Darned Jokes

“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”

“I’m from Ireland.”

“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”

“Grew up in Wexford.”

“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”

“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary scho... read more

A man sends a text to his next-door neighbor: “Bob, I’m sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt for some time & I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you. I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home. I can’t live with the guilt any... read more

The man getting served in front of me at Starbucks asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas."

The guy was fuming.

"I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!" “This is B.S.” he raged.

"Fine! Just give me a darned latte!" He went and sat down, grumbling.... read more

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read.

After a few minutes the man tu... read more

DEAR NEIGHBOR:


Hi, George. This is Richard, next door. I've a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text. I can't live with myself a minute longer without your... read more

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she sa... read more

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice ... read more

I worship Gosh and his son Gee Whiz, so I won't be darned to heck.

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii... read more

Because of those darned pie rates.

and bragged about it to his neighbors on how fast it was. A billionaire was passing by and took a liking to it. So he made a million dollar offer to the farmer for the chicken. Surprisingly, the farmer declined.

'Then, I'll give you five million for it,' said the billionaire.

'Sorry, I... read more

There was a man whose name was Odd. He wasn't sure why his parents had given him that name but it had caused him problems all his life and he never liked it. As he grew older he grew to like his name even less and one day he was sitting talking with his wife and said "Honey you know that I have neve... read more

"Man, all these stairs are killing me," said one.

The other replies, "Forget the stairs, it's these darned low handrails."

He kicks open the door and waddles in with a steering wheel in his pants.


"You gotta help me, this thing is drivin' me..."


"Drivin' yer nuts. Yeah, I get it. Hear that one all the time. Now, would you be so kind as to remove that darned thing from yer trousers and toss it in co... read more