What did the bourbon say to the almonds?

Am I drunk or are you nuts

Why is it called Almond Milk?

Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.

(Hope this isn't a repost)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about that guy who was sexually attracted to almonds?

He was fucking nuts.

I saw on the news that a truck carrying almonds collided with another truck carrying glitter.

Apparently the road was covered with with almonds and glitter.

And I thought, "That's pretty nuts"

What did the peanut say when the almond tried to pick a fight with it?

Cashew outside!

Why "almost milk" is called "almond milk"?..........

because nobody can keep a straight face while saying "nut juice".

I thought about going on an all almond diet.

But thats just nuts!

Every year for my birthday my mom spends a fortune on sending me a gourmet selection of high-quality cashews, pistachios, and almonds. Specially selected and seasoned, I Googled how much she's been spending on these gifts: around $1,000 each.

It's just nuts.

Two elderly men sitting in park

Two elderly men sitting in park. Both are starting to have Alzheimer symptoms. They discuss as they usually do on Monday PMs.



One of them sees a food truck across the park and tells the other one: "I'd like an ice cream, chocolate almonds ice cream. Do you want me to get you one ?"...

A doctor goes to the same bar every day and orders an Almond Daiquiri

He gets to be so regular, showing up at the same time every day, that the bartender knows to make the drink and has it waiting for the doc when he arrives.

One day the bartender goes to make it and realizes he doesn't have any almonds. He does, however, have some hickory nuts. So he mashes th...

If almonds are $1, peanuts $.50, and pistachios $1.50, how much are deer nuts?

Under a buck

I was sitting on the bus and somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I was sitting on the bus and somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw two old men sitting there. One of them said to me, "would you like some nuts? I've got a couple of hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure," I replied. Then he gave me a handful of nuts and wen...

A woman was working at a nursing home

One of her patients was an old man that always had a dish of almonds he would offer the staff when they came in his room.

Her and her coworkers would nibble away as they did their duties, tidying him and his room. They got to talking about why he always had almonds, and he told them his fami...

When I die, I want an almond tree seed to be planted with my body ...

and several years from then, when that tree is full grown, you can all eat my nuts.

Why did the peanut take the almond to court

It was assaulted

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill were two farmers on the Eastern edge of Tennessee. They had recently been told that meat was un-christian like, so they decided to grow almonds and use the money from it to replace the money they'd get from selling meats.

Eventually, they realized they can't drink milk, so they...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in a Mr Peanut having his way with an almond..

It was fucking nuts!

How do you milk an almond?

You make it nutt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex with an almond tree once

It was at that point in my life i realized i was fucking nuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend thought putting almonds in his fleshlight would increase the pleasure

Turns out he was just fucking nuts.

Everyone I see looks like an almond!

Most people think I'm crazy...
But I think they're nuts!

Two almonds

Two almonds walk into a bar. They order 20 tequila shots each.

Bartender says: "What are you guys, nuts?"

(Dad joke warning) What was the almond tree doing all damn summer long?

Nuttin'

Made the switch to almond milk...

...because at 30, it’s about time I got off my mother’s.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walked in on my roommate sticking his dick in a jar of almonds

He's fucking nuts.

Did you hear about the schizophrenic almond...

He's nuts!

I've just found out why they call it 'Almond Milk'.

They tried to call it 'Nut Juice' but no one would buy it.

Why was Chodes almond shop full of thirsty girls?

Because he had the saltiest nuts in town

Went to Costco to pick up some groceries. I am on the low carb diet but wanted something salty to snack on. Checked aisle by aisle for almonds or pistachios or cashews but they were all out.

Guess it is no nut November.

Warning Dad Joke: Son just asked me: "Dad, do you like almonds?"

Me: "I don't like all-monds, but I do like some monds".

Went right over his head while I giggled furiously.

Did you hear about the athletic almond?

Total fitness nut.

I like showing women my big bag of almonds.

It's nice when they compliment my nut sack.

What's the difference between a container of peanuts, cashews, and almonds and neutering a dog.

One is mixed nuts - the other is nixed mutts!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at a party the other day where everyone was getting high on laxatives and almonds

Shit got nuts real quick

I'm starting a company that will sell electronic storage devices and almonds.

I'm calling it "CDs Nuts"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you ever stuck your dick in a tub of almond butter?

It's fucking nuts!

Crude Oil massage

Barber : shoul I massage ur head ?

Me : ok, which oil will u use ?

Barber : Almond Oil is for 250₹

Me : herbal oil ?

Barber: 150₹

Me: Coconut Oil

Barber : 100₹

Me : anything cheaper than this ?

Barber *to his helper* : chhotu, get that barrel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 days remaining - Not Nut November has been so tough for me

Every time I crave for almond, I control the urge by masturbating.

What's six inches long, has two nuts, and gives women big bellies?

Almond Joy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Birth of Baby Ruth

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"

Well, she immediate...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Birth of a Candy Bar! rated XXX and NSFW

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT o' HONEY, so he took MARY JANE back behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY!! It made his TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out some SNICKERS as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILK...

Guy walks into an ice cream shop

And says give me some chocolate, some marshmallows, and some almonds. The elderly gentleman working the counter says “Careful son, you’re heading down a rocky road.”

A tour bus full of seniors drives down a highway…

A tour bus full of seniors drives down a highway, when a little old lady taps the driver on the shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats the g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor always stopped....

A doctor always stopped in to his friendly neighborhood watering hole for an almond daiquiri at 6:00 every day. Dick, the bartender, always had it ready for him on the bar when he came in.

One day, it was approaching six and suddenly Dick realized he was out of almonds. "Oh, no, the doc's gon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love organic rock music

My favorite band is the Almond Butters

If coconut oil is made with coconuts,

Almond oil is made with almonds,

Groundnut oil is made with groundnuts,



Then I surely know what baby oil is.....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Test For a Dirty Mind

**Q1:** What's 6 inches long, has 2 nuts and makes girls fat?
> **A1:** [ Almond Joy ](#s)

**Q2:** What sticks out of a man's pajamas that you can hang a hat on?
> **A2:** [ His head ](#s)

**Q3:** What does a dog do on three legs, a man do on two legs and a woman do sittin...

A guy walks into a bar at 4:30 one afternoon.

He's enjoying his drink and talking with the bartender.

At 4:57 the bartender looks at the clock and says, "Damn. I lost track of the time, I gotta get busy." The bartender quickly makes a drink and sets it on the bar.

Precisely at 5:00 pm, a well-dressed man walks into the bar, ...

An old lady and a bus driver

A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some almonds. He is happy to have the nuts but he noticed that the old lady isn’t having any herself.

The driver asks, “Excuse me madam, why aren’t you eating any of he almonds?”

The old lady says, “Young man, they are too hard on my poor teet...

You know whaf the worst part about being vegan is?

Getting up at 4am to milk the almonds

I would go vegan but

I'm not willing to get up at 4am to milk the almonds.

A dentist goes to the bar every day at 4:30...

He comes like clockwork every weekday. And, every day he orders the same drink- an almond daiquiri. He's so consistent, that the bartender starts making his drink at 4:25.

One day, the bartender discovers to his horror that he's out of almonds. So he makes it with Hickory nuts. The dentist...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The doctor's daiquiri

A tired young doctor got off a night shift at the hospital and stopped into a bar called "Dick's" across the street for a drink.

"Hey what can I get you?" asked Dick.

"How about a daiquiri?"

The bartender makes a drink and slides it down the bar.

He takes a sip and loves ...

Have you heard of the nuttiest band in rock n roll?

The almond brothers...

I'll go now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First day at the mental hospital

It was a doctor's first day at the mental hospital. One of the other doctors was showing him around and decided to bring him in to see three of the patients. They walked into the first room and there was a man pretending to swing a baseball bat. The new doctor asked him what he was doing.
"I'm b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While touring the psychiatric hospital,

a new nurse sees a man sitting in the corner of his room, completely naked. He has a bag of almonds, and is bouncing them, one at a time, off of the head of his erect dick.

She looks at the doctor showing her around and asks "Doctor, what is he doing?"

He replies "He's just fucking nut...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.