A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again,

she gets up and apologizes again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies."

I said, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again,...

A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.

He says to her:

'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and when our son died in a car crash?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'

'y...

ill give you $80 to believe a lie, but if you dont believe it you have to pay me $20. ok, guy agrees.

Ive already paid you as $100 and am waiting for my change.

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A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."



The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

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The Lie Detector Joke

One day, a couple buys a lie detector machine which slaps you when you lie.

The woman looks at the machine and says to her husband "Honey, have you ever cheated on me?"

The man says "Never!" and instantly gets bitch-slapped.

"HOW COULD YOU?!?" the woman replies in horror and sur...

Kylie can see straight through Caitlyn's lies

You know. Transparent

My wife lied about being vegan

She ate animal crackers.

Not gonna lie, if Amazon and Bing Converged

It'd be Amazing.

An overweight criminal takes a lie detector test to prove his innocence.

This is the cops' last chance to prove his guilt.

They hook him up to the detector and tell him, "First we will ask you an obvious question and you must lie. If the machine registers your lie we will ask you about the crime and you will go to jail. If it does not you are free to leave."
...

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Lie About Past Accomplishments.

It’s true...

There's 「lie」 in 「believe」

There's 「try」 in 「chemistry」

There's 「anal」 in 「analysis 」

But there's no 「Trump」 in 「oval office」

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Flash was running and saw Wonder Woman lying naked in the beach (NSFW)

He thought this would be the best chance,he could go in, do his business and leave even before anyone notices. So he goes in, finishes his business and runs away!

Sensiting this commotion, Wonder Woman asks "What the fuck just happened? " and Invisible Man replies "I don't know, but my asshol...

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge, only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic, patronising smirk and asked: "What's your hurry?"

She replied; "I'm late for work!"

"Oh yeah?", Said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded
The cop stammered, "a-what...?"

"A ...

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I miss the good old days when the president only lied to us to protect national security.

Or to hide a blowjob from his wife.

A mother asks her two sons who broke her favorite vase. She told them she won’t get angry if they told the truth, yet one of them lied. The first son said he played soccer in the house but broke nothing. The second son said he only broke his own doll house. Who’s lying?

The mother is, we all know she will stil get angry no matter what.

What do you call a train that does not lie?

A true-true train

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared...

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My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

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A woman goes to the OBGYN and lies on the table

When she spreads her legs she hears:

Doctor: Wow, that's some big vagina.

Doctor: Wow, that's some big vagina.

Patient: Ok, you don't really need to repeat it.

Doctor: Sorry, it wasn't me. It was the echo.

Old soviet man is lying on his deathbed...

...as his end is nearing, he surprises everyone by inviting communist party secretary instead of priest, saying he wants to join the communist party before he dies.

"Why did you invite me here? Your whole life you didn't want to join, what changed your mind now?" wonders the communist officia...

Over Christmas dinner, I accidentally let it slip I'd lied about my degree in biology.

Me and my big face-hole thingy.

Two Married Unicorns are Lying in Bed

The husband Unicorn, without looking up from his newspaper, says “big storm’s a brewin”. The wife Unicorn then replies, “ well then I’m glad we didn’t go on that cruise with your whack job friend Noah!”

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

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A man was lying in bed with hi...

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ... Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"
"Because," she replied ... "I really miss mine."

What's the biggest lie in American history?

You have 2 minutes uninterrupted.

A priest, an alcoholic, and an engineer are sentenced to death.

They are to be killed by the guillotine.

First is the priest. The executioner says "You can go on the guillotine either face up or face down". The priest says "I want to die face up, looking up to the heavens". So the priest lies face up. The executioner releases the blade; the blade falls ra...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Mystifie...

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,...

I was raised to believe that girls never lied.

So when I was out with my best friend at the cinema, one of the female workers there said she knew how to get into the cinema for free, so I believed her. She took me to an empty cinema and started to lower the lights and started to remove her clothing. I was confused but I went along with it. The m...

What do you call a lizard that tells damaging lies about you?

A slandermander

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A man comes home from work early and finds his wife lying on the bed panting hard

"What's going?" he asks her?
"Er, I'm having chest pains", she replays, "so I decided to have a lie down."
He runs downstairs and quickly phones for an ambulance.
Whilst on the phone his youngest of 3 children pull his sleeve and says," Daddy, uncle John is naked in the wardrobe".
He qui...

My 9 year old daughter just now. Where do people get their lies from?

From the lie-brary

A married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife is all curled up, ready to go to sleep, as the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book

As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife, and fondles her "special area". He does this a few times, but only for very short intervals before turning back to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused... and, assuming that her husband is seeking some enco...

The Biggest Lie...

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

**The teacher says**, "Why are you arguing?"

**One boy answers**, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," **said the teacher,** "When I w...

A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people every time they tell a lie...

Dad: what were you watching?

Son: Kung-Fu Panda

*\*robot slaps son\**

Son: Ok! It was an erotic movie.

Dad: WHAT?! When I was your age i didn’t even know what an erotic movie was

*\*robot slaps dad\**

Mum: HAHAHA!!! He’s your son after all

*\*robot s...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a restaurant.

They are having a fun time and give their waitress a huge tip. Super excited about the tip, the waitress decides to tell them a secret: In the women's bathroom, there is a magical mirror. If you tell it something truthful, you will be greatly rewarded. However, if you lie to the mirror, you will dis...

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A father buys a robot that slaps people when they lie.

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he
did that afternoon.

Son: "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son....

Son: "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house wat...

A priest, a lawyer, and an engineer, were each sentenced to death by guillotine.

The priest went first, and he says "Please. Allow me to lie facing up, so that I might face towards God as I am about to join him."

The guards allow it, and place his head through the slot.

The guard pulls the lever and the blade comes down but stops just inches short of the priest's h...

A man gets stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?

Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish

Warden: your pet fish? How’s that?

Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about a half hour, and then I whistle and they all come back and j...

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A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch

A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady."

He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

What’s Orange and Lies Constantly?

A rotting clementine, but I like where your head’s at.

''Mr president, what would you say is your best lie to the American people?''

"I have never lied to the American people."


"Excellent choice, Mr president. Thank you."

They had us in the first half not gonna lie

My phone was at low battery so i had to plug it in right next to someone. The guy next to me was playing flappy bird really loud and it kept beeping. I kept telling him to stop and he ignored me. I got so mad i unplugged his device and it fell silent. Anyway that was the last time i was allowed in a...

If you encounter a polar bear in the wild, lie down and pretend that you're dead.

It's good practice for when you'll be really dead, five minutes later.

People said that I have irrational fear of lies.

Bu I'm afraid that is not true

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" ...

No matter what statistics partisan hacks use to back up their lies today, just remember that mathematics....

...is the true source of division.

Cuddly bear

A woman walks into bar and sits next to a handsome man. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together, and go back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that a wall in his bedroom is completely filled with three shelves of soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears on three...

Trump dies and goes to hell..

... where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go,...

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Me and my little brother tested out a new lie dectector machine.

The lie detector only buzzes when a truth is told and does nothing else when a lie is told

My litlle brother was so exited and he wanted to try it out first. So I let him go. He told a truth saying "My favourite game is baseball!" and the detector buzzed. Then I said its my turn now. "No! On...

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A white man comes across a Native American lying with his ear pressed against the ground between a pair of tire tracks.

“What’s going on?” the white man asks.

“White Chevy Tahoe. Four door. License plate XPV 14785. Has a Coexist bumper sticker,” replies the Native American.

“Wow, you can tell all that from just listening to the ground?”

“No, you idiot! That’s what the asshole who hit me was drivi...

The other day I was playing 2 truths and a lie.

Well, technically I was testifying in a murder trial.

A bus filled with politicians is speeding down a country road when it swerves into a field and hits a tree.

The farmer who owns the field and tree comes out to investigate. Then he digs a hole and buries the politicians. A few days later the sheriff drives by and sees the bus. He goes and gets the farmer and asks him where the politicians are. He says he buried them. The sheriff asks if they were all dead...

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It was 1988. A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot...

... One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond n...

Why can’t an American bathroom stall lie?

You can see right through them

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I took a sick day and lied that I had constipation

My boss bought it and even said he hopes I get well soon and stop being so full of shit

I went to Walmart today

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the t...

That long life milk is a total lie.

I bought some for my wife and she died the next day.

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he to...

The Kings Servant was walking towards the castle, when he saw a man lying on the side of the path.

The servant asked if the man was ok, and he replies:

"Oh, hi, I'm Will. Nice to meet you! Would you like to buy me?

"What, you mean like a servant?" says the King's servant.

"No, just to have me around"

The servant was lonely, as he had to work day and night for the king,...

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other .

What do you call it when a man lies about his p*nis size?

A Phallacy!

My friends always complain that I can eat so much and never gain weight. I've told them its because I workout like crazy but they say I'm lying. Well they're kinda right, but I dont lie....

IBS.

They say you should just let sleeping dogs lie.

But what if they're under oath?

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A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

Once there was a mirror that killed anyone who lied...

1st person : I think I dont smoke (died).

2nd person : I think I love my wife (died).

Karen : I think.. (died)

Clocks, Trump, and Heaven

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course...

WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!

Apparently you have to wear clothes too.

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6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

An old lady goes to a dentist, lies on his table, drops her panties and stretches her legs

The dentist says “I’m not a gynecologist.” She says “I know, I need my husband’s teeth back.”

We were fed lies by our education system saying that there are only four faces carved in Mount Rushmore.

How can they miss John Cena and The Rock.

My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties

Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?

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My girlfriend left me today and she gave me two reasons why...

That my penis is too big, and I lie too much.

Reporter to Trump: What do you think about all the lying you have done?

Trump: I never lie. But when I do, I tell the most beautiful lies. The most magnificent lies. But I never lie. Really I don’t.


Some people do think I lie on the bed though. But I never lie.

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The Golfing Nun - and why life is never perfect.

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.


'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'


'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to...

At the Pearly Gates in Heaven

The first applicant of the day at the Pearly Gates explains that his last day was not a good one...
“I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just got out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she w...

The price of your average meat pie in Nicaragua, Panama, Dominica and Cubais $3. In Mexico, Honduras, Jamaica and Bahamas it lies around $2.79, and the cheapest at $1.79 can be found in Granada and Guatemala.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

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A couple are lied in bed after making love,

the man turns to his wife and says “baby, how come you never tell me when you orgasm?”
his wife replies “darling, you know I don’t like to call you when you’re at work”.

Politicians always lie...

Didn't John F. Kennedy promise to serve a full term?

Sorry, mom. I hope dad would feel the same way

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." ...

Joe Biden and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

As they are waving to everyone, Biden leans towards Trump saying,

“Did you know, that with one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? Also, this joy will not be merely a momentary display, like that of your followers, but will go deep into their hearts...

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Why was Cinderella thrown out of Fairyland?

She was caught sitting on Pinnochio's face, shouting "Lie, you bastard! Lie!"

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

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Lie detector

**After hearing complaints of his son from school, the dad bought home a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner: …**

DAD : Son where were you today during school hours?

SON : At school (robot slaps the Son and he immediately changes his mind) Ok...

A young boy is asked by his teacher what his parents do for a living

“Well my mother is a psychologist and my dad plays the piano in a brothel” the boy replies

The teacher, shocked by the father’s profession
calls the parents to ask them about the young boy’s comment.

When the parents arrive, the father apologised to the teacher saying “I’m sorry I...

A woman awaiting surgery was lying naked...

A woman awaiting surgery was lying naked on a gurney in the hallway when a man in a white coat came by, lifted the sheet, looked for a moment, then disappeared.


A few minutes later, the same man stopped by again, lifted her sheet, looked for a moment, then disappeared.


When...

Lawyer teaches his son!

A lawyer obviously wanted his young son to become a lawyer too, so he began training him in the right earnest, quite early. He began teaching him how to tell lies



One day to test his son, he asked, "Son, if you tell a lie without thinking for a second, then I will give you 100 bucks!"...

"What do you think lies there, on the other side?", I asked my father as he took his last breathes...

He replied, "I don't know son, but I'm dying to find out."

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