My step-sister walked into my room one day and she says, "Hey, big brother... take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt.

Then she says, "Take off my skirt..."

So I took off her skirt.

Then she says, "Take off my bra and panties..."

So I took off her bra and panties.

Then she says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I'm telling mom and dad!"

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now take off my bra and panties." and so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

What do you call it when you're finally able to take off your mask?

An airgasm

Why didn’t the paranoid plane take off?

It had thrust issues

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Johnson was sitting on a plane, waiting for it to take off, when one last person boarded the plane and sat down next to him. Mr. Johnson realized, much to his surprise and delight, that it was social media fitness star Michelle Lewin.

"This is amazing!" he said. "How lucky is it that I sit right next to one of the hottest women on social media?"

"I'm on my way to a fitness conference," said Michelle. "I'm going to tell my fellow women some of my best-kept secrets on getting and staying fit like me."

"Wow!" said Mr. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guy decides to take off work to go golfing.

So he's there on the Green, about to head his ball, when he hears, "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

He looks down and there's a little frog next to his foot. "What did you say, little frog?"

And the frog repeats. "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

So the man shrugs, figures what the hell, switches cl...

Me: "Officer, I'll now take off my mask."

Officer: "Fine for me."

Girls get home from a long day at work and instantly take off all their makeup......

I call that a 9 to 5.

Went to see the doctor last week and he told me to take off my clothes

Where shall I put them I asked

over there next to mine he said

Why do immigrant parents have you take off your shoes before entering their house?

So they have something to beat you with.

As a crowded airliner is about to take off

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSF] "Take off my scarf!", she said.

So I took off her scarf.

"Take off my shirt!", she demanded. So I unbuttoned her shirt and took it off slowly.

"Take off my bra!", she said in a rough voice. I unlatched her bra gently, sliding it off of the arms.

"Now, take off my skirt!", she ordered. I calmly sled it off the...

After all the rioting and destruction Microsoft stock ($MSFT) will take off on Monday

Everyone will be looking for windows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone knows what Neil Armstrong said as he stepped onto the moon, but few people know what he said as he boarded the lander to take off- "Good luck Mr. Kowalski."

Years later when a biographer asked him about it, Armstrong told him about a time he heard his neighbors having a huge fight.

Mrs. Kowalski was really tearing into her husband, Neil could hear her yelling from clear across his yard. Curious, he snuck closer to the window of their house just ...

Why didn’t Peter Pan’s career in stand-up take off?

Because his jokes Neverland.

I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriends bra. I gave up in the end.

I wish I never tried it on in the first place.

A group of engineering professors are all sitting on a plane waiting to take off...

The captain comes over the intercom and announces that as a surprise, the entire plane has been designed and built by their students.

Understandably, all the engineers immediately begin panicking, desperately scrambling to get off the plane, all except for one who is still calmly sitting in h...

What kind of bird struggles to take off?

A Velcrow

A newlywed couple run into their bedroom and close the door behind them. The wife looks into her husband’s eyes and says “take off my shirt, baby”

So he takes her shirt off. Then the wife says “take off my pants.” So he takes her jeans off. She smiles and says “now take off my bra.” He smiles and takes it off. “Now take off my panties” she says. He smiles even more and takes her parties off. Then the wife says “Now don’t let me catch you weari...

A lady calls her butler into her room and says, "Jeeves, take off my dress"

He casually says, "Yes, Madam", and removes the dress. Then she says, "Jeeves, take off my underwear". Again, he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the undergarment. She then says, "Jeeves, take off my bra". Again, with no hesitation he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the bra. Then she says, "Now ou...

Have you guys heard of this new AI robot that can take off all your clothes, and then give you a whole new outfit?

I've seen it change people.

Why is it so easy to take off corners these days?

They use new cutting-edge technology

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on a flight from New York to London, waiting to take off. The Captain finished the pre-flight announcements and must have forget to turn off his mic and the next thing we here is...

“You know what Steve; what I’d really like right now is a blow job and a coffee.”

A flight attendant, hearing this going out to the entire plane, started to rush to the cockpit to inform the captain that the mic was still on. The guy next to me yelled out “Hey, Miss! Don’t forget the coffee...

I don't understand why guys think it's so difficult to take off a girl's bra.

I can do it with both hands behind my back!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that's getting ready to take off.

Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes off the end of his penis with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw.

Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The...

My father never hit me but when I was bad he would take off his belt...

And then he would take off his pants. Needless to say, I didn't like the way I was reared.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are drinking at a bar all night. Finally, one man says to the other, “I hate to break up the fun, but I’ve got to go home and take off my wife’s underwear.”

The other man replies, “What makes you think you’ll be so lucky?”



The first man replies while walking out the door, “because they’ve been riding up my butt all night and I’ve had enough.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Him: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

Why couldnt the laptop take off his hat?

He had caps lock on.

A woman said if you want to finger me take off your ring?

I don't have a a ring I have a watch

I've started selling transparent urns, and I think this business could really take off.

Remains to be seen.

Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?

Because the pilot was terrible.

My uncle's chicken farm business didn't take off so he switched to ducks...

The it was all bills, bills, bills.

A plane takes off with two hours delay. Once in the air a passenger asks the flight attendant:

"why did we take off so late?"

To which the flight attendant replies:

"well the pilot noticed some smoke and weird noises coming from the left engine and it took us a while to find another pilot willing to fly this plane."

What did the Mexican pilot say to make the flight take off on time?

UNDELAY UNDELAY

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane was about to take off when a man burst out of the cockpit naked, yelling

"this is your captain streaking"

Pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take off.......

"Thank you for flying with us this morning.

The weather is....."

Then suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the loud speakers:

"Oh my God. OMG! OMG! This is going to hurt....Its burning"


A ghostly Silence reigned!

He gets back on the microphone t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a long line to take off at the airport...

And one pilot says on the radio: I’m fucking bored. Then a female voice says angrily: who was that, identify yourself! And the pilot says: I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid.

"Show me your's and I'll show you mine"... She proceed's to take off her clothes...

...I proceed to show her my WW2 cr38 anti-personnel mine.

Why is it better to take off your glasses if you are taking breathalyzer test?

Because that'll be two glasses less.

Take off my dress

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at ...

Why did Apollo 11 take off during full moon?

Its an easier target.

------
Yes. Its incredibly lame.

My favourite thing to do after a long day at work is sit down and take off all my clothes.

It makes my train journey more entertaining.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.

He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.

When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting in an airplane waiting for take off...

...when the PA comes on. The captain says, "Alright everyone we'll be entering the runway in just a few minutes. Please fasten your seat belts and prepare for take off." There's a small clicking noise, but the passengers can still hear the captain. He says to the other pilot, "Man, you know what I c...

Today it's National Take Off Your Cap Day

Hats off to whoever founded it.

Why couldn't the octopus take off her bra?

It had suction cups.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hearse drives past Paddy and his mate who take off their hats out of respect. The hearse is followed by a man with a big scary-looking dog, followed by a procession of several hundred men dressed in black...

"Who's in the coffin?" Paddy asks his mate.

"I hear it's the wife of the fella with the dog." His mate replies.

"Oh yeah? What happened to her?"

"I hear, the dog hates women and mauled her to death." His mate replies.

"Oh yeah?" Paddy runs across the road and grabs the ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pilot addresses his passengers prior to take off but he forgets to turn off the intercom.

He leans over to his copilot and says, "hey, I'm gonna take a shit and then go get a blowjob from that hot blonde stewardess"

The Blonde stewardess bolts for the cockpit and an old woman screams, "slowdown honey, he said he had to take a shit first."

Why did the scientist take off his doorbell?

...because he wanted to win the "Nobel" prize!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a pilot is getting ready for take off...

After finishing his safety checks, he announces "Welcome on our flight non-stop to LA. The weather ahead is fine and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH FUCK"

There's silence in the plane

A short time later, the pilot comes back on: "Sor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lad was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 180mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 180, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two virgins get married

Two virgins get married and go on their honeymoon.



Unfortunately, neither of them knows what to do so they call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit together on the bed, kiss and snuggle, and things should happen from there.

The newlyweds do that ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor, I have a sexual problem.

‟Doctor,” the embarrassed man said, ‟I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.

”Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.‟

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. ”Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett,‟ the medic s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man has sex for the first time

The young man was very nervous about having sex with his girlfriend for the very first time, because he was convinced that his penis would be too small.

Eventually he realized that he could not postpone it forever and he nervously invited her over to his house..

Hesitatingly he starte...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backayrd. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor is giving a physical exam to a lady

he asks her to remove her shirt, when he then noticed she had a bruise in the shape of the letter "H" on her chest.

When he asked about it, she said that her boyfriend attends Harvard, and that he's so proud of it that he never takes off his school sweater, even when they have sex.

So ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is sitting at home on the couch,

She hears a knock on the door. She answers it, and there's a guy standing there... he says "Excuse me miss, do you have a vagina?", and she slams the door closed. The next morning she's sitting on the couch again and there's a knock on the door, she opens it and the same man says "Excuse Me Miss, do...

50th Wedding Anniversary

It's the morning of a couple's 50th wedding anniversary. They're sitting at the kitchen table having breakfast and reading the newspaper.

The wife looks at the husband and says "you know, if this was 50 years ago, we'd be sitting at this table naked".

The husband replies "you know wha...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.