UPJOKE
leganklehoofheelwalkhalluxpawftvertebrate footbootbig toeshoetoeinchmeter

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

My mom kicked me out the house for tickling my little brothers feet

I knew I should’ve waited until he was born

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

This comment has been overwritten and deleted forevermore by the user in response to the API changes June 2023.

Why are lawyers buried 12 feet under?

A: Because deep down they’re really good people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's said that guys with big feet have big penises, and guys with big cars have small penises

Now I understand why so many people are afraid pf clowns

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An attractive woman once asked if I was interested in breasts or thighs. I told her I'm mostly into feet and anal.

I am no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..

..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 fe...

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!"
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and ...

Did you know Alligators can grow up to 15 feet?

Most only have 4

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them

The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guy says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.”

“I don’t need to outrun the bear...

My Mom got mad at me for tickling my little brother's feet...

She was all like "Wait until he's born"

I was at a local bar, when a woman a few feet away from me sneezed.

Her glass eye came out, bounced once on the bar, and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you.

She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and an amazing smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me.

As she's getting ready to...

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they.... lactose.....

My Father Didn't Serve In Vietnam Because Of A Problem With His Feet

They were in Canada

Gandhi often walked barefoot wich produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet

He also ate very little making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

What do you call an aardvark that is three feet long?

A yardvark

Why did the emu lose all his friends when he grew a few feet taller?

Because he was ostrich sized.

What has 80 feet, 137 teeth and $72 in cash?

The front row of a Trump rally

A biologist, a physicist and a statistician go hunting and they see a deer 70 feet in front of them.

The biologist calculates the deer's movement and shoots 5 feet to the left of the deer because he forgot to calculate the speed of the wind..

The physicist calculates the speed of the wind and shoots 5 feet to the right of the deer because he didn't calculate the deer's movement.

The s...

My mum got really annoyed when I tried to tickle my little sister's feet...

she said something about 'waiting till she was born'.

My wife left me after I've had front parts of my feet sawn off.

Turns out she's lack toes intolerant.

My Aunt Betty lost both her feet in a tragic accident but she's still taller than her sister Susan which means Betty is...

Lack toes and taller Aunt.

Why is Russia planning to have Vladimir Putin buried 100 feet deep?

Because they all know that deep down he is a very good leader.

What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet

She said something about 'waiting until they're born'

At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me...

Guess I went a little too far with that joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso, when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one...

Behind the second hearse, was a solitary Italian man, walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am...

What does a guy with 2 right feet wear to the beach?

Flop-Flops

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you have a donkey and I have a rooster and your donkey eats the feet off my rooster what do you have?

Two feet of my cock in your ass?

I just saw this guy going up a hill with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit's feet.

I thought: “He’s pushing his luck!”

I was tickling my little sister's feet when mum wakes up and starts giving me a right earful.

Something about "Waiting until she's born".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: You're riding on a horse at high speed chasing a zebra. To your right is a sheer dropoff. Two feet to your left is a grizzly bear. Right on the heels of your horse is an angry lion. What do you do?

A: Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

I told the architect that the pool should be 6 feet deep

But he was working in metric and just couldn't fathom it

A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet...

But I can only walk so fast.

A man with two left feet goes into a shoe store...

...and asks the shop assistant: "Do you sell flip-flips?"

What do you call a potato with no feet?

5$ to the first person who guesses!

I had to break up with my girlfriend after I ran over her feet with a lawnmower...

I'm lactose intolerant.

Do you know why Ducks have big flat feet?

So they can stomp out forest fires.

Do you know why elephants have big flat feet?

So they can stomp out flaming Ducks.

Why do elephants have four feet?

Because eight inches isn't enough.

What do you call an Italian who has a thing for feet?

A fetishini

A sick Australian ornithologist was 60 feet up a tree, engrossed in two Jackdaws performing a convoluted mating dance in defiance of all known observations of the species, when he had a sudden coughing fit.

They say he died of corvid complications.

I won't stand for people with less than 10 digits on their feet.

I'm lack toes intolerant.

I got a date with a girl who said that she could get me back on my feet.

She stood me up.

In New York City, a fisherman reeled in a 250 pound catfish 6 feet 6 inches long.

I don't get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day.

Why are Dolly Parton’s feet so small?

They don’t get any sun.

John passed away, when he woke up, he was at the feet of Saint Peter -

\- with millions of clocks around the room.

Confused, he stood up and asked, "What are the clocks for?"

Saint Peter said to him, "These are the clocks of everyone in the world, they only move when someone lies."

So John goes to one and says, "Why has this one only moved twic...

The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks

I had to sell my car to pay the bill

What do you call a snake that is 3.14 feet long ?

A πthon

There is a man drowning 100 feet from shore and is crying for help.......

A Democrat shows up and throws him 200 feet of rope. The excess rope weighs the victim down and he drowns.

A Republican shows up and throws out 50 feet of rope and demands that the victim take some responsibility for himself and swim to the rope. He can’t and drowns.

A libertarian show...

What does a chemistry teacher says when gold bar fells on his/her feet?

Auuuuuuu!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits..

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide...

How many feet does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, I'm European

The real reason women don't like guys under 6 feet.

Dead people really struggle to hold a conversation.

Did you hear about the murder victim they found who's body was stretched out to 23 feet?

Poor guy was long dead.

Me: You’re shoes are on the wrong feet.

4yo:

Me:

4yo:

Me:

4yo: I don’t have any other feet.

Me: Fair enough.

How is it possible for anyone to wear Doc Martens on both feet?

isn't that a pairodocs?

I once killed an enemy soldier by cutting off his feet.

I defeated him.

My feet have been very supportive my entire life

They've held me up when I'm feeling down. They take me anywhere I want to go. And they always remind me when to take a break for myself.

It's not all good though, they just let me walk all over them.

I recently told my doctor that I cannot deal with people without feet.

He says I'm lack toes intolerant.

It's fine though, because from what I hear, they cannot stand themselves.

What lies on its back 100 feet in the air?

A centipede

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

Why do Canadian cowboys have sticky feet?

Maple Stirrups.

My feet are toasty, but I think my wife has a hearing problem...

After all, I'm not asking for socks every night

Every girl wants to be swept off her feet.

It's only when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out.

TIL: Units of measurement like feet and inches were originally based on the current monarch's sizes

That's why they were called rulers.

How tall are you cowboy? I’m six feet and seven inches, ma’am.

Let’s forget about the six feet and talk about your seven inches.

So what if I sell feet pics on the side?

So shoe me

A friend of mine cut off the tip of ants feet and attached stilts to their legs.

Now he has lack toes and taller ants...

What martial art is done using only your feet?

**Tofu**

My GF told me my foot fetish isn't because I love her feet

It's because my first crush was my sock

In order to help win their gang war, the Bloods in LA have started accepting the severed feet of their enemies as a form of payment.

They’re calling it Crip Toe Currency.

Why does an elephant have four feet?

Because six inches isn't going to satisfy a female elephant.

Sweep her off her feet!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Man you should have gotten here earlier," the bartender says. "Joe was having quite a night. We got to watch him sweep a pretty girl off her feet." "Well, that's no surprise," the guy replies. "He's always been an aggressive janitor."

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

I told my friend that he had his shoes on the wrong feet.

He said, "These are the only feet I have, genius."

Did you hear about the Jedi nun who kept accidentally picking up banthas, hundreds of feet into the air?

You can’t really blame her, it was force of habit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

Did you know you can tell if a girl likes you by looking at her feet?

If they are behind her head she really likes you.

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little ...

Big Feet

A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks the cowboy if what they say about men with big feet is true. The cowboy replies, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?" The woman is curi...

Gambling has really helped me get back on my feet

Because I lost my car in poker last night.

I get a lot of compliments about my feet...

Some say they're legends!...

Leg. Ends.

I'll see myself out!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see?

He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're twins! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting, but I ignored this and I went up to my friend's room,



“How are you mate?” I said.



“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my ...

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

What is 5 feet tall, has 22 legs and feigns death if you approach it up to two meters?

The Italy national football team.

What's six feet tall and has an enormous dong?

The liberty bell.

What do you call a nun 10,000 feet in the air?

Nun of the above

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the joke I'll go to hell for

A woman is giving birth. She pushes and pushes and finally the baby pops free. The doctor holds the baby up by its feet and declares, "it's a handsome baby boy!"

He then punches it in the head, throws it against the wall and runs over and jumps on it with both feet.

The horrified moth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man met this lady at a bar and they decided to go to her place to have sex after the bar closed...

They're in the bedroom and he takes off his shoes and
socks."My goodness what happened to you're feet?"She asks.

"I had tolio," He replied.
"Dont you mean polio?" She asks."No. This just affected my feet. It's called toelio."She thought nothing of it and continued to undress.
He tak...

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't wear shoes to protect his feet from the ground...



He wears them to protect the ground from his feet

Two redneck guys were sitting on a dock in Georgia, drinking beer and fishing with their feet dangling in the water.

One guy said, "Oh no. An alligator just bit one of my feet off." The other guy said, "Which one?" And the first guy said, "How should I know? All the alligators look alike."

A team of British archaeologists dug to a depth of 15 feet and found an intricate network of copper wires.

From this, the team concluded that the Britain was advanced enough to have telephone connections in their cities 150 years ago.

In response to this, American archaeologists started their own expedition. They dug up to a depth of 20 feet and found an even more expansive network of copper wires...

I think it's terrible when people get cold feet close to the date of a wedding and cancel

The right way to do it is to divorce many years later.

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.

"26 feet 6 inches" S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a cr...

Boss: You're 4 hours late! What's the matter?

Employee: I fell from the 2nd floor this morning.

Boss: That's 20 feet tall! It shouldn't take you more than 5 seconds!

What happens when you park your car 6.28 feet over the lines?

It gets tau'd.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

18000 feet

Distress at 18,000 feet.

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower's landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ejaculated six feet earlier.

Strange, usually I ejaculate semen.

If handball is played with your hands, and football is played with your feet ...

I don't think I want to learn how to play pickleball.

If you want to know if a girl is into you, look at her feet.

If they point away from you she's not interested, if they're behind her ears she's very interested.

A man was arrested for killing gang members, then cutting off their feet and taking them

When apprehended, the man said he had heard it was profitable to sell Crip toes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of 100$ bills

A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of $100 bills, so he asks the bartender why there is so much money in the jar.

The bartender replies that it is a bet and you have to pay $100 to partecipate. The bet consists in three tests:

The first test: You see that man sitting back there? ...

A Joke for any feet in the audience

Sock Sock

Shoe's there

I'm 12 feet taller than my grandparents.

I'm 6 feet tall and they're 6 feet under.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.

Then I was even sadder, because that lucky guy didn't even *need* shoes!

(not original, but I forget the source)

My wife has a thing for feet.

Nail scissors.

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy arrives in hell and crawls terrified at the feet of Satan.

Satan pets him and says in a soothing voice:

"Why, my good man, why are you so sad?"

The man explains that he is afraid of the torment that awaits him. The Devil then points to a nearby door.

"You see that door over there? Behind that door are as many luscious and horny women as...

Do you know why the unit of feet was once based on the foot of king Henry the 1st?

Cause he was the absolute ruler.

Feet go to heaven first

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

Paul was 6 feet tall, Bob was 5 feet tall, John was 5'5.

John was the mean one.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.