What do u give a dog that has high temperature?

Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog

I just found out that there are at least three different ways that temperature is measured

I learned about it from my local K-F-C

What's the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?

Lukewarm

What's the average temperature at Motown Records?

Three Degrees, Four Tops.

I’m going to freeze myself at a temperature of -273.15 degrees celsius.

My friend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll be 0K.

Scientists have invented a bomb that explodes when the temperature hits absolute zero

It's called the "0K Boomer".

It doesnt matter what temperature a room is.

it's always room temperature.

At what temperature are babies born?

About womb temperature.

What temperature do you need to kill a boomer?

0 K

What is the average temperature in China?

451° F

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, and go to Hell.

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust ha...

The Canadians get sent to hell

So the rapture happens and all the Canadians get sent to hell because they didn’t hold the door or say sorry enough and the devil sees them celebrating. Bothered by this he asks “you’rein hell why are you celebrating“ and the Canadians respond “it’s like minus thirty where we live this is awesome. A...

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A Toronto man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Toronto.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then ...

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A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange.

A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange. The man looks healthy enough, dressed well, clean shaven, etc., but when the doctor asks him to pull down his pants, sure enough, his penis is bright orange! The doctor has never seen a case like this before, so he begins to...

I always turn my room temperature just below 70 degrees before I go to sleep. Why?

Because it doesn't get hotter than 69 in my bed.

HIGH TEMPERATURES

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.

Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Texas we don't measure temperature in degrees

It's either "hot as balls" or "cold as shit."

Hell explained by a Chemistry student

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which so...

Two Leafs fans die and go to hell

The devil greets them at the gate and shows them to their new home. Having lived in northern Ontario their whole lives, the two men are excited to enjoy hell's warmer climate. They immediately shed a few layers and kick back with a couple cold beers. The devil, none too pleased with their enthusiasm...

One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How...

What’s the best temperature to bake pie?

360 degrees.

My pregnant wife asked me if I was worried the temperature would be too hot for the baby inside her...

Putting her mind at ease I reassured her it’ll be womb temperature.

if you put a man in a place where the temperature is -273.15°C for a while, will he be alright?

Yeah, he will be 0K.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.


Henry was curious and invited them into his office.


...

Only SEVEN people die as temperatures as low as -42F wreak havoc across the American Midwest.

Apparently guns don't work in those temperatures.

Do you know what the internal temperature of a tauntaun is?

Luke warm

Seemed appropriate with all the Hoth stuff floating around.

A newly hired doctor is visiting the insane asylum he'll be working in for the first time

During the tour he sees a man alone in a room, standing completely naked except for the top hat on his head. His curiosity is piqued and he asks to have a brief interview with the patient.


"Excuse me sir," the doctor asked, "if you don't mind me asking, why aren't you wearing clothes?"...

What do R. Kelly and current temperatures have in common?

They're both in the teens.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite...

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Two old Minnesota farmers talking about the weather.

One asks the other if he knows the temperature outside. The other one days "At 70+ degrees, my dick's name is Robert. 50 degrees, it's Bobby. 20 degrees, it's Bob. I'm not sure, but right now Roberta says it's damn cold outside.

Trump said global warming was a hoax and he could easily make temperatures "the lowest ever recorded" this summer.

So he switched the US to Celsius.

What is a baby pepper's favorite temperature?

Just a little chili.

“Sorry about the temperature down the mine today”

“It’s coal man”

I asked a scientist what would happen if my body temperature hit absolute zero.

He said I'd be 0K

What do you use to take a cow's temperature?

A thermoometer.

How do you know if you'll like sailing?

Put on a thick yellow raincoat, and stuff it with hundred dollar bills. Step into the shower, turn it on full blast and it's coldest temperature, and just start stuffing those bills down the drain. If you've managed to somehow enjoy yourself doing this, you might just be crazy enough to enjoy sailin...

I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza

I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature

A man got cooled to absolute zero temperature.

Last heard, he's 0K now.

I was boiling a pot of water on max temperature

It went from 0 to 100 real quick

P.S sorry Americans

When I learnt that the coldest temperature in the universe is 0 Kelvin, I thought to myself,

That's an absolute unit right there

My deaf-mute postman has such a tough job. He starts work at 3am. In summer he gets attacked by dogs and in winter he has to brave through sub-zero temperatures. But in spite of all this....

I’ve never heard him complain

The other day I was visiting my 105-year–old grandfather in the nursing home.

I was asking him about what his marriage was like; he was married for 65 years before his wife died.

"Grandpa, what was it like being married for so long?" I asked.

He was getting to that point where he would often just kind of doze off or drift away mid-conversation, so I gave him a f...

Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes

My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C

Don't worry though, he's 0K.

Request from a worried P*nis

I, the P\*nis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following

reasons:



1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. In fact holidays and weekends are when I to...

What do you call a sandwich that is not well-liked at cold temperature?

A BRRRRR GRRRRR!

How do you bring beer to perfect serving temperature by angrily yelling at it?

I - SCOLD - BEER !

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

When does an increase in degrees not lead to warmer temperatures?

When you get your Masters in Art History, but you still can't pay the heating bill

Person 1: Hey, you wanna guess the coldest temperature?

Person 2: OK
Person 1: well?
Person 2: OK
Person 1: ... are you going to guess?
Person 2: OK!
Person 1: Are you okay?
Person 2: No I’m actually about 37 C

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The Drunk & the Bus Driver

This is a repost of one I've told for decades:

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus...

After a long hard day my wife asked to cook her an Hawaiian pizza!

She wasn’t to happy to see i’d burnt her dinner, after all I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature!

My dad told me it was 69° outside...

I told him it was a nice temperature.

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed.

The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the esca...

If the average world temperature rises 2 degrees Celsius, mankind is doomed.

That is why America measures temperature in Fahrenheit.

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

The devil, annoyed, storms away and goe...

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

Whats the temperature inside of a ton-ton?

Lukewarm.

What's Darth Vader's least favorite temperature?

Luke warm.

^^im ^^sorry

What device is best to measure a mother's temperature?

A ther-mom-meter

From my 10 year old who had the flu the past couple of days.

News: Trump inauguration met with record high temperatures.

451 degrees Fahrenheit.

An engineer dies and goes to hell.

When he gets down there and starts going through his punishment he get really tired of the constantly bad living conditions, so he starts working.

He makes an industrial air conditioner and gets the temperature under control.

He makes some industrial mining machines and clears the fo...

A devout Christian man living in New Orleans refuses to leave his home after hearing news of an imminent hurricane and flood.

A richly devout Christian man lives alone in New Orleans. He keeps to himself mostly, isolating himself in prayer and self-reflection with little care for the outside world.


One day, the man notices it growing dark outside earlier than normal. He steps outside and feels the wind has pick...

How warm is a janitor's closet?

Broom Temperature.

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Diary of an Englishman after he moves to South Africa....

**August 1**: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally fo...

Someone important came to my house. I tried to make him a pizza with pineapples out of spite, but I burned it.

I should have put it on aloha temperature.

My girlfriend is like the temperature of a molecule.

Doesn't exist by definition.

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A man visited the doctor

The doctor checked his temperature with a thermometer, they were having a chat.

The doctor said ‘Mercury is in Uranus’. The patient replied ‘I’m not into that astrology stuff’. The doctor said ‘me neither, my thermometer just broke’

What do you call a sea that prefers the temperature outside to be between 31.2 °C and 33.1 °C?

The Specific Ocean.

A very religious man's child was caught with measles....

The man put the child in his bed and trusted God to rescue him. A neighbor came by and said, “His temperature will soon be too high and will cause irreparable health problems, let me give him some medicine.”


“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will ...

A: Took my temperature today.

B: Oh really?
A: No, rectally.

So my ex wife was sick in the hospital and I decide to visit her.

She was complaining that her body temperature has dropped below 30. So I told her not to worry since it's a standard body temperature for snakes.

Why are normal human body temperatures around 98.7*F?

Because we're all a little obtuse.

Helium walks into a bar.

Or, rather than walks, floats; for helium, at room temperature, is a gas, and thus has no legs with which to walk, and, due to its lighter-than-air nature, does not sink to the ground. The bartender himself is confused, for not only is helium invisible to the naked eye in the absence of another obje...

How did the necrophiliac like his food served?

The same way he liked his women...room temperature.

The Biology Exam.

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'.

The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

However, he wrote:

1) I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's Hot Outside...

Temperatures are so high that my testicles hit a new low...

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