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Amazon Jokes

I ordered a deck of cards from Amazon and two weeks later it hasn't arrived.

Customer service told me they're dealing with it.

Just a warning if you're buying a watch on Amazon.

I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

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A woman ordered a dildo on Amazon and it finally arrived and she couldn't wait to use it.....

It was called The Magic Dildo. The instructions said that all you have to do is say "Magic dildo my vagina" and then it will do its thing.

So she eagerly said "Magic dildo my vagina" and sure enough the dildo floated in the air and flew up her skirt and started giving her pleasure.

I...

What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?

Amazon kindle.

I started a new job as an Amazon delivery driver today. When I got to my first address there was a note saying ‘Dear delivery man, we’re out, please hide in garbage’

That was eight hours ago and still no one has found me

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...

Who runs Mexican Amazon?

Jeff Pesos

It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it h...

Did you hear that Mike Tyson just got a job at Amazon?

He just really wanted to be a professional boxer again.

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A famous explorer visits a tribe of all-male natives in the Amazon and asks “how do you guys sexually satisfy yourself?”

The chief replies: “Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have s...

My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday

So the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were ok.

I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

Those are only available on Amazon Prime.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon today

I'll let you know.

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

I bought a boomerang on Amazon...

...but only because of their 100% return policy.

I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it arrived I found all of the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

I had to report my stolen amazon package

The police are still looking for a prime suspect

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A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he’s ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he’s surrounded by bloodthirsty savages. And he thinks, “Man, I am totally fucked.”

“No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, “You’re not fucked.”

The voice continues, “Listen to me very carefully. G...

Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon.

After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.

Amazon has come up with a new service where they deliver custom made suits within 48 hours.

It’s called Tailor Swift.

Amazon needs a new app

An audio book app with sign language. We’ll call it *inAudible*.

Went to buy a lighter on Amazon,

when I searched, it said, "4.2 million matches found!" Guess I'll have to go to the store.

an Amazon native can predict the weather

Engineers were preparing to build a highway in the middle of the Amazon forest when a native rocked up and told them to seek shelter because there would be heavy rain in 2 hours. The engineers looked up at the clear sky, didn't heed the man's prediction and continued with their work. In exactly 2 ho...

I tried to look up lighters in Amazon.

All they had was 13,749 matches.

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Three explorers are trekking through the Amazon....

One explorer is from England.

One is from France.

One is from New York.

As they're pushing through the jungle a local tribe ambushes and captures them. The tribe takes them back to their village to await trial by the Chief.

The Chief presents himself to the explorers:
...

An Amazon driver stopped amd asked me what time it was the other day

I told him it was between 4 and 7

I just ordered 200 bottles of tipex from Amazon!

BIG mistake.

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I was looking for a knickknack for my desk and found a great Amazon deal on sexy prisms.

And don’t worry about your office decor because they come in many colors.

Amazon is a lot like Santa Clause

It brings gifts to our homes, gets busy around christmas and is very eager for our cookies.

What’s the difference between Kevin McCarthy and Amazon Alexa?

One’s a speaker that runs the house and the other is a congressman…

Why do Amazon Prime drivers make terrible comedians?

Because their delivery takes two days.

An explorer in the deepest Amazon

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by what appears to be a bloodthirsty group of cannibals.
Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No, you are not screw...

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How Amazon's acquisition of Whole Foods really went down:

Bezos: Alexa, buy me olives from Whole Foods.

Alexa: Sure, buying all of Whole Foods.

Bezos: Crap.

I ordered a vault and a speaker from Amazon..

They arrived safe and sound

Jeff Bezos stepped down as CEO of Amazon.

Quit when he was in his Prime.

Netflix and Amazon Prime are no longer available in Afghanistan.

Because of the telly ban.

I ordered a couple Elton John albums off of Amazon three months ago. They still haven't shipped.

And I think it's going to be a long, long time

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in a plane that crashes in the Amazon...

They are swiftly captured by a tribe of cannibals. The leader of their tribe tells them that outsiders from the sky are to be sacrificed for the good of the people. They will be cooked alive, the village will feast on their flesh, they will make weapons from their bones, and use their skin for canoe...

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I found out a package thief is in my apartment complex so I ordered a butt-plug off Amazon

That way if it gets stolen, then the thief can go fuck themself

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A Japanese man, a French man, and an American are traveling the amazon...

When out of nowhere, they're ambushed by a pack of head hunters and each one of them is knocked out. When they all come to, they are tied to wooden poles, a native man, the chief, standing before them. He says, "Now before we kill you, I want to let you all know, not a single part of your body will ...

I saw a book on Amazon, “How to reduce your life’s problems by 50%.”

Naturally I ordered two copies.

What did the Amazon driver say to his wife when she went into labor?

Sorry babe, I'm out for delivery.

Amazon doesn't actually drug test their workers.

They just want to make sure everyone can pee into a cup.

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A plane is flying over the Amazon when it crashes...

...three men survive the plane crash (German, French, American).

They crash near a village and get captured by the tribe. The villagers tell the three men that: "We aren't cannibals, and we're normally peaceful and wouldn't kill you, but our canoes are riddled with holes, and we need your sk...

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Three men are on a river expedition in the Amazon

Three men are on a river expedition in the Amazon. One from England, one from France, and one from New York. A few days into the trip they encounter some rapids and wreck their boat. They wash up on shore and are immediately captured by a local tribe. The leader of the tribe steps forward and says ...

A hooker starts a job at an Amazon warehouse, and her bosses give her bonus starting pay.

She had previous package handling experience.

Why did all the pregnant couples of USA rush to Amazon?

Because they were doing free deliveries.

My friend let's everyone use his Amazon account for free shipping

We call him the Prime Minister

When you suddenly get the feeling all of your Amazon wishlist items are in stock

You transform into Optimist Prime.

Orion ordered a belt off Amazon.

It wasn't to his liking, so he decided to leave a review. It read, "This belt looks wonderful, but it doesn't fit well and can't be adjusted easily. I give it 3 stars."

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An Airplane flying over the Amazon Rainforest crashes in a remote part:

Soon, the local tribals reach the crash site and upon seeing the 3 survivors, take them to their King in captivity.

When presented in front of the king, he says "People of the sky! If you want to live you have to do as I say. Each of you have to go out in the jungle and forrage for fruits and...

How is the Amazon’s Alexa like my ex-wife?

She listens to everything and comes across as a know it all

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An explorer goes on an excursion into the Amazon rainforest...

(long but I don't believe I have seen this yet)

A rich explorer goes on an excursion into the Amazon rainforest. He has heard of all the wondrous wildlife there is to see, so he sets off with a guide and travels deep into forest. The deeper he goes, the more magical and strange the creatures...

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A young adventurer guy is trekking through the deepest, darkest amazon jungle

When out of nowhere, he suddenly finds himself surrounded by 30 of the most fierce-looking tribesmen, all with long spears, bows and arrows, as what looks like the chief walks right up to him.

The guy looks at his situation...and he cries out, "Oh god I'm so fucked!"


Just then, the...

When an Amazon employee is on maternity leave...

Are they out for delivery?

What do you call the leader of Amazon Cooking?

Chef Bezos.

I'm an amazon driver who got in a fight today

Sent that man to god, same day shipping

Amazon say drones will be making deliveries in ‘months’

So much for next day delivery

Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, has become the first person ever to have a net worth over $200 billion.

That‘s a really expensive net!

Am Englishman, an American, and a German are on an expedition in the Amazon

Am Englishman, an American, and a German are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. Where do you come from?"

The Englishman answers: "I'm from England". The chief decides: "Great! We make kid...

The chief editor of the New York Times is traveling in the Amazon jungle

He travels deep into the jungle hoping to write a story about a tribe of cannibals.

After a couple of weeks he finally locates the tribe and starts spying on them from behind some trees.

He feels a tap on the shoulder and he quickly gets captured and finds himself tied up and looks dow...

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I wanted to tell a joke about amazon prime

But I'd probably just fuck up the delivery

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I started selling Bagpipes made from colostomy bags on Amazon

Needless to say, they sound like shit.

Jeff Bezos is no longer the President of Amazon.

But he's still the Prime Minister.

What’s the number one item shipped by amazon?

Cardboard boxes

So there's an Amazon River now? What's next? Lake Facebook? Mount Paypal?

How did Amazon manage to name a whole river in South America after them? Did they pay the governments of all the countries it flows through, for the naming rights?

What was the river's name before Amazon bought the naming rights to the river?

And how long will it be before there are ot...

A joke about Amazon store

Arriving in 3 to 5 business days.

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An American, a Russian and a Brit are travelling in the Amazon…

….when they are suddenly captured by a group of cannibals.
The chief of the tribe walks upto the three men and asks: “Death, or Ungabunga?”
The American asks: “What’s Ungabunga?”
The chief repeats: “Death, or Ungabunga?”
So the American says: “I have a family and have to get back to them...

An amputee found a cheap artificial arm for sale on Amazon...

It was secondhand.

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house...

I told her, "Fear of the CIA".

She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo

If you think Amazon is going to deliver what you ordered...

...you've got another thing coming.

Three explorers, one Irish, another English, and an American, were walking in the Amazon. Soon they came across a tribe and the leader told them that if they wanted to pass through their territory that they had to pass the three caves test.

The leader of the tribe took them to the caves, where he said "Inside the first, there are three bottles of rum, each 100 years old and said to be toxic. You have to drink one each. In the second is a lion with a thorn in his foot. You must remove the thorn. In the third is a woman who has never bee...

So, If the Microsoft search engine were to be acquired by Amazon…

That’d be Amazing!

Not gonna lie, if Amazon and Bing Converged

It'd Be Amazing.

Three people in the Amazon forest get caught by a tribe...

They were being held by the tribesmen outside the village. The head tribesman who speaks English tells them, "You have trespassed into our territory. As we are a considerate folk, you have the option to choose either Jhingalala for a minute or Death. You can give me your choice when you are summoned...

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So I just ordered some pills from Amazon Prime to help sex go faster.

Came real quick.

The gorilla at the zoo likes to get deals at Amazon.

He's a Primeate

3 explorers went exploring in the Amazon where they got captured by cannibals

The chief of the cannibal tribe informed them that they were all going to be eaten, and their skin used for canoes, but he let them choose how they were to die.

“I’d like to be shot in the head. Quick and painless” the first explorer said. He was shot, skinned, and eaten.

“I’d like t...

If you login to Amazon

and other retailers websites for Thanksgiving sale, you may save up to 70%........


But if you don't login, you'll save 100%

Amazon is launching a new personal assistant for people suffering from depression.

They are calling it Alexa Pro.

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot...

This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.

Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft musi...

My buddy told me he got laid off from his job reviewing vendors on eBay, Amazon, etc...

...so I said "Sorry to hear that, man. Let's go grab some meth and we'll tweak out to forget about it."

"Nah," he said. "I don't really feel like it."

"Come on," I urged. "A little crystal will do you good."

"I don't know..." he mumbled.

"Dude, let's get cranked already...

Amazon just got approved for drone delivery

We now have skeet shooting with prizes.

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My sister got a fucking Cadillac on her birthday and all I got was an Amazon gift card.

It's fucking unfair, now I have to wait until my own birthday to get a good present.

You guys hear about Amazon?

I hear it's pretty lit!

I don't buy from Amazon because of the slavery it promotes

\- typed from a keyboard made in China

I'm taking a trip to the Amazon rainforest, but I was warned to look out for the head-shrinking indigenous tribes that still live there.

I'm not sure what the fuss is about. Who doesn't enjoy a little head?

A French, English, and American man go on a vacation together in the Amazon.

Will they’re on their trip, they’re hunted down and trapped by some scary natives. The men are scared and ask “Why are you doing this?”. The native chief responds, “ I plan on skinning you all and using your skin for cups!” The trapped men make a request to at least choose how they die. The chief li...

When shopping for a vacuum on amazon, never trust a 5 star review.

There is no such thing as a perfect vacuum.

A group of explorers, along with a dog, are exploring the Amazon when the dog gets separated from the group.

While the dog is looking for the group, a jaguar sees the dog.

"I've never seen an animal like that before!" says the jaguar. "He looks tasty!"

The jaguar runs towards the dog, but the dog thinks quickly. Just as the jaguar is about to nab the dog, the dog says, "That jaguar I had ear...

My memorial service for all the trees burnt down in the Amazon Rainforest didn't have any female attendees

It was full of guys mourning wood.

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I recently went on Amazon looking for a popcorn machine.

After a few minutes of searching I settled on an 800W electric stainless steel popcorn machine for £45. As I added it to my basket, I saw that they had an upgrade to Amazon Prime called Amazon Prime X. It claimed to deliver your order in 20 minutes or less. I assumed it was bullshit but I had a free...

I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus from Amazon that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River?

The Amazon River actually has sails.

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos is getting divorced from his wife

Apparently attempts to re-Kindle Fire into their relationship failed.

You know the razor blade works...

when there are no reviews for it on Amazon.

I asked my Republican friend if he though Amazon should pay taxes

He said "Of course, they're not a church"

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