Netflix and Amazon Prime are no longer available in Afghanistan.

Because of the telly ban.

What do you call an Amazon warehouse worker who likes hip hop?

A bubble wrapper

(My 15yo son came up with this while assembling his computer chair popping the bubble wrap to a beat)

Amazon Thesaurus

I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon, but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am

I saw a book on Amazon, “How to reduce your life’s problems by 50%.”

Naturally I ordered two copies.

The chief editor of the New York Times is traveling in the Amazon jungle

He travels deep into the jungle hoping to write a story about a tribe of cannibals.

After a couple of weeks he finally locates the tribe and starts spying on them from behind some trees.

He feels a tap on the shoulder and he quickly gets captured and finds himself tied up and looks dow...

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A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he is ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he is surrounded by bloodthirsty savages.And he thinks, ‟Man, I’m totally fucked.”

‟No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, ‟You’re not fucked.”

The voice continues, ‟Listen to me very carefully. ...

I started a new job as an Amazon delivery driver today. When I got to my first address there was a note saying ‘Dear delivery man, we’re out, please hide in garbage’

That was eight hours ago and still no one has found me

What’s the difference between Amazon and prison?

You can sit down in prison

Jeff Bezos' Advice

An Amazon employee greets Bezos shortly after his successful spaceflight and gives him a hearty congratulations. Jeff responds, "Well, if you work hard, set yourself goals and work with determination, I should be able to squeeze in 2 more flights before Christmas."

What do you call it when an Amazon driver swerves out of the way of a pedestrian in Houston?

Prime Texas steer

8:45 PM, Arrive at the crime scene

- 8:45 PM, Assess victim. Cause of death: strangulation, victim’s phone and wallet are missing
- 8:45 PM, Gather evidence. No visible fingerprints, rope used to strangle the victim was found in a nearby trashcan
- 8:45 PM, Question witnesses. One witness states the murderer was driving away...

Y'know Amazon sells Holy Air?

They call it Breff of Jezos

Did you know you can order eggs and chickens on Amazon?

I'll let you know which comes first.

Two guys are at a party and are waiting in line for a drink, telling jokes to pass the time...

Suddenly one of them receives an Amazon parcel.

"Well that was an unexpected punch line delivery!"

Why aren’t fatphobic jokes allowed at Amazon?

The boss is Obezzos

I bought a boomerang on Amazon...

...but only because of their 100% return policy.

Did you hear that Mike Tyson just got a job at Amazon?

He just really wanted to be a professional boxer again.

I’m unhappy with prime day

Amazon Prime day is on the 21st. I personally would not partake of Prime day unless it were on the 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 11th, 13th, 17th, 19th, 23rd, 29th, or 31st

Why Amazon bought Whole Foods

Jeff Bezos: Alexa buy olives from Whole Foods

Alexa: Buying all of Whole Foods

Jeff: No Olives... Meh I can afford it go ahead.

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Alexa, I am feeling that I want to have sex.

Alexa :
Most certainly... Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 C degrees.

The Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favorite Thai masseuse. She is just 12 minutes away as per her Uber ride status....

I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

Those are only available on Amazon Prime.

What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?

Amazon kindle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman ordered a dildo on Amazon and it finally arrived and she couldn't wait to use it.....

It was called The Magic Dildo. The instructions said that all you have to do is say "Magic dildo my vagina" and then it will do its thing.

So she eagerly said "Magic dildo my vagina" and sure enough the dildo floated in the air and flew up her skirt and started giving her pleasure.

I...

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Kinda long, but I couldn't get the flair to work.

An explorer gets lost in the Amazon rainforest. While searching for a way out, he stumbles upon a tribe of cannibals. They all want to eat the man, but the chief pities the man. He says to the explorer:

"Look. I know you're lost, so I'm gonna give you a chance to save your life." And with tha...

Jeff Bezos is no longer the President of Amazon.

But he's still the Prime Minister.

What do you call the leader of Amazon Cooking?

Chef Bezos.

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were Prime mates.

Why did the Amazon worker use a pen

To check all the boxes

"Denial isn't just a river in Brazil."

"That's the Amazon."

"No, I refuse to believe that."

What transformer is made out of cardboard and shows up in two days?

Amazon prime

Not gonna lie, if Amazon and Bing Converged

It'd Be Amazing.

Went to buy a lighter on Amazon,

when I searched, it said, "4.2 million matches found!" Guess I'll have to go to the store.

If you think Amazon is going to deliver what you ordered...

...you've got another thing coming.

The gorilla at the zoo likes to get deals at Amazon.

He's a Primeate

On the eve of Joe Biden's inauguration, prominent members of the previous Democrat administrations have a Zoom call to toast the end of the Trump presidency.

Among other topics, conversation turns to Amazon and Google's targeted marketing and the methods they employ. To lighten the mood, Bill Clinton suggests that he and his former vice-president have an impromptu jam session for everyone on saxophone and bongos respectively, something they secretly did ...

I ordered a couple Elton John albums off of Amazon three months ago. They still haven't shipped.

And I think it's going to be a long, long time

When did the beautiful woman realize she needed to stop buying so many products online?

When the mailman started referring to her as the Amazon woman.

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Twas the week before Christmas

‘Twas the Week before Christmas
by Canttake Itany Moore

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the city

The virus still raged. The year was still shitty.

The cars sat snuggly, all still in the street.

There was no place to go. No friends to meet.

Restau...

Amazon just got approved for drone delivery

We now have skeet shooting with prizes.

Just a warning if you're buying a watch on Amazon.

I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"

Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.

The day on which the paper announced the contest winner...

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

I was just reading a great book saying that if a company does anything unethical, people will stop supporting it and it'll go out of business.

Here's the Amazon link to it!

Apparently Santa has retired.

He’s passed all his responsibilities to Amazon.

You can be your own secret santa!

All you need is ambien and amazon.

Traveling salesman walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Why the long face?"

The salesman replies "Amazon.

Orion ordered a belt off Amazon.

It wasn't to his liking, so he decided to leave a review. It read, "This belt looks wonderful, but it doesn't fit well and can't be adjusted easily. I give it 3 stars."

My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday

So the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were ok.

Three explorers, one Irish, another English, and an American, were walking in the Amazon. Soon they came across a tribe and the leader told them that if they wanted to pass through their territory that they had to pass the three caves test.

The leader of the tribe took them to the caves, where he said "Inside the first, there are three bottles of rum, each 100 years old and said to be toxic. You have to drink one each. In the second is a lion with a thorn in his foot. You must remove the thorn. In the third is a woman who has never bee...

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A plane is flying over the Amazon when it crashes...

...three men survive the plane crash (German, French, American).

They crash near a village and get captured by the tribe. The villagers tell the three men that: "We aren't cannibals, and we're normally peaceful and wouldn't kill you, but our canoes are riddled with holes, and we need your sk...

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A famous explorer visits a tribe of all-male natives in the Amazon and asks “how do you guys sexually satisfy yourself?”

The chief replies: “Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have s...

I'm taking a trip to the Amazon rainforest, but I was warned to look out for the head-shrinking indigenous tribes that still live there.

I'm not sure what the fuss is about. Who doesn't enjoy a little head?

My buddy told me he got laid off from his job reviewing vendors on eBay, Amazon, etc...

...so I said "Sorry to hear that, man. Let's go grab some meth and we'll tweak out to forget about it."

"Nah," he said. "I don't really feel like it."

"Come on," I urged. "A little crystal will do you good."

"I don't know..." he mumbled.

"Dude, let's get cranked already...

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Best way to vaccinate the masses

Train all of the Amazon drivers to give it.
Everyone will have it by Saturday.
Thursday if you have Prime.

NSFW In amazon warehouses be like

UNIONIZATION

Amazon just launched their new pharmacy service!

They were going to call it Jeff's Benzos, but that name got axed pretty quickly.

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Joe is talking to his friend Danny...

He goes, "You gotta help me man, I want to stop making bad decisions. It started with drugs, alcohol, and now I can't even stop myself from buying shit off Amazon that I don't need!"


Danny says,"I have a simple trick. Everytime I'm about to make a big spending decision, I have a wank.If I...

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An extremely wealthy man invited his high school friends to his big estate for a reunion.

Aside from being extremely wealthy, he is also extremely arrogant and prideful. As he welcomed his friends to his house, he gave them a tour of his estate, showing his cars, helicopters, private jets, and even his own yacht, all the while bragging about all his assets and wealth. Finally, at the end...

Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, has become the first person ever to have a net worth over $200 billion.

That‘s a really expensive net!

How do Australians order monkies?

Amazon Prime, mate.

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I wanted to tell a joke about amazon prime

But I'd probably just fuck up the delivery

Elephant Never Forgets

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.

The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.

"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.

The elephan...

I was gonna get a Mail-Order Bride

but in light of recent events, I'm gonna order me an Amazon Woman

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A man needs to leave for lengthy a business trip, but his wife is saddened by this

She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special...

I don't buy from Amazon because of the slavery it promotes

\- typed from a keyboard made in China

What is the derivative of Amazon?

Amazon Prime.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I just ordered some pills from Amazon Prime to help sex go faster.

Came real quick.

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My sister got a fucking Cadillac on her birthday and all I got was an Amazon gift card.

It's fucking unfair, now I have to wait until my own birthday to get a good present.

My memorial service for all the trees burnt down in the Amazon Rainforest didn't have any female attendees

It was full of guys mourning wood.

When shopping for a vacuum on amazon, never trust a 5 star review.

There is no such thing as a perfect vacuum.

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Three old men are sitting around in a convalescent home,

And the first man pipes up:

“I wish I could have just one good easy piss. I’ve had enough with this dribbling, and trying to get it out, always waiting and waiting and waiting.”

The second man chimes in:

“I wish I could have one just one easy poop. It either comes out runny and ...

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I started selling Bagpipes made from colostomy bags on Amazon

Needless to say, they sound like shit.

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On Amazon, I just ordered premature ejaculation with next day delivery and to my surprise...

It’s coming today.

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A young adventurer guy is trekking through the deepest, darkest amazon jungle

When out of nowhere, he suddenly finds himself surrounded by 30 of the most fierce-looking tribesmen, all with long spears, bows and arrows, as what looks like the chief walks right up to him.
The guy looks at his situation...and he cries out, "Oh god I'm so fucked!"Just then, the clouds above op...

Amazon: Your bathroom vanity has been delivered.

Let that sink in!

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American were venturing through the Amazon rainforest

When they got ambushed by a tribe of warriors. They said, "You are trespassing on our sacred land, so we must kill you and make canoes out of your skin. However, we will let you choose how you wish to die". The Frenchman asked for poison, the Englishman askes for a gun and the American asked for a f...

I'm selling Amazon gift codes on eBay.

If anyone's interested, they are in a mint condition and only used once.

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The children gathered around their father

The first one asked "Why is my name poetry?"

"Because I went on a poetry website to recite a beautiful poem to your mother and then you were conceived"

The second one ask "Why is my name Amazon?"

"I went on that website to order a beautiful diamond ring for you mother. After she...

This book, “The Procrastination Cure: 21 Proven Tactics For Conquering Your Inner Procrastinator”

I have had it in my Amazon shopping cart for six months, I will probably order it tomorrow.

Despite its bad review I bough this vacuum cleaner from Amazon

It sucks.

Amazon is launching a new personal assistant for people suffering from depression.

They are calling it Alexa Pro.

So there's an Amazon River now? What's next? Lake Facebook? Mount Paypal?

How did Amazon manage to name a whole river in South America after them? Did they pay the governments of all the countries it flows through, for the naming rights?

What was the river's name before Amazon bought the naming rights to the river?

And how long will it be before there are ot...

Some European explorers were traveling through the Amazon rainforest with some natives as guides...

when they started hearing drums in the distance. Puzzled the Europeans inquired, “we hear drums? What does that mean?”

The Natives answered, “When drums stop, very bad.”

Reluctantly the exploration continues. After 5 minutes the drums had started getting louder and the explorers star...

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From “Chernobyl” on Amazon

What’s as big as a house, burns 20 liters of fuel every hour, puts out a shit laid of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into 3 pieces?

A SOVIET MACHINE MADE TO CUT APPLES INTO 4 PIECES!

Deep in the Amazon jungle, a tribe witnessed white people for the first time...

...and immediately regretted installing TikTok.

Amazon Employee in Seattle Confirmed to have Coronavirus.

Prime customers expected to have it by Tomorrow if they order within the next 1 hr and 21 mins

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Me: Hey Amazon I wanna buy something

Amazon: Ok, but you need to find $25 worth of items to get free shipping

Me: Why's that?

Amazon: Because our prices are so low, only if you buy $25 can we cover our shipping costs

Me: Ok, I found 3 items that total $25 and pushed the Order button

Amazon: Great! Here are y...

I’m not surprised that Jeff Bezos started seeing a woman who was close to his wife.

Classic Amazon: “if you like this, here is something similar that you might like”

I'm an amazon driver who got in a fight today

Sent that man to god, same day shipping

What do Amazon Prime and a fanfiction website have in common?

Free shipping!

Bill Gates now richer than Jeff Bezos

Now he can look down on Amazon from his Windows

A group of explorers, along with a dog, are exploring the Amazon when the dog gets separated from the group.

While the dog is looking for the group, a jaguar sees the dog.

"I've never seen an animal like that before!" says the jaguar. "He looks tasty!"

The jaguar runs towards the dog, but the dog thinks quickly. Just as the jaguar is about to nab the dog, the dog says, "That jaguar I had ear...

I do not understand why Amazon gets a bad rap for the whole homeless issue...

I mean yes Apple/Google/Microsoft are donating a lot of money to help, but Amazon employs more homeless people than all three combined!

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There was a scientist

That claimed that all ants are constipated.
A tabloid sent a reporter to investigate his claims.
The reporter traveled miles and miles and reached his expedition in the Amazon, finding him surrounded by students looking in awe at him picking ants off a colony.

The journalist respectfull...

Nobody seems to talk about the Amazon Rainforest

I thought it'd be a hotter topic by now

Amazon

Has anyone noticed before the Amazon rainforest caught fire, Amazon the company made a product called the "Kindle"?

Today I got lost in eBay

It felt like the Amazon in there

A French, English, and American man go on a vacation together in the Amazon.

Will they’re on their trip, they’re hunted down and trapped by some scary natives. The men are scared and ask “Why are you doing this?”. The native chief responds, “ I plan on skinning you all and using your skin for cups!” The trapped men make a request to at least choose how they die. The chief li...

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