What did the peanut say when the almond tried to pick a fight with it?

Cashew outside!

Why do they call it almond milk?

Cuz no one can say nut juice with a straight face....

A doctor comes to a bar and orders almonds and daiquiri everyday

One day the bartender gives him hickory instead of almonds
The doctor asked what is this?
The bartender said “ it a hickory daiquiri doc”

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No Nut November is going great so far

Every time I think about eating almonds, I just masterbate. It’s not hard guys.

If almonds are $1, peanuts $.50, and pistachios $1.50, how much are deer nuts?

Under a buck

I'm changing my pronouns to "Almond Joy/Mounds"...

...because sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you don't.

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Did you hear about that guy who was sexually attracted to almonds?

He was fucking nuts.

Almond oil is made by crushing almonds,

Peanut oil is made by crushing peanuts, coconut oil is made by crushing coconuts.

I really feel horrible about all those babies.

I went to on vacation to Africa to get some local music and almonds.

My friend asked me "what country did you go to and what did you get?"

He got upset, when I answered

"Kenya, CD's, nuts"

I'm releasing a new line of sleep aids featuring melatonin-infused almonds, cashews, and pistachios.

They're called Doze Nuts.

I bought almonds some time back to make my memory sharp.

I never remembered to eat them.

Well, guys, I already failed NNN.

I ate some almonds today.

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My favorite joke (its a tad long)

So there's this cardiologist and every night after work he visits his friend Richard that owns a bar. Each time he orders the same drink, an almond daiquiri.
One night the bartender runs out of almond syrup so when the doctor comes for his regular drink the bartender decides to say nothing and...

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily mu...

What did the bourbon say to the almonds?

Am I drunk or are you nuts

I saw on the news that a truck carrying almonds collided with another truck carrying glitter.

Apparently the road was covered with with almonds and glitter.

And I thought, "That's pretty nuts"

A doctor goes to the same bar every day and orders an Almond Daiquiri

He gets to be so regular, showing up at the same time every day, that the bartender knows to make the drink and has it waiting for the doc when he arrives.

One day the bartender goes to make it and realizes he doesn't have any almonds. He does, however, have some hickory nuts. So he mashes th...

When I die, I want an almond tree seed to be planted with my body ...

and several years from then, when that tree is full grown, you can all eat my nuts.

Why did the peanut take the almond to court

It was assaulted

I thought about going on an all almond diet.

But thats just nuts!

I've just found out why they call it 'Almond Milk'.

They tried to call it 'Nut Juice' but no one would buy it.

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I walked in a Mr Peanut having his way with an almond..

It was fucking nuts!

Everyone I see looks like an almond!

Most people think I'm crazy...
But I think they're nuts!

(Dad joke warning) What was the almond tree doing all damn summer long?

Nuttin'

Two almonds

Two almonds walk into a bar. They order 20 tequila shots each.

Bartender says: "What are you guys, nuts?"

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I had sex with an almond tree once

It was at that point in my life i realized i was fucking nuts.

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Walked in on my roommate sticking his dick in a jar of almonds

He's fucking nuts.

Why was Chodes almond shop full of thirsty girls?

Because he had the saltiest nuts in town

Warning Dad Joke: Son just asked me: "Dad, do you like almonds?"

Me: "I don't like all-monds, but I do like some monds".

Went right over his head while I giggled furiously.

I like showing women my big bag of almonds.

It's nice when they compliment my nut sack.

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My friend thought putting almonds in his fleshlight would increase the pleasure

Turns out he was just fucking nuts.

Made the switch to almond milk...

...because at 30, it’s about time I got off my mother’s.

Did you hear about the schizophrenic almond...

He's nuts!

Went to Costco to pick up some groceries. I am on the low carb diet but wanted something salty to snack on. Checked aisle by aisle for almonds or pistachios or cashews but they were all out.

Guess it is no nut November.

Did you hear about the athletic almond?

Total fitness nut.

What's the difference between a container of peanuts, cashews, and almonds and neutering a dog.

One is mixed nuts - the other is nixed mutts!

I'm starting a company that will sell electronic storage devices and almonds.

I'm calling it "CDs Nuts"

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I was at a party the other day where everyone was getting high on laxatives and almonds

Shit got nuts real quick

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So, a guy is being shown around an insane asylum on his first day of working there

He looks into a room through a window in the door and sees a man flailing his arms back and forth. So he asks “What are you doing in there”?

The reply back is “I’m a famous baseball player, and when I get out of here I’m going to win the World Series”

Moving on to the next door and lo...

Have you seen the prices of Almonds and Cashews?

They're nuts.

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill were two farmers on the Eastern edge of Tennessee. They had recently been told that meat was un-christian like, so they decided to grow almonds and use the money from it to replace the money they'd get from selling meats.

Eventually, they realized they can't drink milk, so they...

Crude Oil massage

Barber : shoul I massage ur head ?

Me : ok, which oil will u use ?

Barber : Almond Oil is for 250₹

Me : herbal oil ?

Barber: 150₹

Me: Coconut Oil

Barber : 100₹

Me : anything cheaper than this ?

Barber *to his helper* : chhotu, get that barrel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Birth of a Candy Bar! rated XXX and NSFW

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT o' HONEY, so he took MARY JANE back behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY!! It made his TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out some SNICKERS as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILK...

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3 days remaining - Not Nut November has been so tough for me

Every time I crave for almond, I control the urge by masturbating.

Guy walks into an ice cream shop

And says give me some chocolate, some marshmallows, and some almonds. The elderly gentleman working the counter says “Careful son, you’re heading down a rocky road.”

What's six inches long, has two nuts, and gives women big bellies?

Almond Joy.

Two elderly men sitting in park

Two elderly men sitting in park. Both are starting to have Alzheimer symptoms. They discuss as they usually do on Monday PMs.



One of them sees a food truck across the park and tells the other one: "I'd like an ice cream, chocolate almonds ice cream. Do you want me to get you one ?"...

Being a vegan is really hard.

The worst part is having to get up at 6am to milk all the almonds..

A guy walks into a bar at 4:30 one afternoon.

He's enjoying his drink and talking with the bartender.

At 4:57 the bartender looks at the clock and says, "Damn. I lost track of the time, I gotta get busy." The bartender quickly makes a drink and sets it on the bar.

Precisely at 5:00 pm, a well-dressed man walks into the bar, ...

A tour bus full of seniors drives down a highway…

A tour bus full of seniors drives down a highway, when a little old lady taps the driver on the shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats the g...

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A doctor always stopped....

A doctor always stopped in to his friendly neighborhood watering hole for an almond daiquiri at 6:00 every day. Dick, the bartender, always had it ready for him on the bar when he came in.

One day, it was approaching six and suddenly Dick realized he was out of almonds. "Oh, no, the doc's gon...

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First farmer's market of the year

A farmer was on her way to the first farmer's market of the year. She was lucky to have secured a spot, year after year, at a very popular farmer's market, but rather than feeling excited, she was bummed out in anticipation of having to endure, yet again, the obnoxious antics of two almond growers ...

I would go vegan but

I'm not willing to get up at 4am to milk the almonds.

A dentist goes to the bar every day at 4:30...

He comes like clockwork every weekday. And, every day he orders the same drink- an almond daiquiri. He's so consistent, that the bartender starts making his drink at 4:25.

One day, the bartender discovers to his horror that he's out of almonds. So he makes it with Hickory nuts. The dentist...

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The doctor's daiquiri

A tired young doctor got off a night shift at the hospital and stopped into a bar called "Dick's" across the street for a drink.

"Hey what can I get you?" asked Dick.

"How about a daiquiri?"

The bartender makes a drink and slides it down the bar.

He takes a sip and loves ...

Have you heard of the nuttiest band in rock n roll?

The almond brothers...

I'll go now

An old lady and a bus driver

A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some almonds. He is happy to have the nuts but he noticed that the old lady isn’t having any herself.

The driver asks, “Excuse me madam, why aren’t you eating any of he almonds?”

The old lady says, “Young man, they are too hard on my poor teet...

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While touring the psychiatric hospital,

a new nurse sees a man sitting in the corner of his room, completely naked. He has a bag of almonds, and is bouncing them, one at a time, off of the head of his erect dick.

She looks at the doctor showing her around and asks "Doctor, what is he doing?"

He replies "He's just fucking nut...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First day at the mental hospital

It was a doctor's first day at the mental hospital. One of the other doctors was showing him around and decided to bring him in to see three of the patients. They walked into the first room and there was a man pretending to swing a baseball bat. The new doctor asked him what he was doing.
"I'm b...

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