A blonde joke a friend told me sometime ago (I'm sorry if this offends you)

Three women named Katie, Rachel and Karen, our blonde protagonist, attempted to rob the local bank.

Katie explained the plan to both of them. They went through it once again and then left for the bank.

While Karen went inside the bank, Rachel waited in the driver's seat and Katie was l...

Did you hear Karen’s dead?

America heard she had essential oils

Why were Karen and her two year old son crying?

They were both having a midlife crisis.

If a group of lions is called a pride, what do you call a group of "Karens"?

A complaint.

*Karen* : Wanna hear a joke

*Dave* : Yeah sure, why not ?!

*Karen* : The kid.

*Dave* : I don't get it.

*Karen* : Exactly.

Karen walks into a heavy metal bar...

"Ow" Karen exclaimed,"that hurt"

My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state: crippling depression. I said, "I'm so sorry"

"...but you can't count Missouri twice."

Karens are just female kyles

Also car guys are just male horse girls

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The average penis has......

been in and around my ex-girlfriend’s mouth.

Fuck you, Karen!

Four Karen’s are at a table having lunch.

The waiter comes to the table...

Says ‘is anything alright here’?

Me: I have trained this goat to talk.

Karen: This would be fun to see.

Me[to goat]: Who do i love the most?

Goat: Mee

Me[to goat]: Who's my pet?

Goat: Mee

Karen: Ah, its boring

Me: Wait it gets better

Goat: It gets way better, Karen!

When Thanos snaps...

Avengers: Oh no, he did it he managed to get rid of half the universe we did not stop him there is no hope. We are in Endgame now.

Karen: ThE VaCCinEs TurNEd My KIdS tO DuSt !!!!!

What do Hillary, Stormy and Karen all have in common?

Each of them started to dislike Trump after he stopped making personal deposits.

How many Karens does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, but the manager has to be called first

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I like my women like I like my coffee

Without another man's dick in it.

Fuck you, Karen.

Why did Karen cross the road?

Because she was running away with his kids

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A teacher goes into the principals office and tells her that a student of his, Karen, wasn't doing any assignments and sat idle throughout the class.

The principal calls Karen into his office and before he has a chance to speak she says,"Why am i in trouble? I did nothing!"

As the doctor went through Karen's notes he said

"The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your libido."

Karen inquired, "How come?"

Doc said, "Well ... your husband is very ugly."

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"I think my new boss is gay" Dave said to his wife Karen

"What makes you think that? Karen asked

"Well every time I kiss him on the lips he grabs my cock"

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A man burst through the front door of his house angry af.

He shouted at his wife "I've just come from the pub. The mailman was there bragging that he'd had sex with every woman on our street except for one. What do you have to say to that?"

She replied "I bet it's Karen from number 37. I always thought she was a frigid bitch"

Karen's patient husband was right by her side when she had a headache.

She told him that if anything could cure her headache, it would be him just being there for her and listening. So he sat by her side and listened as she spoke about every other time she had had a headache, and about her other medical concerns, and about neighborhood gossip. He brought her a cup of t...

Little Timmy saw his dad drive by...

It's a sunny day, and little Timmy was outside playing by himself, when he saw his dad drive by with Aunt Karen in the passenger seat. They drive off into the woods nearby, and little Timmy runs after them to see what's going on. Upon learning what it is dad and Aunt Karen is doing out in the woods ...

My GF karen is cheating on me, she said she was with her friend Mary.

I knew she was lying, because Mary was lying next to me.

Karen: You'll never guess what I got you for your birthday.

Dave: A 3-way with your sister?

Karen: \*storms out

Dave: omg did I ruin the surprise?

What did the man, who had always dreamed of having a threesome, say when he found out that his wife, named Sharon, had a twin sister named Karen?

"Well, Sharon is Karen"

The sad tale of George and Karen.

George and Karen were highschool sweet hearts, and got married at 19. They were the perfect couple. Except for one thing.

For ten years, George and Karen gave it their all to have a baby. They calculated her cycles, ate right, and went to doctors. But, in the end Geroge just didn't produce en...

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Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat...

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this f...

Aunt Karen

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to m...

What does Elecric Guitar And A Wife Have In Common?

You Pull One String They Make A Loud Sound

That Will Make You Lose Custody Of The Kids

Plz Karen

Me: It smells like updog in here.

Girl: What’s updog?
Me: Well I’ve been having a hard time with depression Karen...

"If there are 5 birds sitting on a tree branch...

And a hunter shoots 2, how many will there be left?" Is what teacher Karen asks Johnny.

Johnny: 0, because all birds will fly away when they hear gunshots!

Karen: Well no, actually it's 3 but I do like your reasoning.

Johnny: Okay, so now I've got a question for you. There are 3...

Interview (NSFW...kinda....)

Sitting at a promising job interview panel, the moderator asked, "what is perhaps your greatest weakness?" To which I responded, "some people say that I'm brutally honest." She said, "some may consider that a strength." I say, "WELL I DON"T GIVE A SH\*T WHAT YOU THINK, KAREN!

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A maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise

A maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.  

The wife asked, "Now, Karen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"  

Karen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Karen: "Your husband." 
W...

The wife told me she couldn't take my pretending to be a private eye shtick any more. She want's to split up.

Good idea Karen, we'll cover more ground.

What's in a name

I found out the other day that my friend Karen had a name change when she was younger, it blew my mind and I couldn't help but share that tidbit with everyone I knew.

She pulled me aside today and asked me to stop sharing her secret with everyone.

Honestly I just can't help it, Sharon ...

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Cyclops: how do you spell Hawaii?

Karen: you need two i’s

Cyclops: ...my life is just a big fucking joke to you, isn’t it Karen?

Why did my wife not take the kids?

Because she is not Karen (caring) enough.

Two witches were arguing about who was the better witch

One rainy day inside the coven HQ, Meredith and Wendy were arguing about who was the better witch.

"I'm the superior spellcaster", boasted Meredith. She raised her wand into the air, and conjured up a small cloud. It snowed over Wendy's head, dropping hailstones the size of marbles.

"...

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My wife recently asked me: "Hypothetically speaking, if you could have sex with any person in the world, whether real or fictional, who would you choose?"

Apparently, 'Karen' was not the right answer.

I have been diagnosed with DID or Multiple Personality Disorder.

Apparently there are multiple personalities inside of me fighting their way out.

I would take them all over my ex-wife's one!

Edit: Don't believe this guy! He sucks at telling jokes.

Edit: Shut up Jeff!

Edit: No, you shut up Karen!

Edit: you guys are impossible to ...

A man and his brother met up for drinks

After a long night of drinking and laughing, the two men head home. On the way, they both delve into their love life, and the first man mentions the new girl he's been seeing.
"Yeah dude, we met at work and went out for dinner. She's gorgeous!"
His brother turns to him and asks,
"Nice! What...

A blind guy walks in a diner...

He sits down at a table and the owner comes up to him.
"Hello sir, goodevening would you like to see a menu or do you know what you want?"
To which the man replies," I'm sorry I'm blind but I'll tell you what, bring me a dirty fork from for recommended plate."
Confused, but interested th...

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"The only ones who truly know where the edge is have already gone over."

"What the fuck have you done this is a nursing home for the blind goddammit Karen!!"







\*Pardon my french ladies.

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A robber breaks into a bank

He points his gun at the lady at the desk and says “open the vault bitch”
The woman says “sir this is a sperm a bank, there’s no money here”
The robber says “ Open the fucking vault or I’ll blow your head off now”
The woman opens the vault and turns back to the robber, who tells her to take...

My parents love to bring up the time that I peed on the doctor

Which really sucks for me because it happened the same day that Karen took the kids.

i phone

Son: I want an iPhone X for Christmas


Dad: What's the magic word?


Son: Karen


Dad: Who's Karen.


Son: The woman that comes over when I'm asleep and mum is out...


Dad: ...


Son: ...


Dad: You want a case with that ...

A good condom slogan...

Karen can't take the kids if you don't have any!

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Don't know what to say.... XD

[During sex]

*Knock on the door*

Woman: Shit! It's my boyfriend

Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?

Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!

Man: Okay, smart. Let me just...wait...

Woman: What?

Man: Karen, I'm your husband...

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They said you can tell a lot about a man by the way he treats his mother but the second you have sex with her

best friend Karen, you're suddenly a bad guy.

*kissing on small couch*

Her: We should have a threes-

Me: I'll call Karen

Her: ...three-seater. Karen?

Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

Policeman: "I'm very sorry, sir,..."

Policeman: I'm very sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a bus.

Man: I’m aware of that, but Karen has a wonderful personality.

Dave : How’s the diet going?

Dave : How's the diet going?

Karen : Well, today's my cheat day

Dave : What does that mean?

Guy in bed : Don't worry about it

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Freudian slips

Jeff and Bob were talking about Freudian slips

Jeff: Man I was trying to order two tickets to Pittsburgh from this big breasted woman and accidentally said "Two pickets to Tittsburgh!" I was mortified.

Bob: Oh, that's nothing. I tried to ask my wife Karen to pass the salt at dinner th...

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

"Grow up Karen"

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Priest

A bunch of highschool students was about to get blessings from their local priest.

The priest asked the first girl "have you ever touched a penis?" The girl answered that she had indeed touched one with her index finger, the priest asked the girl to wash her finger in the holy water after whi...

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A barista was admiring his colleague's ass at Starbucks...

Barista: "Damn Karen your ass is large."

Colleague: "Stop it Brian, we're at work."

Barista: "Oh sorry, I mean that ass is Venti."

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A bus full of catholic school girls gets in a horrible accident.

Sadly all on the bus perished and are waiting in line at the pearly gates. St Peter approaches the first girl in line.

"Mary Margaret, I have one question for you, and it is of the utmost importance that you answer truthfully. Have you ever touched a penis?"

Mary blushed a little bit...

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Drinking with Coworkers

John stumbles into the office Friday morning after a night of heavy drinking with his coworkers. Everyone in his department looks worse for the wear, but he is the most visibly affected. After an hour or so of unproductive work, they meet up at the water cooler to discuss the antics of the night b...

An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident

where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.







"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.





...

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A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. He asks the first nun, ''Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?'' The nun giggles and slyly replies, ''Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'' St. Peter says, ''OK, dip the tip of your...

Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, and Bill Cosby walk into a bar.

Karen Straughan turns to Anita Sarkeesian and says, "I got fifty bucks says the black one goes to jail first."

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Every Friday, Ms. Jane ends class a little early...

and plays a game with the kids. She will read off famous quotes, and if one of the students in her 5th grade class can correctly name who said it, they get to leave school a little early. Today the quotes would come from US Presidents. She saw Tommy, who always won this game, sitting in the back, at...

I hate when people talk about their kids age in weeks and months.

"Jessica said her first word at 36 weeks!"

You mean 9 months.

"Ken is 24 months!"

Deborah, he's 2.

"My baby is -26 weeks old!"

No, Karen, you miscarried.

Rock and Roll Joke

Kurt Cobain dies and when he opens his eyes, he's in a big practice hall. Looking around he sees Cliff Burton tuning up, Jimi Hendrix and John Lennon warming up on microphones and adjusting their guitar straps to fit, and Jerry Garcia messing with his pedal steel guitar.
Kurt ambles over to Jerry...

Why did the lady with multiple personality disorder share her food with a friend?

Because Sharon is Karen.

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