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During the height of the Great Patriotic War, Stalin is listening to the updates his marshals give him on the situation on the fronts

When the meeting is over, Zhukov is the first one to step out.

"Mustachioed asshole" he mumbles as he slams the door.

Stalin's personal secretary, Poskrebyshev happens to hear Zhukov's outburst. Being the loyal servant to the cause, he immediately reports it to his boss. Stalin orders...

TIL the government has a minimum height requirement for workers to receive Coronavirus relief payments. I was so angry...

but I'm over it

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

A large study shows that educational achievement and earned income strongly correlated with height.

A study carried out among hundreds of elementary school classes showed the tallest person in the room almost always had the highest income and education level.

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

A man refuses to date a woman because of the height difference between them

Woman: your selling yourself short you know

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What is the relation between my height and penis sise?

I wish both were 3 inches longer...

It was the height of the Clone Wars, and Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin had just finished a heated battle against separatist spacecraft.

After making sure that the civilian freighter they were escorting was undamaged, they prepared to hyperspace jump back to Coruscant. However, just as their craft are about to enter lightspeed, a mysterious pulse of energy fries their systems and instead jumps them to a planet they’ve never seen befo...

A lot of people are afraid of heights.

Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

A C.O. noticed something on patrol. He called his shift lead to tell him a subject was climbing down a makeshift rope, from a hole in Q4 dorm's outer wall. The subject was male, aprox. 3' 8" in height, wearing orange. The shift lead laughed over the radio, asking if he was sure of the sighting.

The C.O. later stated, it was definitely a little con descending.

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On Tinder and similar apps, girls keep asking me about my height

Are we sure these girls wanna fuck or are they basketball scouts?

Heights of grandiose delusions!

Two criminals (fighting to save their careers) - one dumb and impeached, another indicted - revealing a Middle East “Peace” plan!!

When Andrew Waugh was surveying Mt Everest in 1856 he came up with a height of exactly 29,000 ft. Fearing people would think that was just an imprecise estimation he reported it as 29,002 ft.

Because of this, some say he was the first to place two feet on the summit of Everest.

What do you call a superhero whose power is misjudging the height of jumps?

Splatman

I don’t have a fear of heights

It’s just that when I’m up real high, I got a problem with gravity

I hate when guys brag about their height online

It makes me six two my stomach.

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen

...are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals?

"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the ...

The outmaneuvre !

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, borin...

Interviewer: Why did you become a pilot?

Pilot: To overcome my biggest fear.

Interviewer: Heights?

Pilot: Dying Alone.

A woman was taking her late husband to the undertakers.

He was wearing his best suit, a charcoal grey suit. The woman knew it was her husbands dying wish to be buried in a blue suit, something that they had never been able to afford when he was alive. So, she told the undertaker about her husband's wish, acknowledging that she couldn't afford a new suit,...

A girl with tight skirt tries to get on a bus....

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarras...

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As the saying goes the tallest person has experienced everyone’s height, the heaviest man has experienced everyone’s weight...

Well I’ve experienced everyone’s penis size...

My ass really hurts.

I was under a lot of stress my height changed

I found it strainge.

The height of coincidence!

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.
When the son returned, he said, “Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity.”

“Oy vey,” said the father, “What have I done!”

He took his problem to his best frie...

If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?

From my head, tomatoes.

Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.

What’s the difference between I.T. and management?

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”...

How much is your height

Indian:- My height is 167cms

European :- My height is 182.5 cms

American :- My height is 1/3675 of a Football field

My girlfriend is very short and she gets fed up of me making fun of her height.

So tonight I’m going to make it up to her.

I’ve got a good bottle of wine and a DVD box set of her favorite TV show.

When she gets in from work I’m going to order her favorite takeaway which we’ll sit and eat while we drink the wine and watch the DVDs.

Then afterwards I’m going ...

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3 men and a wizard are on top of a tower with no way down, the wizard says to the three men, "jump and say something while falling, and whatever you said will meet you at the bottom"

The first man jumped and yelled "pillows!". The man landed safely on some pillows. The second man jumped and yelled "Hay!". He was saved by landing in a pile of hay. The third man took the longest to jump because he was afraid of heights, but when he finally jumped he look down and yelled "OH CRAP!"

Write the expression for the volume of a thick pizza with height "a" and radius "z".

*pi * z * z * a*

The average height of a dwarf is about 3 feet tall

That's a little gnome fact

I was astonished my girlfriend managed to draw her eyebrows on at the right height instead of too high for once but when I told her...

She didn't seem surprised.

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My Wife is missing.

Husband:

My wife is missing.

She went out yesterday and has not come home...



Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?



Husband:

Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.



Sergeant:

Weight?



Husb...

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I had a few jokes I loved as a kid

Like, there was this one where these three friends were out after it rained and had some bricks. They wanted to decide who was the strongest by seeing who could throw the bricks in the air but didn't have a way to measure the height so they decided that since it was muddy outside, they'd throw the b...

It was the Best of Times, It was the Worst of Times...

Yes, it was the middle of the French Revolution, and Robespierre and his revolutionaries had gathered up a priest, a member of the aristocracy and an engineer, packed them into a tumbrel and dragged them off to the square to the waiting guillotine.

First they dragged the priest up onto the pl...

Lord came unto Noah

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United
States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans."...

Starbucks reached new heights this weekend.

They now have a store in Westeros.

Are you at all concerned that the heights of vegetables are rapidly increasing due to the amount of chemicals used on them?

No, I don't carrot tall.

Why is a Stormtrooper's height of 5'11" measured in feet and inches?

They use Imperial measurements

Can you jump 6 times your own body height? Cats can

Can you take an x-ray of the inside of your own body? Catscan

At the height of the Cold War...

At the height of the Cold War, a landmark summit was convened with leaders from every province within the Soviet Union. The representatives arrived very early but the meeting was still delayed. Why?

They were all Russian, but one was Stalin


Note: made this up after being inspired b...

What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights?

A chicken

I'm writing a book called "Fair In Height, For 5'1""

It's about a short guy that gets too heated at a bagel store.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping...

They build up their tents and after a good meal and a bottle of the finest wine they lay down and go to sleep.

A few hours later, Holmes wakes up his good friend and says, "Watson, my dear friend, look up and tell me what you see." Watson then replies "I see millions and millions of stars" an...

There's a group of people who say they for years they've adored these three sunflowers growing together...

...and then three sunflowers which looked the same and just as beautiful were planted next to them but did not grow very tall. Purely because of this, the people insisted and raged that the new sunflowers were an abomination that totally destroyed the beauty and awe of the three tall sunflowers perm...

I wasn't afraid of heights until my significant other told me about her bungee jumping accident

I got the fright of my wife.

Have you heard about the tax on balloons?

They are taxing them to new heights!

A case of shingles

A good ole boy by the name of Bubba walked into a Doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and as...

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If a person whose height is less than 5'10 has an orgasm

It's a shortcoming

I don't think I should pay my vertically challenged Irish servant the same wage as staff of average height.

But that's just my O'Minion.

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My wife was in the height of labour. Screaming in agony as I mopped her brow. She turned to me and grabbed my hand. Her face scrunched up and staring deep into my eyes, she let out a hiss and shouted, "THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!"

I smiled and calmly replied, "Well if you remember rightly, I wanted to do you up the arse but you said it'd be too painful"

What's the height of loneliness?

Every time after sneezing, I say "God bless me"

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

A lady goes to the doctor

Doctor: It's possible you have a weight problem...

Lady: I'm really worried about my height, not my weight

Doctor: Why?

Lady: According to my weight, I should be 8' 3''

What do you get when a piano falls on a child from a great height?

A♭m

Height of internet addiction

At a funeral in church


A visitor: What's the Wi-Fi password here ?

Priest: Respect the dead.

Visitor: all small letters?

The Coast Guard recently changed their minimum height requirements to 6'.

That way if the boat sinks everyone can just walk to shore.

Pyramids were not the tallest structures in Egypt...

They were just medium height, between the Pyrahighs, and Pyralows.

Making fun of a short's person height is cruel and requires no ability...

... one could even say it's the lowest form of humour.

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

While passing through east germany in the height of the cold war, i saw an ad in the personals...

It read:
Looking to trade!
One 1200 sq ft. Apt. 2 bathrooms and 3 bedrooms. Will pay for utilities.
In return:
One hole in wall.

A scientific study was conducted on ants...

There was a scientific study conducted on various species of ants investigating the correlation between their heights and how their feet operate.
Shorter ants were found to have little nubs on the end of their feet that operate similarly to toes on humans and primates.
This was not seen in lar...

I got a new step ladder.......

I used to have a real ladder.....One I could look up to. Who at one time could support 3 people but now is in the 12 step program. I learned if you wanna reach new heights you got to have something strong to lean on. Otherwise you might fall and not get back up.

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm not even afraid of falling from heights.

I'm afraid hitting the ground after falling from heights.

Why is jumping from great heights the most influential way to die?

Because you make an impact

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Two men are attempting to escape a mental asylum...

their plan is simply to access the asylum's roof and hop from rooftop to rooftop until they reach freedom.

On the night of their escape they make it to the roof and realize the distance to the next building is farther than they had anticipated. Never the less the first guy makes the jump easi...

A mathematician, physicist and an engineer...

... are trying to measure a building.


The mathematician tries to calculate the height of the building by using angle of elevation.


The physicist throws an egg off the top of the building and tries using the time it takes to fall.


The engineer walks up to the owner of...

What's the most exciting height to be?

Yay high.


: ^)

My friend is afraid of heights...

I'm more afraid of snakes, but my fear of heights is definitely up there.

How did the roller coaster parks decide on the acceptable height for children to ride?

Experience.

Yesterday at the gym I was looking at the Height/Body Mass index

Apparently I'm 4 inches too short

What's the height of self confidence?

Farting when you have diarrhea.

Why did the paleontologist measure the height of a dinosaur using a T-Rex's foot?

Jurassic times call for Jurassic
Measures.

Height matters

For example, a difference in how high the rocket flew determined the years the scientists spent in a labor camp.

I before E except after C

We feign agreeing, but this foreign poltergeist of a rule is neither efficient nor smart- and therein lies the height of the issue. It's as if an ancient deity has deigned to influence the zeitgeist of the people. We must remove the weight of this veil from their eyes, and forfeit the obeisance of t...

How do you determine the volume of a pizza?

Well, it’s basically a very flat cylinder. Let’s give it a random radius “z” and an arbitrary height “a”.

The volume of a cylinder is 3.14 x radius squared x height.

(Pi)(z)(z)(a)

Just a joke I remembered from math class way back in the day.

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It’s a long joke but I think it’s worth it.

A bear is chasing a rabbit in the woods. Suddenly a magic owl appears and says to them: “Stop the hunt! I am a magic owl and I give each of you 3 wishes. Who begins?”
The bear directly says: “Me! I wish that every bear in this forest becomes a female.” *and his wish came true*
The rabbit wishe...

Two kids are talking to each other

The first kid says “my family wants me to be as tall as my grandpa. He is six feet tall”. The other kid says in response, “yeah my family wants me to be as tall as my grandpa as well. Now that I think about it, my two grandpas are exact opposites in height. The one on my mom’s side is six feet tall ...

Why is height reduction surgery almost always a bad deal?

Because you're guaranteed to get short-changed!

A man was on a hike with his best friend.

They’re walking up a hill, talking about what had happened during their childhood. About halfway through the height, the man spots a purple flower out of the corner of his eye. He goes over to it and picks it up. He turns to his friend and says,
“Hey, look! A purple flower!”

His friends ...

A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort ...

Imagine being in a room

Imagine being completely naked in a room where everyone is several times your height, everyone speaks a foreign language, and they all want to touch you.

This is the life of a dog.

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A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors...

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionair...

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In Russia during the height of the 1921 famine ,a bread queue has formed outside in freezing weather to feed the citizens but the bread truck hasn't arrived.

A party official comes up and says, "Hello comrades! There isn't enough bread to feed everyone today, so no bread will be given to any Jews."

All of the Jews, used to disappointment, shrug, pack up their things and go home.

Two hours go by as the snow keeps falling. The official return...

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Bancroft was an unimpressive man

he had no viable skills or accomplishments. He has always dreamed of joining the king’s army and becoming a knight but was always rejected as he was too short. He would often complain to his friend, Alcott, about his height. He would repeatedly say, “If only I was taller, I would be able to be a kni...

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A psychiatrist arrives for a house call and is greeted by a panicked mother

Who shows him to her son’s room. Her son had taken an extreme interest in First Nations culture in the past years going as far as packing his room with First Nations ornaments and trinkets and even changing his name to Spirit Eagle. However, the interesting state of his room was over shadowed by the...

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A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival.

The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily, "I never make way for fools!"

Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said,

"I always do."

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