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What's the best way to get an Amish girl pregnant?

Two mennonite..

An Amish family visits a mall...

...the mother strolls along an aisle and experience modern life. The dad and the son, however, encounters an elevator.
"What is that, father?", the son asked.
"I don't know either, my son", replied the father, "Let's see what they use it for".
They then see an ugly, fat woman trudge into th...

Amish Brakes

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy
when she is pulled over by a cop.

Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you
a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.

Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.
<...

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Amish Driving

An Amish lady is pulled over .

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return hom...

How can you tell if someone Amish is an alcoholic?

They keep falling off the wagon.

An Amish man and his son are at a mall.

They're taken aback as they look around. The son points to an elevator and asks his father, "What is that?" The man says, "I don't know, son, but let's watch." An old, fat woman gets on and the metal doors slide shut. A few moments later the doors slide open and a gorgeous young blonde gets off....

A pair of Amish girls visiting NYC decide to try hot dogs for the first time

They buy two hot dogs wrapped in foil from a street vendor and sit down on a nearby bench, excited to finally try this modern cuisine.

The first girl opens the foil, blushes with embarrassment, and shyly asks the second girl, "What part of the dog did you get?"

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A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in ...

The Amish Man at the Tollbooth

An Amish man was going along in his horse-drawn buggy when he arrived at a tollbooth. The tollbooth operator said it would be $5 to proceed. The Amish man said he thought that only applied to cars, and the operator explained that in fact, it applied to all vehicles.


So the man turned ...

An Amish farmer and his son were driving their horse-drawn buggy down a road where there was no room to turn around in either direction for two miles.

Suddenly, a man coming the other way in an expensive sports car screeches to a stop in front of them, then begins honking his horn.

The farmer pulls the buggy to a stop, rises from his seat, and rolls up his sleeves. "If you do not back up, I will not like what I have to do," he loudly says....

Why do the Amish use birth control?

To stop the spread of Abes.

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A young amish woman is in a carriage with her mother

She starts complaining to her mother about how cold her hands are.
Her mother says, “Put them between your legs, they’ll warm right up.”
She puts her hands between her thighs and they warm up.

Three days later she’s in a carriage with another person, and this man just won’t shut up abou...

An amish man, a hippie and jesus walk into a bar.

An amish man, a hippie and jesus walk into a bar.
An old man at the bar turns to them and surprised, he asks: “Why is it that three men that are so different from each other travelling together?”
The Hippie says “I want to learn the ways of the amish to be freed from materialism.”
The...

A joke I heard while visiting an Amish community

A farmer gets pulled over by a police man, and as the cop writes the ticket, he is swatting at flies that are swarming him. When he goes to hand the ticket to the farmer, the farmer asks “Having some trouble with ground flies ?”

The officer responds “Yes, but why do you call them ground flies...

I went to a crazy Amish strip club.

It was bonnetless.

Why did the Amish girl get kicked out of her house?

Too Mennonite.

Why did the Ex-Amish guy not clean all the dead insects off his new car?

He was used to his transport being a little buggy.

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Ol Henry Graber's son, Abraham, became the first Amish software engineer.

He was one of the pioneers of AI voices. But he was let go because they were too hoarse and buggy.

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Amish man and his son go to a big shopping mall for the first time

They're staring in wonder at all of the shiny big buildings and the massive panes of glass when the two come across two big shiny metal doors.

"What is it, dad?" asked the son.

"I have no idea." replied the father. I have never seen anything like this in all my life.

They watch...

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The Amish

An Amish woman and her 18 year old daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold
blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are
freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs,
the body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did and her hands...

A sports car is driving in Amish country.

He skids on the road and crashes into a ditch. He gets out unharmed and looks at his car in dismay. A few minutes later an Amish man comes riding by in a horse and buggy. The Amish man stops and asks, "Would you like some help, English?". The man quickly says he would, and just as quickly the Am...

Did you hear about those Amish who are running wild when the sun goes down?

They're Amish by day, but mennonite

What was the punishment for the Amish boy who went streaking at school?

He got suspendered.

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Did you hear about the Amish woman who had sex with ten Mennonite?

She had to stop because they were driving her buggy.

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

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An Amish farmer is walking through his field when he sees a guy drinking from his pond, scooping it up with his hand.

The farmer says,
"Trinken sie nicht das wasser, die
kuhe unddie schweine haben in ihm
geschissen," which means, 'Don't
drink the water, the cows and the
pigs shit in it'


The guy shouts back, "I'm a Trump
supporter, and this is America. I
don't understand your gibberi...

How many men does it take to satisfy a Amish woman?

3 men a night

There is a group of Amish engineers who created the hardware and software for a small self-driving horseless carriage.

It's a little buggy.

You have to admire Amish people for their great sense of self-derision. You can find tons of jokes making fun of them on Reddit...

But you never see one of them writing a disapproving comment below.

Amish people of Reddit

wait nevermind

An Amish family goes to a mall for the first time

And of course they are overwhelmed. The man stands in front of an elevator, puzzled what this contraption may be. He watches a very heavyset woman enter it, the doors close and the elevator goes up, and as it returns, a young, beautiful woman emerges.

"What is that, Pa?", little Joshua wants...

What's the difference between regular Gatorade and Amish Gatorade?

Amish Gatorade has no electric-lights.

What's an Amish's favorite kind of raisin?

A Barn Raisin'!

What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?

A mechanic.

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My Amish girlfriend only likes missionary sex. I tried to get her to try other positions.

But all she does is cum plain.

Why don't amish people use electricity?

If they had lights they would never sleep with each other

Amish girls have no way of knowing

if it's a romantic candle light dinner or just a regular dinner.

what do you call a guy with his fist up a horse's ass?

An Amish mechanic!

What are amish children called?

Amlettes

Had an Amish friend with 6 sons and five daughters.

OP.
When his wife got pregnant again, he hoped for a daughter, just to even things up. But, alas, another boy. When I saw him next, I asked him what was the kid count was now.
He smiled and winked, “I now have one and a half dozen boys, and five girls.”

Why was the Amish woman kicked out of her colony?

She slept with two Mennonite.

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble

Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.

In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"

His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

Defiantly s...

Why is it hard for the Amish to travel?

Their transit system is a little buggy.

Amish users of reddit, what is it like going about your day to day life without technology?

Hello?
Hello?
Anyone there?

Two Amish Women

Two Amish women are out picking potatoes in a field.

The first one holds out one potato in each hand in front of her while studying and balancing them.

The second woman asks her, "What are you doing with those potatoes?"

The first woman responds, "They remind me of my husband'...

Congratulations, your ears hang as low as an Amish person's.

But can you tie a Mennonite?

An Amish joke for you...

What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, silence....?

A drive-by shunning

Why can’t you drive through an Amish neighborhood?

No Outlets.

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An amish girl and her mom are riding home in a horse drawn carriage

Daughter: "Mom, my hands are so cold."

Mother: "Stick your hands between your legs and your body heat will keep them warm."

So the daughter does this and she is amazed how warm her hands got. So the next night she is with her boyfriend running errands:

Boyfriend: "Wow, it is col...

So an Amish couple are in their horse and buggy going down the road during a blizzard...

The woman spots a skunk lying in the road. She turns to her husband and says, "Honey, pull over, he must be freezing!"

So the husband pulls over and the wife gets out and gets the skunk and get on their way again.

After about 5 minutes, she says to her husband, "Oh honey, he is still s...

How many Amish people does it take to change a lightbulb?

What’s a lightbulb?

Why don't Amish people water ski?

Because their horses would drown.

I've met a few Amish people in my day...

But I've yet to find someone that will fully commit to being Am.

Do you know why the Amish girl was excommunicated?

Two Men A Night

I went to a topless Amish bar last night.

No bonnets.

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An Amish man and his son...

An Amish man and his son go to the mall for the first time- they are amazed! All the stores, all the people! But what takes the cake is a strange double sliding metal door with numbers over it. They watch entranced as an enormous senior woman in a wheelchair rolls inside the doors, and they shut alm...

An Amish Woman

Amish woman(riding a horse and buggy) gets pulled over because reflector on her buggy is broken.. cop says, “you might want to have your husband look at your reflector” He notices a rope wrapped around the horse’s balls…”and ma’am, some folks might find that rope offensive”. The lady later makes i...

What do a hockey player and an Amish woman have in common?

They both shower after the third period.

Why Don’t the Amish get Covid?

Because they don’t have TVs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the possible outbreak of the Coronavirus in the Amish community?

It was a false alarm, No fever, but people did get a little hoarse and buggy.

Say what you want about the Amish...

Really, go ahead. They’re not on here.

What do you call a group of Amish witches?

A Dutch coven.

Three Amish ladies are in a field picking potatoes

Their husbands names are Jake, Jacob and Jakey. They would always get confused. So one day they decided to nickname them. Mabel said "lets name them after soda pop", the other two said "what do you mean?". Mabel said she would go first and said " I'll call my Jacob 7-Up because he has 7 inches and i...

Amish wagon

A Amish wife was coming home from grocery shopping and a highway patrol noticed the slow moving vehicle sign was danging and about ready to fall off. He pulls her over and explains the situation and notices the reins for the horse are wrapped around the horses balls, he points out she might fix that...

I had a one night stand with an Amish guy the other week...

He never called me back.

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A police officer pulls over an Amish couple in a horse-drawn buggy.

The husband sticks his hand out and says "Hi officer, is there a problem?"

The police officer says, "Sir, are you aware that you have a rope tied around your horse's dick and sack?"

Confused, the Amish man says "The wife and I will take care of it as soon as we get home."

Aft...

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An Amish family went to the mall.

(The Amish don't usually go to the mall, but go with me.)

This family consisted of two parents and a son. The father and the son went by themselves to explore, leaving the mother to do whatever it was that she was doing.

The two men encountered an elevator. This was the first time eith...

What did the Amish husband say to his wife when she got back from working out on the farm all day?

Amish you.

I like sleeping with amish women

that way i don't have to call the next day

Why don’t the Amish shave their beards?

They don’t want raze-a-barn

What did the uncertain, Amish philosopher say?

I think, therefore I am-ish...

Amish Hooker

What's an Amish Hooker do?

Ten Mennonite!

(Mennonite link on the front page made me think of this one.)

Amish from the future

I met an Amish guy the other day. He looked at me and said " can I confide in you? I'm from 100 years in the future. We built a time machine and I just arrived. You re the first person I've seen since My arival"
Incredibly intrigued, I said to him " wow! 100 years in the future! That's amazing! ...

The Amish woman and the Pennsylvania State Trooper

An Amish woman is in her horse and buggy heading back home when a state trooper pulls her over. The trooper walks up to the door of the buggy and the woman says "Good afternoon, young man. What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper says, ma'am, I pulled you over because you were speeding....

The Amish Space Program is at a stalemate

Jebediah and the boys just cannot figure out how to get the horses to go vertical.

A young Amish couple got married. After the wedding, they went out for a ride on a horse and buggy.

Everything was going fine, until all of a sudden the horse stops. The husband gets out, walks over to the horse, looks it dead in the eyes and said "That's one". The husband gets back in the buggy, and they start moving like normal. A few minutes later, the horse stops again. The husband gets o...

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An Amish family takes a day off to visit New York City

An Amish family takes a day off to visit New York City.

They drive their wagon all the way into Time Square because they want to find a hotel with a room overlooking all of the cool sights they have never seen. The husband drops his wife and kids off at the front door of a super fancy hotel a...

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