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Misunderstand Jokes

Misunderstanding

An old man with hearing problems crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!” The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me ...

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My wife, to our therapist: He always misunderstands simple questions.

Therapist, to me: What does she mean?

Me: It’s a feminine pronoun,

I'm tired of people misunderstanding my intent.

I'm going to start using /s on my posts to mark sincerity. /s

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I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"

Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."

Misunderstanding Between Husband And Wife ...

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she...

The misunderstanding (joke)

One day, a man from America who has recently moved to Britain, is meeting with an employer. The employer says “ hi, it’s nice to meet you! So what did you do for a living in America?”. The man replies “oh,I was a baker”, but because of the different accents, the employer heard “ oh, I was a banker “...

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Misunderstanding

A new army captain inspected the soldiers in their barracks. He noticed a female horse.

Captain: what’s that horse for?

Soldier: our men use her if they feel an urge to have sex.

Captain: ah, ok.

One night, the captain feels an urge, so the soldier brought the ho...

The Misunderstanding

Hi John,

This is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment lon...

What do you call a misunderstanding within a misunderstanding?

Misconception

Marital Misunderstanding

It's 4.00am. A man comes stumbling home and bursts drunk into his bedroom. He's totally dishevelled, stinks of booze and has a goat tucked under his arm. His wife sits up with a shriek and shouts:

"How dare you come home in that condition! And what's that thing under your arm?"

Her hu...

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Grand Misunderstanding?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?...

Misunderstanding

One day, I asked my English Teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation eg. the letter H ...in Hour, Honour. ...etc. ...??????
My English Teacher said, " We are not ignoring them; they're considered silent ".......
(I was even more confused .....?????)
During the lunch break, m...

A woman comes home early, and finds her husband in bed with a girl.

She is furious, threatens to kill them both... the husband says:

\- Believe me, darling, this is just a misunderstanding. I was driving home, and saw this young lady trying to catch a ride. So I decided to give her a lift. I ask her where she needs to go, and she tells me she wants to visit s...

Simple misunderstanding

This couple are looking to buy a new car. They see this wonderful Honda for a decent price and a salesman shows them around. The couple ask “Cargo Space?” The salesman says “The car? No! This car can’t fly”

I constantly get misunderstandings and Chinese philosophers mixed up.

It’s so Confucius.

A white scientist is studying a tribe in Africa

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe l...

A misunderstanding

A girl is driving down the highway listening to the radio when a song comes on that she really, really likes. The DJ says the name of that song was "Hot lips and tender kisses." The girl says to herself I've got to buy that record. She pulls over and looks up the phone number for the nearest record ...

Marital Misunderstanding

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flo...

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Two Deaf People Get Married

Two Deaf people get married
During 1st week of marrige they found they are unable to communicate in bedroom with the lights out as they can't see each other signing and lipsing.
After several nights of fumbling and misunderstanding they finally came up with a solution
The wife said
Why ...

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Guys I really need help, I think there's been a misunderstanding

Who is sex and how did I offend him?

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Wife dies due to misunderstanding

Jim had met the woman of his dreams, a beautiful woman from India. After a brief courtship they got married. As Jim was old fashioned they had intercourse for the first time in their wedding night.
Jim was understandably excited to be with his beautiful wife for the first time and was anxious ...

a misunderstanding in a mental hospital

A doctor in a mental hospital makes an apology to a patient: "You can go now. We are so sorry for this misunderstanding, I regret that we did not check your ID, Mr. Pope."

Vasectomy misunderstanding

She told me I mis heard the doctor, Apparently it doesn't stop your wife getting pregnant, just affects the colour of the baby.

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A little misunderstanding

Last week I went to visit my buddy Joe. He's over 80, and sometimes gets a little confused. When I came in I saw he was covering his penis with shoe polish, and I yelled, Joe you're supposed to turn your CLOCK BACK !

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My GF broke up with me over a misunderstanding when we tried a new sexual position

Apparently, her "doggy style" doesn't involve any real dog

I went to the store and got arrested because of a simple misunderstanding.

When the lady at the register said strip down facing me, it turns out she was talking about my credit card.

What do you call it when your virtual assistant misunderstands your request?

Dysalexia

Everyone is misunderstanding, 2021 is not the sequel to 2020 it's just a spinoff.

The sequel is 2022: Electric Boogaloo.

Epstein's death being a suicide was just one big misunderstanding...

The medical examiner who ruled the death as a suicide misunderstood what his colleague meant by "Man... Epstein sure was hung!"

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Three sports fans leave a bar...

(Insert teams A, B and C as you like. This is how I know it.)

Three baseball fans walk out of a bar. They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush. They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely naked. They call the police and as they wait, they deci...

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Me and sex are in a misunderstanding right now....

I just don't get it.

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

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A Slight Misunderstanding

I was picking up my 4 year old son, James, from daycare but he was late out. I saw his classmate Sophie standing with her mother and thought I would ask her how long he would be.
As I said her name she looked at me, teary eyed. I asked "What's wrong?" She replied "My Mommy is selling my pussy be...

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a misunderstanding

teacher to class: can anyone use the word fascinate in a sentence?
little johnny: my sister has ten buttons on her shirt but she can only fasten eight

How do you measure a great misunderstanding?

In kiloWats

We have been misunderstanding antivaxxers this whole time! They really *do* their own research

Specifically, they are the control group.

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So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation...

It was just a misunderstanding

My wife asked little David if he had enjoyed the trip.

"Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and f???ers."

Wife: "er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are,
but what is a f???er?"

David: "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk"

Wife: "but...

"It was a misunderstanding, your honor" says a man who is in court for indecent exposure.

"Explain the statement," the judge demanded. "Well you see this girl and I were drinking at the bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman --- so I showed her"

- Got this one from my uncle, never heard it before

Just had a very embarrassing misunderstanding with my new Irish girlfriend.

Turns out she just wanted me to take her in the Yaris.

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An elderly woman is sitting behind two loud and boisterous Italian men on a bus.

The two men are drawing looks and glares from the rest of the riders, but aside from rolling her eyes from time to time, she keeps her thoughts to herself. The ride continues like this for awhile, until the woman hears the following exchange from one of the Italian men to the other:

"Emma com...

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A pretty and sexy woman was eating ice cream

A man comes near her and says:
-Madam, may I ask you a favor, but I am pretty sure you'll misunderstand me. Woman responds:
-Oh sir, no problem just say it.

"Can I lick it for once?" the man says.
"Oh, of course, here you are" answers the woman and passes the ice cream to man.
...

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"

"Sir?" I asked.

"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."

"Yes, sir"

"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you ...

An elderly classical languages professor goes to Rome for a conference.

He hails a taxi as he leaves the airport, and the driver points to a sign saying "Tell driver your destination". The professor hesitates for a moment. He doesn't speak Italian, but doesn't want the driver to misunderstand his directions in English. Suddenly realizing that Italian is descended from L...

Misunderstood

An old joke ..hope you guys enjoy it..

A really hot, young lady was sitting on a park bench and sucking on a popsicle cooling off the summer heat. A young man sitting next to her is staring in amazement at the young woman sucking on the popsicle. Getting annoyed at the young man's gaze, the ...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

A Catholic priest, a rabbi, and a Muslim extremist walk into a bar and all sit at the counter.

The bartender hands each of them a menu then turns to the priest and asks, "what can I get you to drink, Father?”

The priest replies, "oh I don't drink, but I have to ask, does this really say you could get me the blood of Mary?"

The bartender responds, "No no no, Father, you misunders...

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What a fish…

So, one day a monk goes fishing. He walks out on the pier, throws that line out there nice and good, and lets it rest for a bit. BAM! Fish on! And man, is he fighting! Falling over, sliding across the pier, no good! Some good Samaritans decide to help. They prop him up, and fight that good fight! Be...

A married couple were walking through a garden

when suddenly a dog ran towards them.

They both knew it will bite them..

The husband lifted his wife to let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart.

The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little and ran away.

The husband put his wife down, expecting ...

A man is out drinking with his friend and he gets quite drunk and vomits down the front of his shirt

He exclaims, "oh no, my wife will divorce me for sure!" His friend asks why. He says, "she's been on at me for my drinking and she told me if I come home drunk once more she would divorce me."

His friend thinks for a moment and then says, "I have an idea. Put $20 in your breast pocket and if ...

Dr. Frankenstein went to a body-building competition...

There was a terrible misunderstanding.

A man was arrested for public intoxication at the wine store

A man was arrested for public intoxication at the wine store.

At court he explains to the Judge that it was a case of a simple misunderstanding.

Judge: I don't see how this can be a misunderstanding. You were arrested for drinking straight out of the wine bottle at the register!
<...

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A man goes to the doctor's...

"What can I help you with?" The doctor asks.

"Actually doctor, it's my wife." He replies, "She's been eating like a fucking horse lately, she needs help."

"Nonsense!" Scolds the doctor. "There's nothing at all wrong with having a healthy appetite, and shame on you for feeling otherwise...

One of the lines in the song ‘Holly Jolly Christmas’ is, “I don’t know if there’ll be snow, but have a cup of cheer”.

I’m concerned that Tide Pod eaters will misunderstand.

Miskatonic University Eliminated First Round of NCAA Tournament

Officials cite gross misunderstanding of “March Madness”…

My coworker was eating an ice cream cone on her lunch break when she caught me staring at her

"Hey what's up?" she said

"Oh nothing.. It's just that I want to ask for something but I'm afraid you'll misunderstand me." I replied

"Haha don't worry, I won't." She said reassuringly

"I wanna lick it." I said

She quickly extends the ice cream cone to me, to which I sai...

Two friends are walking their dogs and come up to a bar

The first friend goes up to the bar with his German Shepherd and orders a beer.

Bartender: I'm sorry, sir, but we don't allow pets in the bar.

Friend 1: You don't understand, I'm blind. This is my seeing eye dog.

Bartender: I'm so sorry for the misunderstanding, sir. I'll get yo...

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A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man " is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So the man leaves the church and walks away

After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have ...

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Santa and Mrs. Claus’ relationship is in trouble

Santa and Mrs. Claus’ relationship is in trouble after a misunderstanding while sexting. He tried to say “I’m touching myself” but forgot the s and now she doesn’t know what to believe.

A man takes his wife to the plastic surgeon to get some work done on her lips and eyes...

It's supposed to be a fairly simple procedure, in and out in about an hour. An hour goes by, and the wife hasn't come out. Another hour passes, nothing. After three hours the surgeon finally came out.with a funny look on his face


"So how is she, Doc?" the man asks. "More work than you e...

I have practiced everything until perfection, but nobody seems to notice

Don't misunderstand me. My pickpocketing has improved, but nobody seems to notice.

..............a wizard beneath the sheets!’

A Southern Baptist minister was addressing his congregation.
‘Today I am a sad man. And I’m gonna tell you why I am a sad
man. I am a sad man because a member of this church has
been spreading the word that I am a member of the Ku Klux
Klan. That person has not had the courage to speak t...

Stalin goes to a village on a trip

He talks to the people there for a while and then leaves.

After leaving the village, Stalin can't seem to find his pipe.

"One of the villagers must have stolen it!" a KGB agent said "Don't worry Comrade Stalin, I'll find out who"

The KGB agent returns to the village.

A wh...

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Father Conor is walking by the Shannon when he sees one of his congregation fishing...

He stops for a chat, and mentions that he's never fished before. 'It's a doddle,' says the angler. 'Take a rod and give it a go.'

'Well, I suppose the blessed Saint Peter himself was a fisherman. Perhaps I'll try my hand,' says the priest.

Father Conor sits down and casts his line. Aft...

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An elderly man was having a stroll on the boardwalk when he came by a fisherman yelling..

"Damn fish for sale, only $5. Damn fish for sale, only $5!"

The elderly man walked up to the fisherman and exclaimed "That fish is the source of your livelihood. You shouldn't disrespect it by calling it a damn fish." The fisherman was taken aback and told the elderly man that he meant no di...

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A pastor’s wife walks into a butcher shop

She sees the most perfect looking cut of meat in the display case and asks the butcher what kind of meat it is. “That’s Dam Ham,” he replies
“I bet your PARDON?!” the lady says, “I am a good Christian woman, and I would kindly ask you not to use that kind of language.” The butcher explains, “Oh n...

So I attended a salsa class today

The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips

To be or not to be?

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction.
My copy of the script said: 'Enter Juliet from the rear'

Young women is standing downstairs. How do explain it in one word?

Misunderstanding.

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear in order to not draw attention to his head or his leg, and he has a month to prepare so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a package with the following letter:

"Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a compli...

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Mickey Mouse is in divorce court...

The judge looks at Mickey's request paperwork and is confused. "I'm sorry but I can not allow this divorce just because Minnie is odd" to which Mickey says to the judge "your honor, I think you misunderstand. I did not request the divorce because she is odd. I requested it because she is fucking goo...

The Creation of Woman

\[Yes, I know, it's been posted before, I can't help it.\]

Adam was moping around in the Garden of Eden. Suddenly a light flashed and there was the Lord.

"What's the matter, Adam?"

Adam replied: "I'm lonely. There is nobody to talk to around here except that slimy serpent who ...

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A man is at the bar, talking about his best friend, Max, being interested in his girlfriend.

"I understand I may be overreacting, but I'm still kinda worried like what happened to my ex." The bartender tells him "You'll be fine, just ask if there's a misunderstanding and try to clear it up." He thanks the bartender and goes home.

When he opened the door, he found Max having sex with ...

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A man is walking home from the doctor's office in soviet Russia

He is stopped by a solider, who says "comrade, let me see your papers."

He begins looking but can't find them.

"Show me your papers now or I will assume you are an American spy." The soldier cocks his rifle.

Reaching into his inside pocket, he finds some papers, and throws th...

A man is having issues with his wifi

As any self-loathing individual would do he calls up his service provider who tell him that they’ll have someone look at the router at 10am the next day.

“Odd, this seems like good customer service” he thought to himself. The next morning he wakes up, grabs a cup of coffee and waits, 10am lea...

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Here's a joke told to me by my ancient high school band director in rural Oklahoma many years ago

Mr. Band Director loved to tell the story of how his ancestors came to settle in Oklahoma during the days of pioneers, covered wagons, and frequent, often bloody misunderstandings with the local natives.

One day his great-grandfather was leading the conestogas when off in the distance he hear...

Brought nachos to salsa class

Huge misunderstanding

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Two doctors in a psychiatric hospital.

Two doctors get assigned to take care of a psychiatric hospital. They get in the main hall and see all the patients imagining they drive cars. However, one of the patients was just staying there like a normal guy, and also looked like he was reluctant to the other guys behaviour. The doctor assume h...

A girl goes to confession

The girl asks the priest “Is pride a sin?”

“What is it that you are proud of?” He replies.

The girl replies, “My beauty, of course.”

To which the priest replies. “No worry child. Misunderstanding is not a sin.”

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I'm bringing sexy back!

Apparently there was a misunderstanding and I should have never been allowed to take it in the first place...

A man walks into a McDonalds.

He sees an elderly couple with one Happy Meal. They take out all of the food, lay it out on the table, and start splitting it. They split the burger in half, split the fries into two equal piles, etc. But what strikes the man as odd is that only the husband begins eating.

So the man walks ov...

I walked into a shop and asked for contraception. The store clerk gave me a huge metal disk instead...

"I'm sorry, but I think there's been a misunderstanding" I said.

The clerk replied "I thought you asked for a condom?"

I nodded

The clerk responds "That's why I gave you a man hole cover"

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So, This guy is sitting at the bar, when he sees another guy sit next to a girl, strike up a conversation, and then about 15 minutes later, they leave together. He observes this happen every night, but with different women for a week...

Finally he is so curious as to what this guy's secret is, he approaches him, and says "Bro, you gotta tell me what your secret is! I've watched you walk in here, and take home a different woman every night for over a week now! What are you saying to them?"

The stranger smiles sheepishly, and ...

This is a joke better spoken than written, but here goes anyway...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says, "We don't allow animals here. You're going to have to leave your dog outside." The guy replies, "No, you misunderstand. My dog can talk." Amused, the bartender tells the man that that's ridiculous and to leave his dog outside. The guy says, "F...

A rabbi and a priest

A rabbi and a priest meet up after a year not seeing each other.

The rabbi goes: "Man, you've put on some weight since last time!"

Priest: "Yeah I know, it is a new technique I came up with. You go to a restaurant, eat as much as you can. When the bill comes, you tell them you already ...

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A mother sends her little son out to get some edible silver balls for the top of a birthday cake...

The son misunderstands, and comes back with a bag of very small steel ball bearings. Being so tiny, nobody notices them as they're swallowed from the top of the cake. That is, until next morning...

The elder daughter comes downstairs and says "Mum, I was so uncomfortable this morning. I had...

If you could bring a suitcase to heaven

An old rich man is nearing the end of his life. He has started many charity organizations and has always been generous to the poor, but he never really felt like he found any purpose to his life, so he decides to attend a Christian congregation one Sunday. The minister gave a lesson entitled, 'If yo...

Pope Francis knocks on heaven's gate

Pope Francis knocks on heaven's gate after his death. Saint Peter opens the door, looks at him and says: "Welcome to live after death. What is your name?" The pope is slightly irritated and answers: "I am the pope." "Pope who?", Peter asks. "Pope Francis, you should know who I am!" the pope says, a ...

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In a small town there's a priest who makes good friends with his congregation. One Sunday, a fisherman invites the priest to go fishing with him.

The next weekend, they get in a boat and spend the day fishing. Unfortunately, neither of them has much luck, until all of a sudden, the priest feels a huge tug in his line. With some help from the fisherman, he reels in what must be a thirty pound largemouth bass.

Forgetting himself, the fis...

Usain Bolt wins a race in Europe [x-post from /r/meanjokes because it's not very offensive]

and goes out after to celebrate.

But he is refused service at the first pub he goes to. The barman shakes his head and says, "Sorry, we do not serve your type here."

Bolt is not happy to hear this and orders his drink again. But the barman refuses to serve him, "Sorry, there`s a place ...

What do you call 'a woman's understanding'?

Misunderstanding

A polar bear carries a large freezer into an ice factory....

On his way inside, he's stopped by a penguin wearing a tie and a nametag and carrying a clipboard.
"Why are you bringing a freezer into an ice factory??" The penguin asked.
"I'm a new hire," the polar bear replied, "I brought it with me because back home it freezes EVERYTHING. I thought it'...

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A reverend's wife walks into a butcher shop.

She knows that her husband will be entertaining some pretty important members of their congregation for dinner, and she wants only the finest food. She asks the butcher what he would personally recommend, to which he replies "Well ma'am, I would have some Dam Ham." The reverend's wife, a simple lady...

The holiest man in the world deserves a reward.

One day, God looked down on earth and felt despair at all the evil and selfish people that were inhabiting the world. God then cast his gaze on a man who was not like everyone else. This man was truly the most caring and holy man in all creation. God decided that this man deserved a reward for being...

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Three men arrive to the Heaven's Gates...

...and are asked by St. Peter, how did they found their final fate.
The 1st man steps forward:
"Well,see, I long suspected that my wife been cheating on me, so today I "left for work", only to come back half an hour later. And what do I see -- my wife naked in bed, and some asshole below our w...

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A truck driver and his pet parrot are hauling a load of chickens

When all of a sudden he stops to pick up an attractive hitchhiker. He swings the door open and asks, "You want a lift?" She tells him "yes! Omg thank you!" As she starts to climb on in. When the parrot exclaims, "wanna fuck?" Which she stutters, "N-nnno." The parrot screeches, "No fuck! No ride!...

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A farmer travels to the nearest town to see the doctor.

The doctor diagnoses the farmer and hands him a jar of pills, explaining, “these are suppositories, take one a day for a month.”

The farmer thanks the doctor, adding, “Doc, I’m not an educated man. What is a sup-pos-it-ory?”

The doctor humbly answers, “they’re just like any pill, excep...

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting

the branch of a tree hanging over a river ...
..., his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe had fallen into the water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the...

Tearful Bride

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed a...

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Wheelie bin

In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."


A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out.

In the spirit of kindness a...

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