If you stake up all the elephants in Africa vertically

the elephants wouldn't like it.

Americas curve is flattening alright.

Just vertically instead of horizontally.

Me: Doctor, I'm afraid of the vertical Axis

Doctor: Why?

Me: \*Screams\*

I forgot to take my phone to the toilet

There are 1325 vertical and 975 horizontal lines on the tiles.

Why do conservative data analysts hate vertically joining datasets?

Because they're anti-union

For Halloween, my vertically challenged friend dressed like a garden decoration, but made the whole costume out of denim.

He's the human jean gnome.

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Why isn’t a vertical rainbow gay?

Because it’s straight.

How do you snipe a vertical line?

360 no slope it.

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Why are your butt cheeks split up vertically?

If it were horizontally, running down the stairs would sound like someone clapping their hands.

What's half of 8?

00 if you cut horizontally and 33 if you cut vertically

In Algreba, why is the vertical line test necessary?

You can't function without it

I don't think I should pay my vertically challenged Irish servant the same wage as staff of average height.

But that's just my O'Minion.

What do you call a vertically challenged individual that can commune with the dead and just broke out of prison?

A small medium at large

I hear all the kids that did the Tide Pod challenge can't get the Corona virus...

Because their social distancing is 6 feet vertical.

[OC] A farmer was wandering around the ranch

He stopped at regular intervals along his wire fence, mumbling to himself.

"Hey Howard, what's up?" His neighbor cruised by on a pickup truck.

"Bill, there's something wrong with my fence." He points to the vertical piece of wood which held up the wire.

"This is exactly identi...

This time America was the best in flattening the curve

Thay just got confused between horizontally or vertically

How do i give my cat a pill?

Grab your cat and place it around your arm as if you were holding a baby. Place your right index finger and thumb on both sides of the cat's mouth and gently apply some pressure while holding the pill in the other hand. As soon as your cat opens the mouth, throw the pill in and give the cat the oppo...

Did you hear about the vertically challenged psychic that robbed a bank?

Police say they're looking for a small medium at large.

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New year resolution : First day at the gym

As a new year resolution, I, like million others decided to join a gym and hire a trainer. After some warm up, the trainer brought me to the equipment. a vertical row machine. He showed me how to use the machine and suggested that i exercise one arm at a time. Looking at my physique (if i can call t...

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Timmy and Sally were at a school dance.......

At the dance Timmy and Sally sat on opposites sides of the hall. Timmy with the boys and Sally with the girls.

They were both born with genetic disorders.

* Timmy was born without a left eye but he wore a wooden prosthetic in its place.
* Sally was born with a cleft palate, the corr...

Don't you love when you drop the soap...

And it lands perfectly vertical, standing there like magic?!?

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The therapist is talking to his patient...

The patient: I’m afraid of the vertical axis
The therapist: Why?
Patient: *runs out of room screaming*

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Up in the air

A Boeing 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along at 800km/hour at 33000 feet when a cocky F-16 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.

The F-16 pilot decided to show off.

On his state of the art radio that is part of his state of the art 3D and million dollar headset, the F-16 youngster...

Brian wanted to be a miner ever since he was little

So one day when he hit that magical age of 21 he packed up all of his things and left his parents house. Too the grievance of his mother he moved a few states over. To a little mining village that like in the old days completely depended on their local gold mine. For some reason unlike all the other...

I just saw someone had set up a little wedding chapel in their front yard.

It had a tasteful little altar, a lattice arch covered in white roses, the whole deal. The only thing I didn't understand was a vertical length of 2x4 lumber, placed in a hole in the ground so it stuck three feet high. Just then, I noticed someone who lived there open the front door and start wal...

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Voodoo dick

A married couple is very happy in their life, but the husband took a new very lucrative job that is going to keep him away from home for weeks and possibly months at a time. He loves his wife and understands that she will have certain... needs while he's away, so he tells her, "Take the credit card,...

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A man goes for a walk in a cemetery after his friend's funeral

Feeling quite sad, a man goes for a walk in a cemetery after his friend's funeral. As he walked between the tombstones he came across an open grave. He walked right up to the edge to see that there was still a coffin inside. What an odd sight he thought to himself - suddenly he heard a thump, follow...

In response to the TIL about the difference between a crow and raven

Do you know the difference between a crow and a raven? Well, the feathers that are the long vertical feathers on the wings are called pinion feathers. They help the birds fly. A crow has 13 of these feathers and raven only has 12. So I guess you could say that the difference between a crow and a rav...

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Man loses his eye in a construction accident

He can't afford a good prostetic eye so the dr.s give him a woodden one and he gets real insequre about it. One day he gets the courage to go with his friends to a bar to meet a woman. His buddy spots a beautiful woman except her lips are verticle. He turns to wood eye willy and says hey she's a lit...

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Would I?

Neighbouring boys and girls school have their end of year dance.

A student from the boys school, from a poor family, lost his eye and was unable to afford a glass eye, so was given a wooden eye.

Obviously quite shy and retiring due to his 'defect' he sticks to the wall around the dance...

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As a male, I enjoy watching POV porn where the guy recording is black

so I can imagine that I have an enormous vertical leap.

Interview for a secretarial job

A boss has to interview 4 girls for a secretary position.....He asked the same question to each one of them.
Boss: "A woman normally has lips in 2 different places. What's the difference between the two?
First Girl: "one is hairy, the other isn't " .....Boss: "OK.. good!"
Second Girl: "one ...

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In 1859, there was this German Chemist living in London, England.

One day he received a new batch of experimental powder from Columbia. Curious to find out what the substance was, he opened the package and it erupted in a puff of powder. After inhaling half the cloud the Chemist felt vibrant, energised and happy.

“I hast not seen ziss beefore”, thought t...

The Amish Space Program is at a stalemate

Jebediah and the boys just cannot figure out how to get the horses to go vertical.

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An Irishman is told to write versions numerous.

However he is not allowed to write any digits.

He is told to draw nine. He draws three vertical lines, each with a colored in oval on top.

“What does this mean?”

He responds, “that’s tree and tree and tree. That’s nine.”

He’s then told to draw ninety nine.

He then ...

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Wood eye. (NSFW) (Long)

There's a boy in high school, who was born without an eye so has a wood eye as a filler. He always gets made fun of at school for it in every class he has. When he gets home one day he mentions to his father that prom is that weekend and that he has no one to go with because no one likes him.
...

A man is strolling past the mental hospital

and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the tim...

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Two blondes solving a crossword

Two blondes are spending some time together, the one is watching TV while the other struggles with one particular crossword question for some time now...
After a while she decides to ask her friend for help..
- Do you know the answer to the clue "Female sex organ"?
-...

What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

A rook moves horizontally and vertically.
A bishop molests altar boys.

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A man was working very hard in his lab one day...

and after countless hours of working, he had finally invented what he thought was the revolution of the century; the time machine.

Being so tired from his work, he decided to take a break and watch some of the latest news. He flipped through a few channels to find the news channel. The repo...

A father caught his teenage son filming a lewd act on his cell phone with his girlfriend. He was outraged, having thought that he had raised his son to be better than this.

In his rage, he shouted, "Son! I never, ever want to see you film vertically ever again!"

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The Leprechaun (NSFW)

A guy walks into the bar bathroom and begins to relieve himself at a urinal. Shortly thereafter a short man walks in and does the same in the next urinal over. The taller gentleman catches himself sneaking a peek and notices the short man's penis is exceptionally large. Embarrassed, he apologizes...

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Meanwhile, in a different part of the Jingle....

...a lizard is walking along when he smells marijuana smoke. Having a good sense of smell, and not a stranger to the occasional toke, he follows it to the source and comes to the base of a truly mighty tree. High up in the branches is a monkey smoking a joint.

"Hey monkey" he yells.

T...

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The Italian Family Dinner

A joke from my rugby coach -- better told in person with the clapping, but try to imagine :)



Sitting at dinner, an Italian father looks at his three grown sons.

He asks the oldest, Mario, "Mario, why are you-a so fat?"

Mario responds, "Papa, Mama's spaghetti is just-a s...

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A drunk is leaning against a lightpost...

A drunk (D) is leaning against a lightpost on the corner of a busy street. Whilst gazing blearily around, he notices a smartly dressed young man (YM) standing a few feet away, watching the people pass by. As D is watching, a lovely lady comes walking along, and the YM says something to her. She imme...

Russian news report from 1960's

China has escalated the Far East conflict once again. This morning at 09-00 hours, a Chinese fighter jet opened fire on a Russian tractor that was peacefully ploughing the fields.

Eyewitnesses report the tractor returned fire with anti-air missiles, performed vertical takeoff, and flew off o...

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