The 86+ Best Lie Jokes - ↑UPJOKE↑

A man buys a robot that slaps people when they tell a lie.

He decides to test it on his family at dinner that night.

The man asked his son, "Son, what did you do after school today?"

The son replied, "Oh, I just did some homework" and the robot slapped the son.

The son said, "Okay I actually watched a movie with my friends".

The ...

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A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."

The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

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A guy with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach... (Warning: dark humor)

Then this beautiful, voluptuous blonde comes walking by, sees the crippled guy and starts pitying him. So she walks up to him and asks him: “Would you like a kiss?”

The guy looks up and says a bit hesitantly “Um… yes!”

So the woman bends down and the two of them make out for a long whi...

Don’t lie to the cops

Man gets pulled over by the police.

"Sir have you been drinking?"

"Yes. 7 beers, 5 shots of tequila and about 4 glasses of wine."

"I'm going to ask you to take this breathalizer test."

"What! You don't believe me?"

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A father buys a lie detector

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend'...

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies."

I replied, "Well, tell him he's really good - I haven't got any kids!"

A married couple is lying in bed one night....

A married couple is lying in bed one night.

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interv...

Never get married. It'll only end in divorce. The statistics don't lie.

100% of divorces started with marriage. Can't say I didn't warn you.

I cannot tell a lie.

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remov...

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Just found out that the Oscars is a big fucking lie all the way along

Those people they invite to their ceremonies are all paid actors

Voldemort:so I just have to lie?

Pinocchio: yep.

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Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband Johnny:

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

Johnny replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
...

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What do you call it when one German WWII soldier lies to you, then another, then two lie to you, then three tell you a lie, then five lie to you, then eight, then thirteen....

A fibbin' Nazi sequence

I lied about my age

A 60 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!

Friend: "How did she marry you?"

Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"

Friend: "You said 45?"

Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90"

What do you call a priest who always lies?

A pathological friar.

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse...

Why do dentists never lie

Because the tooth always comes out

LAWYERS DON'T LIE

A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy ...

Never lie to your radiologist

They will see right through you

School students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advise that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they...

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What do you call it when a man lies about his cock size?

A phalacy

In US Presidential History: Washington could not tell a lie, Nixon could not tell a truth...

and Trump can not tell the difference

Never lie to an elephant

There was a TED talk for elephants by elephants. The speaker elephant was talking about why you should never lie to elephants. It went like:

"So ladies and gentlemen, why should you never lie to an elephant?

Well it's because an elephant never...

never...

An elephant, uh,...

What is the greatest lie of all time?

"I have read and accepted the terms and conditions."

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again,

she gets up and apologizes again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

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There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish If you lie – poof it swallows you up.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar.
They head straight for the mirror.
The redhead goes first and says “I think I’m the most beautiful woman on Earth” Poof- the mirror swallows her up.
The brunette goes up to the mirror and says “I think I’m the sexiest woman on Earth” Po...

Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said

"You're a lot like a math exam."

I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?"

She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian."

A father bought a lie detector which hit people when they lied.

His young son said, “I have no naughty books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

His father saw that and scolded his son, “When I was your age, I didn’t have such books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

The mother saw what happened and laughed and said, “Oh, you are truly father ...

Horrible lie

The preacher rose with a red face. “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiv...

I just fired my sioux chef because I found out he lied on his resume.

Turns out he's navajo.

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.

He says to her:

'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and when our son died in a car crash?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'

'y...

I hate women who lie over the smallest things.

My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.

How long did 8 lie down for?

Forever.

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She h...

So a blonde goes to a lying competition

The goal of the competition is to tell the most convincing, outrageous lie. The blonde thinks for days and days over what lie she is going to tell but she is never able to come up with a good one.

On the day of the competition, she walks up on stage, still lacking a good lie. She reaches for ...

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My girlfriend did a lie detector test.

"According to the results," said the conductor, "your girlfriend has been unfaithful."

I paused for a moment, then said, "Just how reliable are these results?"

"Extremely," he replied. "She gave me a blowjob in the car park earlier."

Sometimes I tell people that I know a little Italian, but that’s a lie.

For god sakes he’s only 5’7” “little” seems kinda harsh

"Did you ever lie down on the tracks?"

Not personally. I once knew somebody who did.

"What happened?"

I lost track of him.

Bob Dylan

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A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.

A woman passes by and remarks "If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady ..." He replies "If you were any sort of sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself!"

A man dies and goes to heaven

In heaven, he sees a wall of very large clocks.

He asks the Angel "What are all these clocks for?"

Angel answers "These are lie clocks, every person has one lie clock. Whenever you lie on earth, the clock ticks once."

The man points towards a clock and asks, "Who's clock...

Why don't Deontologists lie, cheat, steal or kill?

They just Kant.

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody lies around it.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”

Son: “Yeah.”

Detector: “Beep.“

Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”

Detector: “Beep.”

Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”

Father: “What?! At your age, I ...

My brother always lies, today he finally admitted to being a pathological liar

Yeah, like I'm falling for that

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NSFW A woman was lying on the beach one day...

When suddenly a bee flies into her vagina.
Scared as she was, she went to the doctors office and received a male doctor in the urgent matters.
She explained her problem to him. He said there was nothing to worry about.

"Just go home and put some honey on your husbands dick, and ask him ...

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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field.

The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
...

Three things that never lie.....

Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

A man died and went to heaven...

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “what are those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock wi...

I once lied on my CV to get a job as a window cleaner

I thought I'd get fired but my boss couldn't see through it

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Common reasons why people lie

- To avoid getting hurt
- To avoid hurting others
- To avoid reading the fucking Terms & Conditions

What do you call it when lemons and limes tell lies?

Pulp fiction!

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

What do you get when a crab lies down?

Prostrate Cancer.

What bone breaks when you lie too much?

Your fibula.

What is the biggest lie ever?

"I have read and agree to the terms of use"

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Lie detector

Little Johnny's dad buys a lie detector that slaps you when you lie because little Johnny has been lying to him lately. When his detector arrives he's gets excited and wants to try it out. Little Johnny is supposed to be in his room doing his homework. So Johnny's dad takes the detector and walks in...

they gave lie detectors the wrong name.

Should have called then facts machines

A man saw an epitaph in a cemetery which read: 'Here lies an honest man and politician.'

'Shame,' he cried, 'two people in the same grave''

A man’s wife was lying in bed crying.

Her husband walks in and asks “what’s wrong?”

“I had a dream where a prince took me from you” she replies.

The husband says “Oh my dear, relax it was just a dream.”

To which the wife retorts “that’s why I’m crying!”

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Lie Detector

A man buys a robot shaped like an arm and a hand and brings it home to his wife and son.
Son: "What is it?"
Dad: "It's a lie detector robot. It slaps people who lie."
Son: "No way!"
Dad: "It really is. Here let's try it: why weren't you at school today?"
Son (defensive): "I WAS at sc...

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

There are three kinds of lies:

lies, damned lies, and statistics.

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One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"
...

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Condom question

A girl is talking to her guy friend: "I found condoms in my boyfriend's jacket. We don't use condoms and when I confronted him, he told me he uses them to masturbate. Do you ever do that??"

"Sure", her guy friend replies.

"Really?? You masturbate into condoms??!"

"Oh", he respon...

Why is it OK to lie to a dentist?

Because the tooth hurts.

An old one. What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck!

I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile.

What weighs more? 50kg of Iron or a 50kg woman?

The woman. They always lie about their weight.

We've all come to expect that corporations lie.

But I didn't find a single baby working at Babies 'R Us.

A dad buys a lie detector

He tells his son. This will beep whenever you lie. Where where you? The son says "I was at school" the lie detector beeps. The son says "ok, I was at the sinema with my friends" the lie detector beeps. He says OK I WAS AT MY FRIENDS HOUSE!!! we where drinking and doing drugs" the lie detector does n...

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An old married couple is lying in bed when...

the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and sa...

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A man lies naked on the beach...

But because his private parts aren't as tanned as the rest of his body, he place a hat on it. A few minutes later a lady walks by, fully nude. The lady jokinly said to the man "Well, if you were a gentleman, you would raise your hat for me..." The man answered in return "Well, m'lady, the hat would ...

The Biggest Lie...

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

**The teacher says**, "Why are you arguing?"

**One boy answers**, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," **said the teacher,** "When I w...

Why can't you lie to an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday.

There's 「lie」 in 「believe」

There's 「try」 in 「chemistry」

There's 「anal」 in 「analysis 」

But there's no 「Trump」 in 「oval office」

The oldest man in the world is lying on his deathbed.

A reporter asks him how he managed to live to be so old.

The man replies, "I just don't argue with stupid people."

The reporter tells him, "That's ridiculous."

The old man replies with, "Yes, you're right."

Upon being caught in a lie, my boss ask me, "Who's stupid, me or you?".

I told him he doesn't hire stupid people.

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A married man was having an affair with his Nympho secretary, and lost track of time.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demande...

Lying Politicians

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road, and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.A few days la...

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After a long day, I like to lie down on my bed, look up at the stars and think to myself:

Where the fuck has the roof gone?

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So a dad is fed up with his son lying to him…

Dad: (brings home lie detector) so son, what did you do today?

Son: I went to school

(Beep)

Son: fine, I went to my friends house.

Dad: what did you do at your friends house?

Son: we watched a movie

Dad: what kind of movie?

Son: A Disney film

(...

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My young son saw me taking Viagra and asked what it was...

So I replied, "It's just a vitamin I have to take every once in a while."

My wife said, "You really shouldn't lie to the boy..."

I said, "you're right honey." So I knelt next to my son and said "This is the pill Daddy needs because Mommy is getting old."

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

A dad buys a lie detector robot and it slaps anyone who lies

The dad asks his son, “where were you today”? And the son says, “at school” and the robot slaps him. Then the son says “ok, ok, ok,... I was watching Kung Fu Panda”. Then the robot slaps him again. So the sons says “fine...I was hanging out with a girl. And the dad goes “what?” “You’re too young to ...

I took a lie detector test once

No I didn't.

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