Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....”

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
...

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After a stressful takeoff

The pilot forgets to turn off the mic and says to the co-pilot, "Damn, i could really use a hot cup of joe and a blowjob right about now!".

The air hostess quickly runs back, panicking to the cockpit to warn the pilots.

As she is running a passenger yells "Dont forget the coffee!".

The US Military today confirmed that two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.

Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

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Blind pilots

A plane is preparing for takeoff with a full load of passengers when the pilot and copilot board--both with dark sunglasses and tapping walking sticks for guidance. The passengers are understandably uncomfortable, but assume it must be some sort of practical joke, so they say nothing.

As the ...

I've always wanted to joke about airplanes

Although I'm afraid they won't takeoff

Blind pilots

So i went flying. I entered the airplane looked for my seat and sat down, just as every usual flight.
Suddenly I see the pilots entering. They both are wearing sunglasses and blind sticks.
I asked the stewardess: "sorry, who are these two? They cant be our pilots, can they?"
"those are one ...

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Engineering Professors are sitting in Plan...

Once all the engineering professors were sitting in one plane.
Before the takeoff, one announcement came
“This plane is made by your students”
Then all professors stood up, ran and went outside.
But the principal was sitting.
One guy came and asked, “are you not afraid”? ...

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So a lawyer walks on a plane and sits in the aisle seat beside two doctors...

He takes his shoes off and gets comfy in his seat. A little while after takeoff one of the doctors says “excuse me, would you mind if I get up to get a coke?” The lawyer responds “oh, no problem. In fact, I’ll just go and get it for you!” While he’s at the front of the plane, the doctor spits in hi...

I tried to make an airplane joke once

I didn’t really takeoff

Doctors And Attorneys

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One
sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle
seat. Just before takeoff, a physician got on and
took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The
doctor kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when ...

A guy in a bar is telling a joke to his friend

"John and his friends are playing 'how high can you throw a brick', the first kid had the brick in the air for 2 seconds, the 2nd one for 4, third one slipped and the brick touched the ground in less than one second, now it's John's turn, he throws the brick in the air aaaand it never drops"
...

A man boards a plane and, to his surprise, finds the pope in the seat next to him...

Shortly after takeoff, the pope opens the newspaper and starts working on the crossword puzzle. Almost immediately the pope turns to the man and says, “Execuse me, do you know a four-letter word that ends in ‘unt’ and refers to a woman?”

Just one word leapt to mind, an extremely vulgar one. T...

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Why Must It Be This Way?

An American and a Canadian are sitting on a plane. After takeoff the Canadian leans back, and takes his shoes off, and begins to relax. The American, who is pinned in at the window, says, "Sorry to trouble you but our call light is broken. Could you get me a beer?"

"No problem," says the Can...

A Right to Life Group recently picketed my flight to LAX

They protested against the Aborted Takeoff

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A few Indian pilots went to Russia for the training of modern MiG-27 aircraft

Russian instructor:

Press this button to takeoff.

Press this button to turn the plane right.

Press this button to turn the plane left.

Pressing this button to go up.



At the end of the training, Indian pilots stood up and asked.



But how will w...

Irish Airways

Good morning ladies and gentlemen, this is your capt'n S Murphy O'Sullivan welcoming you to Irish Airlines! We apologise for the 4 day delay in takin' off, sadly this was unavoidable due to to the bad weather and happy hour at Ó Ceallaighs' bar.

This is flight 367 to Shannon Airport, Landi...

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The blind pilots

Passengers of a 747 begin settling in for their scheduled takeoff when two men in pilot uniforms stumble into the plane, one with a seeing eye dog and the other with a walking stick. The passengers think it's some sort of joke and think nothing of it, but the men carefully and methodically make the...

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Fright flight!

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the flight attendant announces over the intercom that, "We're just waiting for the pilots."

The passengers look out the windows, and see two men, dressed in pilot's uniforms, walking towards the plane.

Both men are using guide dogs and ap...

There was once a blonde woman.

There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Detroit. She was in the economy class, but after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there. An attendant saw her and said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here." The blonde replied,...

A mother is breastfeeding her baby on a plane

The captain comes on and says "we're ready for takeoff." The mother wraps her child and herself up. The plane takes off and the mother opens up and begins to breastfeed her child again. Her seatmate turns to her and says "You must have a hungry child." The mother answers "No, I just feed him to ...

[Long] A German, Frenchman, and Russian board a small plane from Madrid to Moscow.

A German, Frenchman, and Russian board a small plane from Madrid to Moscow. Shortly after takeoff the Frenchman opens the window and sticks his hand out.

Then he brings his hand back in, sniffs it, and proclaims "We are above France right now!" The German and Russian ask him how he knows thi...

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Achoo

A woman gets on a plane and sits next to a random dude. Just before takeoff, he sneezes. She turns to him to say "Bless you" but is startled into silence when she sees him furtively take his penis out, wipe it off, and put it away. She decides to say nothing.

However, after she observes this ...

Two deer hunters

Two deer hunters hired a pilot to take them way back into the forest. After the hunt, the pilot returned and saw that they shot six deer. “The plane won’t carry six deer, you’ll have to leave two of them,” said the pilot. Unwilling to leave their deer, the hunters said “We got six on the plane last ...

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Saying goodbye to mother

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year’s Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the...

An Aer Lingus flight to New York takes off from Dublin...

Shortly after takeoff the Senior Air Hostess speaks over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen if I can have your attention for a moment. I regret to inform you that due to a mix up before takeoff, we do not have enough food for everyone on board. Our current stock is just 30 dinners. However we do ha...

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Heavy snow is causing delays at the airport

Many are stuck waiting for the one active runway.

After hours of sitting out in the takeoff que a voice calls out over the radio.

"Im so fucking bored."

After a few more moments of radio silence ground control responds. "Last transmission please identify".

The radio st...

2 hunters hire a pilot and fly to the jungle...

...and they hunt alot of things and prepare to go back home. Seeing the huge amount of things that the hunters brought back, the pilot exclaimed, "the plane will never fly well with that much stuff on!"
The hunters tell the pilot," relax, we hunted this much last year!" Reluctantly, the pilot dec...

Russian news report from 1960's

China has escalated the Far East conflict once again. This morning at 09-00 hours, a Chinese fighter jet opened fire on a Russian tractor that was peacefully ploughing the fields.

Eyewitnesses report the tractor returned fire with anti-air missiles, performed vertical takeoff, and flew off o...

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