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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

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Harry was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard, he sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Harry asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Harry questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get one and I get one."

Harry brought over his wife and discussed about what to ...

Why do dentists never lie

Because the tooth always comes out

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She h...

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A suspected COVID-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet...

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Lie detector

Little Johnny's dad buys a lie detector that slaps you when you lie because little Johnny has been lying to him lately. When his detector arrives he's gets excited and wants to try it out. Little Johnny is supposed to be in his room doing his homework. So Johnny's dad takes the detector and walks in...

A father bought a lie detector which hit people when they lied.

His young son said, “I have no naughty books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

His father saw that and scolded his son, “When I was your age, I didn’t have such books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

The mother saw what happened and laughed and said, “Oh, you are truly father ...

What do you say when you can't lie but also can't tell the truth?

I'm fine.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and quivers?

A nervous wreck!!

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A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pull...

What is the biggest lie ever?

"I have read and agree to the terms of use"

Why can't you lie to a radiologist?

Because they see right through you

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What do you call it when one German WWII soldier lies to you, then another, then two lie to you, then three tell you a lie, then five lie to you, then eight, then thirteen....

A fibbin' Nazi sequence

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies." I said,

"Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”

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A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to r...

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

Upon arriving at the pearly gates, Jesus said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really think you'll like it here."

Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how H...

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A man and his wife are lying in bed when they hear a knock at the door.

The man hears that the wind is blowing a gale and the rain is is getting heavier and decides it was just the wind and goes back to sleep.

A few minutes later they hear it again so his wife says "Honey, go check it out. It might be bad news"
The man reluctantly agrees and goes to the front ...

A dad buys a lie detector

He tells his son. This will beep whenever you lie. Where where you? The son says "I was at school" the lie detector beeps. The son says "ok, I was at the sinema with my friends" the lie detector beeps. He says OK I WAS AT MY FRIENDS HOUSE!!! we where drinking and doing drugs" the lie detector does n...

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A couple are about to have sex, when the man reaches for some lube...

Opening a new bottle, he notices the protective tape on the cap has already been torn off, suggesting the bottle may have tampered with.

That's weird, he thinks to himself.

"Do not use if seal is missing" it reads on the bottle.

The man thinks for a second, but not wanting to ru...

A man walked into a bookshop and said: I'd like to buy a book by Shakespeare

'Of course' replied the sales assistant 'Any particular one?'

'William, of course' replies the man.

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again,

she gets up and apologizes again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

He who lies with a man as with a woman must be stoned (Leviticus 20:13)

Fortunately both are legal in Canada.

My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.

We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.

A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny t...

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An inventor, Liam, builds a humanoid lie detector robot that can slap you if you lie. As with all his inventions, his family will be the first round of test subjects.

At dinner, the inventor asks his son Jimmy about his day.

"I was at Scotts, we were studying for mid-terms."

The robot suddenly springs to life, slapping the son hard upside the head.

"Ow, what the fucking shit?" Jimmy exclaims angrily.

Liam looks at his son with a bemu...

It's not a good idea to lie

Especially if you're in the middle of the road.

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Lie Detecting Robot for Sale!

A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. When his son arrives home, he asks him what he did today.

"I did my homework right after school at the library." says the son. The robot promptly slaps him.

"Ouch!" said ...

Never lie on your CV . . .

. . . It'll get all crumpled

What’s a 69?

A young lad doesn’t know what a 69 is, and approaches a hooker and asks what a 69 is.

“C’mon kid, I’ll show you”.
They proceed to her place, where they get undressed.

“Lie on the bed, and I’ll sit on your face “.
As she jumps on, she lets out a great big dirty stinking fart, that...

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock. 
“What’s that there for?” he asks. 
Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.”  
“Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”  

“Where is Don...

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. Th...

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Old man goes up to a prostitute,

and says that he'll give her $100 to let him do weird things to her. She agrees and they go to a nearby motel. Inside the room she ducks to the bathroom to freshen up and undress,and comes back to find the old guy already in bed. She hops in with him,but to her surprise he doesn't touch her,and they...

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So the other day I went to the supermarket, and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi lover. He glared at me and started writing another ticket f...

They had us in the first half not gonna lie.

I was drinking at a bar so i took the bus home. That may not seem like a big deal to you but i've never driven a bus before...

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

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Once a man was lying on the beach wearing nothing but a hat on his crotch.

Then a lady came by her and said, "If you were a gentleman you would have lifted your hat to a lady."

Then he replies “If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself.”

The school called a woman and told her: "Your son has been telling lies"

"You're right", she replied, "I don't have any kids."

You’ve heard of 1000 Ways to Die, well here’s 1000 ways to lie:

It actually just one.

I took a lie detector test once

No I didn't.

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A Londoner, a Parisian and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals…

The cannibals are pretty pissed off because these guys have just wandered into their territory without asking permission. So the cannibals tell them, “We’re going to kill you, we’re going to eat you, and we’re going to make a canoe out of your skins. But just because we’re in a good mood today will...

What lies on its back a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede.

What is it called when the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air tells a lie?

Will's myth.

A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.

He says to her:

'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and when our son died in a car crash?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'

'y...

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

What drink never lies?

Honestea.

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A girl named Yu was being held captive by a tribe of goblins...

The goblins were very particular about how they did things, as they enjoyed toying with their captives. They all had a bizarre sense of humor.

“Let me go!” shouted Yu, who was suspended twenty feet in the air by ropes and pulleys. The goblins just chuckled at the fact that they knew she could...

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A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into...

Three things that never lie...

Drunk men, very young children,....and yoga pants.

Why are women so bad at backing up their vehicles?

Because we're constantly lied to about how long 6 inches is.

John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.

His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?"

"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."

"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.

"Th...

In a hole

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days la...

What do cheaters do after they die?

They lie still

Burt and Molly who were in their 70's were lying in bed one night.

Burt was falling asleep but Molly was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily Burt reached across, held her hand for a second, and rolled over to try to fall asleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly ir...

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Adam said unto the lord...

‘This garden of Eden you have provided, it has endless beauty and boundless supplies of nuts and berries.
But I’ve no one to share it with oh lord.’

The lord was a pretty sharp dude and said unto Adam...

‘Actually I’ve been thinking about that very problem. I can see that you are ...

Not gonna lie, if Amazon and Bing Converged

It'd Be Amazing.

A man sat in the pub.

He had been there all day from 3 onwards. As sunset was approaching he was still there. Midnight was closing time so the bartender asked him to leave.

The man, now very, very drunk from a day of non-stop drinking, stood up and fell over flat on his face. He tried standing up again, once agai...

A dad buys a lie detector robot and it slaps anyone who lies

The dad asks his son, “where were you today”? And the son says, “at school” and the robot slaps him. Then the son says “ok, ok, ok,... I was watching Kung Fu Panda”. Then the robot slaps him again. So the sons says “fine...I was hanging out with a girl. And the dad goes “what?” “You’re too young to ...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have yo...

I was once accused of having a Foot fetish…

…but that’s a lie. I much prefer the Metric system.

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge, only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic, patronising smirk and asked: "What's your hurry?"

She Replied; "I'm Late For Work!"

"Oh Yeah?", Said The Cop, "What Do You Do?"

"I'm A Rectum Stretcher," She Responded
The Cop Stammered, "A-What...?"

"A Rectum Stretcher!"

"And Just What Does A Rectum Stretcher Do?"

"Well," She Said, "I Start By Inserting One Fi...

A man is on his deathbed

He has 4 sons, the first 3 are strong and like him but the last one is weak and different from him.




He asks his wife "is our last son my son?", she replies "yes".




When the man has died his wife quietly whispers to herself "thank god he didn't ask about the oth...

ill give you $80 to believe a lie, but if you dont believe it you have to pay me $20. ok, guy agrees.

Ive already paid you as $100 and am waiting for my change.

A Joke for a Sunday

Jesus was relaxing in Heaven when he noticed a familiar looking old man. Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a m...

A gorgeous young redhead on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"...

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.

Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.

One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?

Farmer: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".

But I couldn't believe them.

You know, these politicians. They can lie.

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I am sick and tired of companies advertising lies to sell their products

My father said this after watching Condom Advertisement.

Jesus walks into a bar.

He sees a Russian man with a glass of water.
Jesus asks "My son, are you a believer?"
The Russian replies "No."
With a wave of his hands, Jesus changes it to a glass of wine.
"Well my son, do you believe now?"
The Russian frowns and shakes his head.

The next day, Jesus comes in...

Why do the avengers never lie?

If they did, someone would call Cap.

I like to touch every inch of your skin, I like to lie in your arms, I must be with you every moment.

You are the most comfortable sofa I have ever seen in my life.

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A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she disco...

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The five minute management course

THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson #1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before ...

Trophy Girlfriend

Bill, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde on his arm. She's hanging on his every word. His buddies at the club are aghast.

They corner him and ask, "Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bill replies...

There are 3 types of lies

1. A lie

2. A damn lie

3. Statistics


Got told this by statistics professor yrs ago. Also bonus: 87.9% of statistics are made up.

In the future, Donald Trump passes away from a heart attack.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

Hunting Fun

Two guys go hunting one day and they come across a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence. The first guy says to his buddy, "Man I'm not gonna lie. It's been a while. This sheep is looking pretty good."

Second guy says, "sure dude. Go for it. I won't tell anyone."

So the 1st guy pulls...

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The Lie Detector Joke

One day, a couple buys a lie detector machine which slaps you when you lie.

The woman looks at the machine and says to her husband "Honey, have you ever cheated on me?"

The man says "Never!" and instantly gets bitch-slapped.

"HOW COULD YOU?!?" the woman replies in horror and sur...

My friend Glados said there is cake on my cake day

But all I see is praise and up votes. I'm starting to think the cake is a lie.



Boy it's hot in here too.

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

A guest flirts with the waitress in the pub. He has a very nice dog with him.

At some point he takes the waitress aside and whispers in her ear:
"This is a really great dog. He can even make women happy!"

The waitress is interested, and they meet in the back room after closing time. She undresses and lies down expectantly on the sofa.

He calls the dog:
"Ha...

What did the vector say when it lied?

I cap

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Monkey Who Does Great Sex

A young sexy woman passing by a pet shop saw a board -

"Monkey who does great sex".

She went in, bought that monkey & walked away with the Instruction Manual.

The Manual said *'Give a good bath to the monkey, then you take a bath. Make him sit on the bed and you lie down w...

The Bell Ringer

A bishop advertises a job to ring the bell in his tower. The only job applicant is a hunchback with no arms. Bishop: "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower, where the bell is." .. So they climb all those stairs to the ...

I love doggy style

I sit up and beg while my girlfriend lies down and plays dead.

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Putin`s chauffeur

Vladimir Putin is in his limo, being driven through the Russian countryside. All of a sudden, there is a big bang and a big bump. Putin yells at his chauffeur, "What the hell was that?!"
The chauffeur replies, "I ran over a big pig that was lying in the middle of the road. I\`m pretty sure I...

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Lie About Past Accomplishments.

It’s true...

An old farmer calls into the town sheriff to report an auto accident he happened upon out on a county road near his farm.

By the time the sheriff makes it out to the farmer's property he sees the car in the ditch, but no one else but the farmer climbing down off his backhoe.

"What happened to the occupant or occupants of the car."

"Oh them? I buried 'em. All 4 of them."

"Doesn't look like much dama...

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John visited his 90-year old grandpa who lived way out in the country.

On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal.”

For lu...

A priest and a police officer walk into a bar.

A priest and a police officer walk into a bar. They each spend some time drinking, before both leaving.

The priest goes to his car, and the officer sees he is having difficulty to walk.

As he goes to enter, the officer stops him. He says "are you in a fit state to drive, reverend?"
...

There's 「lie」 in 「believe」

There's 「try」 in 「chemistry」

There's 「anal」 in 「analysis 」

But there's no 「Trump」 in 「oval office」

A 75 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!

Friend: "How did you convince her to marry you?"

Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"

Friend: "You said 58?"

Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90"

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Flash was running and saw Wonder Woman lying naked in the beach (NSFW)

He thought this would be the best chance,he could go in, do his business and leave even before anyone notices. So he goes in, finishes his business and runs away!

Sensiting this commotion, Wonder Woman asks "What the fuck just happened? " and Invisible Man replies "I don't know, but my asshol...

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3 men appear at the heavens gate. Next to them an angel appears and starts asking them how they got there

The first one starts telling: “I came home early from a day of work. When I suddenly hear my wife scream upstairs. I rush upstairs and see her laying in bed very frightened.I was going to confront her later but first I needed to catch the bastard. I also see the window open and rush to it only to se...

Kylie can see straight through Caitlyn's lies

You know. Transparent

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."

The Englishman suddenly gra...

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