I mixed up the temperature units when doing my Physics test

As a result, I got an absolute zero.

My uncle died of hypothermia. Robbers took him and locked him inside a freezer of which the temperature was just slightly below 4 degrees.

It was the worst case of 3rd degree murder I've ever heard of.

What is the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?

Luke warm.

What’s the temperature in a taun taun?

lukewarm

Credit to my friend James for that.

A woman had male and female dogs. She noticed the female dog had a bit of a temperature. Not wanting the male dog catch the lurgies.......

She thought about keeping them separated. But she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to dis...

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to He...

A Canadian research team has made history by freezing mice to temperatures of absolute zero.

Animal rights groups are outraged by the cruel tests performed on the animals.

But they’ll be 0K.

It’s significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures

I’ve read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

I’m going to freeze myself at a temperature of -273.15 degrees celsius.

My friend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll be 0K.

Mandatory temperature checks will be required for attending the Foreigner reunion concert

If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see

I got sent home from work today because I failed the temperature test today.

I dropped my pants and bent over.

They should have said it was a thermal scan!

Scientists have invented a bomb that explodes when the temperature hits absolute zero

It's called the "0K Boomer".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Scotsmen go to Hell

[I know this joke has been shared a few times before but I thought I would share my Scottish cultural adaptation of it]

A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"

The devil says "Glaswegians? T...

It doesnt matter what temperature a room is.

it's always room temperature.

"Should we adopt the Kelvin temperature scale?"

"That would just make everything seem larger."

"Yeah, it is an absolute unit."

What temperature do you need to kill a boomer?

0 K

What do u give a dog that has high temperature?

Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

I just found out that there are at least three different ways that temperature is measured

I learned about it from my local K-F-C

What is the average temperature in China?

451° F

At what temperature are babies born?

About womb temperature.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Well, it finally happened today, I knew it would eventually so I was ready.

I came out of Walmart with my mask on and keeping six feet away from everyone, I pushed my cart to my car, all the while wearing my face mask. A woman was getting out of her car next to me with no mask. As I'm putting groceries into my car she says, "Let me guess - you're a liberal - ‘cause that ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At ...

Warning.

Don't let them take your forehead temperature at the supermarket, because it erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese.

And came home with two cases of beer.

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.



The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"

The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of re...

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza the other night

I should have put it on aloha temperature

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Texas we don't measure temperature in degrees

It's either "hot as balls" or "cold as shit."

A burglar is sneaking out of a house...

Waiting outside are two cops. One points a can of pepper spray at the criminal.

"FREEZE IMMEDIATELY OR I WILL USE FORCE!"

The burglar nods, puts his hands up and stands still. After a few seconds, the cop steps forward and touches his arm. Suddenly looking confused and angry, the cop s...

So I work for a local search and rescue team in my small town, and this guy from the big city decides to come do some kayaking on the river.

He doesn't know the area and gets himself lost. All he does know is that there are a lot of grizzly bears roaming around during the salmon spawn this time of year, so he's quite afraid to get out of his kayak.


The temperature starts to drop. He needs to stay warm, and decides to build a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The International Council of Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scientist walks into a doctor's office to inquire about his fever.

The doctor asks the scientist to lay down and drop his pants, which the scientist does without question.

The doctor asks about the scientists field of work to which he replies "astronomy my dear boy". The doctor was overjoyed at this response as space had always interested him.


T...

I always turn my room temperature just below 70 degrees before I go to sleep. Why?

Because it doesn't get hotter than 69 in my bed.

HIGH TEMPERATURES

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.

Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

if you put a man in a place where the temperature is -273.15°C for a while, will he be alright?

Yeah, he will be 0K.

You Know What Really Makes My Blood Boil?

Temperatures Of Over 100 Degrees Celsius.

There once was a village whose mayors were all named Benny and had magnificent beards

Legend held that if a mayor shaved his beard off, an ancient curse would transform him into a piece of pottery.

Centuries passed and every Benny was a fair and wise mayor, and never shaved their beards. But one summer, their land was struck by a terrible heat wave. All the men of the villag...

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.


Henry was curious and invited them into his office.


...

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, and go to Hell.

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust ha...

What do you use to take a cow's temperature?

A thermoometer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a major asshole to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth...

What’s the best temperature to bake pie?

360 degrees.

Only SEVEN people die as temperatures as low as -42F wreak havoc across the American Midwest.

Apparently guns don't work in those temperatures.

Do you know what the internal temperature of a tauntaun is?

Luke warm

Seemed appropriate with all the Hoth stuff floating around.

What do R. Kelly and current temperatures have in common?

They're both in the teens.

My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C

Don't worry though, he's 0K.

The Canadians get sent to hell

So the rapture happens and all the Canadians get sent to hell because they didn’t hold the door or say sorry enough and the devil sees them celebrating. Bothered by this he asks “you’rein hell why are you celebrating“ and the Canadians respond “it’s like minus thirty where we live this is awesome. A...

Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes

My pregnant wife asked me if I was worried the temperature would be too hot for the baby inside her...

Putting her mind at ease I reassured her it’ll be womb temperature.

Trump said global warming was a hoax and he could easily make temperatures "the lowest ever recorded" this summer.

So he switched the US to Celsius.

“Sorry about the temperature down the mine today”

“It’s coal man”

What is a baby pepper's favorite temperature?

Just a little chili.

I asked a scientist what would happen if my body temperature hit absolute zero.

He said I'd be 0K

A man got cooled to absolute zero temperature.

Last heard, he's 0K now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange.

A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange. The man looks healthy enough, dressed well, clean shaven, etc., but when the doctor asks him to pull down his pants, sure enough, his penis is bright orange! The doctor has never seen a case like this before, so he begins to...

Quarantine - Day 34

**Weather Report**

Room Temperature

A man drives his new car back to the dealership...

And he says "the car I bought last week doesn't work at night". So a mechanic tries starting the car with the lights already on. Then, he tried again but turning the lights on with the engine running. Nothing goes wrong, the mechanic explains that he can come back and get a different car if it has t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Toronto man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Toronto.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then ...

Have you heard of Boyle's Law?

It's a law stating that the pressure of a given mass of an ideal gas is inversely proportional to its volume at a constant temperature.

Now building on top of that, have you ever heard of Cole's Law?

It's a salad dish of raw cabbage, carrots, and other vegetables mixed with mayonnaise

How do you bring beer to perfect serving temperature by angrily yelling at it?

I - SCOLD - BEER !

I was boiling a pot of water on max temperature

It went from 0 to 100 real quick

P.S sorry Americans

When does an increase in degrees not lead to warmer temperatures?

When you get your Masters in Art History, but you still can't pay the heating bill

Person 1: Hey, you wanna guess the coldest temperature?

Person 2: OK
Person 1: well?
Person 2: OK
Person 1: ... are you going to guess?
Person 2: OK!
Person 1: Are you okay?
Person 2: No I’m actually about 37 C

Pandemic dating is weird. Last night I asked a girl at the grocery store for her digits ...

And she wrote down her temperature.

I was in an airport

A woman was taking my temperature because of the coronavirus

I was 1.8 meters and she was 1.5 meters, so I got down in knee just for her to take my temperature , and everyone started clapping


They thought that I was proposing

Driving home my wife asked if the heated seats were broken.

I told her I turned them on for dinner asked what temperature she preheated to. She didn’t think it was as funny as I did.

What's Darth Vader's least favorite temperature?

Luke warm.

^^im ^^sorry

After a check-up routine in the quarantine facility one morning,

a doctor notices one of the patients unusually calm and calls the nurse in charge.

Doctor: "That patient in the corner is recovering now, isn't he?"

Nurse: "Why do you say so doc? His temperature isn't that encouraging."

Doctor: "He is neither coughing nor sneezing anymore."
...

If the average world temperature rises 2 degrees Celsius, mankind is doomed.

That is why America measures temperature in Fahrenheit.

The average temperature outside Motown Records is

3 Degrees, 4 Tops

My girlfriend is like the temperature of a molecule.

Doesn't exist by definition.

What device is best to measure a mother's temperature?

A ther-mom-meter

From my 10 year old who had the flu the past couple of days.

News: Trump inauguration met with record high temperatures.

451 degrees Fahrenheit.

Two Leafs fans die and go to hell

The devil greets them at the gate and shows them to their new home. Having lived in northern Ontario their whole lives, the two men are excited to enjoy hell's warmer climate. They immediately shed a few layers and kick back with a couple cold beers. The devil, none too pleased with their enthusiasm...

What do you call a sea that prefers the temperature outside to be between 31.2 °C and 33.1 °C?

The Specific Ocean.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite...

Request from a worried P*nis

I, the P\*nis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following

reasons:



1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. In fact holidays and weekends are when I to...

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

A newly hired doctor is visiting the insane asylum he'll be working in for the first time

During the tour he sees a man alone in a room, standing completely naked except for the top hat on his head. His curiosity is piqued and he asks to have a brief interview with the patient.


"Excuse me sir," the doctor asked, "if you don't mind me asking, why aren't you wearing clothes?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old Minnesota farmers talking about the weather.

One asks the other if he knows the temperature outside. The other one days "At 70+ degrees, my dick's name is Robert. 50 degrees, it's Bobby. 20 degrees, it's Bob. I'm not sure, but right now Roberta says it's damn cold outside.

How do you know if you'll like sailing?

Put on a thick yellow raincoat, and stuff it with hundred dollar bills. Step into the shower, turn it on full blast and it's coldest temperature, and just start stuffing those bills down the drain. If you've managed to somehow enjoy yourself doing this, you might just be crazy enough to enjoy sailin...

A: Took my temperature today.

B: Oh really?
A: No, rectally.

How warm is a janitor's closet?

Broom Temperature.

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