UPJOKE
coldcelsiusfahrenheitheatabsolute zerothermometerkelvincoldnesscoolhotcalorimetrycentigrademoleculemercuryinternal energy

I’m going to freeze myself at a temperature of -273.15 degrees celsius.

My friend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll be 0K.

when you visit America, what will the temperature of the water be?

It depends what state it's in

What's the internal temperature of a tauntaun?

Luke Warm.

May the 4th Be With You!

My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C

Don't worry though, he's 0K.

How do you measure a non-binary person’s temperature?

With a themometer!

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There’s apparently an optimal temperature for sex

Usually its too hot or too cold though, it never seems to be the right fucking temperature

Star Wars Trivia: What is the internal Temperature of a TaunTaun?

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Luke-Warm

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The Sami temperature scale

(ed: the Sami are an indigineous people living in the northern parts of Scandinavia, also called Lapland)

+10°C: Inhabitants of Helsinki turn off the heat. The Sami plant flowers.

+5°C: If the sun rises over the horizon, it's sunbathing time for the Sami

+2°C: Italian cars won't...

I complained about the temperature at work for a month...

And then one day a maintenance person showed me where the thermostat was and how to open it up, set temps, and diagnose basic issues... Told me not to set it below 70 for too long though or she'd lock me back out again. This work from home office staff is really rude.

Why are California almond farmers so concerned about the record cold temperatures?

They don't want their nuts to freeze off.

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Official outdoor temperature scale

Official outdoor temperature scale:

+10 Residents of Vilnius apartments wear sweaters and put on wool socks. The Finns plant flowers.

+5 Finns sunbathe in the sun.

+2 Italian cars don’t start.

0 Distilled water freezes.

-1 Breathing becomes visible. It's time ...

PSA: don't let them scan your forehead temperature at the grocery, it's mind control!

I came in to get eggs and bread, left with a bottle of whisky

What do you a call a fat lady who can tell the temperature?

Yourmometer

What do u give a dog that has high temperature?

Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

What temperature is a baby when it is born?

Womb temperature!

I like my temperature like I like my Rock and Roll.

67 to 73.

A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18

The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

My girlfriend is like the temperature of a molecule.

Doesn't exist by definition.

Have you heard of the American temperature doctor?

His degree was in Fahrenheit.

What's the average temperature at Motown Records?

Three Degrees, Four Tops.

I mixed up the temperature units when doing my Physics test

As a result, I got an absolute zero.

When asked the temperature I enjoy giving it in Kelvin.

I’m losing my friends by degrees.

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

An Ottawa man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”
The man says, “No problem. I’m from Ottawa.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes ...

A man who was attempting an arctic expedition died in his sleep when the temperature dropped…

… because he had bought low-budget equipment. Everyone told him his gear wasn’t suitable. He didn’t realise it was a poor tent of doom.

How did Juliet maintain constant temperature?

Romeostasis.

Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes

What's Darth Vader's least favorite temperature?

Luke warm.

^^im ^^sorry

What never changes temperature despite how cold or warm the air is?

A right angle. It's always 90 degrees.

What is the average temperature in China?

451° F

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

What do you use to take a cow's temperature?

A thermoometer.

Mandatory temperature checks will be required for attending the Foreigner reunion concert

If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see

A man got cooled to absolute zero temperature.

Last heard, he's 0K now.

I like Florida.

Everything is in the 80s: The people, the temperature, and the average IQ.

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At her annual checkup the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that it's necessary to take her temperature rectally.

She bends over the examining table but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's NOT my rectum!"

Said the doctor, "That's not my thermometer!"

Just then the woman's husband comes into the room. "What the hell is going on here?" he demands.

"I'm taking your wife's te...

It’s significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures

I’ve read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events

HIGH TEMPERATURES

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.

Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

There's usually workers at supermarkets who temperature probe incoming deliveries

It's to make sure the temperature is below the required level and the produce hasn't spoiled.

They don't get paid for doing this, they just do it probe ono

Scientists have invented a bomb that explodes when the temperature hits absolute zero

It's called the "0K Boomer"

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In Texas we don't measure temperature in degrees

It's either "hot as balls" or "cold as shit."

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.



The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"

The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of re...

Stats joke..

Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "I know what ...

A: Took my temperature today.

B: Oh really?
A: No, rectally.

What temperature do you need to kill a boomer?

0 K

What is a baby pepper's favorite temperature?

Just a little chili.

“Sorry about the temperature down the mine today”

“It’s coal man”

Do you know what the internal temperature of a tauntaun is?

Luke warm

Seemed appropriate with all the Hoth stuff floating around.

I always turn my room temperature just below 70 degrees before I go to sleep. Why?

Because it doesn't get hotter than 69 in my bed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dick tattoo ideas

Get a thermometer made on your dick
Something funny to say to a girl with whom you're having consensual sex.
Me- Girl you look sick, would you like me to take your temperature?

It's nice to see that my local supermarket is saving energy by raising the temperature of it's freezers.

But "Rocky Road" soup is an acquired taste.

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

A Canadian research team has made history by freezing mice to temperatures of absolute zero.

Animal rights groups are outraged by the cruel tests performed on the animals.

But they’ll be 0K.

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today..

I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.

What device is best to measure a mother's temperature?

A ther-mom-meter

From my 10 year old who had the flu the past couple of days.

I just found out that there are at least three different ways that temperature is measured

I learned about it from my local K-F-C

What do R. Kelly and current temperatures have in common?

They're both in the teens.

How do you bring beer to perfect serving temperature by angrily yelling at it?

I - SCOLD - BEER !

If the average world temperature rises 2 degrees Celsius, mankind is doomed.

That is why America measures temperature in Fahrenheit.

if you put a man in a place where the temperature is -273.15°C for a while, will he be alright?

Yeah, he will be 0K.

Hey, do you want to come back to my place and regulate our body temperatures using external sources?

No hom(e)o(stasis)

(With apologies to George R.R. Martin) The temperature having finally gone up above freezing, an early spring rain began to wash away the effects of the Long Winter...

... but in the holdfast of a minor northern lordling, a small privy with several inches of still-frozen accumulation on its roof remained defiant against the downpour: "You'll never melt this! I shall keep my white mantle unto the end of days, by the Old Gods and the New!"

"No, it is inevitab...

Only SEVEN people die as temperatures as low as -42F wreak havoc across the American Midwest.

Apparently guns don't work in those temperatures.

A man dies and goes to hell

Because all the other torture chambers are full, the Devil puts him to hard labor.

A few hours pass, and the Devil returns to see how the torture is going. But the man is smiling and hardly working a sweat.

"Why haven't you given up yet? It's been at least 6 hours." The Devil asks him....

Over the next day, Oregon is expected to break the hottest temperatures ever recorded in its entire history, some places as hot as 118°F (47.78°C)

NOT cool.

I got sent home from work today because I failed the temperature test today.

I dropped my pants and bent over.

They should have said it was a thermal scan!

When does an increase in degrees not lead to warmer temperatures?

When you get your Masters in Art History, but you still can't pay the heating bill

I asked a scientist what would happen if my body temperature hit absolute zero.

He said I'd be 0K

My pregnant wife asked me if I was worried the temperature would be too hot for the baby inside her...

Putting her mind at ease I reassured her it’ll be womb temperature.

Why are normal human body temperatures around 98.7*F?

Because we're all a little obtuse.

How warm is a janitor's closet?

Broom Temperature.

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