A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

I’m going to freeze myself at a temperature of -273.15 degrees celsius.

My friend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll be 0K.

I always turn my room temperature just below 70 degrees before I go to sleep. Why?

Because it doesn't get hotter than 69 in my bed.

What temperature is room temperature on Tatooine?

Luke Warm

Did you hear about the guy whos temperature was absolute zero?

No, is he 0k?

What's the internal body temperature of a tauntaun?

Lukewarm

Trump said global warming was a hoax and he could easily make temperatures "the lowest ever recorded" this summer.

So he switched the US to Celsius.

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

if you put a man in a place where the temperature is -273.15°C for a while, will he be alright?

Yeah, he will be 0K.

“Sorry about the temperature down the mine today”

“It’s coal man”

What is a baby pepper's favorite temperature?

Just a little chili.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.


Henry was curious and invited them into his office.


...

Only SEVEN people die as temperatures as low as -42F wreak havoc across the American Midwest.

Apparently guns don't work in those temperatures.

My pregnant wife asked me if I was worried the temperature would be too hot for the baby inside her...

Putting her mind at ease I reassured her it’ll be womb temperature.

How warm is a janitor's closet?

Broom Temperature.

Do you know what the internal temperature of a tauntaun is?

Luke warm

Seemed appropriate with all the Hoth stuff floating around.

I asked a scientist what would happen if my body temperature hit absolute zero.

He said I'd be 0K

What do R. Kelly and current temperatures have in common?

They're both in the teens.

When I learnt that the coldest temperature in the universe is 0 Kelvin, I thought to myself,

That's an absolute unit right there

The average temperature outside Motown Records is

3 Degrees, 4 Tops

I was boiling a pot of water on max temperature

It went from 0 to 100 real quick

P.S sorry Americans

When does an increase in degrees not lead to warmer temperatures?

When you get your Masters in Art History, but you still can't pay the heating bill

What do you use to take a cow's temperature?

A thermoometer.

A man got cooled to absolute zero temperature.

Last heard, he's 0K now.

If the average world temperature rises 2 degrees Celsius, mankind is doomed.

That is why America measures temperature in Fahrenheit.

My deaf-mute postman has such a tough job. He starts work at 3am. In summer he gets attacked by dogs and in winter he has to brave through sub-zero temperatures. But in spite of all this....

I’ve never heard him complain

Person 1: Hey, you wanna guess the coldest temperature?

Person 2: OK
Person 1: well?
Person 2: OK
Person 1: ... are you going to guess?
Person 2: OK!
Person 1: Are you okay?
Person 2: No I’m actually about 37 C

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, yo...

Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes

If your body temperature decreased to -273 C°...

...you will still be 0K.

My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C

Don't worry though, he's 0K.

What temperature is best for helping babies grow?

Womb temperature.

Whats the temperature inside of a ton-ton?

Lukewarm.

What's Darth Vader's least favorite temperature?

Luke warm.

^^im ^^sorry

News: Trump inauguration met with record high temperatures.

451 degrees Fahrenheit.

What do you call a sea that prefers the temperature outside to be between 31.2 °C and 33.1 °C?

The Specific Ocean.

What device is best to measure a mother's temperature?

A ther-mom-meter

From my 10 year old who had the flu the past couple of days.

My girlfriend is like the temperature of a molecule.

Doesn't exist by definition.

A: Took my temperature today.

B: Oh really?
A: No, rectally.

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

Why are normal human body temperatures around 98.7*F?

Because we're all a little obtuse.

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today...

Should of put it on aloha temperature

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

Whats a baby's favourite temperature?

Womb tempertaure

My grandfather used to tell me this one all the time, it's cheesy but a classic to me.

A wealthy man walks into a very very expensive restaurant with his guests. The waiter comes over and asks him "what would you like?" The man says, "give me the most expensive steak on the menu."

A bit later the stake comes out. A hundred dollar steak. He tastes it. He calls the waiter over. T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Sami temperature scale

(ed: the Sami are an indigineous people living in the northern parts of Scandinavia, also called Lapland)

+10°C: Inhabitants of Helsinki turn off the heat. The Sami plant flowers.

+5°C: If the sun rises over the horizon, it's sunbathing time for the Sami

+2°C: Italian cars won't...

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

The devil, annoyed, storms away and goe...

How did the necrophiliac like his food served?

The same way he liked his women...room temperature.

So my ex wife was sick in the hospital and I decide to visit her.

She was complaining that her body temperature has dropped below 30. So I told her not to worry since it's a standard body temperature for snakes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's Hot Outside...

Temperatures are so high that my testicles hit a new low...

A Miami man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Miami.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then go...

I thought my unborn baby might have a fever, so I stuck in a thermometer.

Turns out she was womb-temperature.

A very religious man's child was caught with measles....

The man put the child in his bed and trusted God to rescue him. A neighbor came by and said, “His temperature will soon be too high and will cause irreparable health problems, let me give him some medicine.”


“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will ...

The Biology Exam.

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'.

The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

However, he wrote:

1) I...

Saw a good one earlier and got inspired to do something similar

I'll give it try. Since this is my first ever post on this sub, I hope you guys let me down easy.


One day, Larry walked past a TV store. On the screen of the fattest flat-screen TV, a national news-broadcast was running a story about an object from outer space on a collision course with E...

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer.

The taste.

Posted this because one daughter just tried to take her temperature with a rectal thermometer and asked why it tasted funny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some kids are cool... Other kids are hot...

But I’m in the fucking middle being damn room temperature

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