over a week now! What are you saying to them?"

The stranger smiles sheepishly, and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and is being greeted by the Devil at the gates of Hell. The Devil says “Welcome to Hell, sir, we’re here 24 hours a day to serve all your hedonistic needs!” The man, perplexed, says “Oh really? I thought Hell was supposed to be a terrible place, where you are punished for all your sins!”

“Oh no, that’s just a big misunderstanding” says the Devil. “Those religious folks just try to keep you scared so you’ll behave, but it’s not like that at all.”
“Oh, well that’s great!” says the man, starting to relax a bit.

“Let me show you around here,” the Devil says, and the two start ...

A man walks into a McDonalds.

He sees an elderly couple with one Happy Meal. They take out all of the food, lay it out on the table, and start splitting it. They split the burger in half, split the fries into two equal piles, etc. But what strikes the man as odd is that only the husband begins eating.

So the man walks ov...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer travels to the nearest town to see the doctor.

The doctor diagnoses the farmer and hands him a jar of pills, explaining, “these are suppositories, take one a day for a month.”

The farmer thanks the doctor, adding, “Doc, I’m not an educated man. What is a sup-pos-it-ory?”

The doctor humbly answers, “they’re just like any pill, excep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] Hey Pete

A group of friends go to a crowded museum. A bet is set that anyone who slaps that fat bald guy on the back of the head without getting one in return, will have free lunch. One of them, Cal, accepts the challenge. walks up to the guy. gives him a big fuckoff smack in the head and says "hey Pete, wha...

I was unsure which mattress I should buy and the salesman told me to sleep on it.

Apparently there was a misunderstanding.

My coworker was eating an ice cream cone on her lunch break when she caught me staring at her

"Hey what's up?" she said

"Oh nothing.. It's just that I want to ask for something but I'm afraid you'll misunderstand me." I replied

"Haha don't worry, I won't." She said reassuringly

"I wanna lick it." I said

She quickly extends the ice cream cone to me, to which I sai...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are at the divorce courts.

Judge: Now Mickey, in your statement you said that you wish to divorce Minnie because of her dental condition. Well I'm sorry but the state of her teeth is not considered suitable grounds for divorce.

Mickey: No, no your honour, you misunderstand, what I actually said was she is fucking Goofy...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey Mouse is in divorce court...

The judge looks at Mickey's request paperwork and is confused. "I'm sorry but I can not allow this divorce just because Minnie is odd" to which Mickey says to the judge "your honor, I think you misunderstand. I did not request the divorce because she is odd. I requested it because she is fucking goo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A reverend's wife walks into a butcher shop.

She knows that her husband will be entertaining some pretty important members of their congregation for dinner, and she wants only the finest food. She asks the butcher what he would personally recommend, to which he replies "Well ma'am, I would have some Dam Ham." The reverend's wife, a simple lady...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a woman wants to buy a parrot for her husband

She goes to the store and asks the manager, who replies, " I have two parrots, one repeats everything you say, and the other keeps all your secrets."

She asks to see the secret-keeping Parrot, and the manager obliges. He brings it out and she asks it,"How do I look?"
The surly parrot then...

My father, my pal Juan and I were walking down the street

When suddenly a man popped up in front of out faces. Juan reacted by biting the man's arm. The man fell down and pleaded that this was a big misunderstanding. My father asked me what we should do.

I replied "I don't know, but I don't trust that man Juan bit."

Usain Bolt wins a race in Europe [x-post from /r/meanjokes because it's not very offensive]

and goes out after to celebrate.

But he is refused service at the first pub he goes to. The barman shakes his head and says, "Sorry, we do not serve your type here."

Bolt is not happy to hear this and orders his drink again. But the barman refuses to serve him, "Sorry, there`s a place ...

Three men who have just died arrive at the Pearly Gates...

...And are greeted by Saint Peter, who tells them "Welcome to Heaven. Before I can let you in, you each must tell me how you died."

The first man approaches Saint Peter and begins to tell him his story.

"I had good reason to think that my wife was cheating with me while I was at work,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wheelie bin

In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."


A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out.

In the spirit of kindness a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man tried anal on his girlfriend for the first time

It was just a hole misunderstanding

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As the limousine stops, twenty beautiful models step out

followed by this very well dressed man carrying a rooster. They enter the restaurant, and sit at the large reserved table. When the waiter arrives, the man orders: "I would like to start with some Beluga caviar for me and the ladies, and triple portion for the rooster. Then we will proceed to have l...

Tearful Bride

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Technology Man

A man walks into a bar holding up his forearm to the side of his face carrying on a business conversation. The bartender watches the man continue his conversation for a good 30 minutes before removing his forearm from his face and pushing his forearm with his thumb. The bartender, believing this man...

What do you call 'a woman's understanding'?

Misunderstanding

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

so this guy with a black eye walks into a a bar

he sits down at the counter and orders a drink.

as he looks over to his right, he notices another middle aged guy sitting next to him who also has a black eye

the guys look at it each other and the second guys says: what happened to you?

the first guy goes: 'just a misunderstan...

A police officer is patrolling the highway...

He sees a speeding car on I95. He pulls the car over and is surprised to see a nun at the wheel. He asks her if she knows why he pulled her over. She says that she had no idea. The officer said she was driving almost 100 mph. She said " No I was driving 95 just like the sign says" He looks in the ba...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.