UPJOKE
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A child’s observation:

If a mother laughs at dad’s jokes, we have guests.

There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation.

And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot.

An observation on an age old question...

What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.

The reason I said that ...

I had to leave my cat at the vet for observation after she swallowed a bunch of dimes...

I called to see how she was doing and the vet said there was no change yet..

Observation

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into hi...

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A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb shit

Bhuddism: You must become one with the shit.

Taoism: Shit happens

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this shit.

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a shit person.

Paganism: Here's some shit that represents other shit.

Reform J...

Observation

The orthopedic surgeon Betty worked for was moving to a new office, and the staff was helping transport many of the items. Betty sat the display skeleton in the front of her car, his bony arm across the back of her seat. She hadn’t considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares o...

Observation

There was a man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch the guy do this day after day for months.

Finally the doctor decided to see what this man was listening to, so one day he approached the wall and put his own ear up to the wall a...

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Balls INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middl...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

There's a quantum observation theory where only police have consciousness

cop didn't see it I didn't do it

I collected a lot of data trying to disprove observation bias.

The results were exactly what I expected.

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OBSERVATION

Boobs are proof to women that men can focus on two things at once

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

My doctor diagnosed me with severe lack of observation.

That came out of nowhere.

An observation by Adam Hills

"I have a slight theory as to why there’s such a high percentage of obesity in America as compared to the rest of the world. I think it’s because in 1984, a group of English and Irish musicians got together and put out a song that told us to ‘feed the world’.
And then a year later, a group of Am...

What is the difference between a long term spouse and a volcano?

With enough years of study and observation, one can predict a volcano’s explosive tendencies.

A stoner was conducting frog observations in his lab

Day 1: He cut off the frog's right arm and told it to jump, so it jumped.
He wrote in his journal, "if you cut off the frog's right arm and tell it to jump it'll jump."

Day 2: He cut off the frog's left arm and told it to jump, so it jumped.
He wrote in his journal, "if you cut off a f...

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Psychiatrist Observations

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "You...

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

A sick Australian ornithologist was 60 feet up a tree, engrossed in two Jackdaws performing a convoluted mating dance in defiance of all known observations of the species, when he had a sudden coughing fit.

They say he died of corvid complications.

Observational humor isn't funny

See?

From my observations I've noticed that many jokes about 9/11...

...tend to be inside jokes.

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Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

„Honey, I feel so ugly and fat, I really need a compliment from you...“

„Babe, your observation skills are really good.“

Do you know how much I hate observational comedy?

This much.

I may be biased, but I think blind people have the best observational humor.

I guess I’m just a big fan of dark comedy.

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

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