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Temperature Jokes

What do you a call a fat lady who can tell the temperature?

Yourmometer

when you visit America, what will the temperature of the water be?

It depends what state it's in

I like my temperature like I like my Rock and Roll.

67 to 73.

Why are California almond farmers so concerned about the record cold temperatures?

They don't want their nuts to freeze off.

The perpetrator killed the victim by keeping him in a temperature chamber set to 1C

The sentence was first degree murder.

A man who was attempting an arctic expedition died in his sleep when the temperature dropped…

… because he had bought low-budget equipment. Everyone told him his gear wasn’t suitable. He didn’t realise it was a poor tent of doom.

found on an e-mail from2004 from my uncle who has sinced passed r.i.p. jack!(long,somewhat nsfw)

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now enjoy it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives of...

A Winnipeg man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, "Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here."

The man says, "No problem. I'm from Winnipeg."

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then...

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Dick tattoo ideas

Get a thermometer made on your dick
Something funny to say to a girl with whom you're having consensual sex.
Me- Girl you look sick, would you like me to take your temperature?

Sven and Ole go to hell

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust h...

It was July 17, 1946

The temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, had invented the first automobile air-conditioner.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were t...

What is the temperature inside of a tauntaun?

Luke warm

I complained about the temperature at work for a month...

And then one day a maintenance person showed me where the thermostat was and how to open it up, set temps, and diagnose basic issues... Told me not to set it below 70 for too long though or she'd lock me back out again. This work from home office staff is really rude.

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The Sami temperature scale

(ed: the Sami are an indigineous people living in the northern parts of Scandinavia, also called Lapland)

+10°C: Inhabitants of Helsinki turn off the heat. The Sami plant flowers.

+5°C: If the sun rises over the horizon, it's sunbathing time for the Sami

+2°C: Italian cars won't...

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At her annual checkup the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that it's necessary to take her temperature rectally.

She bends over the examining table but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's NOT my rectum!"

Said the doctor, "That's not my thermometer!"

Just then the woman's husband comes into the room. "What the hell is going on here?" he demands.

"I'm taking your wife's te...

2 hunters, Bill and Tom, were out in the Blue Mountains one wintery day – looking for some feral game.

After nearly an entire day without a sighting they spotted a herd of feral goats and started stalking.

So excited & intent were they on their targets that one of them, Bill, didn't watch his footing and had the misfortune to trip and fall off a 12m cliff. Tom found him at the bottom in g...

I’m going to freeze myself at a temperature of -273.15 degrees celsius.

My friend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll be 0K.

Over the next day, Oregon is expected to break the hottest temperatures ever recorded in its entire history, some places as hot as 118°F (47.78°C)

NOT cool.

Have you heard of the American temperature doctor?

His degree was in Fahrenheit.

PSA: don't let them scan your forehead temperature at the grocery, it's mind control!

I came in to get eggs and bread, left with a bottle of whisky

What’s the internal temperature of a tauntaun?

Lukewarm

When asked the temperature I enjoy giving it in Kelvin.

I’m losing my friends by degrees.

Star Wars Trivia: What is the internal Temperature of a TaunTaun?

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Luke-Warm

Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

How did Juliet maintain constant temperature?

Romeostasis.

In what way is ice cream like a first date?

You're a psychopath if you eat either at room temperature.

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Official outdoor temperature scale

Official outdoor temperature scale:

+10 Residents of Vilnius apartments wear sweaters and put on wool socks. The Finns plant flowers.

+5 Finns sunbathe in the sun.

+2 Italian cars don’t start.

0 Distilled water freezes.

-1 Breathing becomes visible. It's time ...

Every overcooked a Hawaiian pizza?

Should have put it on aloha temperature

What never changes temperature despite how cold or warm the air is?

A right angle. It's always 90 degrees.

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He asked me "oral or anal?"

I said "oral," so he sticks it in my mouth. After he was done taking my temperature, we moved on to blood pressure.

I mixed up the temperature units when doing my Physics test

As a result, I got an absolute zero.

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There’s apparently an optimal temperature for sex

Usually its too hot or too cold though, it never seems to be the right fucking temperature

A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18

The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.

Two Canadians

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Sat...

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I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary

I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has...

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This dude dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter sees him show up and says “Holy shit, you’re the first person that’s ever come up here that’s exactly at 50% good and 50% evil. Not sure if I should send you to Heaven or Hell. This is crazy. Tell you what, since you’re exactly even I’m gonna let you choose”.

The dude says “Oh, wow...

My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C

Don't worry though, he's 0K.

Hey, do you want to come back to my place and regulate our body temperatures using external sources?

No hom(e)o(stasis)

At what temperature are babies born?

About womb temperature.

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

Mandatory temperature checks will be required for attending the Foreigner reunion concert

If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see

Scientists have invented a bomb that explodes when the temperature hits absolute zero

It's called the "0K Boomer"

if you put a man in a place where the temperature is -273.15°C for a while, will he be alright?

Yeah, he will be 0K.

I always turn my room temperature just below 70 degrees before I go to sleep. Why?

Because it doesn't get hotter than 69 in my bed.

Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes

Why does God tell temperatures only in Kelvins and not Celsius or Fahrenheit?

Because God's words are absolute.

"Should we adopt the Kelvin temperature scale?"

"That would just make everything seem larger."

"Yeah, it is an absolute unit."

What do u give a dog that has high temperature?

Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog

What is the average temperature in China?

451° F

There's usually workers at supermarkets who temperature probe incoming deliveries

It's to make sure the temperature is below the required level and the produce hasn't spoiled.

They don't get paid for doing this, they just do it probe ono

My pregnant wife asked me if I was worried the temperature would be too hot for the baby inside her...

Putting her mind at ease I reassured her it’ll be womb temperature.

I just found out that there are at least three different ways that temperature is measured

I learned about it from my local K-F-C

A man dies and goes to hell

Because all the other torture chambers are full, the Devil puts him to hard labor.

A few hours pass, and the Devil returns to see how the torture is going. But the man is smiling and hardly working a sweat.

"Why haven't you given up yet? It's been at least 6 hours." The Devil asks him....

Golfing

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in...

It’s significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures

I’ve read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events

A Canadian research team has made history by freezing mice to temperatures of absolute zero.

Animal rights groups are outraged by the cruel tests performed on the animals.

But they’ll be 0K.

What's the average temperature at Motown Records?

Three Degrees, Four Tops.

What do you use to take a cow's temperature?

A thermoometer.

I got sent home from work today because I failed the temperature test today.

I dropped my pants and bent over.

They should have said it was a thermal scan!

My girlfriend is like the temperature of a molecule.

Doesn't exist by definition.

A man got cooled to absolute zero temperature.

Last heard, he's 0K now.

What's Darth Vader's least favorite temperature?

Luke warm.

^^im ^^sorry

A chicken farmers’ chickens suddenly stop laying eggs one day…

He waits until the next day and still no eggs. A week goes by and still no eggs.

Worriedly, he calls a friend that is a biologist. The biologist comes over and takes temperatures of the chickens, takes stool samples and blood samples, and goes back to his lab. A week later the biologist ...

Do you know what the internal temperature of a tauntaun is?

Luke warm

Seemed appropriate with all the Hoth stuff floating around.

To all the Europeans suffering from the current heat wave, here is a reminder to stay strong.

Your ancestors colonized entire countries in much higher temperatures.

If the average world temperature rises 2 degrees Celsius, mankind is doomed.

That is why America measures temperature in Fahrenheit.

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In Texas we don't measure temperature in degrees

It's either "hot as balls" or "cold as shit."

Only SEVEN people die as temperatures as low as -42F wreak havoc across the American Midwest.

Apparently guns don't work in those temperatures.

I like Florida.

Everything is in the 80s: The people, the temperature, and the average IQ.

The temperature is so cold outside...

that if you make your girlfriend wet, you also make her hard.

What device is best to measure a mother's temperature?

A ther-mom-meter

From my 10 year old who had the flu the past couple of days.

What do you call a sea that prefers the temperature outside to be between 31.2 °C and 33.1 °C?

The Specific Ocean.

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A woman was reading Cosmo next to her husband…

“Walter,” she said.

Walter grunted; she continued “Let me read you this hot sex tip I just read in Cosmo. I think we should try it.”

“Girls, you know your boy toy has fun with you in the bedroom, and that he’s never going to complain. But even the hunkiest hunk can get tired of the...

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There were these three guys at the lake, a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian.

The German took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and told the others: "I can feel the water it's a 32 degrees Celsius".


The other two were amazed. "Let me try", the Englishman said. So he put his organ in the water, waited and said: "To be more exact, the temperature i...

What temperature do you need to kill a boomer?

0 K

“Sorry about the temperature down the mine today”

“It’s coal man”

What is a baby pepper's favorite temperature?

Just a little chili.

I asked a scientist what would happen if my body temperature hit absolute zero.

He said I'd be 0K

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So Putin, Biden and Zelensky Goes to A Boat Trip...

They got stuck in the middle of the ocean, not a single land on sight. After a few hours, they decide to swim back, but they were afraid of hypothermia.

Putin puts his finger into water and says "The water is approximately 32°C".

Biden puts his finger into water and arrogantly says "No...

What do R. Kelly and current temperatures have in common?

They're both in the teens.

News: Trump inauguration met with record high temperatures.

451 degrees Fahrenheit.

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How many medical professionals does it take to change alight bulb?

One nurse to check the temperature of the bulb. One GP to suspect the bulb is burnt out. One specialist to confirm the diagnosis. A surgeon and an anesthesiologist for this major organ transplant. A team of nurses and PAs to aid in the surgery. And a physical therapist to aid in the socket's recover...

Trump said global warming was a hoax and he could easily make temperatures "the lowest ever recorded" this summer.

So he switched the US to Celsius.

When does an increase in degrees not lead to warmer temperatures?

When you get your Masters in Art History, but you still can't pay the heating bill

Whats a baby's favourite temperature?

Womb tempertaure

HIGH TEMPERATURES

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.

Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

Importance

A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. S...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

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