UPJOKE
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I ordered a deck of cards from Amazon and two weeks later it hasn't arrived.

Customer service told me they're dealing with it.

What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?

Amazon kindle.

Just a warning if you're buying a watch on Amazon.

I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

I bought a boomerang on Amazon...

...but only because of their 100% return policy.

I started a new job as an Amazon delivery driver today. When I got to my first address there was a note saying ‘Dear delivery man, we’re out, please hide in garbage’

That was eight hours ago and still no one has found me

Amazon needs a new app

An audio book app with sign language. We’ll call it *inAudible*.

I told my Dad I'd got a new app that would make Amazon Alexa be my girlfriend.

Dad: "You can do much better than that."

Me: "Thanks."

Dad: "I was talking to Alexa."

an Amazon native can predict the weather

Engineers were preparing to build a highway in the middle of the Amazon forest when a native rocked up and told them to seek shelter because there would be heavy rain in 2 hours. The engineers looked up at the clear sky, didn't heed the man's prediction and continued with their work. In exactly 2 ho...

I think I cracked the overweight problem

# I think I cracked the overweight problem

Last week I weighed 150 pounds, I felt so miserable and was loosing all hope for my future. I couldn't think of a way to get over the shame. Then it struck me and I figured out the ultimate way to get it over with. I immediately did what I had to do,...

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

Did you hear that Mike Tyson just got a job at Amazon?

He just really wanted to be a professional boxer again.

I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

Those are only available on Amazon Prime.

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A famous explorer visits a tribe of all-male natives in the Amazon and asks “how do you guys sexually satisfy yourself?”

The chief replies: “Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have s...

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A woman ordered a dildo on Amazon and it finally arrived and she couldn't wait to use it.....

It was called The Magic Dildo. The instructions said that all you have to do is say "Magic dildo my vagina" and then it will do its thing.

So she eagerly said "Magic dildo my vagina" and sure enough the dildo floated in the air and flew up her skirt and started giving her pleasure.

I...

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A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he’s ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he’s surrounded by bloodthirsty savages. And he thinks, “Man, I am totally fucked.”

“No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, “You’re not fucked.”

The voice continues, “Listen to me very carefully. G...

What did the Amazon driver say to his wife when she went into labor?

Sorry babe, I'm out for delivery.

How is the Amazon’s Alexa like my ex-wife?

She listens to everything and comes across as a know it all

Amazon has started a new service where they deliver custom made shirts within 48 hours of ordering.

It’s called Tailor Swift.

I saw a book on Amazon, “How to reduce your life’s problems by 50%.”

Naturally I ordered two copies.

Went to buy a lighter on Amazon,

when I searched, it said, "4.2 million matches found!" Guess I'll have to go to the store.

Did you know you can order eggs and chickens on Amazon?

I'll let you know which comes first.

What do you call an Amazon warehouse worker who likes hip hop?

A bubble wrapper

(My 15yo son came up with this while assembling his computer chair popping the bubble wrap to a beat)

So, If the Microsoft search engine were to be acquired by Amazon…

That’d be Amazing!

A joke about Amazon store

Arriving in 3 to 5 business days.

A hooker starts a job at an Amazon warehouse, and her bosses give her bonus starting pay.

She had previous package handling experience.

Did you hear Jeff Bezos is buying Crunchyroll?

He is renaming it to Amazon Weeb Services.

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An explorer goes on an excursion into the Amazon rainforest...

(long but I don't believe I have seen this yet)

A rich explorer goes on an excursion into the Amazon rainforest. He has heard of all the wondrous wildlife there is to see, so he sets off with a guide and travels deep into forest. The deeper he goes, the more magical and strange the creatures...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hope...

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An Airplane flying over the Amazon Rainforest crashes in a remote part:

Soon, the local tribals reach the crash site and upon seeing the 3 survivors, take them to their King in captivity.

When presented in front of the king, he says "People of the sky! If you want to live you have to do as I say. Each of you have to go out in the jungle and forrage for fruits and...

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Three men are on a river expedition in the Amazon

Three men are on a river expedition in the Amazon. One from England, one from France, and one from New York. A few days into the trip they encounter some rapids and wreck their boat. They wash up on shore and are immediately captured by a local tribe. The leader of the tribe steps forward and says ...

What's something that grows on trees and every Amazon driver has one?

A pecan.

I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it arrived I found all of the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Netflix and Amazon Prime are no longer available in Afghanistan.

Because of the telly ban.

Why Amazon bought Whole Foods

Jeff Bezos: Alexa buy olives from Whole Foods

Alexa: Buying all of Whole Foods

Jeff: No Olives... Meh I can afford it go ahead.

I ordered a couple Elton John albums off of Amazon three months ago. They still haven't shipped.

And I think it's going to be a long, long time

Amazon doesn't actually drug test their workers.

They just want to make sure everyone can pee into a cup.

The chief editor of the New York Times is traveling in the Amazon jungle

He travels deep into the jungle hoping to write a story about a tribe of cannibals.

After a couple of weeks he finally locates the tribe and starts spying on them from behind some trees.

He feels a tap on the shoulder and he quickly gets captured and finds himself tied up and looks dow...

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I started selling Bagpipes made from colostomy bags on Amazon

Needless to say, they sound like shit.

My friend let's everyone use his Amazon account for free shipping

We call him the Prime Minister

A man buys adult diapers

The clerk asks "are you one of those weirdos with a diaper fetish?" with a judgmental look on his face



The man says "no, I'm an Amazon warehouse employee."



The clerk says "Ah, I understand now."

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3 men get lost

3 men get lost whilst hiking in the Amazon one day, a French man, an English man, and a New Yorker. When trying to find help a tribe of indigenous people jump out at them and say, "your on sacred ground so we are going to kill you and use your skin to make canoes, but we aren't that crazy so we will...

I’m unhappy with prime day

Amazon Prime day is on the 21st. I personally would not partake of Prime day unless it were on the 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 11th, 13th, 17th, 19th, 23rd, 29th, or 31st

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A plane is flying over the Amazon when it crashes...

...three men survive the plane crash (German, French, American).

They crash near a village and get captured by the tribe. The villagers tell the three men that: "We aren't cannibals, and we're normally peaceful and wouldn't kill you, but our canoes are riddled with holes, and we need your sk...

I asked my buddy how is Amazon warehouse job was going

He said it was fulfilling.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

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An American, a Russian and a Brit are travelling in the Amazon…

….when they are suddenly captured by a group of cannibals.
The chief of the tribe walks upto the three men and asks: “Death, or Ungabunga?”
The American asks: “What’s Ungabunga?”
The chief repeats: “Death, or Ungabunga?”
So the American says: “I have a family and have to get back to them...

My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday

So the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were ok.

“meta” mates

Facebook employees are now > Metamates
LinkedIn > Inmates
Amazon > Primates
Tinder > Intimates
ServiceNow > Nowmates
Snowflake > Snowmates
Postmates > Postmatemates

In the jungles of Brazil I met young, beautiful indigenous women named 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11.

They were in their Amazon Prime.

What do you call the leader of Amazon Cooking?

Chef Bezos.

Orion ordered a belt off Amazon.

It wasn't to his liking, so he decided to leave a review. It read, "This belt looks wonderful, but it doesn't fit well and can't be adjusted easily. I give it 3 stars."

Jeff Bezos stepped down as CEO of Amazon.

Quit when he was in his Prime.

Not gonna lie, if Amazon and Bing Converged

It'd Be Amazing.

What do you call it when an Amazon driver swerves out of the way of a pedestrian in Houston?

Prime Texas steer

Y'know Amazon sells Holy Air?

They call it Breff of Jezos

Jeff Bezos is no longer the President of Amazon.

But he's still the Prime Minister.

Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, has become the first person ever to have a net worth over $200 billion.

That‘s a really expensive net!

I had to report my stolen amazon package

The police are still looking for a prime suspect

The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"

Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.

The day on which the paper announced the contest winner...

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I wanted to tell a joke about amazon prime

But I'd probably just fuck up the delivery

Where's the best place to buy a rain forest?

Amazon

Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon.

After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.

Because I try to be honest with myself, for Christmas I got my mom a book called "But, I'm Still Your Mom: How to Deal With Your Disappointing Grown Children"

Amazon says it should be here by the 29th.

I tried to look up lighters in Amazon.

All they had was 13,749 matches.

When an Amazon employee is on maternity leave...

Are they out for delivery?

Amazon say drones will be making deliveries in ‘months’

So much for next day delivery

What’s the difference between Amazon and prison?

You can sit down in prison

What is the derivative of Amazon?

Amazon Prime.

Captan Kirk & Today’s Shuttle Launch

If William Shatner really wanted to go “where no man had gone before”, He should have just used the associates bathroom At the Amazon distribution center.

If you think Amazon is going to deliver what you ordered...

...you've got another thing coming.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in a plane that crashes in the Amazon...

They are swiftly captured by a tribe of cannibals. The leader of their tribe tells them that outsiders from the sky are to be sacrificed for the good of the people. They will be cooked alive, the village will feast on their flesh, they will make weapons from their bones, and use their skin for canoe...

The gorilla at the zoo likes to get deals at Amazon.

He's a Primeate

Amazon just got approved for drone delivery

We now have skeet shooting with prizes.

Three explorers, one Irish, another English, and an American, were walking in the Amazon. Soon they came across a tribe and the leader told them that if they wanted to pass through their territory that they had to pass the three caves test.

The leader of the tribe took them to the caves, where he said "Inside the first, there are three bottles of rum, each 100 years old and said to be toxic. You have to drink one each. In the second is a lion with a thorn in his foot. You must remove the thorn. In the third is a woman who has never bee...

My buddy told me he got laid off from his job reviewing vendors on eBay, Amazon, etc...

...so I said "Sorry to hear that, man. Let's go grab some meth and we'll tweak out to forget about it."

"Nah," he said. "I don't really feel like it."

"Come on," I urged. "A little crystal will do you good."

"I don't know..." he mumbled.

"Dude, let's get cranked already...

I'm taking a trip to the Amazon rainforest, but I was warned to look out for the head-shrinking indigenous tribes that still live there.

I'm not sure what the fuss is about. Who doesn't enjoy a little head?

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So I just ordered some pills from Amazon Prime to help sex go faster.

Came real quick.

Amazon just launched their new pharmacy service!

They were going to call it Jeff's Benzos, but that name got axed pretty quickly.

Amazon Employee in Seattle Confirmed to have Coronavirus.

Prime customers expected to have it by Tomorrow if they order within the next 1 hr and 21 mins

An explorer in the deepest Amazon

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by what appears to be a bloodthirsty group of cannibals.
Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No, you are not screw...

I'm an amazon driver who got in a fight today

Sent that man to god, same day shipping

I took my daughter trick or treating (dad joke)

I took my daughter trick or treating. After we received candy from the neighbor lady she says “you’re daughter looks so cute in that costume”. I smile and say “thank you”. She then asks if I made it. I say “yes”, but the costume is from Amazon.

What’s the number one item shipped by amazon?

Cardboard boxes

Amazon is launching a new personal assistant for people suffering from depression.

They are calling it Alexa Pro.

So there's an Amazon River now? What's next? Lake Facebook? Mount Paypal?

How did Amazon manage to name a whole river in South America after them? Did they pay the governments of all the countries it flows through, for the naming rights?

What was the river's name before Amazon bought the naming rights to the river?

And how long will it be before there are ot...

NSFW In amazon warehouses be like

UNIONIZATION

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My sister got a fucking Cadillac on her birthday and all I got was an Amazon gift card.

It's fucking unfair, now I have to wait until my own birthday to get a good present.

When shopping for a vacuum on amazon, never trust a 5 star review.

There is no such thing as a perfect vacuum.

A group of explorers, along with a dog, are exploring the Amazon when the dog gets separated from the group.

While the dog is looking for the group, a jaguar sees the dog.

"I've never seen an animal like that before!" says the jaguar. "He looks tasty!"

The jaguar runs towards the dog, but the dog thinks quickly. Just as the jaguar is about to nab the dog, the dog says, "That jaguar I had ear...

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A young adventurer guy is trekking through the deepest, darkest amazon jungle

When out of nowhere, he suddenly finds himself surrounded by 30 of the most fierce-looking tribesmen, all with long spears, bows and arrows, as what looks like the chief walks right up to him.

The guy looks at his situation...and he cries out, "Oh god I'm so fucked!"


Just then, the...

You guys hear about Amazon?

I hear it's pretty lit!

My memorial service for all the trees burnt down in the Amazon Rainforest didn't have any female attendees

It was full of guys mourning wood.

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Me: Hey Amazon I wanna buy something

Amazon: Ok, but you need to find $25 worth of items to get free shipping

Me: Why's that?

Amazon: Because our prices are so low, only if you buy $25 can we cover our shipping costs

Me: Ok, I found 3 items that total $25 and pushed the Order button

Amazon: Great! Here are y...

3 explorers went exploring in the Amazon where they got captured by cannibals

The chief of the cannibal tribe informed them that they were all going to be eaten, and their skin used for canoes, but he let them choose how they were to die.

“I’d like to be shot in the head. Quick and painless” the first explorer said. He was shot, skinned, and eaten.

“I’d like t...

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot...

This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.

Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft musi...

A French, English, and American man go on a vacation together in the Amazon.

Will they’re on their trip, they’re hunted down and trapped by some scary natives. The men are scared and ask “Why are you doing this?”. The native chief responds, “ I plan on skinning you all and using your skin for cups!” The trapped men make a request to at least choose how they die. The chief li...

Some European explorers were traveling through the Amazon rainforest with some natives as guides...

when they started hearing drums in the distance. Puzzled the Europeans inquired, “we hear drums? What does that mean?”

The Natives answered, “When drums stop, very bad.”

Reluctantly the exploration continues. After 5 minutes the drums had started getting louder and the explorers star...

Juliane Koepcke was the sole survivor, when her plane crashed in the amazon

Guess they should have made the whole plane out of her

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From “Chernobyl” on Amazon

What’s as big as a house, burns 20 liters of fuel every hour, puts out a shit laid of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into 3 pieces?

A SOVIET MACHINE MADE TO CUT APPLES INTO 4 PIECES!

I asked my Republican friend if he though Amazon should pay taxes

He said "Of course, they're not a church"

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