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Almond Jokes

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No Nut November is going great so far

Every time I think about eating almonds, I just masterbate. It’s not hard guys.

Why is almond milk called almond milk?

Because no one can say “nut juice” with a straight face.

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Almond Daiquiri

So there’s a doctor who would regularly go to the pub that was directly next to the hospital that he worked at. After some time, he got on first name terms with the barman, his name was Dick and Dick would always prepare the Doctor’s favourite drink before he would arrive, an almond daiquiri.
Th...

What did the peanut say when the almond tried to pick a fight with it?

Cashew outside!

Almond oil is made by crushing almonds,

Peanut oil is made by crushing peanuts, coconut oil is made by crushing coconuts.

I really feel horrible about all those babies.

I've just found out why they call it 'Almond Milk'.

They tried to call it 'Nut Juice' but no one would buy it.

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Never befriend someone who is sexually attracted to almonds and pecans.

Eventually you’ll realize they’re fucking nuts.

If almonds are $1, peanuts $.50, and pistachios $1.50, how much are deer nuts?

Under a buck

Why are California almond farmers so concerned about the record cold temperatures?

They don't want their nuts to freeze off.

Why was the almond tree on her last nerve?

Because every one of her kids were nuts

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A man is sitting on a flight from NYC to London

He feels a little cold, so he asks the cabin attendant for a blanket. The cabin crew completely ignores him. On the seat next to him is no other than a parrot. The parrot screams "get me a scotch on the rocks you stupid cunt". Not a moment passes and the parrot gets a nice glass of whiskey. The man ...

Everyone I see looks like an almond!

Most people think I'm crazy...
But I think they're nuts!

(Dad joke warning) What was the almond tree doing all damn summer long?

Nuttin'

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I had sex with an almond tree once

It was at that point in my life i realized i was fucking nuts.

What's yellow, swings through the jungle, and smells of almonds?

Tarzipan

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happ...

I don't drink cow milk, because I'm not a baby cow.

However I do drink almond milk, because I'm a little nutty!

What's the hardest part of being a vegan?

Waking up at 4.30 am to milk the almonds.

Two almonds

Two almonds walk into a bar. They order 20 tequila shots each.

Bartender says: "What are you guys, nuts?"

I'm releasing a new line of sleep aids featuring melatonin-infused almonds, cashews, and pistachios.

They're called Doze Nuts.

Why did the peanut take the almond to court

It was assaulted

What did the bourbon say to the almonds?

Am I drunk or are you nuts

When I die, I want an almond tree seed to be planted with my body ...

and several years from then, when that tree is full grown, you can all eat my nuts.

I bought almonds some time back to make my memory sharp.

I never remembered to eat them.

I thought about going on an all almond diet.

But thats just nuts!

Did you hear about the schizophrenic almond...

He's nuts!

Why was Chodes almond shop full of thirsty girls?

Because he had the saltiest nuts in town

A doctor goes to the same bar every day and orders an Almond Daiquiri

He gets to be so regular, showing up at the same time every day, that the bartender knows to make the drink and has it waiting for the doc when he arrives.

One day the bartender goes to make it and realizes he doesn't have any almonds. He does, however, have some hickory nuts. So he mashes th...

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I walked in a Mr Peanut having his way with an almond..

It was fucking nuts!

I like showing women my big bag of almonds.

It's nice when they compliment my nut sack.

Have you seen the prices of Almonds and Cashews?

They're nuts.

Made the switch to almond milk...

...because at 30, it’s about time I got off my mother’s.

I went to on vacation to Africa to get some local music and almonds.

My friend asked me "what country did you go to and what did you get?"

He got upset, when I answered

"Kenya, CD's, nuts"

I saw on the news that a truck carrying almonds collided with another truck carrying glitter.

Apparently the road was covered with with almonds and glitter.

And I thought, "That's pretty nuts"

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Walked in on my roommate sticking his dick in a jar of almonds

He's fucking nuts.

Warning Dad Joke: Son just asked me: "Dad, do you like almonds?"

Me: "I don't like all-monds, but I do like some monds".

Went right over his head while I giggled furiously.

I'm starting a company that will sell electronic storage devices and almonds.

I'm calling it "CDs Nuts"

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My friend thought putting almonds in his fleshlight would increase the pleasure

Turns out he was just fucking nuts.

What's the difference between a container of peanuts, cashews, and almonds and neutering a dog.

One is mixed nuts - the other is nixed mutts!

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My favorite joke (its a tad long)

So there's this cardiologist and every night after work he visits his friend Richard that owns a bar. Each time he orders the same drink, an almond daiquiri.
One night the bartender runs out of almond syrup so when the doctor comes for his regular drink the bartender decides to say nothing and...

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What's a bisexuality favorite candy bar?

What's a bisexual's favorite candy bar?

Mounds and Almond joy, because sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don't.

God is talking to one of His angels.

He asks, "Gabriel, what are the humans doing down there?"

The angel replies, "It seems that they are drinking milk, Lord."

"What sort of milk?" asks God. "I gave them many animals to drink milk from; the cows, the goats..."

"Um...almonds, Lord."

Sour Patch Kid Walks into a Support Group

Sour patch kid walks into a support group for separated couples.

He says, "Hello, I'm new, and my name is Barry. My wife, Godiva, and I have been together for 15 years, and have been separated for 2 of those years. She claims my mood swings are 'unbearable' "

Everyone says "Hi Barry ...

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3 days remaining - Not Nut November has been so tough for me

Every time I crave for almond, I control the urge by masturbating.

What's six inches long, has two nuts, and gives women big bellies?

Almond Joy.

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Birth of a Candy Bar! rated XXX and NSFW

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT o' HONEY, so he took MARY JANE back behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY!! It made his TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out some SNICKERS as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILK...

What do you get when you put 1 tsp each of almonds, oats, corn flakes, and raisins in a bowl?

A muesli/measly serving.

Went to Costco to pick up some groceries. I am on the low carb diet but wanted something salty to snack on. Checked aisle by aisle for almonds or pistachios or cashews but they were all out.

Guess it is no nut November.

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill were two farmers on the Eastern edge of Tennessee. They had recently been told that meat was un-christian like, so they decided to grow almonds and use the money from it to replace the money they'd get from selling meats.

Eventually, they realized they can't drink milk, so they...

Finally NNN is over!!

Gonna eat almonds and cashews all day!!

A pair of hot twin sisters, one blonde, the other brunette get invited to a Halloween party.

A pair of hot twin sisters, one blonde, the other brunette get invited to a Halloween party. The theme is "snacks" so they decide to go as a pair of popular candy bars.
The party is a real blast and the brunette is having tons of fun, but the blonde is just kind of off to herself with no one giv...

Bapu Joke - Bapu climbs a tree

( Bapu is a traditional character from India. There are many jokes on him, somewhat like blonde jokes. He is simple but a bit of a smartass )

Bapu is climbing a tree when his buddy calls from below.

" Bapu why are you climbing this tree".

- I want to eat almonds.

"But thi...

Crude Oil massage

Barber : shoul I massage ur head ?

Me : ok, which oil will u use ?

Barber : Almond Oil is for 250₹

Me : herbal oil ?

Barber: 150₹

Me: Coconut Oil

Barber : 100₹

Me : anything cheaper than this ?

Barber *to his helper* : chhotu, get that barrel...

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The chicken farmer

A chicken farmer is visited by an official looking person one day. The farmer has no clue who the visitor is. The visitor asks "What do you feed your chicken?"

The honest and innocent farmer says "they just pick worms in the fields and eat whatever seeds and grains and crap they can get hold ...

A tour bus full of seniors drives down a highway…

A tour bus full of seniors drives down a highway, when a little old lady taps the driver on the shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats the g...

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A doctor always stopped....

A doctor always stopped in to his friendly neighborhood watering hole for an almond daiquiri at 6:00 every day. Dick, the bartender, always had it ready for him on the bar when he came in.

One day, it was approaching six and suddenly Dick realized he was out of almonds. "Oh, no, the doc's gon...

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The doctor's daiquiri

A tired young doctor got off a night shift at the hospital and stopped into a bar called "Dick's" across the street for a drink.

"Hey what can I get you?" asked Dick.

"How about a daiquiri?"

The bartender makes a drink and slides it down the bar.

He takes a sip and loves ...

Being a vegan is really hard.

The worst part is having to get up at 6am to milk all the almonds..

Guy walks into an ice cream shop

And says give me some chocolate, some marshmallows, and some almonds. The elderly gentleman working the counter says “Careful son, you’re heading down a rocky road.”

Two elderly men sitting in park

Two elderly men sitting in park. Both are starting to have Alzheimer symptoms. They discuss as they usually do on Monday PMs.



One of them sees a food truck across the park and tells the other one: "I'd like an ice cream, chocolate almonds ice cream. Do you want me to get you one ?"...

A dentist goes to the bar every day at 4:30...

He comes like clockwork every weekday. And, every day he orders the same drink- an almond daiquiri. He's so consistent, that the bartender starts making his drink at 4:25.

One day, the bartender discovers to his horror that he's out of almonds. So he makes it with Hickory nuts. The dentist...

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So, a guy is being shown around an insane asylum on his first day of working there

He looks into a room through a window in the door and sees a man flailing his arms back and forth. So he asks “What are you doing in there”?

The reply back is “I’m a famous baseball player, and when I get out of here I’m going to win the World Series”

Moving on to the next door and lo...

I would go vegan but

I'm not willing to get up at 4am to milk the almonds.

Have you heard of the nuttiest band in rock n roll?

The almond brothers...

I'll go now

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Test For a Dirty Mind

**Q1:** What's 6 inches long, has 2 nuts and makes girls fat?
> **A1:** [ Almond Joy ](#s)

**Q2:** What sticks out of a man's pajamas that you can hang a hat on?
> **A2:** [ His head ](#s)

**Q3:** What does a dog do on three legs, a man do on two legs and a woman do sittin...

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The Birth of Baby Ruth

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"

Well, she immediate...

An old lady and a bus driver

A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some almonds. He is happy to have the nuts but he noticed that the old lady isn’t having any herself.

The driver asks, “Excuse me madam, why aren’t you eating any of he almonds?”

The old lady says, “Young man, they are too hard on my poor teet...

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While touring the psychiatric hospital,

a new nurse sees a man sitting in the corner of his room, completely naked. He has a bag of almonds, and is bouncing them, one at a time, off of the head of his erect dick.

She looks at the doctor showing her around and asks "Doctor, what is he doing?"

He replies "He's just fucking nut...

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First day at the mental hospital

It was a doctor's first day at the mental hospital. One of the other doctors was showing him around and decided to bring him in to see three of the patients. They walked into the first room and there was a man pretending to swing a baseball bat. The new doctor asked him what he was doing.
"I'm b...

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