This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."



The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

Turns out we’ve all been lied to about French fries. The first fries weren’t actually cooked in France.

They were cooked in Greece.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father buys a robot that slaps people when they lie.

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he
did that afternoon.

Son: "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son....

Son: "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house wat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch

A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady."

He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

''Mr president, what would you say is your best lie to the American people?''

"I have never lied to the American people."


"Excellent choice, Mr president. Thank you."

If you encounter a polar bear in the wild, lie down and pretend that you're dead.

It's good practice for when you'll be really dead, five minutes later.

What do you call it when a man lies about his p*nis size?

A Phallacy!

The Biggest Lie...

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

**The teacher says**, "Why are you arguing?"

**One boy answers**, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," **said the teacher,** "When I w...

Once there was a mirror that killed anyone who lied...

1st person : I think I dont smoke (died).

2nd person : I think I love my wife (died).

Karen : I think.. (died)

That long life milk is a total lie.

I bought some for my wife and she died the next day.

They say you should just let sleeping dogs lie.

But what if they're under oath?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Those little lies you tell at the bowling alley

Bowlshit

The Kings Servant was walking towards the castle, when he saw a man lying on the side of the path.

The servant asked if the man was ok, and he replies:

"Oh, hi, I'm Will. Nice to meet you! Would you like to buy me?

"What, you mean like a servant?" says the King's servant.

"No, just to have me around"

The servant was lonely, as he had to work day and night for the king,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my little brother tested out a new lie dectector machine.

The lie detector only buzzes when a truth is told and does nothing else when a lie is told

My litlle brother was so exited and he wanted to try it out first. So I let him go. He told a truth saying "My favourite game is baseball!" and the detector buzzed. Then I said its my turn now. "No! On...

We were fed lies by our education system saying that there are only four faces carved in Mount Rushmore.

How can they miss John Cena and The Rock.

My friends always complain that I can eat so much and never gain weight. I've told them its because I workout like crazy but they say I'm lying. Well they're kinda right, but I dont lie....

IBS.

The other day I was playing 2 truths and a lie.

Well, technically I was testifying in a murder trial.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple are lied in bed after making love,

the man turns to his wife and says “baby, how come you never tell me when you orgasm?”
his wife replies “darling, you know I don’t like to call you when you’re at work”.

Reporter to Trump: What do you think about all the lying you have done?

Trump: I never lie. But when I do, I tell the most beautiful lies. The most magnificent lies. But I never lie. Really I don’t.


Some people do think I lie on the bed though. But I never lie.

Why can’t an American bathroom stall lie?

You can see right through them

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he to...

What does a liar do after he dies?

He lies still.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A white man comes across a Native American lying with his ear pressed against the ground between a pair of tire tracks.

“What’s going on?” the white man asks.

“White Chevy Tahoe. Four door. License plate XPV 14785. Has a Coexist bumper sticker,” replies the Native American.

“Wow, you can tell all that from just listening to the ground?”

“No, you idiot! That’s what the asshole who hit me was drivi...

"What do you think lies there, on the other side?", I asked my father as he took his last breathes...

He replied, "I don't know son, but I'm dying to find out."

An old lady goes to a dentist, lies on his table, drops her panties and stretches her legs

The dentist says “I’m not a gynecologist.” She says “I know, I need my husband’s teeth back.”

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Ja...

A woman awaiting surgery was lying naked...

A woman awaiting surgery was lying naked on a gurney in the hallway when a man in a white coat came by, lifted the sheet, looked for a moment, then disappeared.


A few minutes later, the same man stopped by again, lifted her sheet, looked for a moment, then disappeared.


When...

What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump?

George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.

Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth.

Donald Trump can’t tell the difference

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father and son are hanging out in their living room watching TV

Suddenly the dad’s feet are cold and he asks the son to get him his slippers from upstairs.

While upstairs the son sees two of his sister’s friends so he goes up to both of them and says, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".

“you're lying", They say

The son ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's Blue and lies under a mushroom ?

Smurf poop

A man lies to his wife to go to a party.

He tells her that he has an important meeting with his boss and so he wouldn't come Home that day.

The next day, he feels guilty for lying to his wife and decides to tell her the truth. ' I've a confession to make. ' the man says . ' I also want to say something , but you speak first . ' the ...

The price of your average meat pie in Nicaragua, Panama, Dominica and Cubais $3. In Mexico, Honduras, Jamaica and Bahamas it lies around $2.79, and the cheapest at $1.79 can be found in Granada and Guatemala.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!

Apparently you have to wear clothes too.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

Politicians always lie...

Didn't John F. Kennedy promise to serve a full term?

A gorgeous shapely girl was lying on the hospital bed..

A gorgeous shapely girl was lying naked in a hospital bed with just a sheet half-covering her. Suddenly a young man came in, pulled back the sheet and examined her closely. “What’s the verdict?” she asked.

He replied, “You’ll have to ask the doctor, love. ..I’m just here to clean the room...”

I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place!

My dog came in third.

I like to lie a lot on online dating profiles.

But I have to tell you the hardest part about being six foot - five is finding someone who loves me for me.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches ?

A nervous wreck

A married man was having an affair with his secretary

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage...

when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lie detector

**After hearing complaints of his son from school, the dad bought home a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner: …**

DAD : Son where were you today during school hours?

SON : At school (robot slaps the Son and he immediately changes his mind) Ok...

I was chatting to a girl online and she said her parents were monkeys. I figured she had to be lying.

Then I saw her face, now Imma believe her.

Who's the only politician to never lie?

Justin Tru 'do.

Did you hear the one about that kid who lied about having brain cancer for awards and upvotes?...

Apparently he hasn't heard the concept of "karma"

I've got an anti-exercise routine where I lie on the couch all day

I call it abs-tinence

I once lied in biology class and told everyone I could touch the tiny hairs in my nose - They all laughed.

I'd never felt cilia.

When you’re not attracted to your wife but promised to never tell a lie.

“Oh yeah baby, that is theoretically what I like to see.”

Four college students get drunk together the night before their final exam.

They get so drunk that they wake up late and miss their exam. The four students go to the professor together and explain this elaborate lie that their car tire went flat when they were on their way to the exam. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.

The day of the makeup test, the ...

Don't Lie to Your Mom

**Could have been posted before**, however here it goes...



Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be ...

The wife comes home and has $5000 in cash.

When her husband asks, “Where did that come from?”

She replies, “I won it in a lottery!”

To which he replies, “That’s great! Let’s go celebrate.”

The next day she comes home with a full-length mink coat.

Again the husband asks, “Where did that come from?”

She says,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to see a sex therapist

"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three"

"Please open your mouth," the therapist says.

The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully.

"I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie jus...

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

A man's girlfriend went to Europe for 5 days with some girlfriends.

She asked her boyfriend to watch her cat while she was gone. The first day she was gone, the cat was hit by a car and was killed. The first day she was gone she called and asked how her cat was doing. He didn't want to ruin her vacation so he said the cat was fine. The second day she called and he s...

Voldemort: so I need to lie?

Pinocchio: yup!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reddit Karma is a lot like sex

It's easier to get if you lie about having cancer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, pleas...

A man named Rick walks into his room after a long day of work and sees his wife crying on their bed.

He askes her what it was all about and she said that she had been threatened by someone she thought was her friend earlier that evening.

Now, Rick has no idea how to handle this, so goes to confront his friend Lee, who has some experience with things like this.

After a long discussion...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When is it okay for your partner to lie to you during sex?

When his name is Pinocchio and you’re sitting on his face.

Pinocchio lied while going down on her.

She was taken aback.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a blond woman was at a shoe store arguing about the price of alligator boots

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go give...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was teaching his wife golf...

The wife struck the golf ball so hard that it went to the neighbours house and they heard a crash like it broke something.

Embarrassed and apologetic, they go over to the neighbours house and let themselves in.

They see a broken vase on the ground and a man standing near it.

...

Three friends die and go to heaven...

and meet God at the gate. God tells them that he will give them cars to drive into heaven, but first they have to tell him how many times they cheated on their wives, and they shouldn't bother lying because he has a big record book of every person's actions.

God turns to the first man and ask...

My wife called me at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, I replied, "No..."

She responded, "How about now?"

In a certain politician's dreams, Franklin Delano Roosevelt appears. The politician asks him "What can I do to make America great again?". FDR responds "Do everything for the people". The politician wakes up startled, and mutters "Lies!" under his breath. The next night,

George Washingon appears in the dreams of the politician.

He asks "What can I do to make America great again?", to which GW responds "Never tell a lie".

The politician wakes up startled, and curses under his breath.

The next night, Abraham Lincoln appears in the politician's...

what lies on the floor, 100 feet in the air?

a dead centipede

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
...

An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man ...

Series of jokes translated from Armenian

Some context: Abaran is a city in Armenia, and there's this stereotype about the "Abarantsi" (person from Abaran) who is supposed to be stupid and there's a bunch of jokes about it, kind of like blonde jokes (this is all for the sake of the joke, however, and we love and respect the people of Abaran...

A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says - “Talking dog for sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

If you lie to people to get their money you can go to jail for fraud

Unless you're a preacher

How long did 8 lie down for?

Forever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple

A married couple was lying in bed one night.

The wife switched off the lights, and curled up under the sheets, ready to go to sleep, just as the husband turned his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he started to read, he periodically reached over to his wife and fondled her pussy. He di...

One politician says to the other "You're lying!"

The other politician replies "Yes I am but hear me out!"

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.

The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said "I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up so I can look death straight in the eyes!"

The execution...

One day Jesus was delivering a sermon to his flock. "The path to the Lord lies at y=x2−4x+2". A passer-by leans over to Peter and whispers "what's he banging on about?"

Peter replies "don't worry, it's just one of his parabolas"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Seven Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Voldemort: So you‘re saying that I’ll just have to lie?

Pinocchio: Yes.

From a 30 year old memory of a joke someone's grandfather told.

Brad's first year away at university was a lot of partying and paying for his friend's. He quickly runs out of money. His father would not be pleased with his wastefulness, so Brad sends him a message stating he has a professor that can teach his father's dog how to read and write for a bargain pric...

In honor of the eve of April Fools Day... just remember that tomorrow you need to be cautious of many tweets and news reports because most of them will be lies and simply there to try and trick you. Believe nothing, and trust no one.

Just treat it like it's any other day.



Have fun!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a doctors office

for his appointment. Waiting in the the lobby, his name is called. He then follows the nurse into the examining room. She instructs him to remove his cloths and put on the hospital gown, then leaves the room.

After a few minutes of waiting, there’s a knock on the door, and the doctor walks in...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.