UPJOKE
comerunremainconsistrestappeartakestagnatecostcompriserepresentembodyexistlooksuffer

Am Jokes

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Am I wrong?

I discovered a month -old text on my wife's phone.
It said, "Babe, I've sent you $300. Give your husband $100 and keep the rest for your sexy self."
I texted him back: "Hi, this is her husband. I never got my money. Please talk to her."

I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.

Always walkin around like they rent the place.

I am so broke…

That people break into my house and leave me food.

I have this recurring nightmare where not only am I forced to become Vegan

I'm then stranded alone on a desert island and there's nobody to tell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am Pierre

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am doing a bra giveaway.

Send me pics of your boobs and I'll see if I have something that fits you.

Son: "Dad, Am I adopted"?

Dad: "Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you."

I am selling my username.

It’s just under a buck.

My wife left me because I am insecure

No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee

Wife: Am I the only one you've ever slept with?

Husband: Yes. The others were sixes and sevens.

Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children.

Edit: 3 children

Edit: 2

Edit: 1

Why I am the way I am

My children asked me once why I am the way I am. So I told them.

One day, shortly after my first child was born, I came across an old lamp in a bundle of baby clothes. I wiped the lamp off, and a genie appeared and offered me three wishes. "But," the genie added, "your wishes will come with a...

My father is Cuban and my mother is from Iceland. So i am......

.....


an Ice Cube

Cred: Russell Peters

I am giving up drinking for a month

Sorry that came out wrong

I am giving up. Drinking for a month

A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk...

His wife was up waiting for him...

"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled

He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

My neighboor rang my doorbell at 5 am..

Luckily I was already up, playing drums.

"No thanks. I am a vegetarian."

is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.

I am a proud anti-vaccine Father of 3.

Edit- Two Now

2nd Edit- One Now

3rd Edit- Nevermind

4th Edit- WOW this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP

My wife left me because I am too insecure.

Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have to tell my girlfriend I am not into her fetishes.

But first, I gotta get some shit off my chest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual.

They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby ...

I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman.

I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.

Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

I will be in my Lab if you need me.

I am 51 and my girlfriend is 8

Months pregnant and I'm starting to panic a little. Do you think I am too old to be a dad?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How old am I? I need to feel your breast..

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ ...

How old do you think I am?

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you
don't mind me asking, but how old do you thin...

Looked down and saw $80 on the sidewalk. Being the good Christian that I am, I thought, what would Jesus do?

So I went to the liquor store and turned it into wine

"Siri, why am I so bad at relationships with women?"

"This is Alexa."

I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography.

On their wedding night, the groom asks his new bride, "Honey, am I your first?"

She replied, "Why does everyone ask me that??"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Doc, I ate one of those ‘Do not Eat’ silica packets. Am I going to die??”

Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.

Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!

I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.

My daughter asked if I am going to die someday...

I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

”Hello. My name is Paul, and I am a sex addict.“

Group leader: ”Hello Paul. Nice to meet you. But I have to tell you that the sex addicts meet three rooms further down the hall. This is the group for single moms.“

Paul: ”I know.“

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.


edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

My dad always told me that I am special, that I am the 1%...

Later in my life, I learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.

I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?

McDonald’s ice cream machine

I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am....

Independent

My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"

My mom answered "Who?"

"Your daughter"

courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

I am convinced that all junk drawers are connected.

For every person saying "What's this?", there's someone saying "I'm sure it was in here..."

I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl . . .

. . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?

A drunk mathematician wanders into his house at 3 am

His wife yells, “You’re late! You said you’d be home by 11:45!”

The mathematician answers, “Actually, I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12”

Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy got

Kid: "mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?"

Mother: "because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Holy shit this blew up

Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"

The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."

Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"

The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"

Jesus can walk on water, babies are 72% water, I can walk on babies therefore I am 72% Jesus

I’m also 100% in jail

A stomach said to the brain, “I am more clever than you are.” “How so?,” brain inquired.

I can tell when I am empty, you can’t.

Arabic Joke

I asked my Wife “Am I the only one you’ve been with?”

“Yes... but I’ve had some sevens and eights.” She replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am no longer a 28 year old virgin!

I am a 29 year old virgin.

Late one night at the insane asylum one patient shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

A person in another room said, "How do you know?" The first patient said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted,

"I did not!"

My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24

What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.

I asked my phone "Siri, why am I so bad with women?"

She said "I'm Alexa you moron."

I'm Black. So I can't be racist. But these suckers keep telling me that I am.

"Jake, you can't call yourself Black just because you went to jail once. That is racist"

My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 am...

3 am can you believe this?
Lucky him that I was awake playing drums.

I am not superstitious.

I heard it's bad to believe in superstitions.

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."

Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I...

I am reading a horror story in Braille

Someone is gonna die, I can feel it.

WHY I AM SO TIRED

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies.
Now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work...

I am disgusted by the youth of today....

Let me start by saying my girlfriend is 20 years younger than me. I am 39 and my girlfriend is 19, the amount of abuse I got from a group of teenagers inside the restaurant was nothing short of vile.....comments like “PEADO” “NONCE” “KIDDY FIDDLER”

It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who Am I?

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had on...

Soviet joke: A worker standing in a liquor line says: “I have had enough, save my place, I am going to shoot Gorbachev.”

Two hours later he returns to claim his place in line.

His friends ask, “Did you get him?”

“No, the line there was even longer than the line here.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there I am, alone with my girlfriend. She leans closer and whispers in my ear. . .

"Tell me something you've never told anyone at all."

After a pause, I whisper back "I think the Owl People are already among us."

"Who?"

"Holy shit!"

Fellow redditors, I am pleased to announce that I am clean and sober.

So I’m going to finish this shower and head to the liquor store

Today I am celebrating 100 days without alcohol!

Not consecutively, though.

Today I was told I am developing schizophrenia

I guess I'll finally have a social life

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

I am sad. My friend said Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in a hole in the ground underwater...

I knew he meant well.

I am from the future I can predict the score of the super bowl LVII before it starts...

0-0

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am not sure how I feel about having toast for breakfast.

On the upside, it’s buttered.

On the downside, it isn’t.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sewing instructor tells me that I am the worst student she has ever seen.

Shit....wrong thread.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I am a compulsive gambler

Ever since, all I can think about is how to win her back

My family insists i am addicted to drinking brake fluid.

But i can stop any time i want.

I just took an IQ test and I am SO happy...

Thank God it came back negative!

At the office, I am known as "The Computer".

Not because I am smart. But if you leave me unattended for 30 minutes, I go to sleep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won't open.

Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.

‟GIVE IT TO ME” she yelled ‟Oh my God I am so wet!!”

She could scream all she wants I was keeping the umbrella

I am friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don't know y

With the help of my wife I am officially a millionaire.

Before I met her I was a billionaire.

I am suicide bomber AMA

Wow this blew up fast.

I have 3 eyes, 6 heads and 15 limbs, what am I?

A liar.

My girlfriend said, “I am breaking up with you because of your addiction of wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait! I can change.”

I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!

A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him.

Robin Hood: **"HALT!"**

**"*****I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!"***

Peasant: *"I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see"*...

(NSFW) A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

When I am tasked with sorting through a stack of résumés, I throw about half of them in the garbage.

I do not want unlucky people working in our company

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

If I am ever on life support, unplug me ...

... then plug me back in. See if that works.

why am I always hiding at work?

because a good worker is hard to find!

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN! I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now *THIS*?!

Apparently people think that I am condescending

(that means I look down on people)

I am an obese man identifying as a skinny man...

I am trans-fat.

A man woke up at 5:55 AM.

He opened the front door to get his morning paper and found a nickel next to it.

He opened the paper to the sports section, and noticed that the fifth horse in the fifth race was named Nickel.

He went to the track and put $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race…

...and watched...

I am trying to overcome procrastination...

That's the setup. I'll do the punchline tomorrow.

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying, "It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my mothers."

I opened the fridge. The light came on, the beer was cold.

What the hell is she talking about?

At a mental hospital, one patient keeps yelling "I am a messenger of God! I am a messenger of God!"

"I didn't send anybody" says someone in the adjacent room.

Kid1: Hey Dad why am I called lily?

Dad: Because a lily petal fell on your head when you were a baby.

Kid2: Hey Dad why am I called rose?

Dad: Because a rose petal fell on your head when you were a baby.

Kid3: herdurrrrahduhrgh#%*?

Dad: Shut up Cinderblock

I am really scared of encountering cougars when I go on a run

If I ever saw one , I'd Puma Pants .

Stormtrooper: Am I aiming my gun correctly?

Yoda: Off course you are.

A woman wakes her husband up at 2 AM, saying

"Quick, who's scored the highest number of goals in football, ever?"

"Klose", replied the groggy husband.

"And how many episodes of Breaking Bad are there in total?"

"Huh? Wait, let me...55, no, 62, there's 62 total episodes" he replied.

"Who was that girl in that 'Saved ...

I am married to a Korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name

We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name 모 (pronounced 'mo').

I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.

So when I go around and introduce my child I could say

"This is our child 모 Lester"

I am thinking about pursuing a job as a crowd estimator

I wonder how many people are in that field

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my wife agree that I am having some erectile disfunction issues.

Our approaches, however, are different. She bought me a pack of Viagra. I bought her a gym membership.

“I am Buzz Aldrin, the second man to step on the moon.”

“Neil before me.”

My wife left me because I am "ignorant" and "apathetic".

I don't know what that means, but I don't care.

"I am sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing

Except at a funeral

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'w...

Driver : "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?"

Officer : "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know who i am?

Boy: Our principal is so stupid.

Girl: Do you know who I am?

Boy: No

Girl: I'm the principal's daughter.

Boy: Do you know who I am?

Girl: No

Boy: Good (*walks away)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I woke up at 3.00 am to see the ghostly spectre of Gloria Gaynor, standing at the foot of my bed

At first I was afraid...

Me: Doc, I am suddenly afraid of random letters

Doc: You Are?

Me: *screams*

Doc: Oh I See...

Me: *screaming intesifies*

A young woman is at her doctor's appointment when the doctor says, "Ma'am, I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant."

The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be..." She pauses for a
moment. "...Kid-in-me."

After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies
"Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

The woman says "It was totally birth it."

"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.

"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.

Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I...

My next door neighbor banged on my door at 3:00 am last night.

Fortunately, I was wide awake, playing my bagpipes on the back porch at the time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What am I in for? Well, I used to be a zookeeper, you see...

One day, my boss calls me into her office, and she tells me she's trying to breed dolphins, and she wants my help. And I hear that, and I'm all in, great way to move up in my industry.

So she tells me she's trying to mate these two dolphins, but they're not feeling frisky. She tells me she ha...

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?

pear

I am developing a fear of German sausage...

I fear the wurst

I am going to travel to Prague.

Gotta Czech it out.

13: “I’m the number everybody hates”. 666: “No way, I am the number everybody hates”.

2020: “lol”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If u sit in the toilet to take a poop at 11:58pm and your still there till 12:03 am

Is it The same shit different day?

"Siri, why am I single?"

Siri: opens front face camera

I am so far on the spectrum...

...they call me visible light.

I am writing a book about the things I should be doing in life.

It’s an oughttobiography.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: I am leaving you

Husband : is it because I speak so quietly

Wife: you asshole you could at least say something

I am on a seafood diet…

But I am blind so I am starving as a consequence of this.

I recently found out my mom has a disturbing fetish. She has slept with several underage teenagers and I am really concerned about their well being.

The victims contacted me while playing CoD.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

I am so addicted to junk food...

...it's heartbreaking!

My cat passed away but I am not sad

She will live on forever in my online passwords.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone keeps telling me that I am the worst mailman they have ever seen.

Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.

When I am on my Unicycle I have lots of energy..

But on my bike I am two tired.

Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I’m pregnant?

Me: Leave that to me

*later at dinner*

Her dad: *coughs* I need water

Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!

I am so sorry reddit . . .

I AM HERE TO SAY GOODBYE, I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH! MY WIFE SAYS I AM IN THIS SUBREDDIT EVERY 20 SECONDS, AND SHE CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! WE ARGUED AND SHE TOLD ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HER OR THE SUBREDDIT. SO I AM GOING TO BE OFFLINE FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES WHILE I PACK HER BAGS, AND CALL HER A TAXI. ...

Mom, Am I adopted?

Son: Mom, Am I adopted?
Mom: Nuh, you think we would have chosen you?

First day as a pilot. Control tower: Can you give me your position? Me: I am next to a cloud that looks like a lion. Control tower: Can you be more specific?

Me: Simba

Tomorrow I am having a brain transplant

Change my mind

As I am getting older, I start to think about all the people I’ve lost along the way..

and I came to the realization that maybe my career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

I am on a strict diet of 1200 calories per day

Luckily, the doctor didn't say anything about the nights.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am not a "Grammar Nazi"...

I prefer the term "Alt-Write".

I am driving through England, and my next stop is Greenwich.

Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.

"Ma'am, we brought your husband in. He was at the bar door so drunk that every time we tried to get him up, he fell over!"

The woman: "Are you kidding me? Where's his wheelchair?"

COP: I am writing you a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane

ME: you’re gonna feel really stupid when you look in my trunk

I am sure this has been posted before...

In a bar, an attractive woman calls the bartender over and asks to speak to the manager.

He explains that the manager is not in this evening but he will be happy to help her.

The woman leans across the bar and pulls the bartender in close, running her fingers through his hair.

"...

I am a social vegan

I avoid meet.

Ba dum tiss

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Hey Siri, why am I so terrible at talking to women?"

"My name is Alexa you two timing piece of shit."

My girlfriend wanted to talk to me about ‘how childish I am’

But she didn’t know the password to my pillow fort so she couldn’t get in.

I am very racist...

...horse races are far superior to all other races

the cannibal said in his trial - “If I am what I eat..."

"Then I'm an innocent man"

I Am Coming

Johnny walked into class with a black eye.

Teacher: What's wrong?

Johnny: My house is very small. Me, my mum and my dad sleep on the same bed.Every night, my dad asks, "Johnny are you sleeping?" Then I say No and he slaps my face and gives me a black eye.

Teacher: Tonight when y...

I am dreading the time when Mr. Musk's scandal come out.

I just know Elon-gate will keep stretching on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my doctor told me I am very sick

He won't take porn recommendations from me ever again

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at the bar in the International Airport when a small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts, like Kung-Fu, or Karate?" He says "No, why in the hell would you ask? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."

Doc : Sir, I am afraid that your DNA is backwards

Me : and?

My doctor told me I am begining to lose my hearing.

It was very hard to hear that.

I am the Smartest President Ever

So an airplane is going to crash. There were 4 passengers on board - but only 3 parachutes!

The 1st passenger said, 'I’m Jeff Bezos! Amazon needs me to deliver useless stuff to the world! I can’t die! .' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said,...

I am always exaggerating…

I exaggerate 10,000 times a day!

Girl, I am no weatherman

But tonight you can expect up to three inches

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.