I’m going to freeze myself at a temperature of -273.15 degrees celsius.

My friend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll be 0K.

What is the average temperature in China?

451° F

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

What temperature do you need to kill a boomer?

0 K

At what temperature are babies born?

About womb temperature.

"Should we adopt the Kelvin temperature scale?"

"That would just make everything seem larger."

"Yeah, it is an absolute unit."

HIGH TEMPERATURES

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.

Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

What is the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?

Luke warm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Texas we don't measure temperature in degrees

It's either "hot as balls" or "cold as shit."

Did you hear about the guy whos temperature was absolute zero?

No, is he 0k?

Microsoft make software for health spas which controls the temperature in steam rooms.

It's called Steamy Windows.

I always turn my room temperature just below 70 degrees before I go to sleep. Why?

Because it doesn't get hotter than 69 in my bed.

What’s the best temperature to bake pie?

360 degrees.

My pregnant wife asked me if I was worried the temperature would be too hot for the baby inside her...

Putting her mind at ease I reassured her it’ll be womb temperature.

Trump said global warming was a hoax and he could easily make temperatures "the lowest ever recorded" this summer.

So he switched the US to Celsius.

if you put a man in a place where the temperature is -273.15°C for a while, will he be alright?

Yeah, he will be 0K.

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.


Henry was curious and invited them into his office.


...

I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza

I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature

Only SEVEN people die as temperatures as low as -42F wreak havoc across the American Midwest.

Apparently guns don't work in those temperatures.

What is a baby pepper's favorite temperature?

Just a little chili.

“Sorry about the temperature down the mine today”

“It’s coal man”

Do you know what the internal temperature of a tauntaun is?

Luke warm

Seemed appropriate with all the Hoth stuff floating around.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Drunk & the Bus Driver

This is a repost of one I've told for decades:

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus...

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed.

The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the esca...

What do R. Kelly and current temperatures have in common?

They're both in the teens.

My dad told me it was 69° outside...

I told him it was a nice temperature.

What do you do when your mother in law keeps banging on the window?

Raise the oven's temperature.

I asked a scientist what would happen if my body temperature hit absolute zero.

He said I'd be 0K

Request from a worried P*nis

I, the P\*nis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following

reasons:



1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. In fact holidays and weekends are when I to...

Someone important came to my house. I tried to make him a pizza with pineapples out of spite, but I burned it.

I should have put it on aloha temperature.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Diary of an Englishman after he moves to South Africa....

**August 1**: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally fo...

What do you use to take a cow's temperature?

A thermoometer.

I was boiling a pot of water on max temperature

It went from 0 to 100 real quick

P.S sorry Americans

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

When I learnt that the coldest temperature in the universe is 0 Kelvin, I thought to myself,

That's an absolute unit right there

My deaf-mute postman has such a tough job. He starts work at 3am. In summer he gets attacked by dogs and in winter he has to brave through sub-zero temperatures. But in spite of all this....

I’ve never heard him complain

When does an increase in degrees not lead to warmer temperatures?

When you get your Masters in Art History, but you still can't pay the heating bill

A man got cooled to absolute zero temperature.

Last heard, he's 0K now.

Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes

How do you bring beer to perfect serving temperature by angrily yelling at it?

I - SCOLD - BEER !

The average temperature outside Motown Records is

3 Degrees, 4 Tops

Person 1: Hey, you wanna guess the coldest temperature?

Person 2: OK
Person 1: well?
Person 2: OK
Person 1: ... are you going to guess?
Person 2: OK!
Person 1: Are you okay?
Person 2: No I’m actually about 37 C

My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C

Don't worry though, he's 0K.

An engineer dies and goes to hell.

When he gets down there and starts going through his punishment he get really tired of the constantly bad living conditions, so he starts working.

He makes an industrial air conditioner and gets the temperature under control.

He makes some industrial mining machines and clears the fo...

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

The devil, annoyed, storms away and goe...

How warm is a janitor's closet?

Broom Temperature.

If the average world temperature rises 2 degrees Celsius, mankind is doomed.

That is why America measures temperature in Fahrenheit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visited the doctor

The doctor checked his temperature with a thermometer, they were having a chat.

The doctor said ‘Mercury is in Uranus’. The patient replied ‘I’m not into that astrology stuff’. The doctor said ‘me neither, my thermometer just broke’

Helium walks into a bar.

Or, rather than walks, floats; for helium, at room temperature, is a gas, and thus has no legs with which to walk, and, due to its lighter-than-air nature, does not sink to the ground. The bartender himself is confused, for not only is helium invisible to the naked eye in the absence of another obje...

Whats the temperature inside of a ton-ton?

Lukewarm.

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